A/N: Well here is the next chapter and I am sorry this is a bit late. Between being sick (still), a bit of writer's block and a beta who is up to her elbows in finals..well...this took some time. I want to thank all of my amazing readers. The reviews for last chapter were amazing and they made me feel blessed. Thank you for sticking with me and this story- you may never know exactly how much it means to me! So.. please read and review.. I see all the hits for this story.. so please take a few seconds to review...I respond to all signed ones!
As always, nothing belongs to me, except my Edward dreams.. *sigh* they are all mine..mine! Umm.. sorry...SM owns all..I just wish I did. ENJOY!
Highs and Lows
The next month flew by in hazy flashes of days and nights, each blending and melting into the other until they were no longer recognizable. What was noticeable was that I was riding an emotional rollercoaster, one that was punctuated by extreme highs and depressing lows. There was no middle ground of stability, just my wide arcing switches from one extreme to the other. I had no control over them and I was terrified. I did not fear that I would feed on humans, but more that I would lose myself to the powerful mood swings.
The lows were the more frightening ones to experience. Not only did they cause me to lose valuable time in my hunt for Victoria. But they were highly unpredictable and seductive. It was harder and harder to come back from them. Even worse, it was harder to want to come back from them. There, the pain and misery I try day in and day out to contain is removed. Instead there was only comforting numbness.
The last low point was the longest one by far, lasting close to two days. In the beginning they started innocently enough, or so I would like to think. My search for Victoria was slow and meticulous. When there was no trace of her scent it was far too easy for my mind to wonder. I often thought of my family and how they were doing. I feared that I had upset Esme greatly and that just added to the mound of guilt I felt. It had been a while since I'd checked in and figured it was the only decent thing I could do.
I had briefly toyed with the idea of writing another email but I had been impersonal enough and I needed to face the music. So I dialed Esme's phone and waited for her to answer while trying to ignore the desire to hang up before she did. Her melodic voice reached me and I closed my eyes in pain. I had been such a rotten child to her.
"Hello," she chimed.
"Esme, it's me, Edward." I paused and did not breathe. I could feel the anxiety as it coursed through me.
"Edward? Oh, dear it's so nice to hear from you. Are you ok?" She said this so rapidly I was unprepared for it. But her question brought me up short. I had no idea if I was ok.
"Sorry, it's been so long since I contacted you all. Tracking is very time consuming." I prayed she would not notice that I did not answer her last question. I didn't think I had it in me to lie to her again. I had already put her through too much.
"How is everyone doing?" Offense is always the best defense.
"They are doing good. We have settled into Ithaca nicely. Carlisle loves teaching and Jasper has decided to study philosophy. He is rather enjoying it." The pride and love in her words made me ache. I knew there was no way she could be proud of me right now, but I found I desired it greatly.
She continued in a rush of excitement, " Rose and Emmett have planned to go back to Africa soon. Alice is spending time seeing what she can find of her human family. The information she got from Bel- she got a few months ago, has her curious." Her words ended on a whisper.
Just the tiny sound of her name coming from anyone's lips caused the pain to throb and pulse. I held onto the tree I was next to for support. I did not dare speak, and wasn't sure if I was even able to.
"We miss you. Are you coming home soon?" Even with the large distance between us, the longing was evident in her voice. She wanted her family back together. But didn't she see that even if I was there, I would be broken? No, that I already was broken.
"No, not until I find Victoria, I can't think of coming home. After, then, maybe." I trailed off, not sure if I could finish. Yet I knew that when I found her, the chances of me going home were slim. Home was no longer with my family but with the love of my life and I walked away from that. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than for conversation to end.
"We will be here for you. Just come home, please Edward." While Esme may look docile and sweet, it was not beneath her to play on our emotions. But I was too far gone, there was not much to play on and I was feeling more and more drained as time went on. It was time to end this little guilt trip.
