A/N: Soo sorry for the delay.. real life gets in the way... But I can make a promise that there will be an update once a week for the next 2 weeks! If I can get my writing done sooner.. that may happen every week.. we will see!
A big hug and kiss to Sarah for helping hash out some of the finer details.
To all that have stuck with this story and left me amazing reviews- you ROCK! I get all giddy when I see reviews in my email!
Once agian, I do not own Twilight or the characters.. I do own a kick butt wrist brace that has helped me keep typing. ENJOY!
Begging for an End to it All
Once outside the city of Florence, I paused to look around. The landscape before me was beautiful and peaceful. I felt serene. Ever since that horrible day in September, I had been plagued with guilt, loss, anger, pain and sadness. Each step and each mile moved me farther and farther away from Bella and made the feelings intensify. I fought a losing battle each and every day that I was apart from her. It took months of denial and one devastating phone call for me to realize the terrifying truth. I had committed a grave injustice against Bella. I lied to her, hurt her, betrayed her and worse of all I failed her. I failed to keep her safe; I failed to keep her alive.
Now that I have seen the error of my ways and a plan in place to rectify them, I could finally feel at ease. I did not know what waited for me. Would I burn forever and have no everlasting peace? Perhaps I would float away into nothingness? What I did not want to hope for, but was powerless to stop wishing for, was the idea that I would see her again. That some merciful deity would take pity on me and my wretched existence and allow me to share some sort of afterlife with my Bella. I knew I did not deserve such a reward, but I could not stop hoping that I would be granted it.
I slowly made my way to Volterra, letting the fragrant countryside envelope me, cocooning me against the rest of the world. I had never been to Italy before and so I allowed my eyes to drink up the beauty before me. There were rolling hills and quaint villages nestled into the sides of the hills. The colors were bright and different from Forks. Here it was warmth and sun, rich browns and vibrant terra cotta. I could smell the vines heavy with grapes, a variety of spices perfumed the air as well. The residual heat was just being cooled by the night and the beginnings of low fog dotted the land.
I had no clue what I would be walking into when I finally arrived in Volterra. I had heard the stories from Carlisle. There were three ruling heads; they had a main guard and many others in service to them. Out of the three, only Aro and Marcus had gifts. I was leery of Aro's gift. I did not like the idea that he could read every though I had ever had. I knew I had to avoid touching him at all costs. I wanted to keep Bella to myself. They did not need to know about her.
My thoughts turned toward my best course of action. Maybe there was a way for me to get my desired outcome without having to actually go in front of the Volturi. It was safe to surmise that acting in a way that would draw attention to the possibility of vampires would result in them acting in a swift and absolute manner. That seemed to be the result I wanted to achieve. I could lift a car over my head in a crowded city street. I am sure that would more than cause them to react. Part of me worried what would happen to the humans that would witness my show of strength. I had no doubt that they would become a snack for the Volturi and I could not have that happening.
I toyed with the idea of attacking a member of the guard. It could be done without any human witnesses and who knows, it may allow me to take a few guard members with me. Now that idea pleased me immensely. My only problem with my plan was that I wasn't familiar with the guard. I did not know their strengths and weakness, nor if they possessed any gifts. While my mind reading provided me with a certain edge, I am sure that it's not the ultimate edge.
I knew I wouldn't be attacked by any of the bodyguards. They would stay with the Volturi themselves; they would be the more powerful ones. Still, I was more than certain that most members of the guard would have some gift, some power that would be useful in a fight. Chances are that is why they belonged to the guard.
I mulled over the different possible scenarios that would bring me face to face with the guard and sadly, I was coming up lacking. I did not think to question Carlisle on how one would confront the guard, or the typical protocol for paying a visit to the Volturi. So everything I was doing would have to be spontaneous. It was in that thought that I finally thought of my family. I wondered if Alice had seen my decision and what she was thinking. Did the rest of my family know as well? My only comfort came with the notion that if Alice was in Forks with Charlie, then maybe she would not be so focused on me.
