Sakura, your friendly neighborhood shipping plot-device!
AN: The new polling result called for a dedicated chapter.
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Sakura stans holler about Incels reducing her down to a mere pussy, but they're the other side of this dreadful coin. Fitting the moniker like a neat glove. Funny thing is, the version of Sakura they happen to like is a far-cry from canon; in fact, it showcases no semblance of her canon characterization and is custom-tailored to fit in with their horrifically blatant self-inserting shipping preferences:
1) The Sakura that gets penetrated by Kakashi has the idea of a "mature and womanly Sakura" behind it; someone who's wise beyond her years, enough to see the man in Kakashi and the boy in Sasuke (it's very popular with the lonely soccer moms with scant sex-lives, so they're hoping to get their groove on with this "revolutionary" self-inserting method that's more rotten than the prostate of a retired Shinobi from the first Great Shinobi War, which Sakura was assigned to examine); her journey is the journey of romance maturity, from girlhood to womanhood, basically, with some comical doctor plot on the side; and Kakashi's cawk is the metaphor for that ripening. Five claps for this deeeeeeep ship!
2) If they climb one step down from the mature-est totem pole, Uchiha Itachi is their numero uno dick bit, who's, in their hearts and minds, and in spite of his disease, the holder of the greatest Uchiha cawk the Shadow Villages have ever seen. It just shrunk away with the disease; so this Sakura just waltzes over there and fixes that limp wee-spilling thing in a jiffy, and it's dick-nirvana, afterwards. The whole plot is basically dicking following the fixing. Another very cheap doctor-doctor plot. That's what your parents warned you about.
3) One step lower is the man's man Uchiha Madara. Now, he's a wee bit aggressive for their sensible tastes (he just shoved a rod up there without her consent, and on the battlefield, too; by God, the nerve!). So what they do is that, either she plays doctor-doctor with Izuna and Madara just pulls his very manly tented up jorts down for her and rizzes up a storm in her cunt; or she heals the whole clan like a discount final fantasy healer, and he drops his jorts, brother, and his mission to get even with the Senju. Basically, just the whole warring plot is dropped because ... well, pussy. You see, how canon Sakura is totally not reduced to just a pussy in these pairings? Me neither. (Sometimes, the Obito ship is not-so-tacity snuck in there, and Obito just drops Rin on the head and she tumbles down and breaks her crown and Sakura has a free slot now, ya know? I mean, where else would she go? If a space is free, the girl's gotta take it!)
4) At the bottom of the Uchiha barrel is Sasuke, of course, because you can't dare to exercise your sexual autonomy if you're a man. That's a woman's prerogative. You can't guard your life against her assault, as well, because that's just woman and lesbian battery, even if she's not a lesbian, because she could have been a lesbian, you know? Are you all misogynistic lesbian-phobes? How dare you! You must be anti-black and racist, too (these are real accusations, by the way, just to be clear).
So it's Sasuke that's got to chase after her now, because feminism (?) bitch! Realize his "justice-seeking" mistakes (involving his very butchered clan and the very fascist state that sanctioned his torture and murder, as well) and see the light shine out from her rear-side because that's what dreams and Will of Fire are made of!
5) Fear not, because Sakura needn't be limited to a single man. No, if the writer can't decide whomst she wanks harder to, all the Sharingan-sporting men are in, competing with her pussy in abhorrently sexist narratives that reduce men down to their pricks, because why the fuck now? (This is what the damned Incels keep prattling on about in their "pop-evo science" manifestos, and Sakura Fandom's entire writing repository just exists to legitimize them, alpha men competing to get the best pussy; how feminist, much progressive!) Reverse-sexism is the coolest shit in modern neo-liberal feminism! In these heart-felt, cunt-juice-soaked, and highly innovative eroticas, she's a neo-liberal of the pop-feminist variety and the nifty semen-collecting pot for the all the hot Uchiha men (no one's never ever written anything like this before, amirite? The uncharted territory of gang-bangs!). They gotta be hot, folks! There, her doctor-doctor skills are stretched to oblivion and beyond, and if any Uchiha so much has a ball-scratch, she's there, fam, herbal wizardry in her hands, because she's got the best chakra control ever! (Just say that she's fondling their balls, man, but they gotta complicate this shit and make it sound so very deeeep, as if the plum-molestations are a factor of philosophical musings on the dire military system; what fucking crack are you lot on?!) Then they just dick her by turns and the massacre never happens, and that's all she wrote. Kishimoto, you randy dog you, where's the Uchiha-ball-fondling plot-device? It'd have saved the world a lot of trouble. Uchiha Curse of Hatred cured, too!