"I know, Esme and that means the world to me. I have to go. Tell everyone I said hi." Without giving her a chance to interject, I ended the call and turned my phone off. It was a cowardly move, but wholly necessary.
The weight of the guilt and shame coursing through me caused me to tremble and fall to my knees. Immense feelings of failure, worthlessness and hopelessness spiraled out of control. Everything I touched I destroyed. Truly, I was a monster if I could hurt Esme. Not to mention all the pain I had caused her by merely existing.
Never was I more grateful that I was deep in a forest in Wisconsin. If anyone had seen me as I fell to pieces, well, I wasn't sure what would happen. As it was, I had a hard time keeping my thoughts from scattering in the wind. Was there anything I could do to make all of this better? To erase the pain and damage I had inflicted on everyone in my life? No matter how hard I looked, nothing came to mind. I felt like screaming at the fates. It was me they wanted to hurt, not those that I loved.
I sat there for a few hours trying to get a grip on anything left for me to grasp. It wasn't until her face floated behind my eyes that I remembered what I was out here for, what I needed to accomplish. Victoria was still out there and that created an unsafe world for my angel. She deserved to be safe and it would be me that would grant that to her.
I was able to continue my search, but the feelings that surfaced after the call to Esme stayed with me. They joined the misery that was ever present and lapped at the jagged edges of my spirit. It was crushing and suffocating, but I kept moving, it was all I could do.
After that first time, any little thing could send me down that winding path of depression. One time it was after I had marked off more searched areas. I stared at that map and all the area I had covered without finding Victoria. Panic like I had never felt consumed me. What if I never found her? What if all this was a colossal waste of time? On and on went the questions and I second guessed every move I had made up to that point. Suddenly I was convinced that Victoria would never be found and I would fail at this one simple and vitally important task. I felt even more unworthy of her and her love. I had failed at keeping her safe.
This went on for almost 12 hours; guilt, shame, sadness, and apathy were my constant companions and they whispered their thoughts over and over. It was easier to listen to them and believe what they said than to fight. I was tired of fighting and I began to wonder what there was to fight for.
The tone of my phone going off broke me from my vile musings. I had a message from Alice. Don't you dare give up or I am coming to get you. Anger hot and thick flared within me. How dare she? She had no clue how all of this felt, how I felt! The constant struggle to move, to breathe, to simply exist was more painful than any transformational fire. But her message served its purpose; it got me back to the task at hand and the anger drained away.
But this last bout of depression, it left me drained and weary. For two days I struggled to find a way out, to beat back the darkness that engulfed me. I knew what triggered this last low, but I was powerless to stop it. There were forces beyond my control. That was why I searched frantically for a way to stave it off.
I knew the longer I went without hearing my angel's voice, the worse it would be. I had not heard it in over five days and I was in a full blown panic. So I searched for a way to make her talk to me, but it had been too long and everything I contained inside was creeping closer to the surface, ever closer to taking over. Knowing that I needed to get out of the public eye before all hell broke loose; I lurched my way back to the hotel room I was staying in.
My hands were shaking so bad with the force of just trying to hold on to my sanity that it took several tries before I could even open the door. Once open, I crumbled against the closest wall and there I stayed, for two whole days.
I wish I could say the blackness was comforting, but this was unlike the blackness of the cave. In the cave the pain and overwhelming feelings stayed at the edges. They mocked me and made sure I was aware of their presence, but they never dominated me. But here the blackness devoured me. The feeble walls I had constructed to keep my intense emotions at bay fell like dominoes. Then there was no stopping the feelings from washing over me, drowning me.
Everywhere I looked, I saw all my failings and damages lined up neat and orderly for my inspection, each of them were a painful reminder of how much of an utter failure I was. There was no denying the truth of them. To my shame they were all completely accurate.
