A/N: I am sorry about how long it has been since I last posted. Real life has gotten in the way. I hope that this chapter makes up for it! The response I received on the last chapter humbled me.. honestly. That chapter was my baby and you guys rocked it with your reviews- to all of you I say THANK YOU! I am sorry if I did not respond to everyone.. FF was being a turd. But it is fixed now... so I will respond and send ya teasers if ya review! Also, some of you know that Ms. Meyer did a little blurb about the call you are about to read about. I'll let ya know I borrowed heavily from that. I did knock some stuff out and rearranged it to match where I had Edward in my story. But I found that her words said it better than I could. I hope you will grant me thie piece of artisitc license.
I do not own Twilight, but I do own a brand new pink zip drive that holds all my stories. Enjoy!
Realization of Regrets
Epiphanies are exhausting and I was still reeling from mine. My body felt like lead weights. My every movement caused me to cringe in pain. I alternated between standing, walking and sitting. I couldn't stand to be in any one position for too long. I had no clue what to do or think. Just because I found the beginning of clarity did not mean I could forget everything else I believed. I had worn my fears and my arrogance like a cloak and it was hard to shed. It was comfortable and I knew how to act and feel in it. Without it I was lost and exposed.
The knowledge of how unfairly I had treated Bella, even though it was unconscious on my part, ate away at me. It was driving me mad that I could be the cause for any of her pain, hurt or fear. I never meant to do it. I was trying to love her in the only way I knew how, as flawed as it was. But how to make it right was the question I was struggling with. On the outside it would seem the easy answer would be to go back. But it has been six months and there has been so much damage. Has there has been too much time that has passed? I feared that it was too much time and that it allowed for hard feelings to solidify and for anger and sadness to become bigger than I could conquer.
What did one say in a situation such as this? 'I am sorry' was wholly inadequate and did not convey the depths of my regret and despair. How did one begin to make reparations? Bella was not the sort of woman where a shiny jewel or expensive gift could erase the most miserable months in her existence. No, she was so much more than that. She was love, passion, truth, light, goodness and faith. Those were things that cannot be restored overnight, even though they took seconds to tear down.
So there I was, in my attic vacillating back and forth between hopping on the next plane home and calling her on the phone and begging. But then I worried, what right did I have to go back? I lied to her, I hurt her. I said things that played to all her insecurities and fears. I was cold and unfeeling and left her all alone. If I had ever wanted to try and earn the right to love her, surely I destroyed with one fell swoop.
No matter the questions and issues that I posed, it all came back to one main point. I needed to find faith. I had to trust in and believe in the love that I held for Bella. I had to trust that if there was a flicker of love that still stood between us that I could fan it and it could once again burn bright. But that leap of faith was monumental. I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. Here I was, capable of leaping distances that were super natural and I cowered at a leap of faith.
I knew my problem was that I did not know what was lying in wait in the other side. I no longer had control and for me that was paralyzing. I had always known what others around me were thinking and used that knowledge to my benefit to get the outcome I desired. Even when I was human it was easy for me to do that. Rarely had I ever had to hope for the best. If I went back to Bella and laid bare all my insecurities, fears and dreams I would have no foresight into the outcome. I would be just as vulnerable and exposed as she has been the entire time we were together. Could I take a leap of faith on our love? I feared the answer was no. So, then maybe I was willing to take one for Bella. If I was willing to punish myself with pain for sixty or seventy years, I should be able to do it.
I closed my eyes. Immediately a picture of Bella floated in my mind. She was so beautiful. I ached to hold her and talk to her. In vain I tried to search the image for the answers I sought. No, that wasn't true; I had the answers, now I needed the courage to do what I should.
The buzzing of my phone drew me out of my reverie and I was instantly annoyed. This was about the thirtieth call in over twenty-four hours and it was starting to bother me. There was never a message left, just call after call. Part of me wanted to keep ignoring it. There was too much at stake, too much to contemplate. Chances were, it was Alice and she was seeing my indecision and wanted to influence me. I briefly wondered if she had a vision of me going back to Bella and wanted to tell me about it. That idea intrigued me greatly, and I itched to see if I was right. I went so far as to reach for the phone, but dropped my hand at the last instant. No, this was all about faith. It wouldn't be fair; it would be me doing the same old same thing. It was hard to get different results when I keep on doing the same motions.
