A/N: Another week.. and another update! Everyone is very happy we are at this point in the story.. I hope I will do it justice! I am trying real hard to update once a week until the story is finished... and if we don't count this one... we have 3 chapters to go. So, if you know where we are in the story.. you should realize that I have added an extra chapter. So between the last chapter of the book and the epilogue, I will add my own extra chapter... YEA!
Thanks for all the wonderful reviews.. I read and respond to them all...infact I get bummed when they are not signed or allow me to respond! Please enjoy!
I don't own Twilight.. if I did..well.. I would finish Midnight Sun!
Reconciliation
I was back at the place that I once called my sanctuary, I finally felt whole. There was a peace in me that had eluded me for all these months. I had forgotten the calmness that just being in her presence could bring to me. I breathed deeply, letting her scent wash over me, reveling in the fact that I barely felt the burn. It amazed me that it no longer affected me like it once did. There was no constant desire for her blood that I needed to contain. There was no excess of venom that flowed at the smell of her intoxicating scent. That's not to say that her scent was any less appealing to me. No, it still held me captive, but now I could appreciate it for what it signified; she was alive and well.
Since I crawled through her window, I had been unable to take my eyes off her. What I saw thrilled and troubled me. Even though I spent the entire plane ride looking at her, I never really looked at her. I was too busy freaking out in my mind to fully comprehend the sight before me.
I was shocked to see how very thin she had gotten. What I had thought was a few pounds now looked closer to ten, maybe even fifteen. There were deep circles under her eyes that spoke of many sleepless nights, not just one or two. Her skin was paler, to the point of looking sallow and unhealthy. Her whole demeanor looked frail and defeated. She was different. All I could think was that I had done that to her.
I knew it to be true because I saw some of what had happened through Charlie's thoughts as I waited in the tree outside. I also knew he was censoring his memories. Not for my benefit, but for his. Whenever he would get to something he felt was painful, he would force himself to think of something else. That was the first realization I had that my actions affected someone outside of Bella and my family. I had a lot to make up for, and none of it was going to be easy.
But all of that was a mute point if the angel lying beside me didn't want me anymore. That was why I was so happy to be where I was for the time being. While she slept I could hold her, kiss her, and tell her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. I could marvel at the miracle that she was alive, something that astounded me to this very second. While I understand how everything came to pass, I still was bewildered by it all. It was one mistake and misunderstanding after another. Now that I was far removed for it, I could almost see it as comical…almost.
So, once again, I found myself contemplating my life and more importantly, me being in Bella's life. I knew without a doubt that we could never be apart. I am a man that learned from my mistakes and I know beyond a shadow of any doubt, my leaving her was a colossal failure. So, now I wondered where we would go from here.
I ran through my options, there were only four that I saw. I had tried two of them, and they had failed. The other was no longer an option I wanted to entertain because Bella loved me and I no longer wished that she didn't. So as I saw it now, I had one choice; stay in Bella's life. It was simple and honest and I loved the sound of it. Of course that all hinged on her taking me back. That lone thought put a pang of fear in my chest. The conviction and faith I had on the plane now rested on a crumbling foundation and only Bella could make it strong again.
But…what if she didn't want me back? I closed my eyes against the sudden and intense pain that thought could bring. I could feel the ghost of the hole-ridden self I was the all those long months begin to reemerge. I curled myself closer around her, needing to feel her warmth, to ground me in the here and now. I knew I needed to be prepared for the possibility that she had moved on or didn't want me anymore. Taking deep calming breaths, I considered what I would do. I blocked the agony and concentrated solely what I would do if she turned me away.
It was hard to fight against the pain, it wanted to pull me under, drown me in the sensations of loss. A whisper of pain escaped my lips and I gazed at Bella. What would I do without her? I would be lost, adrift; I would be a shell of a person. But deep down, if she no longer loved me, if she ordered me away from her life, I would go. If it would make her happy, I would go. It would kill me inside, but I would do anything for her, anything. I would leave her life, but hang in the fringes of it. She would never see me, but I could make sure she was happy and safe.