6) Well, what if I don't fancy the Uchiha men, huh?! There, there, the Senju bros are here to drill new love-tunnels into her...err, carnal flesh and sinful spirit and devilish nates or something. Hashirama just flings Mito out, because fuck you! military alliances for the stability of a fragile village, and his Mokuton gardening machine can't seem to rest, forever busy planting wills into her village boiler! And Tobirama's suiton? It just flows out of her...just everywhere, ya know? Have you seen the man's fur? They'd take it anywhere. And, yes, the village is solidified, fascism strengthened, because Sakura played doctor-doctor again and, through her wizardry, invented a medicine that cured that Uchiha cancer or something of the sort. They're proud of her, and they dick her proudly, too; and that earns her a place on the monument, very proudly again. And she's the wah-men Hokage in their place! Women can be fascists, too, you guys! (And sometimes, when the night is thundering, Minato, too, flies and thunder gods his way into her hole, because quick-draw MacSenju!)
7) If the number is too small because we need sexual liberation, she's just run through by the whole Anbu Army. (No, there's literally a fan-fiction out there that does this; it's called Come into my bed Faceless Stranger by Pleasedial123; Faceless Stranger ought to have a comma before it, but it isn't as if these slavering cretins can write; and may god help you.) With Sakura, you can play doctor-doctor and make comfort-women hip again! You can try it, too. Fun for the whole family!
8) Not into the alpha bad boys that only stomp on the little girlies' hearts and leave them with anxiety, woe, and a possible un-aborted burden? Then "beat it, bitch, believe it!" Uzumaki Naruto is your ticket. (Maybe Lee, too, but man's a bowl-cut-wearing road-kill; come on!) Sakura shows Naruto what real-real girls are, and Sasuke was just a bad man, anyway. Girls, you gotta save your vag...hearts for the right kind of guys! The normies, because the chad-sukes are the reasons why you can't stop reading the "10 signs he's into you!" buzzfeed articles. Do you want to spiral down again, huh, huh?! Make the right choice, or be a single mom! That Sarada mouth won't feed itself!
9) What if she was a closeted lesbian and the Sasuke-chase was fake news? A search for a metaphorical coochie beard? Just by existing, Sasuke punched the lesbian out of her, blasted her off again (like that pokemon flight), and stung her with a straight disease that traveled from her cunt and infected her brain. My goodness, I'm onto something. It was Inosaku all along, wasn't it? Checks notes on some threadbare lesbian fan-fic set in the pre-warring era, with time-traveling thrown into the mix! Yes, yes, yes, I can see it now! Can you? It's right there, off that panel, about five inches off all panels. Hater!
10) If living and breathing men don't do it for you (or it's mostly that you don't do it for them), and your discount-sex-toy bills are reaching up to the sky, middle-aged doll-faced-and-bodied, literally, men are your thing, of course. Sasori is like your under-the-bed plastic ken your mum never knew about; just lay him out on the bed and stick it in, provided that it's clean, of course; but cleaning equipment doesn't come cheap and man (or wo-man) is a horny creature of means. Why doesn't it self-clean? That's how the sasosaku cult is born: a doll-man that self-grooms; all you gotta do is write him and he'd shag your tunnel with his plastic pole, like jutsu magic! It exists at room temperature, so suspension of disbelief is a must here. And she can play doctor-doctor here, too, and turn Sasori into a reeeaaal boy, uh, middle-aged man, but you get the idea; but now, he'd probably require the aid of ninja-viagra just to take the piss, so choices choices. Life is so hard for a shipper!
Throw in some highly flimsy philosophical tirades from back when you were five and maintained a diary on Fox News or CNN's riveting reporting on Iraq War; and you're pretty much set. They're into that sort of penis, the one penis that they've got a very abusive relationship with. Ya know, one they hide under the trash in their bathrooms' dustbin? Between this and all of the above, we basically have what amounts to one giant sweaty neck-beard, only its female version. You can always smell the stink of neck-beard off this lot in spades.
Yes, I'm done with the jokes, but this is a problem with this fandom. Pick out any Sakura from any of these "versions" and it's wildly different from all the others. The monogamy one has varied gradations across which doctor-doctor circus-show she's putting on for that particular story. And the polyamory ones, in which all the Uchiha men just empty out their bank-accounts into her fittable parts in the name of warring states' liberation (yes, you heard that right; these are real plots, written by real people, and typed by real hands), have their own "doctoring" clichés; and none of them, not one, is anything like the canon version.
These stans aren't even interested in the exploration of her canon counterpart: In a world full of monstrously competent shinobi from exalted pedigrees, she's a fish out of water, a fool, a wall-flower, a naive soldier, and a hopeless dreamer. No, none of these are apparently important; what's important to them is to cut down some character that they dislikes, which is almost always Sasuke, and to pair her off with the character they personally find attractive. The haze of a plot is just there to get her from point A, liberation from a supposedly "abusive" relationship, to point B, a realization of a capitalistic dream: a place in the status quo among powerful rich men who, unlike canon, make her the center of their attention, world, purpose. She is their purpose! So if Kishimoto's Sakura is "problematic" for being obsessed with male attention, what would you call this gargantuan insecurity on display, a desire to be noticed, courted, and desired by the men that matter? If you lot weren't obsessed with male attention, a very specific male attention, you wouldn't be writing half of this, and Lee would've been your best pick. Why isn't he? He doesn't matter. Ding-ding-ding!