Hours later and I was still no closer to a choice and I was growing more frustrated at myself. It didn't help that my damn phone had rung about ten more times. I was toying with the idea of just checking up on her, maybe seeing her but her not seeing me. I needed proof that she was either happy or not. I was not prepared to take such a giant leap of faith just yet. Of course that only served to highlight how undeserving I was of her and her love.
The buzzing was happening yet again and in a moment of fury I snatched it open. I barely had time to register that it was Rosalie that was calling and not Alice before I hit the answer button.
"What?" I did not hide the contempt in my voice. Why in the world was she calling? I began to worry that something was wrong with a family member. I could come up with no other reason for her to call me after such a lengthy absence from her life.
"Well, it's about damn time you answered your phone." Her voice was snarky and I once again longed to backhand her. If that was how she responded, I had my serious doubt there was anything pressing she needed to say.
My finger hovered over the end button, prepared to end this call the millisecond I was bored, which could happen relatively quickly.
"I am in no mood for you or your attitude, Rosalie. I will end this call if you don't tell me why you are bothering me." Even over the phone, I could sense the pause.
"Bothering you? That's rich. Sorry to interfere with your massive emo-mood trip." There was edginess to her voice and I had neither the inclination nor desire to figure it out. I did however remain silent and gave her till ten before she really started talking or I hung up. I was at seven when she finally spoke.
"I thought you should know that Alice is in Forks." My eyes narrowed as I tabulated the reasons why she would say this. One, she knew it would stop me from hanging up, therefore prolonging whatever clever torture she wanted to inflict. Two, Alice was in Forks in which case I was going to chew her out. Three, there was something really wrong and she had no way to tell me. I found myself hoping for reason number one.
Not wanting to give anything away I flatly answered her, "What?" My finger still hovered over the end button; I was prepared to do what was needed to save my sanity.
There was a small chuckle, but no humor. "Like you, Alice thinks she knows what's best and has gone meddling." I did not bother to contain the low growl that was building in my chest. I am sure she heard it. But this time my anger moved from Rosalie to Alice. It's no surprise she's there. I was sure she saw me contemplating paths the last few days and decided to take matters into her own hands.
She did not agree with my decision to leave and made no attempts to hide that fact. In the beginning she tried several things to get me to go back. Now, when she sensed that I was weakening, she was trying to force me into a decision I was not sure was entirely right. I banged my head a few times on the wall behind me. I am sure she means well, but this was not her choice to make and I could not help but become irritated with her.
Yet, maybe this was the push I needed and she saw that. She knew I would not make a decision until she did this. But this wasn't how I wanted it to be. I had something to prove to myself, something to prove to Bella and I felt as if it was all being taken from me. But what is done is done I tried to rationalize; maybe I should just go back and begin the long process of begging and pleading.
Vaguely I heard Rose speak and I had to ask her to repeat herself.
"Umm, don't you even want to know why she is there?"
I did not want to answer, but I could not help myself. When it came to anything that remotely concerned Bella I had to know, no matter how trivial it may be.
"No, not really." I tried to sound bored but I don't think I fooled her. I don't think I even fooled myself.
Rose's voice took a tone of arrogance, as if she suddenly had all the answers, but she wasn't going to make it easy to get them.
'Sure you don't. But no worries. It's not as if she's breaking any rules, you know. It was only Bella you warned us to stay away from, right? The rest of Forks doesn't matter, it was just Bella." The way she said it, like it was a taunt and a riddle and she held all the pieces but I was still required to put it together. My only thought was that Bella was no longer residing in Forks. I wasn't sure how I felt about that idea.
Part of me was happy; I knew she hated Forks and the lack of sun and the ever present cloud cover. An angel liked her deserved the warmth and the light. But part of me despaired at the thought of her gone. Forks was the one place I would always think of as home and now it would be so empty without her there. Had I really broke her so much that she had to flee? I was sickened at the idea and it made my little meadow scene flash before my closed eyes. I had hurt so bad she had to leave; she had to run away as well.