I read the titles of my failures: loving a human, James, my rebellious years, leaving my love behind, disappointing my family, hurting Alice, Emmett, and Esme. Helpless and hopeless to struggle against them, I believed them all. So I listened to them and their stories of how I will always fall short. It was easier to accept what they said than to argue. So I sat in my corner and watched a parade of my inadequacies floating before me.
Somewhere I was conscious enough to sense a buzzing in my brain, a constant, but faint buzzing inside my head. It was easy to ignore at first, I was unsure if I was actually hearing anything. But slowly the noise grew steadily louder and it was harder to push aside. Every once in a while it would meander to the forefront of my awareness, but when I tried to focus on it, off it went. It left me with a sense of apprehension, as if I had forgotten something vital.
I scoffed at such a notion, I was a vampire, I could not forget anything. Yet, the feeling persisted. I could not shake the notion that I needed to concentrate on the buzzing. It was hard to think with all the noise of my failures, but I tried to focus on that buzzing. It wasn't easy and at times the noise was deafening, but I kept focusing.
Soon I thought I could make out words, but they were just snippets and made no sense. Determined to figure out what I was hearing and what I had forgotten, I continued to listen. The desire to solve this riddle helped dim the litany of my failures. It was easier to push them away and tune them out. Now I was consumed by the mystery of the buzzing, the nagging belief that I had forgotten something important.
Time was unimportant, all other desires and wants fell to the wayside as I went after that elusive buzzing. Ever so slowly, even more words could be heard and some even recognizable; search, promise, safe. They didn't mean much to me, but from somewhere deep inside me they felt pressing, engrained in me. Those words ran on an endless loop and they roused me. Who needed to be safe? Did I make a promise to someone? I asked limitless questions, but got no answers.
Anger coursed through me at my inability to solve this simple conundrum. I felt weak, pathetic-human. Then suddenly it all made complete sense, the pieces were revealed and they silently clicked into place. The buzzing roared to a crescendo as I remembered there was something I had forgotten. There was a promise I made, to make someone safe. There was a search that I was on and it was important to me; it was essential to me. It was my driving force and it was time to get back to it.
Just like that the black hole I had been sucked into spit me back out. The din of voices rushed back as cognition flowed over my mind. I looked around me at the room I was in. I found my phone laying a few feet from where I had crumbled in agony. Reaching for it I flipped it open to see that two days had passed. I was livid at myself that I could wallow in my own misery for two whole days while Victoria was out there doing who knew what. I hadlost precious time in my search to feel sorry for myself. I was disgusted and even more determined to resume my search. That is exactly what I did.
Back to the present and the search at hand, I tried to get a handle on my emotions. They were all over the place and I needed to remain sharp and focused. I could not be distracted if-no when I find Victoria. This all needed to end at that moment.
As I made my way into Pennsylvania, I let my thoughts wonder over the past month of highs, those wondrous times when I'd heard her voice. There were not many of them and I felt ashamed of that. I admit, at first I felt silly prowling around heavily populated cities trying to play hero. That just wasn't me, it couldn't be me. If any vampire could play hero it was Carlisle, hands down. He never let the beast inside him win; he even found a way to tame it. I was always in awe of him. Yet, I still took time in every city to wonder around, looking for a way to hear my angel's voice.
The first time I heard her voice after the car accident was just as I was getting ready to leave Minnesota and head into Wisconsin. I had spent time in a small town called Hinkley. It was home to a casino so there was ample crowds of people and travelers and therefore easier for me to blend in. I spent about an hour looking around and was feeling rather stupid when I decided to just continue my search. I melted into the darkness of nightfall as I made my way through the outskirts of town. I was following a small river hoping I would find a deer to dine on as I continued to search for Victoria. Then the quiet of the night was broken by a crack, a splash of water and the frantic thoughts of someone. Without thinking I ran towards the river bank and scanned back and forth looking for where the sound had come from. There I spotted, about thousand feet from me, a small child frantically trying to get out of the frozen water of the river.