Knowing what I would do in that circumstance, I quickly retreated to happier thoughts. I refused to waste one single moment in her presence on negative thoughts. When she woke, I would do whatever I could to convince her of my regret and love. Being with her was the only option I was going to entertain.
My musings were interrupted by a whimper from Bella. She began to thrash around, her face puckered in fear. I heard her mumble, but I was unable to make out any words. I stroked her cheek, smoothing her hair from her face.
"You're alright, love. You're safe." I continued to hold her, trying in any way to get her to relax and go back to sleep. A few minutes later, the tension in her body abated and she once again fell into a peaceful slumber. I worried that the trauma from Italy would leave her with nightmares and I was saddened to see I was right. It was yet another consequence of my actions. Briefly, I worried that all the damage was irrevocable. The fallout seemed far reaching and immense. It may take me a life time to repair it all.
Which leads me to the next sticky subject I am in no rush to figure out. If Bella takes me back, what would I say if she asks me to change her? Knowing Bella, she will bring the subject up; it was the condition of our escape from Volterra. And, even with my epiphany from days ago, it was hard to let go of her humanity. Now that we had a second chance at it, I was finding it harder to let go. Acknowledging that I had the desire for her as an immortal was a far cry from acting upon it. I did not want her to sacrifice anything for me. Allowing her to be changed just seemed to be the ultimate selfish act and I could not shake that feeling.
Deciding that getting worked over all these issues before making things better with Bella was a bit premature, I banished everything away. I then spent the next few hours in blissful silence, just watching her sleep. Several times she cried out and thrashed around. A few times I heard her cry out for me, other times she pleaded with me to stay. Those were the hardest times. I simply held her and reassured her that I was never going to leave her.
Slowly the sun set and the stars came out and I continued to watch her sleep. I had missed doing this for months and I felt like I had so much to catch up on. She continued to mumble periodically, she called out for me and once again begged me not to leave. Each cry and whimper tore at my heart and I did all I could to reassure her that I was here to stay. Charlie had checked on her once late at night. Through a gap in the closet door, I watched as he tenderly stroked her check. But it was his thoughts that almost wrenched a sob from me. The sheer panic he felt when he came home and found her gone, the hours that went by as he received not one word from Bella. He replayed all the screams he had heard from her in the middle of the night over the past few months. He showed me the dead eyes and unresponsiveness that greeted him each time he came home. Each image was forever burned into my memories and all I wanted to do was bleach them away.
To see the result of the worst decision in my life was almost more than I could take, but I would. It was one of the million different ways I would need to serve my penance. I would have to earn the trust and love of so many people, if I could even get them back. But I would do anything, say what I needed to say, suffer whatever punishment that was meted out. It was the least I could do. I also vowed to speak to each member of my family and issue them an apology. I had hurt each one of them and I owed it to them.
A few hours later, Bella began to move around. Her breathing sped up and her body uncurled. I stayed by her side, hoping that she was finally going to wake. I was anxious to talk to her and start rebuilding a new relationship. Her eyes moved behind closed eyelids and her face displayed confusion and apprehension. Not understanding what she was thinking, I patiently laid by her side, waiting for her to open her eyes.
Inhaling deeply she shifted slightly towards me, sensing that she was about to wake, I gave her a soft kiss on her forehead. I tried not to chuckle as she squeezed tight her already closed eyes. With a sigh that was bordering on resignation her flew open and gazed at me momentarily before she threw her fists to her eyes.
"Oh!"
Puzzled I said nothing, trying to figure out what was going through her mind, and not really understanding her reaction to seeing me. Perhaps she would go back to sleep. It was not unheard of people to have brief moments of lucidity while fast asleep. Seconds past and then she opened her eyes. Soft pools of warm chocolate looked at me and I paused. How I missed just looking into them.
"Did I frighten you?" That seemed a simple question to ask her.
I watched as her eyes traveled all over my face; my eyes, my nose, my lips. It was like she was cataloguing everything, trying to become familiar with something she had lost. Her brow furrowed in determined concentration, her eyes blinking rapidly. Her silence was concerning, I tried not to overreact, but my mind had runaway with all the possible horrible scenarios that could play out.
