A/N: Ok... off the bat I am going to tell you this will be one of my more longer notes- I hope you read it...it is important to me and why this chapter means a lot to me. Some of you may already know parts of what I am about to say.. but please bear with me. When I started to write this story, there were a few things Iwas looking forward to writing..I wanted to understand Edward and what he was thinking. The first was when he decided to leave Bella and the next was when he was in Rio and pining away from Bella. I felt they were crucial parts of the story. So when Isat to write this chapter I was STOKED! So I sat and wrote and about 2.5 pages in I stopped... not because I wanted to but because I was at a loss for words. A day later and still no words.. I became blocked. I freaked out! This chapter meant the world to me and I knew it was a crucial part of the story. A week later and still nothing. When me and my beta connected.. I wanted to hurt her as she did not provide me with the magical answer and by this time I was freaked, livid and having a nervous breakdown. But when her words finally sunk into my panic brain.. it all came tumbling out.. and thus.. this chapter was born. It is both my and PicseanPal23 favorite chapter. My whole soul is in this chapter... And some of you may be astute enough to see that I borrowed almost the same title as Ch. 9.. hopefully you will see the parallel between them. I have to say next to this chapter.. the only good thing that came out of my block was my other story.

To all my reviewers.. THANK YOU! Yourock my world. I tried to answer you all..but FF was a bit tempermental...

Please enjoy this chapter.. and to you PisceanPal23.. this one is all for you girl.. thanks!

The Madness Within

Time means entirely different things for a vampire. The passage of minuscule time such as a minutes, hours or even weeks pass without much notice. When so much time stands behind you and a limitless amount stretches before you, you tend to lose your perspective. But in the last few months, I had become acutely aware of time. It never flows easily; it can be still one moment only to lurch forward at a frantic pace. The times you long for just a few extra seconds are the times when you get too few and then when you beg for time to speed up it slows down to the point of pain.

That is where I find myself now, in pain. I was all too aware of every second that ticked away, afraid that every moment would be permanently etched into my vampire brain with perfect recall. As each second passed I hurt more. I felt it deep in my tissues, even my bones ached with the passage of time. It detailed the amount of time that I had been without her, without Bella.

I said her name now only because I am already in excruciating pain. What was a little more pain to me? It was nothing. So I let it have me. I felt it sink and embed its self into my very being. Each breath in and out was laced with torment. Each blink, each motion I made, there was pain. Sometimes it was quick and fast, other times it was searing and hot. Adding to those feelings were the sadness and guilt. They were the ever present reminder that I had failed in every sense of the word. With the guilt came anger. Anger that I could not do better, be a better person. That the promises I made to me and her meant nothing.

So I sat in my attic, letting the pain wash over me and take over. I sat with my memories and my regrets. I replayed all my choices and decisions and wondered if there was a better way. Was there some unseen path that I failed to consider? I felt that there had to be that one point in time that if I could change it, it would lead me away from where I was.

I tried to stop myself from loving her, but it was useless. I knew then and I knew it now. We were drawn to each other by an unseen force. Whether it was fate, destiny or happenstance, we fell in love. So I tried to protect her, to keep her safe. But it wasn't an easy job and Bella did not help matters. She entered my life and the life of my family and situated herself into our hearts. So day in and day out she was exposed to my world at an alarming rate and I grew careless. The moment I first failed her was with James. My first real test at keeping her safe and I came up deficient. She was seriously injured to the point that she was on the verge of transformation. It was only by shear willpower and luck that she survived with only a scar on her hand.

Maybe that is when it all went wrong. Maybe that day in the hospital I should have told Renee to take her away. Instead Bella begged for me to stay. Her tiny grasp was so fierce and compelling; I went against reason and my better judgment and stayed. My staying only kept us on the path to her disastrous birthday and the final straw. No longer could I ignore reality and live in the bubble I tried to construct. There was danger in my world, I was dangerous and that scared me. So I left, I told her lies and I left her.

For the first time in months I began to wonder if I did the right thing. Was she happy right now? Had she moved on and forgotten all about me? The pain from just asking that simple question knocked me breathless and I clutched at my chest. Scrambling for a way to ease to the pain, I changed my line of thinking. What if she wasn't happy? What would I do then? Would I- or could I- go back to her? Just the idea of going back made the tightness in my chest ease slightly. So I let myself continue down that path. What if there was just the smallest chance she was unhappy that I had left? Could she have loved me just a fraction of the amount that I loved her? Was it even possible? Desire that I long thought had deserted me flared at the notion that she could love me as much as I did her, which left me longing to go and see her.