I flashed to the child who looked no more than three or four years old and scooped him out of the water. The river had a thin coating of ice that was covered by the most recent snowfall. There was no way for him to know it was not safe. I could hear the chattering of teeth as the child's body tried to stay warm. The fingertips and lips were faintly blue. Concerned that he may be experiencing hypothermia, I looked around and spotted the child's footprints. I followed them away from the river and headed towards the house they originated from.
Inside I could hear a TV and through the window I saw another child sitting in pajama's watching a movie. Another scan of the house told me there was one other person and it was upstairs talking on the phone. For a brief moment I thought of just placing the child on the back stoop and leaving, but I was concerned for his welfare. What if the person inside did not know how to treat hypothermia? I could not take that chance.
Hesitating only slightly, I knocked on the door loudly. The child watching the movie answered the door. He looked at me then at his sibling in my arms and shouted, "Hey, what ya doing with my brother? Ericka! Someone's got Jack and he's all wet."
The frantic pounding of feet on the steps was followed by the appearance of what I assumed was Ericka. Her eyes franticly went back and forth between me and Jack, who by now was shivering uncontrollably. Her thoughts were in constant chaos. Trying to figure out what had happen, what to do next, trying to determine if I meant harm. She was almost paralyzed by her fear and indecision. Which was not a good thing for little Jack.
I knew I needed to give her a little nudge. Keeping my voice soft and gentle, I prodded her. "He really needs to get out of these wet clothes before hypothermia sets in. Do you need help in warming him?" I figured I would fall back on the lie I used at the accident. "I am studying to be an EMT, I can help."
She broke from her confusion, "Oh, yes. Please help him. What should I do?" With that I entered the house and we laid Jack on the couch. We stripped him of his wet clothes and dressed him in warm pajamas. I had Ericka place a few blankets in the dryer to warm them and we bundled him in several other blankets. She found a few old hot water bottles and we had him curl around them. I told her to keep watch, making sure that his temperature rises. I left her with a suggestion to contact his doctor in the morning to get him checked out.
As I was leaving she thanked me profusely for all my help. "You really were Jack's guardian angel." My eyes widen in shock at her words, before I could break down at her touching sentiments, I nodded my thanks and left the house. I continued on my way into Wisconsin all along re-playing Ericka's kind words. I did not feel I had warranted them, I did not feel like anyone's guardian, much less an angel.
When will you ever see yourself the way I do? You simply amaze me. You are an angel.
Hearing her words sent an electric thrill through my entire body. It was almost paralyzing. Why did she always think I was more than I could ever be? At one time I dared to consider myself her personal guardian angel, but I learned that I fell exceedingly short. I felt as if she had set the bar impossibly high, that there was no way I would or could live up to it. With all my enhanced strength, senses and abilities, I still had no way to climb the mountain she set before me.
There is good in you. I know it, I've seen it, experienced it.
The conviction was strong in her words and I ached to make them true. To be the man she thought she saw, to be the man she deserved. I knew the latter was impossible, so it only left me with one option. To spend the rest of my existence trying to live up to her lofty expectations, even knowing I would fail.
It was almost another two weeks before I heard her again. I was trying to stave off the depression I was feeling. I was amazed by how tired I always felt. It wasn't a physical exhaustion, but an intense emotional one and as each day went by that I did not hear her, it got worse.
I had completed all my grids in Michigan and was continuing onward into Indiana. It was a week after Thanksgiving and I was missing everyone. I knew Alice would be busy shopping for Christmas, dragging anyone she could with her. Esme would be planning the theme of the decorations for the house. Jasper would be trying to hide from Alice what he wanted to get her and Emmett would be scouring his mind for the perfect present for Rose. I was saddened when I realized that I never got a chance to spend a Christmas with Bella.