And in all of these Hagormo-forsaken fan-fictions, she turns into such a fucking militaristic cunt-bag that she just exists to be a Sasuke clone, steal his abilities, and teach him a lesson that your clan, fam, had to go! All the men that I want to fuck? They're philosophically on the star-wars-esque higher ground. This genocide must go on! And she's such a fucking edgelord in these, pretty much the whole made-up wrist-maiming emo-shebang her fandom accuses Sasuke of. She's very angry about...something, and it's never that deep that you almost hear yourself yell, go outside and touch grass, Sakura, you fucking loser! She's his spitting image, only with a cunt, a hefty shovel-in-the-face mug, and no purpose that goes against being a hyper-charged jingoistic bitch. She opens everyone's eyes to...pretty much nothing as they all exist to put her on a pedestal as if she just popped out of something's asshole that one-upped Kaguya in the celestial playground or something. Nothing political is even remotely touched; all the vague politics just exist to push her through this bizarro world power-fantasy in which Sasuke must pay, because...why? There's never any reason given. He just must, because romance tropes and its boot-in-our-face rejection by canon; and its flimsy connection with the desecration of women-kind world-over. How does this reasoning even begin to take off the ground? How does this "scorned woman so master-race female-warrior" apparatus function? How does this lot operate? Unless, it's not a very poor attempt at lampoon, it's a mystery. Tobirama, if he were real, ought to have dissected their brains, as it's they who suffer quite aggressively from the Uchiha Curse of Hatred as she's either hating one Uchiha to fuck the other; or she's fucking all Uchiha to contain the hatred. It's a curse, man!
And here's the thing about obsessions with fiction or all things fictional: not all obsessions are equal! There's a difference between obsessions, and that's what's so bothersome to me. There's a great difference between obsessing over a character that can be magnified in a way that it's larger than life and settles itself cleanly into life to put across a poignant argument about so and so aspects of humanity as the grand collective, not the mundane individual. Then there's a character that squarely exists in the mundane, an aspect that's so minute, repetitive, and boring that you can't magnify it in a manner that matters. That's the reason why the obsession with Sakura is so fucking stupid, shameful, and pathetic: she's just some pointless girl in a world where she doesn't matter, an ant in the battle between giants, irrespective of their ideological divides. Why would you even want to make a character like that relevant? What's the purpose of it? To bring her middle-class-esque struggles to the fore and push generational trauma wrought by decades of socio-political divides to the back, one of which created the great valley, physical and metaphorical? You're fucking kidding me, right?
And funny story that how they choose the very giants to make her relevant by crafting her in a manner that she becomes the center of their lives. And I'm supposed to believe that they don't obsess over the chud-manifesto written about alpha men that the Jorden-Peterson-ballsack sniffing Incels write, internalize, and preach like gospel? You lot inhabit the very caricature that they pen about with great passion! Aren't you proud of yourselves? Their whole problem is that Sakura chased after some "alpha", but no "alpha" threw her a bone; and their entire discourse on "Sakura deserved better!", down to the last itty-bitty detail, exists to remedy that problem where all "alpha" men battle it out to serve her pussy or something, notice her with singular focus, and validate her existence till their own disappears. God, just typing this I'm ashamed to be in the same gender as them; but hey, Kishimoto made her whole life revolve around men, didn't he? The genius of this fandom to not only not turn the tables but also stack several tables on top of this "desirability by alpha men" obsession that this neck-beard lot can't seem to let go of, all because that one boy-chad-alpha refused to touch her! Sakura Fandom, almost all of it, is brimming full with nothing but scorned-by-a-cartoon-little-boy-chad-ultra-alpha femcels; and the super knee-deep discourse they type out? Just compare it to the one the Incels engage in and reverse the sex, and you'd get what I mean.
So very candidly speaking, even when it isn't about the men, apparently, Sakura's character is still very much about the men. Not a man, like that loser Lee, but the men. You know, the important kind. The movers and shakers of the world. The alpha men, which the Incels swear have been stealing their women since the last two epochs, who matter in the Shinobi economy! The issue wasn't that Sakura had her life built around men; it's that men didn't have their lives built around her. Pick out any of these shite masturbatory fan-fictions and show them to me, and I can guarantee you that none escape these tropes. Not one! And the issue isn't even that these lonely women project harder on Sakura than most Incels do on Hinata (they just mount the physical manifestation of it in all its plastic glory and cry about it for a bit like normal losers); it's that they take this so fucking seriously and inject it into feminist discourse, which is...fucking crazy talk! It's wank material. Quit it with trying to exalt it into something it's not. I wish you lot fought your own demons first and then took on the cartoon boy-demons in shonen who rattle your timid pussies into jittery motions; but we just can't have the nice things, now, can we? Jesus...go back to your mum, for we are doomed!
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