My muscles began to uncoil themselves from the curled position I had been holding for some time in anticipation of leaving this attic and seeing her. But just as fast I stopped, knowing that I could not just show up after all this time. It would be wrong, wouldn't it? Confusion like I had never known crowded my mind. I snuffed out the tiny flicker of hope that I would be welcomed back in her life if I was to return. I had hurt her too much with my lies. I knew she believed them, it was written in her eyes on the day I had left her.

I wanted to be angry that she doubted me that she gave up on my love for her so easily. But I could never truly be angry at her. I knew that her humanity allowed for doubts and insecurities to color the way she viewed our love. She did not have the luxury of knowing and believing in the power of finding ones mate. While humans flitted from one relationship to another, it's a whole another world for vampires. When we find our mate that is it. There will be no other. We mate for life. There would never be another person that I would want like I wanted Bella.

This all lead me to think about Sophia and Luca. I never really sat and thought much about their story or even why she found it necessary to tell it to me. That's not to say it didn't buzz in the back of mind, far from it. But I had neither the energy nor time to give it any detailed thought until now. So I pulled it out to examine it more closely. Immediately after she finished, I dismissed her as being selfish and self-centered. She placed her wants, needs and desires above what was in Luca's best interest. The selfish part of me tried to get me to look at the other side, but I had denied him a voice for so long, I quickly pushed him away. But now I had nowhere to run and hide. I let him talk, and he immediately started filling my mind with questions and reasoning.

What was so wrong with her wanting the love her existence to be able to be with her? That was her reasoning wasn't it? She loved him and wanted to be with him. The idea of him dying was more than she could handle. She saw that she had it within her power to make them partners, equals in every sense of the word. But even more than that, Luca wanted to be changed. He loved her just as much as she loved him. He also knew that he would die and she would have to go on living. Wouldn't his desire to be with her for forever be considered just as selfish as Sophia's choice to grant it to him?

My head hurt from the circles I was making in my mind. There were no clear cut answers to the many questions I was thinking. So I concentrated on trying to figure out how I felt, letting my selfish side finally have its voice. Did I want Bella for forever? Yes, without a doubt I wanted it. Digging deeper I saw I just didn't want it, I preferred it. The shock of acknowledging that had me hanging my head. Bella as a vampire would make us complete. We would be free to love passionately and without restraints. There would be no more lines, boundaries and exclusions. We could share in everything.

Is that what Bella had been trying to say all along? That she hated the idea that we couldn't share every part of our lives with each other? If she stayed human there would always be things I could never share with her. What is it that makes a relationship real? Was it the ability to share and experience life's trial's and tribulation's? Looking at how my parents were with each other, that is exactly what they did. Even my siblings were able to share in that sense of completeness. It was true that I held so much of who I was and what I was back from Bella. The fear of hurting her outweighed all my other desires and needs. It was ingrained in me to keep her safe at all costs.

So where did that leave me now? I am still miles away from her and no closer to understanding the scrambled thoughts bouncing in my head. Maybe the more important question to ask is what do I want now? Did I stay where I was or did I go back? The selfish side screamed at me to go back, that I had been in pain long enough. The only way to be free of the sadness and grief would be to be with Bella. She was our mate and we deserved to be with her. For a brief second my body flooded with warmth just imaging being with her again. But just as quickly the rational side took over and squashed the idea before it fully formed. I moaned in pain and began to rock back in forth. The agony of the conflict was too much and I just wanted to get away. I felt the edges of the numbness drawing closer and I opened myself up to it. It was exhausting trying to fight against it and I no longer wished to.

I knew what I was doing. I was running away, again and I was surrendering. I was letting the numbness have me; there was too much chaos and confusion outside of it and I could no longer bear the strain of it. I wanted solace, I wanted serenity. There was only one place, one thing that could give me what I so desperately sought.

I pushed myself far away from the real world as possible. I curled so deep into myself that even the pain and agony could not reach me. Where I longed to be was a place of light and love, of happiness and contentment. It could not be tainted by pain, loss or grief. There was no place for shadows or darkness in my place of serenity. Angels were not allowed to dwell in dark places; their light was too bright to be dampened.

I could feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. The heavy burdens that I had placed upon myself lessened their grip till I felt them slide off with little effort. I gave them no second glance as I went to where I wanted to be, where I needed to be. It was the only thing that made sense in my world. It was the only honest, pure thing I had ever experienced. I guarded it deep down in myself, trying to find that one place that I had not polluted with my evil. There had to be one place of light within me, no matter how little it was.