I tried to move my thoughts to something else, anything but her. If I didn't, I would be sliding down the slippery slope that led only to depression and the black void of my mind. So I threw myself into my search for the perfect way to hear her voice. I was wondering around Fort Wayne which was bustling with people shopping and enjoying unseasonably warm weather. The sound of all the unfamiliar voices was a sufficient distraction from the pain. I allowed my mind to flit from mind to mind, just trying to amuse myself.
There was not much that I had not heard before; concern over shopping for gifts, recent family drama over the holidays, concerns about jobs, marriages, and children. It was oddly normal and I found an unexpected peace in it all. It was proof that life could go on and that was all I asked of her, to continue forward with her normal human life. I wondered if, back in Forks, if she was looking for a gift for her mom and dad…
I was waiting at a crosswalk with several other people when I could hear two people running up behind me. Their thoughts were screaming ahead of them.
I can so make it across before the light turns.
He's going to try and beat the light? He's gonna get hit.
It was the alarm in the second voice that alerted me to the unfolding scene. The crosswalk light was blinking in anticipation of the changing traffic light. The steps of them running got louder and I knew that they would never make it. As the light changed from yellow to red and the opposite light turned green, they streaked past me. One of them stopped and bumped into the gentleman standing next to me. His friend barreled through the crowd and then I noticed the car speeding down the road.
I could see that the other boy would not make it and with the trajectory of the car, there was going to be a huge collision and I did not think the boy would survive. Without thinking I sped to him and prayed that no one noticed my less than human movements. I grabbed the edge of his coat that billowed out behind him and pulled, hard. He stumbled backwards, but the car he did not see continued on its merry way. He fell onto his back and I was sure there would be a bruise, but he would at least be alive. It was a small trade-off in my book.
He looked up in bewilderment, not quite sure how he got where he was. "Dude, what's your damage?"
I wanted to laugh at the irony that was completely lost on this rather ignorant child. Instead I just gave him a smirk as I clued him in, "Would you rather you be on your ass or smeared across the street? I took a chance." With that said I walked across the intersection.
I was still chuckling when a sound I thought I would never hear again filled my mind. Her laugh, sweet and gentle rolled through me. I stopped laughing immediately so I wouldn't miss a single tone of her laugh; it was melodious and soft, just like her.
You couldn't resist that little taunt could you?
I shook my head. I had yet to answer her out loud, I feared that would cause her to fade away and I liked to hear her speak for as long as she would.
I don't blame you, he deserved it. But it was a good thing that you pulled him back. You are getting good at this. I'm proud of you.
Her voice was kind and mellow. It was the perfect balm for my troubled spirit. The tension I held in my back eased and my step were lighter. My mood which was on a precarious slope, evened out and I felt calm. She had always been able to soothe me. She owned me.
The high of hearing her voice that time lasted me for over a week. Often I would pull it out and replay it over and over. What was it about that time that held much more sway over me than any other time that I heard her? I was undecided because there was nothing special or extra meaningful in her words. It could have been about her laugh. It was the first time I had heard her laugh in many months. Maybe it allowed me the unconscious hope that she would be able to move on. Whatever the reason, I relied on it to get me through the darker moments.
As I look back, the most fun I had in trying to hear her voice came in Ohio. I was stuck in a hotel room as the day was sunny on and off, so I needed to wait until sunset to continue on. I was randomly flipping through channels, trying desperately to keep my mind busy. I landed on some unknown movie, but it caught my interest. A boy was talking about doing good deeds for others and asking that they pay it forward to others as a way of thanks. The idea intrigued me. There seemed to be something in the idea of asking others to pass on the spirit of kindness.
I spent the rest of my evening pondering this train of thought. The notion that you start with such a small, simple act of kindness and the potential it had to spread exponentially amazed me. How far reaching could that simple act become? My mind spun in endless circles as I began doing the math. I knew I needed to make something like that happen. But what could I do?
A few hours before dawn, I had my idea and I could not wait to put it into action. Knowing I had several errands to run before executing my plan I looked up today's weather. If it was sunny, I would need to put everything on hold. A smile lifted the corners of my mouth; it was forecasted to be rather cloudy. Perfect.