I wanted to feel sorrow for any pain that I would cause my family, but it was hard. This felt so right. I needed to be where was or at least die trying. She was no longer part of this earthly plane; there was no reason for me to exist on it as well. She was my sole reason for being, for striving towards the ideal; she was my reason for being. Her heartbeat echoed in my cold one, her warmth radiated to me, thawing me like nothing else. Her love set me free from the prison I had built and allowed me to believe in something good.
In a matter of minutes I would be standing outside Volterra and I still had no real solid plan on what I was going to do. I needed to focus and come up with a plan, any plan. I have remained too long on this earth without Bella, it all needed to end. As the minutes ticked by and I saw the walled fortress that was Volterra I realized I should be a man and ask for my death. There would be no reason why Aro would need to touch my hand. I would make a request of him and if he should question me further, I could always read his mind to figure out the best way to placate him. With that in mind I walked calmly and resolutely towards Volterra.
I had no doubt that once my presence was made known I would be escorted to meet Aro. I entered the city walls and took in the site before me. Dark sand colored walls rimmed the city; they were more decorative than useful as a deterrent. The main castle held several turrets and was beautiful in the night sky. It definitely had an air of authority and distinction. There was no one around and I took time to study the plaza. There was a stunning fountain in the center of the plaza and the water's calming babble soothed me even further. On the northern side there was the famous clock tower. The city was decorated in red, everywhere. Banners hung from the castle and draped over all the lamp posts; it looked like dripping blood. For some odd reason it unsettled me.
I squared my shoulder and continued towards the castle. From Carlisle's memories I knew there was a main door and that was where I headed. I had not made it too much further when I heard two unfamiliar thoughts. From what I could make out, they were part of the guard and they had been alerted to my presence. I stopped and waited for them.
Seconds later they were both standing in front of me. They both wore dark grey cloaks and the hoods had been pushed back and rested on their backs. One was bigger than the other and more bulky. He reminded me of Emmett. The other was a bit leaner, not as tall and he seemed a bit more composed than his companion. The short one greeted me.
"Welcome to Volterra. May I be of assistance to you tonight?" While his tone and mannerism were polite and calm, I sensed there was something else about him. His thoughts did not give anything away. He was focused on me and me alone.
I nodded towards him before I responded, "I am here to see your masters."
The other one chuckled and it was not friendly in the least. Who does this kid think he is barging in here and asking to see Aro? He made to take a step towards me but was halted by the one who greeted me.
"I am Demetri and this is Felix." He gestured to him and I saw the scowl that he wore. "May I inquire as to you who are?"
"Cullen, Edward Cullen." I was hoping that one or both of these men knew of or heard of my father and his history with Aro. Otherwise I may have to resort to my other idea of attacking the guard. Either way, I was prepared to die tonight. I held my gaze on Demetri but I watched Felix out of the corner of my eye. I didn't trust him, he looked constantly on edge. Both of their thoughts gave away that they had heard of Carlisle and they both glanced to my eyes. I was not sure what color they would be as I did not remember the last time that I had eaten.
Demetri gestured to the castle behind him, "Follow us please. Aro would be most delighted to meet with you." He then spun on his heel and began walking across the courtyard and towards the castle. Felix walked behind me. We were a short distance from our destination when I realized what I was sensing from Demetri, he was a tracker and he was cataloging me. His ability was fair superior to James. He actually could sense the brainwave patterns and that is how he 'found' people. Once he captured that pattern, he would always be able to find whoever he was looking for. I wanted to tell him he needed not bother; I wasn't going to be around long enough for him to use it.
As we walked Felix was busy trying to figure out what I wanted. He had heard stories of Carlisle and wondered what the big deal was. I felt a momentary twinge of remorse that he was judging Carlisle by me and my actions. For a brief second I had doubts of what I should do. I did not want to ruin the name of Cullen by what I did. But then I remembered that Bella was dead and my resolve kicked in; I had no other choice. I could not continue to exist if she did not. It was just that simple.