"Oh, crap." Her voice was thick with sleep, but it had never seemed more melodious.
"What's wrong, Bella?" She was not reacting normally and it was beyond frustrating.
Her lips turned into a grimace, "I'm dead, right? I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie." There was the Bella I knew, always thinking of others before herself. I tried not to laugh at her thinking that she had died. But then, maybe the stress was too much and her mind had finally snapped. It would be an understandable reaction.
"You're not dead." I wanted to remind her that if she was dead, I would be as well- but I kept silent.
"Then why am I not waking up?" she questioned, looking at me to explain it all. Where do I begin?
"You are awake, Bella." That seemed to be the best place to start. She needed to know she wasn't dead or dreaming in order for us to have any type of conversation.
Of course, Bella was not going to believe me that easily. "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake…" her voice trailed off and she looked so scared and lost. Part of me realized that I was not among those she listed that may miss her if she was dead. I tried to let it go, but it lingered.
"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." I tried not showing how her words affected me. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"
She scowled at me, "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me." Her tone was so matter-of-fact, that it stunned me. Even after all I did to her; she still felt I deserved heaven. I could not stop the sigh that escaped. I watched as her eyes flickered all around. I could tell that she was beginning to wake and that she was piecing together the events from the last few days. I could pinpoint when she realized that maybe she was awake.
"Did all of that really happen, then?" I could see that she was struggling, trying to sort out fact from fiction. The sad reality was that everything that has happen was very real. How I wished that it was nothing more than a horrible nightmare. Then we could both wake up and everything would be back to normal. But that was nothing more than a fanciful dream, one that could never come true.
"That depends. If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes." I did not want to rehash our experience there; it was still too fresh in my mind.
"How strange," she responded as if I had never spoken. "I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?" I rolled my eyes, she was making no sense.
"Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."
"I'm not tired anymore." She was being honest. Her eyes were brighter, more alert. She glanced at her window and the dark night. "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"
"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."
Slowly she stretched, trying to shake off the last remnants of sleep. "Charlie?"
I could not help but frown, I should tell her that he banned me from the house. "Sleeping. You should probably know that I am breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But, still, the intent was clear." I was prepared for her to agree with him. I expected it. One of these days I should learn she never does what I think she will.
"Charlie banned you from the house?" My heart wanted to celebrate her anger of his actions, but I pushed it down, knowing it wasn't going to be that easy.
"Did you expect anything else?" I whispered. In amazement, I watched as her eyes flared from anger, to indignation and lastly resolution. I understood none of those emotions, they seemed out of place.
"What's the story?" Her complete switch in topic threw me.
"What do you mean?" I wasn't completely sure I knew what story she was referencing.
"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for…how long was I gone, anyway?"
Why was she asking for a cover story? Did my leaving cause her to drastically change? She did not seem to be the same Bella. But I loved her just the same.
"Just three days. Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing." Honestly, I thought that was the least of our worries, but again, I was a bit biased.
Groaning, she muttered, "Fabulous."
"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something." I smiled at her, telling her that we could figure it out, together. A heavy silence surrounded us. I could see the fear and trepidation in her eyes. I wanted to wrap her up and hold her till she could feel my love.
Her eyes suddenly turned down and she picked at her blanket, making her discomfort obvious.
"So, what have you been doing, up until three days ago?" She tried being nonchalant when she spoke, but I could tell there was something more going on. There was an air of nervousness to her; she was so very hesitant around me. I expected something far more extreme in her reactions; yelling, screaming, crying. But this almost too calm, it was scary.
Shouldn't she be demanding that we talk about September? Should she be this calm, this detached? Had I really done so much damage that she was no long willing to feel? The Bella in front of me was so vastly different from the one that I left.
Just as troubling was how did I answer her? Did she really want to know what I was doing or was she trying to get another response out of me? I was torn how to answer. But I knew I didn't want to start out our reunion with lies. Lies were what brought us to where we are now and it did us no good.
"Nothing terribly exciting." I knew the answer was vague, but until I had a better understanding of what was going on, it seemed the best course of action.
"Of course not," she mumbled. She frowned and looked so lost.
"Why are you making that face?"