When I could feel the lightness in my body I knew I had arrived. I opened up myself and let it pour over me, pour into my very essence. Happiness and joy radiated from me as I gazed upon my meadow. It was abloom with flowers. Their spectacular colors refracted the light from the sun and it created a hazy glow. The breeze was light but warm on my skin. I opened my arms, to allow it to swirl around me, to engulf me. The rich smell of earth filled my nose and the heady perfume of the flowers clothed me.

I found the center, and sank down on the soft cushion of grass and flowers, my every movement allowing more of their fragrance to release into the hair. I closed my eyes, letting the sun's rays wash me in warmth and heat. There was nothing like heat on my cold skin. If I stayed still long enough, I could almost feel it warm my bones. It was an amazing feeling.

I could hear her and smell her before I saw her and my fingers twitched in anticipation. The scent of freesia was only enhanced by wildflowers all around her. Her lavender scented blood turned intoxicating as the sun sweetened it with its heat. Her heart, so strong and sure, was steady and it was my beacon. Like a cat I turned toward that sound, stretching languidly knowing that pure bliss was seconds away. The soft whoosh of air in her lungs reaffirmed her frailty and I treasured it. It was my curse and my blessing to be given such a gift to keep.

I tuned in with my other senses, leaving my eyes for last. For once I gazed upon her soft brown eyes I would be lost. I would be held forever captivated by them and I would drown. I could see my forever and my future in those eyes. She silently lowered herself to me. Her body heat added to my already warming body and it sent a shiver down my spine. Not from cold- no- the opposite. My body craved her heat, her warmth and I knew it when it caressed my body. It was like a million petal-soft fingers were dancing across my skin, leaving flickers of flame in its wake.

When I did open my eyes, I could not help the gasp of awe that escaped. She was lovely; she was perfection. She was my Bella. A face splitting smile was all I could offer her as words failed me. There was nothing I could say that could accurately describe the vision before me. So I did not speak and break the spell, I simply looked. The smile she graced me lit up her face. There was an inner light that radiated from deep within her and I could not help but be blinded by it.

I had no right to stand in her light, but she would have it no other way. She wrapped me up in her purity and I was home. Her hands were feathers upon my skin and committed every sensation, every touch to my memory banks. The way her touch sent electrical impulses throughout my body, creating a hum that resonated from her to me and back again in once continual loop. My skin was hyper sensitive to her touch. Anticipating where she would go next was thrilling.

Whether it was conscious or unconscious, she started to rock me from side to side. Her hands ran circuits from my neck down my back to my waist and back again. Her other hand ran soothing patterns on my arm. I wanted to know why she was comforting me; there was no need. I had everything that I wanted right where I was, I could want for no more. But still she rocked us. My head rested on her shoulder and slowly the drip of her tears reached my face. The sting of salt in the air created a discord. The air was filled with delightful smells, but all I could smell was the salt in her tears.

Furiously I scrubbed them way, but they came faster and faster, they poured out of her and I was helpless to stop them. My eyes became wide and frantic, not comprehending why she was crying, why she was so sad. I held her gaze, pleading for her to help me, to save her, to save me, to save us.

I saw her mouth move but heard no sound. It was like my ears were plugged. I shook my head, trying to understand, but nothing worked. Why was this happening, why here? This was supposed to be my place of beauty and peace. But a hallow feeling in the pit of my stomach told me that was all changing.

You don't want me? Those words froze my dead heart to the point of cracking. Violently I shook my head.

No, I always want you. I love you.

Now it was her turn to shake her head, her eyes full of sadness and longing. Her hands franticly tried to find purchase on my shirt, but it always slipped through her fingers.

You promised! While I was sure she screamed them to me, all I heard was raw pain and agony laced through each syllable.

I know, I know. I made so many promises and I have broken all but one. I never stopped loving you. NEVER.

I tried to pour myself into those words, to have her see my need, my desire. But she was too wild. Her eyes were wide and unseeing. Her hands clawed at me but they felt like feathers. Drops of sweat beaded on her face, her hair pasted itself to the droplets like glue. Tears that started as a river were now a torrent. Her face held their tracks and her cheeks were flushed from exhaustion.

You're the very best part of my life. With that she slumped down. Her body was unable to sustain the level of intense emotions. I saw the fight and the light leave her body.

No! No, Bella, no. All I could think was that I did this too her. I broke her.