The rest of the walk was silent, in that neither of them talked to me and I was grateful for that. I used the time to gather my thoughts. It was in that silence that I realized I had another purpose in keeping Aro's hands off me. It wasn't only because I did not want him to know of Bella, I didn't want him to know that my family knew of her as well. I knowingly broke the rules, my entire family did. But they did that for me and I owed it to them to try and keep them safe. I failed to keep Bella safe, I would keep my family safe, it was the least I could do for them.
We entered the compound through a side door that was not that obvious. Demetri opened the door and I walked in behind him. All around was the dark stone of the walls. Water slowly trickled down and I could smell the dankness of it all. The sounds of our shoes echoed and it was the only sound that the three of us made. The tunnel went for some time and then led to a wrought iron gate, the hinges made no noise letting me to know this was a common entry point. We filed through and Felix slammed the door behind us. The clanging of the door had an ominous sound, but since I was not planning on needing an exit I shook away the feeling. Minutes later we were standing in a carpeted area that had the look of a waiting room in a business office.
The carpet was thick and plush. The lightening was soft and there were several paintings scattered on the walls. There was a dark desk that sat a few feet away from a set of elevators. Demetri led us to them and pushed a button which opened one of them. I wanted to laugh when I heard the music in the elevator, it was very clichéd. Seconds later the doors opened to a wide hall with tiled floors. At the end of the hall was a set of dark paneled doors. The walls of the hall were lined with sculptures and frescoes. I was certain that each piece was an original.
Demetri paused before the doors, glancing once more at me. His thoughts were confused; he was trying to figure out what I could do here, especially given who I was. I glared back at him, not feeling the need to justify my reasons for being here. I did not need to satisfy his curiosity. With no other words spoken, he threw open the doors and gestured for me to enter in.
It was a light and airy room. The windows were situated high on the walls and the floors were pattered marble. The walls held mosaics of all kinds. There were several other vampires in the room. A small girl with pale brown hair and dirty red eyes glared from one side of the room. Close by her was a boy slightly taller than her and with hair that was a touch darker. Seeing them side by side you could tell they were related as humans.
Felix stayed close by me as Demetri strode over to another door across the room and exited. Just opposite of the door were three chairs, actually they looked more like thrones. They were made of wood and had a high back with intricate designed carved into them. The cushions were made of a red fabric that had silver woven throughout it. Since it was still late in the evening, there were several wall sconces that held light as well as recessed lighting throughout the room. The effect was made to look and feel calming, but it placed me on edge.
A few minutes later and Demetri returned through the same door and behind him came the ruling masters I had heard about. Aro led the group and fixed his stare on me the second he entered the room. Cullen, I wonder if he knows of Carlisle. It would be nice to hear how my old friend is doing and if he has continued on his most unusual diet. He calmly took the middle throne.
Caius was next and he had a scowl on his face and is thoughts were just as angry. He was partaking in a personal opera performance and did not like being disrupted. However he was just as curious about me as Aro was. He took the throne to Aro's left.
Marcus was the last to enter and if I didn't know his story, I would feel that he was bored. However, I knew that he had lost his mate a long time ago and that had nearly destroyed him. His thoughts were apathetic at best and he barely took notice of me. Carlisle often used Marcus' reaction to losing his mate to explain the way we were when we mated. Being separated from Bella for so many months and then the pure agony to know she was dead, I could emphasize with Marcus. I hoped that he would be my biggest ally and would help sway the others to grant my request. When he was finally seated on the last chair, all three of them finally looked at me.
Aro was the first to notice the color of my eyes and knew that I either knew Carlisle or was at least part of his coven. He was most eager to talk to me and he was even more excited by the idea of touching me and seeing everything for himself. It was the first time I cursed my eyes. For a fraction of a moment, I wished I had slipped, just so my eyes would not betray me. But just as soon as I thought that, I was repulsed and angered by it. There was no shame in my choice of diet and there was no shame in claiming to be a Cullen. I was proud of Carlisle and the life he tried to build and the way he conducted himself. I strove to make him proud and although I know I failed in that, I would not die feeling sorry for anything he tried to teach me.