She took a few seconds to gather her thoughts, "Well…If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kinds of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."
What is it with her thinking that she was dreaming? I just didn't understand. The sigh escaped before I could swallow it down. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?" I was beyond perplexed by her demeanor. This was not how I pictured our reunion. Everything felt wrong.
"Nightmare!" I looked at her and waited for her to continue. "Maybe, if you tell me."
Being at a loss on how to answer, I went for something simple. "I was…hunting."
"Is that the best you can do?" Her tone was scathing. "That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."
Of course, Bella wasn't going to accept my minimal answer. She always had the ability to see right to the heart of the matter. But I was unsure how to answer her. Why would she care what I was doing? Once again I wondered where the tears and the anger were. I tried again to simplify my response.
"I wasn't hunting for food…I was actually trying my hand at…tracking. I'm not very good at it." I watched her, trying to figure out what she was asking of me- what it was she wantied from me.
"What were you tracking?" She looked curious, but that was to be expected, this was Bella after all.
"Nothing of consequence." This wasn't going the way I imagined. It felt all wrong. This wasn't the important things we need to discuss. Was she afraid? Where were the questions I expected to answer? Deep inside I felt an ache, a throbbing of pain. It was something I was familiar with; guilt, pain, doubt.
"I don't understand." Of course she didn't, we were going about this all wrong. I tried to find a way to save this, to save us, but there was so much she needed to understand, so much I had to say.
"I-"How did I even begin? Was there even a hope for her to understand? I was afraid that the answer was no, because I couldn't comprehend it all myself. Looking at her, I knew it all had to come out. I took a deep breath and began.
"I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea." Once I began speaking I could not stop the flow of words, they flew out in a rapid pace and I hoped that she could comprehend them all.
"I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria"- I was unable to contain the snarl that rumbled deep in my chest. To know she was after my angel, it was unfathomable- "would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now- she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her over confidence that clouded her feelings about him- that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there."
It was sad that my confession expounded just one more way that I had failed her. I needed to get it all out there, I needed to purge my heart of all my failings, and I needed to express the depths of my guilt and pain.
"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice- what she saw herself- when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself-" I tried to hide my revulsion, my self-loathing but I was unsuccessful, the shudder rippled throughout my entire body. I needed to make her see how sorry I was.
"Please know that I had no idea of any of this, I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for-"
"Stop." It was quiet but commanding. I froze. Here was the reaction I had been expecting. Sudden fear and anxiety gripped me. I knew we would have to hash this out, but I was terrified of the end result. I could not survive losing her another time, I was certain of that.
I watched as she struggled to find the right words, and for the first time I saw emotion. It was fast and fleeting but it was there- pain; raw and undiluted pain. It cut me to the core. But before I could comment on it, it was gone. In its place was a mask of utter coolness and emptiness. It was a frightening transformation.
"Edward." Her voice broke, it was tiny, but I heard it. It cut me, made me feel more wretched than I already felt. "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this…this guilt… rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know it's your…your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! Its very irresponsible- think of Esme and Carlisle and-"
She was getting more and more worked up as she spoke; her eyes were wide and almost frantic. She was desperate- almost like she wanted to let me go. But she had it all wrong, did she not remember?
"Isabella Marie Swan." Her name rolled off my lips like a caress. It felt good, it felt right. "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"
The confusion on her face would have been adorable if I wasn't a bit perturbed that she had it all backwards.
"Didn't you?"
"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend." Guilt was written all over me, it wove through my thoughts and it placed its stamp on all my actions.
"Then…what are you saying? I don't understand." I could see that she was telling me the truth. She had forgotten what I told her all those months ago. Her words were beginning to make sense to me.
"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead." I stared at her, intently, wanting her to see the depths of my love for her. She needed to see that I could not live without her. "Even if I'd had no hand in your death"- I couldn't repress the tremor that coursed through me- "even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful- I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?" Now, when we were safe, I could see how things conspired to stack against us.
"The odds…The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again." I felt a greater understanding for the tragic romance that Bella loved. I could see us now, through that lens and I would try my hardest to keep us from ending in tragedy.