The silence on my end must have bothered Rosalie, for she continued to talk and she was getting nervous and that made me instantly on edge.
"So you there is no reason to get all angry with her." All I could do was sigh as this was beyond exasperating and I had reached my quota of tolerating Rosalie's little game. My finger began the downward motion to hang up, "But that's not why I called."
"You have ten second to spill it. Say it now or I will hang up and dismantle my phone. Then I just want you to leave me alone." I did not hide my fury. There was viciousness and venom in every word. I had no time for her cruel games and her spite. So I seethed in silence.
"It's…" she paused far too long and I reminded her of my threat.
"Don't push me, you have gone too far."
"Come home Edward, it's time for you to come home. Everyone is so sad and quiet. Esme looks depressed, Emmett mopes and Carlisle is always at work. You have put us through hell long enough and its time that you stop being so selfish."
I literally saw red at her words. How dare she judge me when she has no idea what I have been struggling with for months? Her words also began to unravel all the hard work and progress I had made. Wasn't that what I had said all along, that I was too selfish? The words and doubt float in my brain and I felt so confused.
No, Rosalie never accepted Bella, she has her own issues. That is your mate. If you ever want to deserve her, you have to fight for what you believe in. The problem was that I wasn't even sure anymore what I believed in.
"You know, that's real rich coming from you. Don't start pretending you care about me or what I have been going through. I know that you never did and never will care. It's been hell. Do you hear me? IT'S BEEN HELL!" My breath was coming out is gasps from fear, anxiety and anger. My hands were shaking so much the phone was rattling around.
"Well, Edward." Her voice sneered on my name, snarky, bitchy Rose is back , everyone. "While I am sure your moping has been life-altering, I have been dealing with the fall-out of your behavior. Don't you even care how much you have hurt everyone?" I could tell by her tone she honestly believed that I did not know the consequences of my actions. I did and I knew the alternative was far worse. There was no way I could be around them. I stayed silent; I refused to be baited by her.
"I thought once this whole Forks thing was finished, you would get over it."
"Forks was never the problem, Rosalie." The exasperation in my voice was thick, she never understood and she never would. "Just because Bella no longer lives there, doesn't mean it will be any easier. It's better if I stay away, no one would be any happier if I were there."
She was quiet, too quiet and I was immediately panicky, there was something that I was missing, something crucial. "What is it that you are not telling me? Is there something wrong? Carlisle or Esme?" I was unable to keep the anxiety from leaking into my voice and I could not form the questions that were flying in my mind.
"They are fine, for the most part, it's just that…um...I never said that Bella moved."
I replayed our conversation and tried to make sense of everything but it was too muddled and my nerves were shot. What was I missing, what was I failing to understand? My silence must have unnerved Rosalie for she began talking a mile minute.
"They didn't want me to tell you, but I think that's stupid. The quicker you get over this; the sooner things can go back to normal. You can come home; there is no need to mope anymore. Come home so we can be a family. It's all over." She ended on a huff and she was angry, but I had no idea why, even her words were convoluted and nonsensical, almost like she was talking to herself.
"I don't understand." I said each word slowly and succinctly in the hopes she would spit out whatever she had to say.
"She's dead, Edward. Bella is dead. She threw herself off a cliff two days ago. Alice saw it and reacted and went to Forks, but it was too late. She's with Charlie now." If she said anymore I did not hear it I had hung up and turned off the phone.
No, no…nooo.. over and over those words echoed in my head. Even my head was moving from side to side, trying to shake loose the words that were forever embedded into them. My eyes scanned the attic, almost as if the truth could be discovered on them. No, no, no… there was no way this was happening, there had to be a reason, a understanding that was beyond me but made more sense than the reality I found myself in.
This had to be a joke, I wouldn't put it past Rosalie, and she could be that cruel, she had in her. I needed to verify, to make sure, right? When could I ever trust Rosalie? Never, so I had to prove she was playing a dangerous game. With shaking hands I turned my phone back on and closed my eyes as I dialed the one number I had not called in over six months.