Suddenly, my mind was filled with sounds and I no longer felt warm. There was no fragrant air, there was no hazy sun. There was only the stench of the tenements below me and weak sun through filthy windows. I spun head around, trying to understand. How or why did the numbness release me? I pushed at my eyes with my hands, trying to make sense of it all and was coming up empty.

When reality crashed around me, I could no longer stand the staggering pain. I knew, without a doubt, what that scene in the meadow was about. I wanted to deny it. I wanted to forget about what I saw, what I heard her say. I wanted to scrub clean my memories as I watched the light leave her. It was all wrong, so very wrong. She was my angel, my earth bound angel, so filled with light and love and goodness. How could it happen?

You know why it happened.

I shook my head again. No, I would refuse to listen to that part of me again. All it has done since I holed myself up here was to make me doubt and question and hurt. I was tired of it, so very tired of it all. I pounded the wall next to me in frustration and watched as the wood splintered and crack.

You let me out. Here are the consequences. This is your own version of Pandora's Box. Maybe you need to face up to a few things.

I did not want to listen. There was a reason why I refused to pay attention to the selfish side of me. It was wrong.

Like NOT listening to me did you any good. The last few months are the product of you ignoring me. Don't you think it is about time you gave me a chance?

I would be lying if I said no. I knew what that side of me wanted. The problem was I saw no good benefit from listening to it. Wasn't that side the reason why we got into the mess on her birthday? It was the reason why Bella even entertained the idea of wanting to be a vampire. It was the reason why I pursued her in the first place.

But you haven't done well by being all rational either. It's time to face the consequences of your actions. Or are you afraid of what you may find?

That was the heart of the problem. I dreaded even contemplating the consequences of my actions. That little trip to the meadow alluded to the idea that maybe there were consequences that I had yet to comprehend. The idea that maybe I really had broken Bella was more than I could fathom. I was not ready to deal with that type of crushing pain. Not when all I wanted to do was spare her from feeling anything negative. To even begin to think I caused her pain, no, that was too much to take!

Let's not go there yet. We have plenty of stuff to sort out before we discuss that.

I slumped down along a wall in the attic, not even realizing that I had stood up to pace. Resignation was thick in the air. I knew that I could no longer run from this. It was time to examine the flip side of the coin, as hard as that may be. The problem was where to start?

How about why you're so opposed to Bella becoming a vampire?

I snorted in disgust. Really? That is where we were going to start. That was the easiest one to answer. Bella deserved better than a life or an existence as a vampire. It was about her soul. She should be able to experience all that she could, her full potential. There was no way she could do that as a vampire. LI was a prime example. I was forever seventeen. Never would I be able to have a job, one that I am passionate about and gives me purpose. I would love to follow in Carlisle's footsteps. I enjoyed medical school and the times I was able to assist, I felt as if I could make a difference. How could box her in? She was too full of life and light to be caged in a frozen body.

That's all fine and dandy for you. What about her side of it? Have you even asked her for her point of view?

That stopped me short. I scanned my memory banks and with sadness realized I had done nothing more than discount her view and change subjects. I never took the time to ask why she wanted it. I never really openly talked to her about all the things I feared she would be missing.

You did more than that. You felt that your viewpoint held more value, more weight. You discounted her feelings because she was human. That's kind of ironic when that is what you want her to be. Just because you have lived for over a hundred years doesn't mean you know more.

I wanted to deny that assumption, but there was a kernel of truth in it. I would scoff at her attempts to explain what she wanted and why. What did she know? She had only lived for seventeen years. Not nearly enough to know what she wanted, to know how she would feel and to be absolute in that knowledge. Even I struggled with having absolute faith in things. How could she, in all her humanness?

But then, Bella has never been the typical human, has she? Face it. Not once was she fearful of you, before or after she found out what you were. She found a place among your family with no hesitation or reservation. She loves you without conditions. All she asked for was a chance to be your equal. Sophie had the right idea.

No! That didn't make it right, I pled. We were never meant to fall in love. It's not normal. I had no right to love her.

Says who? Where is it written that love between a human and vampire should never happen? Why do you feel you do not deserve to be loved? To be loved by her? Take the whole soul issue off the table and answer the question.

Could I- or- did I- want to answer that question? No, I did not. It was too hard. It wasn't a fair question to ask of me. For me to lay myself bare, to truly examine my faults, my shortcomings and be honest about it. I held myself tighter, afraid I would fracture at the fear that paralyzed me. I tried to say that it was because I had done too much killing. That what goodness may have remained after my transformation was taken away when I began to kill. When the thrill of the hunt and the pursuit of human blood meant more to me than anything else I had, even more than my family. Yet, even deeper than that, there was the belief that vampires were unable to truly love, not without damaging it, corroding it till lay rusted. I could almost hear my selfish side laugh in glee at that thought.