"But I still don't understand. That's my whole point. So what?"
"Excuse me?" Was she serious, was she not listening to what I was saying?
"So what if I was dead?"
I could only look at her. Part of me was crushed that either she did not remember what I told her or she did not believe me.
"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"
"I remember everything that you told me." Now it made sense, she was still thinking about all that I said on that horrible day. I needed to set her straight, I needed to explain everything to her.
I couldn't help but place my finger on her lips to keep her silent. Her warm breath bathed my finger and I held back a sigh of relief. She was so perfect.
"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I could not help but smile at her. I felt a small bubble of joy and contentment sprout deep inside my heart. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist." There, I reminded her.
"I am…confused." We looked at each other, trying to figure each other out. I could see her confusion. It wasn't that she didn't remember it was she was focused on the last things I told her. She believed the lie, she still did. Even with me by her side, after all we went through in Italy, she believed the lies.
"I'm a good liar Bella. I have to be."
Her response was instantaneous. She froze. Everything about her froze, she was completely locked down. Even her breathing ceased. To me, it all became clear. To her, all that was pertinent were the last things I told her. Those were the truths that she believed. It was so painfully obvious and it was time for me to come clean.
Gently shaking her, hoping she would relax and listen to what I have longed to tell her.
"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly." I could not contain my grimace of pain. Her acceptance of my deception still hurt. "That was…excruciating."
She was still frozen. Could she see the truth- that I had lied so horribly to her?
"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye-"my words were whispers, echoes of the pain of that day. I knew we were both back there, in our minds, reliving it.
"You weren't going to let go. I could see that. I didn't want to do it- it felt like it would kill me to do it- but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you." The pain was muted, but present.
"A clean break," she whispered gently.
"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible- that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry- sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry."
It felt good to finally tell her, to express my regret and pain and for her to see how utterly wrong I was.
"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?" That was the question I had pondered all these months. It tormented me, made me insane with my own fears and doubts.
I saw the shock in her eyes; she was still trying to figure it all out. So I pressed on.
"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept- as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!"
Still I could see the uncertainty, the denial of my words. It was so easy to break that trust and now I feared I would never get it back. I shook her again, she had been too still. I needed her to really hear what I have been saying.
"Bella, really, what were you thinking!"
As suddenly as she had frozen, she began to sob. Tears sprung from her eyes and tracked down her cheeks.
"I knew it. I knew I was dreaming."
"You're impossible," and a short frustrated laugh escaped. It was time that I let her know how I really felt. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."
Her head began to shake before I had even finished speaking. It was maddening.
"You don't believe me, do you?" I could only whisper the question, I was so fearful of the answer. "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"
"It never made sense for you to love me," came her honest answer and it blew me away. She still had it so wrong, I was the undeserving one. I needed to make her see.
"I'll prove you're awake." I took her face in my hands and cradled it gently but securely. I watched as she tried to get away, but I refused to let her hide from the truth any longer. Ever so slowly I inched my way closer to her.
"Please don't," was her whispered plea. My lips were scant inches from hers.
"Why not?" I wanted her to explain, to give me a reason why I couldn't close the gap between us.
"When I wake up"- I began to protest and she hastily corrected herself- "okay, forget that one- when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too." Her fear of me leaving cut me deep, but I knew I would spend the rest of my existence reassuring her just how much I love her. But now, things were making more sense.
"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so…hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved one, as I meant for you to? That would be…quiet fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please- just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?"
I felt awful for putting her on the stop, but I couldn't help myself. I needed to know if she was still mine or was she forever lost to me.
"What kind of an idiotic question is that?"
"Just answer it. Please." I was not ashamed to beg, if that was what I took.
She glared at me and I saw the beginning of a fire, it flickered and I vowed to do all I could till it was brilliant flame, burning brightly.
"The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you- and there's nothing you can do about it!"
My heart soared, "That's all I needed to hear."