As I listened to it ring I had no clue what I would do if she answered, but I was spared that by a gruff unfamiliar male voice, "Swan residence."
Without hesitation I mimicked my father, "This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. May I speak to Charlie?"
"He's not here." The words were tinged with anger and it threw me for a second. Then I got angry as well, this was life and death.
"Well, where is he then?" I barely contained the snarl from ripping out of my throat.
There was a pause and it went on for longer than I was comfortable with and I felt my body begin to tremble.
"He's at the funeral," was the response. With softness I did not feel, I closed my phone and sank to my knees.
I felt nothing, I heard nothing. I was standing in a void, a vacuum and had no sense of anything, not even of myself. I could feel consciousness at the edge, like any moment reality would crash down upon me and I would drift away. How? When? Why? I couldn't even form a proper question, so they looped endlessly. How? When? Why?
A noise pierced the silence and it hurt, it was a high keening sound and it was agony. Seconds later I pinpointed that it was coming from me, it was emanating deep inside me. Not my chest, not even from my gut, it was coming from that place where I kept my love for her, for Bella. Her name let loose the gates of grief and sadness and I did not stand a chance. I rocked back and forth chanting her name like a prayer. I clawed at my hair trying to pull out the idea that she really was gone. I wrapped myself up to keep from fracturing. Everything felt disconnected, I could not feel my arms or my legs or even my chest, but I knew they were there, because I felt the pain.
Just as quickly as I felt the pain, I was angry, so very angry. How dare Bella leave me all alone? I survived knowing she was out there; living, breathing and human. Now she was no more and I was more alone than I had ever been. Growls and snarls ripped from my chest, I felt the hollowness with such acuteness it was torture. Why did Bella do this to me? Why did she want to hurt me so bad?
The emotions within me morphed and swelled with such speed and relentlessness that I was unable to keep up. They spun me dizzy and left me with no energy, no desire, and no comprehension beyond one simple truth. Bella was dead. With those simple words reverberating in my mind, the chaos stopped and I stood still. An eerie calm settled over me and my path was clear. It was all too simple. Finally, I knew where my path would take me.
I reached for the phone and made my preparations as I left my attic. I did not bother with the bag, just the few items that I required. Where I was going, nothing else was needed. Once outside, the residual heat of the sun wrapped around me like a buffer. It insulated me from everything and I welcomed it. With my call done I flipped my phone into a nearby trash can, I no longer had a need for such an item.
I didn't remember how I got to the airport or even how long I had waited to board. I was unaware if there were other people on board. They were meaningless and outside my realm of understanding. What I did know was that I had only place I needed to be. There I would find my answers, my salvation and perhaps even peace.
Now that I was in the air, I was faced with several hours of uninterrupted time and it made me nervous. I did not want to be left to my thoughts and the emotions churning in my gut. They were unfamiliar and frightening. I needed to focus on the task at hand. It was an unreasonable demand to make on myself, I knew this. But what other alternative did I have?
I closed my eyes against the onslaught of voices in my head. They clamored and rattled around and it only added to the pain. I was having trouble really believing that she was gone. That she was no longer tied to this earth; now, she was a true angel. I could picture her, backlit with an otherworldly light, her hair, long and luscious blowing in a gentle breeze, her face calm, serene. In her eyes I could see warmth and love and peace as she opened her arms to me, beckoning me, welcoming me. I am coming, love. Please wait for me. A sob broke free and I held myself closer and it was not nearly enough. I tried to rock gently in the seat, but there was no relief from this movement. I needed her, plain and simple. I needed Bella.
I hope you're happy how things turned out?
The thought came without warning and I recoiled from it. No, no, I was not happy. This was not how I wanted things to be. She was supposed to LIVE. She was meant to grow old, have a life, get married, have children and die after she had lived her life to the fullest. That was all I ever wanted for her, all I dreamed for her. No…it was not supposed to happen this way.
Do you really think she would forget you? Forget that she loved you?