I stood up straighter under their penetrating gaze. I would show no weakness. Knowing that Aro held most of the power, I focused on him and his thoughts. I am most curious as to why we have a visitor, especially one that subscribes to his way of living. I wonder how many others are out there that are like him. Does Carlisle have a purpose for gathering others?
I was surprised my Aro's line of thought and for a brief second, almost troubled by it. I brushed it aside, as there was nothing I could do about it. Instead I was more determined to make sure that Aro never touch my hand. I wanted to keep my entire family safe; it felt imperative that I do.
"Welcome to Volterra. I was told that you are Edward Cullen? Is this correct?" Aro's tone was polite, but it was the tenor of his thoughts that had me on edge. He wanted me to know of Carlisle, he was anxious for it.
"Yes, I am Edward Cullen." I said no more. Whatever he wanted to know he would have to come right out and ask it of me. I wasn't going to volunteer anything. He was on a strictly needs to know basis and all he needed to know was that I wanted to end my existence.
"Let me introduce my brothers to you." He gestured to his left, "This is Caius and this is Marcus." His other hand did a sweeping gesture to his right. "I know you have met Demetri and Felix, so let me also introduce Jane and Alec." He motioned towards the small girl and boy I had seen as I entered the room. Both nodded stiffly. I was surprised to see a sneer on Jane's face. When I honed in on her thoughts, it turned out she was worried I was here to ask for a place in the guard. "What can we do for you tonight? I must say it is most unusual for us to be sought out. Do you wish to become a member of our guard?"
I bit back a retort. Aro's thoughts were quite hungry for information. He hoped by being gracious and accommodating, he would get to know everything I knew about Carlisle. I was curious; could Aro be jealous of Carlisle? Again, I pushed aside the nagging thoughts, I needed to stay focus and level headed.
"Thank you for seeing me. I appreciate your kindness. I came to ask your help, a simple request if you will." I paused and took a deep cleansing breath. I wasn't hesitating, no, I knew this is what I wanted, but I need a moment to center myself. I knew whatever I said next would play a part in the decision if they will help. I needed to show them that this is what I wanted beyond a shadow of a doubt, this was destiny. "I wish for you or a member of your guard to destroy me." My word echoed in the room, they were clear and there was no mistaking the honesty in them as well. I kept my eyes on Aro, I would not let my gaze waver, and I would show that I mean what I say.
Aro's eyes widen in surprise and shock, he had never heard of such a request in all of his years. Even Marcus perked up briefly and gazed over at me. In my peripheral Caius' scowl grew more pronounced, his thoughts we more scathing. A vampire asking to die? That is absurd. His immortality is a gift, but then if he is one of Carlisle's maybe he has gone mad.
"Well my young visitor that is quite an unusual request. Let me ask you, who is your creator?" I had no idea why that mattered at this time, but it was a question that was bound to come up.
"Carlisle Cullen has been my creator, father and mentor for over eighty years." Let them all hear the pride and joy I take in claiming him as my creator. There was unmistakable pleasure in Aro's mind when he heard me confirm what he believed. He even clapped his hands.
"My dear Edward it pleases me that you are well acquainted with him." With that he rose from his chair and moved towards me, his hand outstretched. I knew what he was trying to do and I needed to deflect him. I shoved my hands in my pocket. Aro narrowed his eyes in suspicion. He appears unwilling to allow me to touch him. I wonder what he is hiding.
"Please, we should go and talk of my old friend." He continued his advancement towards me. I kept my hands in my pocket.
"If it is all the same, I'd rather get back to my request. I am aware of the time that Carlisle had spent here with you; he has told me many stories. I know that he enjoyed his time with you, even with your differencing philosophies." I took a step back, keeping a distance between us.