Without warning I crashed my lips to hers- it was an exquisite feeling, one I had missed. Oh how I missed this! She was warm and everywhere around me I felt it. Her body molded perfectly to mine, I felt its yielding softness along all my body. Our hands reached and began their explorations. Once again I traced the curve of her cheek, then to her jaw and along her forehead. I felt her scorching fingertips as she mesmerized my face once again. In her wake, my face was lit with tiny pinpricks of heat. In between our kisses, I chanted her name, relishing in the way it felt as it fell from my lips. It was not lost on me that the pain and aches I had been feeling were gone. They replaced with joy, happiness and love. I was where I belonged; I had found my way back home.
Bella pulled away, I was sure it was because she was getting light headed, so instead we laid together, my head over her heart. It was pounding out a furious rhythm and it was in time with the pants from her lungs. Knowing that after all this time, I could still affect her and that she still loved me- I was ecstatic. My wildest imaginings had been surpassed.
"By the way, I'm not leaving you." She needed to hear that, she deserved to know that I was to remain with her- always. I was greeted with silence. She was still skeptical. I would have no more of her doubts; she will see the truthfulness in my words.
Looking at her I continued to explain, "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you. I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a change at a normal, happy human life. I could see what I was doing to you- keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you." I paused. She had to understand, I was desperate for it.
"So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important that what I wanted…what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay- thank heavens for that! It seems you can't be safe. No matter how many miles I put between us." Now let her even think about doubting me again.
"Don't promise me anything." Her voice was so soft and almost helpless sounding. She was resigned, still to the idea that I would leave.
Anger hardened my eyes. Why was she being so infuriating about this? Why was she still clinging to the lies, even after I told her that I love her?
"You think I'm lying to you now?"
"No- not lying." She was shaking her head and I could see the look of concentration in her eyes. She was choosing her words carefully. "You could mean it…now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"
The flinched was automatic at that visual; it dragged forth such painful memories. I watched as she looked off, still thinking, trying to find the words that would explain her hesitancy towards me.
"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right." Her words hinted at the underlying pain, she was used to me making decisions without her. She expected me to do so now. She was not aware of the transformation I undergone. She could not see that my every action was in her hands.
"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time- and not much of it- before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."
Her grimace was adorable, "Be serious, please."
Her refusal to listen to what I was saying was exasperating. "Oh, I am. Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" I paused, looking for a sign that she was really going to hear me out. I needed her undivided attention, but more importantly, I needed to have her heart open to me.
"Before you, Bella, my life was life a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason. …And then you shoot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there were brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
"Your eyes will adjust," she mumbled, still unconvinced.
"That's the problem- they can't."
"What about your distractions?"
Wow! She really believed every lie I told her. I could not help the chuckle that escaped. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the…the agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone- like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."
"That's funny." Did I hear her right?
"Funny?" I couldn't wait to see what she would say next.
"I meant strange- I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." As to prove her point, she took a deep luxurious breath. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."
Maybe she finally understood. I closed my eyes and placed my head on her heart, welcoming its melody, listening to the familiar cadence. My heart jolted when she pressed her ace into my hair, it was the first contact she initiated.
"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?"
Of course we were back to this, she never forgot anything. "No. That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with… Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then followed a false lead down to Brazil- and really she came here." I groaned in frustration, another failure. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worst than my worst fears-"
"You were hunting Victoria?" Her voice shrieked as quiet as she could. We both listened for Charlie. When his snores could be heard, she looked at me.
"Not well," not understanding why she was upset. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."
"That is…out of the question." Her voice was strangled, like she had trouble getting the words out.
"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after-"
"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" She was trying to be calm, but I saw the wild panic in her eyes. "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"
I frowned, she had to understand; Victoria had to die. The snarl rumbled deep at the thought of her still alive and wanting Bella. "I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria is going to die. Soon" The snarl was louder by now.
"Let's not be hasty. Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."
Finally something we could agree upon, "It's true. The werewolves are a problem." I still had a hard time believing that she was hanging around them. Only my Bella would do such a thing.
She let out a very uncharacteristic snort. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."
I wanted to argue the point about the wolves, but I knew this was not the time or the place. With me back and able to see to her safety, they would become a mute point. But I was still angered by how she dismissed my concerns.
"Really? Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?" I was sure her answer would be enlightening.