I wanted to say 'of course that is what I wanted her to do', but deep down, it would be a lie. Part of me didn't want her to forget me. It was selfish and childish, but, it was true. To hope that in some deep recess of her heart she would store all that we shared and maybe even think upon with fondness, that wasn't too much to want. But in the end, I wanted it to be just a sweet memory, a reminder that there was someone who loved her so completely that he set her free.
Some freedom you gave her. So much so that she did not want it and jumped off a cliff.
The idea she jumped because of me was too much to take. I did not want to imagine that, I did not want those thoughts in my head. I pushed my hands into my eyes, willing the images of a broken and bloody body to stay away. But they came fast and furious and I whimpered at the explicitness of them. A face streaked with tears, her face contorted in pain and anguish, a bruised and battered body, her lying so still and pale in a coffin. I could not contain the sobs that wracked my body; I did not want to see anymore.
I bet Sophia is looking more and more intelligent by the minute, isn't she?
My head shook of its own volition. There was no way I would admit that, I couldn't.
Deny it all you want. I know the truth. If she was on the verge of death, you would beg Carlisle to change her. Even more, you wanted to spend an eternity with her. Deep down, where you can't run from the truth, you longed for it. Now that she is gone, you have lost your chance.
A low moan escaped and I wanted to scream in frustration. Her soul, her soul, this is about her soul! I did not want to change her because she deserved to keep her soul. I could not steal her humanity, her pureness, her light. That would be too selfish. I could not be that selfish, that self-centered. Sophia made a selfish choice, pure and simple. I could never be so selfish.
Sophia's choice was not selfish; it was born out of a desire to be with the one that she loved. There is no selfishness in wanting to love and to be loved. But you had to fight it all the way; you fought against it and never really accepted it. Now look where you are; no love, no mate. You have your wish; you are alone in this world.
Did I really want to be alone? I did not know anymore. I was confused and so very tired. I had been spinning in circles and was so lost within my own mind that I did not know what was real. I had lived with the pain and sadness for so long that it was all I could remember. There was no beginning or end to it; it was my constant state of being.
Through the haze of my mind I felt a burning of some forgotten truth. My body began to tremble with the force it was putting out. It was clawing its way to the surface but something within me was fighting. I did not know if I should fight or let it come to light. No longer was I in control of myself, I felt oddly detached and removed from everything around me. The feeling of being sucked into a vortex surrounded me. My hearing and vision felt narrowed and diminished. No longer was aware of what was around me. Instead my focus was inward and the notion that something bigger than me was being born.
Somewhere within me, I found the strength to channel all my focus to what was trying to be revealed. It seemed important and so I concentrated. It took willpower and determination, more than I thought I would ever need to expend. Never had I needed to work so hard to figure something out, but this was so beyond me that it demanded all that I had to offer.
What finally surfaced was so true, so honest it left me bleeding and reeling. How was it possible for me to feel dizzy and disorientated? My breathing turned ragged and if I could, I knew I would be sweating. My chest felt tight, constricted and the holes that I had been carved out all these months were oozing and burning. I could not bear this truth, I wasn't strong enough. To give it light and credence would destroy me and everything that I believed to be right. I curled up as tight as I could, I wanted to be invisible.
My mouth began my litany and there was no stopping it. The truth could no longer be held back, it demanded I give it acknowledgement. What used to be the two separate parts of me; the selfish and rational side merged, into one voice, one stream one consciousness that became my new reality all at once.
I was so wrong. I made a mistake in leaving Bella. I love her and always will. I never wanted to be apart from her; I never wanted to leave her. I wanted her for all eternity; I would never be strong enough to let her die. I was never that strong. All I have ever wanted was her and her love.
My body uncurled as the shock took over. There was no denying this revelation. Each word was truth; brutal and raw truth. It was interrupted by a voice over the intercom as our arrival in Florence, Italy was announced. I closed my eyes and hung my head in supplication, and for the first time in close to eighty years, I began to pray that God would have mercy on me and allow me to see Bella once again.
A/N: Gasp! We are now in Italy. Soo what did ya think? As always I respond to all signed reviews and even give ya teaser on the next chapter! Please leave me some love!