I was sure it did not escape his notice that I basically let him know that I was aware of his gift and that then confirmed that I was trying to avoid him using it on me. For every move I made, he made one to shadow me. I tried to not move before he did, but it was almost like instinct and Aro was noticing.
I wonder what he is hiding or maybe the question should be what is Carlisle hiding? I hated the idea that Aro felt Carlisle was hiding something from him, when it was me. But there was no way to deflect the attention back to me. Aro was set to discover what Carlisle has been up to and he knew to do that he needed to touch me.
Again, he tried to be diplomatic, "Come young one, and let us sit. You can catch me up with my friend and we can discuss your request." One of his arms was gesturing to another door while the other was trying to maneuver closer enough to touch me.
I was growing weary of the games. Each second that I remained in existence was one less second I had to be with Bella, or at least try and find my way back to her. That thought alone made me furious and therefore led me to be less than gracious to my hosts.
"If it all the same to you Aro, I would prefer we discuss my request. If you feel the need to check-up on Carlisle, than I suggest that you call him. I am sure he will be delighted to hear from you." I knew that I should regret my tone and my words, but I was beyond caring about anything other than ending this miserable excuse for a life. If I had to provoke someone in this room in to destroying me, I had no qualms about doing it.
Aro's eyes narrowed as I went off on my little rant. He was less than pleased with my tone and found me extremely petulant. Caius let out a low hiss at my callousness and moved forward as if he was ready to strike. It was then that I became aware of the shifting dynamics in the room. Felix had begun to move closer and I could feel Jane's eyes as they tracked my movement. The sudden feeling of being way outnumbered made itself apparent and there was nothing I could do. I felt cornered and threatened and in my heightened emotional state, I acted far too rashly.
Somehow, I was also perceived as a threat and as Aro stepped back, I heard Felix's thoughts and moved out of his way. I spun to face him but as I did my entire body erupted into pain. I screamed in agony as my body felt like it was being shredded and dipped in acid. I swore that the venom in my veins was boiling and I was being incinerated. My head pounded and throbbed and I realized I could not move. I felt Felix's grasp and then my hand being placed into Aro's. Once that happened, the pain stopped but Felix just tightened his grip.
Once the pain had vacated my brain, I felt Aro's intrusion and I was forced to watch as my entire life played out for him. In an instant he knew about my gift and that as he is pawing through my mind, I was listening in to every thought he has about it. I wanted to laugh, but the memories he was digging into in my brain were personal.
I watched my first years as a newborn with Carlisle and the struggles I had with my gift. He saw as Carlisle turned Esme and the fell in love with her. My rebellious years were laid bare and I wanted to vomit as I was forced to endure the pain and torment. I struggled uselessly then; I did not want to relive it. I barely made it out of there alive. Sadly, Aro's thoughts about that period in my life were rather blasé and no where nearly as repulsed as I was by it. He watched as Rosalie and then Emmett was drawn into our family.
He saw our moves and our attempts at blending in. He watched high school and college graduations and the closeness we shared as a family. When he got to the point where Alice and Jasper joined, he was instantly curious and a tad envious. He clamped down on those rather quickly when he realized I noticed. He watched as Alice's vision's played in my head and saw the influence of Jasper's gift. He was unable to hide the immense pleasure he took in seeing how their gifts work. Again, envy and jealousy snuck through his thoughts.
I stiffened when he got to Bella's first day of school and all that happened since that day. Part of me was happy to see these memories play out, allowing me another chance to be with her. But to have him witnessing them, it left me feeling violated. He watched all the tender kisses and caresses, all the times we spent in the meadow. All the night I stayed and watched her sleep. Each tender promise and vow we spoke echoed in my brain, reminding me of how I failed her.
I could not help the whimper of pain as I watched myself run towards the ballet studio only to find Bella's bleeding and broken body. He felt the pull of the monster as I sucked out the venom and saved her life. I tried to stop the images associated with her birthday. No….no... Stop... I don't want to see that again. Just please stop.