Hmm, let's see if I can follow your line of thinking. You think you can't truly love…that you will somehow turn that love into something bad? If that is true, how do you explain Esme, Carlisle or any of your siblings and their mates? But maybe it's the whole killing thing that's got you worried, well then let's look at Jasper. He has done more killing than you can comprehend. If your little theory is correct how is it that he can love Alice? Or do you doubt that he even loves her? Hasn't their bond, their love just grown the more they are together, or is that all faked? Can you honestly look at Esme you mother for longer than your human one, and tell her that she hasn't loved you or anyone else? Is what you have been witnessed to for the last eighty years all a lie? If you can honestly do that, then I guess you are right. But I don't think you can. So I think it's something else, something you haven't touched upon because you too damn scared.

The sobs were ripping from my chest. The longer the tirade went the deeper the cuts. I felt exposed, bleeding and utterly shattered. I couldn't take it any longer. This was getting me nowhere. There were more answers than questions. I clawed at my hair, I ripped my hands down my face trying to scrub away the frustration, the terror, the absolute panic that I could feel was coming.

So let's get real about everything. You are deathly afraid to take a leap of faith on Bella, on her love for you, on the love you have for each other. You'd rather keep her just an arm length away for fear of getting hurt, that it may all get taken away from you. You have been so concerned about your feelings that you never gave Bella's feelings any honest consideration. You wanted to stay with her human. Did you even think about how that would affect her? No, you just brushed her concerns and her fears aside, they were inconsequential to you. She begged you to make her like you, so that you could truly share your lives together. While you may have more life experience, Bella truly understood what it took to make a relationship work. She was willing to take that leap of faith, in you, in your love.

How and why did it go all wrong? It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't true. I did love… NO! I loved Bella. I loved her with all that I was. I had given everything I had to her. Haven't I? Every choice, every heart wrenching decision I made was for her. It was all to do what I could for her.

But not once did you truly talk to her about your fears, concerns and reservations. To have a solid relationship there needs to be trust, honesty and equality. She was trying to give that to you. But you threw it in her face. You took the role of protector, guardian, and decision maker. Not once did you ever treat her as if she had anything to contribute. You knew she felt uneven, inadequate and you only added to that by brushing what she offered aside.

The stark horror of those words and the truthfulness of them left me reeling. Everything I had constructed around me was crumbling. I could no longer trust my thoughts or my actions. One question rolled around my brain and the answer to it could have ramifications that I had yet to comprehend; I was unable to. What if I was wrong… about everything? What if every thought, word, action, and choice I had made in regards to Bella and I was wrong? What did that mean?

So let me make my final point. Do you now understand what happened in the meadow? Think back to what happened and what we talked about and see if you can figure it out. Just maybe, if you can, it may not be too late.

Just like that I was left all alone in my head. There was nothing. It was quiet, it was blank and it was terrifying. I knew I had not succumbed to the numbness, I was too aware of other sensations. But my mind was a blank canvass. So I took all that I had been thinking about. All that was laid at my feet and for the first time, I took my blinders off and really looked at all that I had done. I replayed every word, every nuance from Bella. Looking for the answers I knew was there. When I finally saw the truth, I could no longer shy away from its brilliance. I groaned at my arrogance.

You're the very best part of my life.

Those were her words. It wasn't that I broke her; it was that when I left I took part of her with me. She was the one who had given a part of herself to our love. She literally poured herself into every choice she made. She did it for us. Although she was human, she loved more deeply and more purely than I could ever understand. She had faith in us, enough to sustain us both until I could find some of my own. She trusted in the notion that everything would work out as long as we were together, as long as we were partners.

The rightness of that thought made me cringe and smile. For now I was starting to see how wrong I had been, how arrogant and foolish I had been. How much I had at stake and the realization that it may be too late. I had the love of a lifetime and I never realized it. For the first time in a long time I allowed myself to really contemplate going back. Hope began to flare and this time, I did not beat it back. I allowed it to warm me from the inside.

So lost in my thoughts, I never registered the faint ringing in the background, and thus paid it no attention.

A/N: *peeks out* Sorry for the cliffy.. I hope you enjoyed it.. please leave me a review... they bring me excitement... ok... as always.. teasers to all who leave signed reviews!