With that I packed up my bag and checked out of my room. I headed towards my first destination. It took longer than I thought as the manager had to double check my information. I couldn't blame him. If I was duping him it would be his job on the line. Next I went to the copy place. I composed my note and made several copies. I bought plain white envelopes and assembled everything. With that done I headed for the largest mall that was closest to me.
I was lucky it was a Saturday, there would be more people. The mall was busy but not crowded. It wouldn't matter to me, my actions would go unnoticed. I wondered aimlessly, listening in to the thoughts that swirled around me. There was no real rhyme or reason to my methods; I was just looking for people that could use a little boost.
A few hours later and I was almost done with my distribution. I had a few envelopes left. Selfishly I wanted to see someone's reaction, just to see if my idea gave a bit of happiness to someone. I navigated the mall and found myself in the food court. It was close to lunch time and it was the perfect place to sit and observe someone without being noticed. I concentrated hard on the voices around me, looking for a few specific types of people. I found the first easily.
It was a sweet family of four, a mom and her three kids. I watched as the kids talked and ate and I saw the obvious joy and love written clear across her face. Her thoughts however gave away her hidden stress. I made way over and slipped an envelope into a bag when her back was turned. A few minutes later I found the last person to receive my gift.
She was sitting by the fake fireplace in the center of the food court. She had just ended a phone call and was now anxiously looking around obviously searching for someone. Her thoughts told me it was her husband. I also heard that there was some news she wanted to give him, it was happy news. She was the perfect recipient for my last envelope.
I sat in the chair next to her and bent down to tie my shoe. I slipped the envelope into a bag she would show her husband once he came back. I pretended to read a book I had brought with to give me a reason to stay so I could observe. I only had to wait a few more minutes before her husband showed. They kissed their hellos and I could see the excitement in her eyes, which had brightened considerably. She told him she was able to find the book he was looking for and she reached into the bag. She pulled out the book and the envelope at the same time. The anticipation I was feeling ratcheted up another notch.
I watched as she handed the book to her husband and turned the envelope over and over. Her thoughts were puzzled. She had no idea what it was and was trying to figure out how it got there. Her husband was momentarily distracted by his book. She determined there was no harm in opening it up. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched, excitement coursing through me.
Her breath halted for a few seconds as she absorbed what she was seeing. Ever so cautiously she took the bundle out, separating the money from the note. Not surprisingly she counted the money twice. Each time it added up $2500. Her eyes went wide and her thoughts went blank. I smiled. It was interesting to watch her try and process what she was seeing. Eventually she turned to the note which read:
In the spirit of the Holiday Season, I give you this anonymous gift. May it lighten your load and ease any burdens you may be experiencing. All I ask in return is that you bestow an anonymous kindness to someone else. No matter how big or small of a gesture; it is the thought and the intent that counts the most. May your Holidays be filled with love, joy, and happiness.
I heard as she re-read the note several times before finally tugging on her husband's arm and handing him the note. Like her, his eyes went wide and then he saw the money she was holding. A huge grin broke out on his face and I could almost hear a huge sigh of relief. I saw her intent a few seconds before she leaned down to whisper to him, 'The agency called, we got the baby. We can pick her up in a few weeks."
That was my cue to leave, this was a private moment for them and I had intruded long enough. I never made it out of the mall before my angel spoke to me.
You always find bigger and better ways to amaze me. What you did was beyond wonderful. Are you sure you're not an angel?
I could almost hear the smile in her question.
'No," I whispered to the wind, "You're always my angel."
A/N: Soo.. what ya think? I hope the switching back and forth in time was not confusing.. it was the easiest way for me to convery all that had happened..hence my writers block on this one.
Soo please tell me what you think, good or bad- just leave a review..PLEASE? Like always, reviewers get a hint for the next chapter and a little chit chat from me!