I knew I was begging but I didn't care, I could not stand to watch as I threw her across the room or listen to Jasper's snarls as furiously tried to kill her. But Aro was not willing to grant me mercy and I was forced to watch it unfold again. My head shook from side to side and I could not help the sobs that wracked my body. It was painful to experience it the first time, but now it was downright devastating. So I did the only thing I could to help me cope.
I am so sorry, Bella. I never meant to hurt you. I love you. So very sorry, my love.
Over and over that was my mantra. I needed something to anchor me, to keep me grounded. I feared that if I became overwhelmed with emotion I would succumb to the darkness and I did not want to do that now. My sobs grew in intensity as he watched me break her heart. After my little revelation earlier I could see how she took my words. I watched as my lies erased every declaration of love and devotion in one swoop. I watched as hurt and resignation and despair played across her face. I truly broke my Bella.
He watched as the obsession of searching for Victoria consumed me and witnessed as I slowly gave into my despair in losing Bella. Once again, every painful moment of being without her was paraded in my mind. I observed as I went crazy and the way my family saved me, to the times I tried to play the hero and my final epiphany only a few short hours ago.
However, I would have gladly let him keep all that on a permanent repeat if it meant I never had to relive the call from Rosalie and hear those words again. I tried to pull myself into some deep dark place in the hopes that I could distance myself from that memory. But there was no place to run or hide, my every last painful thought and emotion was wrenched from me. By the end of it, I was spent and I found myself on the floor as both Aro and Felix released me.
"It seems here as if Mr. Cullen has been holding out on us. Not only is he gifted, but it seems he has fallen in love with a human and that human has died. Now he is requesting that we end his life." There was no mistaking the glee in Aro's words. The smile on his face was not meant to be charming or even happy, it was conniving and spiteful.
"What do you mean?" Caius was immediately suspicious. I pulled myself off the floor and glared at Aro.
"Carlisle found himself a mind reader, my dear brothers. However, unlike me, he does not need touch. You're reading us now aren't you, Edward?"
I was, but my focus was on Marcus. He reacted when Aro told them about Bella and he was remembering his mate that had died. If there was ever a chance that my request was to be granted, it had to be now. Like I said before, I was no opposed to begging.
"Marcus, you understand why I am asking to die. She was my mate as well. Help them understand. Aro has seen the pain I have been in since I left and how useless I have been." I turned to them all, "Please just help me die."
I turned once again towards Marcus; he was my last saving grace. If there was anyone who could understand my pain and the hell I was going through, it would be him. Through his eyes I saw the pleading look I was giving him. His thoughts were one of compassion and empathy, he at one time wanted to die after the death of his mate. Now, after all these years, he was barely functioning. I didn't want to turn out like him.
Turning towards Aro and Caius, I sent out a wordless plea. Both regarded me quietly. Caius was the less guarded of the two. His thoughts were one of disgust and contempt. He did not understand how a vampire could fall in love with a human; in fact he still had trouble with the idea of us not feeding on them. To him that made me and my family weak and not worthy of the vampire label. Aro was cautious and guarding his thoughts quite well. An eerie feeling crept up my spine and I felt uneasy in his presence.
"We need time to deliberate your request. We shall escort you to a room while you await our decision. Felix and Alec will escort you." He motioned to them and in a flash they were upon me. I tried to maneuver out of Felix's grasp, but I suddenly found myself without my sight. I stumbled and Felix caught me again. The feeling of foreboding became stronger as I walked out the chamber doors. Slowly my sight came back to me and by the time we had walked across the castle to another smaller room, it was completely back. Felix threw me in the room and Alec walked in after me.
When the door was shut, Alec turned towards me, "You should get comfortable, we may be awhile."
"Why? It shouldn't take long for them to decide. Why are you here?" I caught his thoughts a second too late.
"I am here to keep you from hearing what you shouldn't" With that said, everything went black.
A/N: *peeks out* Sorry about the cliifie.. but remember there WILL be an update next wek.. I PROMISE! So.. please leave me some love? PLEASE! I give teasers to everyone one that gives me a signed review!