"How about the second greatest?" It didn't escape my notice that she failed to answer my question; I filed that away to ask her later.
"All right."
"There are others who are coming to look for me." She was whispering again. The fear of the Volturi was clearly evident. Of course, she would be hyper focused on the ultimatum that got us out of Italy. But this threat was easier to manage than Victoria
"The Volturi are only the second greatest?"
"You don't seem that upset about it." Of course not.
"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again." We had time before our hand would be pressed and even then, things could be figured out.
I watched as pain and terror swam in her eyes. Her body went still and she started a faint trembling.
"You don't have to be afraid. I won't let them hurt you." Her eyes quickly filled with tears and I was at a loss on how to comfort her. She was in no danger from the Volturi, I would make sure of it.
"While you're here." Why are we back to this? I grasped her face in my hands, holding her tightly so she could see the truth of my words; she could see the conviction that was in my eyes.
"I will never leave you again."
"But you said thirty. What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right." A few stray tears fell and it was heart wrenching. But I wasn't surprise that we landed here, I was waiting for it. I had hoped it wouldn't have happened this soon, but I could deal with it.
Even though I admitted to myself what I wanted, I still had issues about her soul. That was something I could not let go, not yet, or perhaps ever.
"That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul." Why was she unable to see how this pained me? As much as I wanted her with me- for eternity- I could not take away her soul. That was a line I was unable to cross.
"Is this really…" she looked deep in thought, but I pressed her to continue.
"Yes?"
"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?" I read the revulsion in her eyes. But she had to know how I would always see her.
I softly wiped away the tears that had fallen, "That doesn't mean anything to me. You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course…" I stopped, knowing I should say the words, but dreading them as well. "If you outgrew me- if you wanted something more- I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."
Could she see the torment in my eyes that saying those words caused me? Did she hear the longing in my voice? I would walk away, if she desired me to. But I would always watch over her, keep her safe, to protect her.
"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?
"I'll follow after as soon as I can." To me it was that simple.
"That is seriously…sick."
"Bella, it's the only right way left-"
"Let's just back up for a minute." The sadness in her eyes was replaced with anger. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm thirty. Do you really think they'll forget?" She was seething by now. Did she really think that I wouldn't do what I needed to keep her safe?
"No, they won't forget. But…"
"But?"
I couldn't help but smile at her; she looked so adorable in her fury. "I have a few plans."
"And these plans…these plans all center around me staying human."
Like I would have it any other way."Naturally." We glared at each other. Neither wanting to move and acquiesce our points. We were at a stalemate.
Seconds later, her back straightened and she made to push me away from her. I wanted to panic, but I swallowed it down.
"Do you want me to leave?" I prayed she did not hear the pain that twisted around that question.
"No, I'm leaving." I watched as she stumbled around in the darkness of her room. She was looking for her shoes, I was sure of it. But why did she want to leave, where would she go?
"May I ask where you are going?" If I knew that, maybe I could delay her.
She never broke off her search to answer me, "I'm going to your house."
Not wanting her to hurt herself, I gave her the shoes she was looking for. "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?"
"My truck," she answered matter of fact.
"That will probably wake Charlie." I was still perplexed as to why she needed to go to my house. I would take her there in the morning if she wanted. My family had no bearing on the conversation we were having.
She sighed, "I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"
"None. He'll blame me." This I had no doubt on. I would have to work hard to gain his trust back.
"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."
"Stay here." I knew what she would say even as I said it.
"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home." She made for the door and I flashed there, blocking her way. She frowned and without another word, walked to the window. I swallowed the groan. Why was she so determined to get out of here?
"Okay, I'll give you a ride." If only to make sure she got there in one piece.
She shrugged, not really looking excited about my offer. "Either way. But you probably should be there, too."
"And why is that?"
"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."
"My views on what subject?" I was beyond infuriated at this point, she was making no sense.
"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then you family ought to have a say."
"A say in what?" Each word was sharp and short. Realization was creeping and it made me nauseous.
"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."
What?
A/N: Ok.. so tell me what you think.. please... reviews make me happy so.. flood my inbox with happiness... please! As always, I will respond and send a mini teaser to all who review!