Broken news (because 'major' news stations have already covered this story, damn them)! Hermione Granger, former Playmate and current member of the Golden Ménage à Trois, has just been caught in a massive drug sting! If this wasn't shocking enough to the loyal fans of the unsung egghead of Harry's Gang, the sting was spear-headed by none other than Lord Voldemort! We, as Ms Granger's most feverent stalke- admirers, were stunned, and had to get to the bottom of this, regardless of the fact that many others before us had tried and succeeded (damn them all…). Being as glorious and mouth-wateringly sex-a-licious as we are, we procured another interview with Voldemort (or 'Trouser Snake', as he was soon dubbed). This also provided our newest reporter, part-time stripper Bambi Turburble, with an opportunity to shine in a non-sexual way.

Turburble: Trouser Snake, you're known all over the world as, like, That Really Evil Guy That Looks Like A Snake; why would you risk that reputation on such, like, an un-sex-a-licious scandal? O:

Voldemort: Well, Bambi, if you ever call me Trouser Snake again, I'll stab you in your STD-infected groin. On a more serious note, I've always thought that taking a strong stand against drugs was important. You know those 'D.R.U.G ' pencils? I totally invented them. *nods*

Turburble: But Trouser Snake, drugs are, liiiiiiiiike… drugs! :D

Voldemort: I swear, one more time… I actually have very strong family values. The notion of a traditional family is being pwnz00rd by so many influences, none stronger than drugs. You know, I used to take drugs myself. I know everyone thinks I look like this because of 'evilness' or 'natural sexitude', but it's actually because of the coke-flavoured meth I took back in the day. And by 'the day', I mean up until month ago; I got my drugs from Hermione. But one day, I got some bad weed brownies. I had to get revenge.

Turburble: … so you don't really have family values? You've lied to us all, Trouser Snake! D:

Voldemort: Okay, that's it. AVADA KEDAVRA!

*Turburble's corpse falls to the floor*

Voldemort: That's right, bitch. No-one fucks with the V-Dawg. Word. *swings pimp chain*

Fortunately, we were able to retrieve the black box recorder from Ms Turburble's remains, so her sacrifice was not in vain.

And for the readers hoping for a look into Hermione's fragile psyche, don't worry! An attempt is being made by Cecilia Sanders, one of the few reporters to not quit after an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW! ™, to break into the jail where Hermione is being held.

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A/N: So we've finally updated. Hooray for motivation! :D (And we're serious about the interview with jailed!druggie!Hermione, too.)