Author's Note: I realized I didn't give any information about the background of my Shepard in the last chapter. In this fic, Shepard is on the Paragon pace and is a Spacer/war hero. I don't plan on using Shepard's first name, though, since that always seems to rub me the wrong way in other fics.
Special thanks to Jokerine, Lightan117, and RayneEthelWolf for reviewing!
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to BioWare. I own nothing!
Shepard listened to the soft hum of the Normandy, a smile tugging at her lips. She reached for a warm body that was not there. As her slender fingers crossed the middle of the bed, Shepard truly believed she would feel the soft curves of Kaidan's back. Even after hands grasped nothing but air, the illusion remained unbroken. Already up, she thought. Someone wants a promotion. Eyes still closed, Shepard rolled on her back.
That was when everything came crashing down.
It was the little things: the bed was too soft, the ship too quiet, the air too clean, and the sheets felt too new… or recently ironed. Since Shepard first arrived on the Normandy SV2, she began each day with a slight panic attack at these little details. Gripping the sheets tightly, she gasped for air, remembering when she ran out and the coldness of space seeped through every pore until she couldn't tell where her body began and the atmosphere ended. Small beads of sweat formed at her hairline. She closed her eyes again and forced herself to remain calm. You're alive, she repeated until her heartbeat slowed to a normal pace. You're alive.
"Commander?" EDI chimed. "Should I alert Doctor Chakwas?"
Shepard took a deep breath before answering. "No, EDI, that won't be necessary." Her tone was understandably annoyed. She pushed herself to a sitting position in the large, empty bed. Using her thumb and index finger, she lightly massaged the sides of face until the tension had mostly receded.
"I did not mean to intrude, commander," EDI said, "Logging you out, Shepard."
Shepard sighed. She knew EDI didn't have feelings, but she didn't like starting her day off by yelling at someone concerned for her well-being. Even if that someone is a machine.
The commander swung her legs over the side of the bed before walking with shaky knees to her private bathroom. She poured herself a glass of water before giving her reflection any attention. She relaxed, feeling the cool liquid travel down her throat and spread through her new Cerberus-built body. She groaned, remembering her debt to the terrorist organization and inspected her scars like she did every morning. They were slowly fading. She rubbed her fingers along the glowing red lines, the one just below her cheekbone, being the most noticeable. In time, if she had a positive outlook and performed good deeds (or if she decided to spend the creds on the proper equipment), they would disappear. But Shepard knew she would never forget that this was not completely the body she was born with. "Meat and tubes," she said, thinking back on her first conversation with Jacob Taylor.
She splashed water on her face. It was oddly comforting that she could still find moments to be vain, while attempting to save the galaxy from the Reapers… again. Besides, she thought, turning her head side to side, they aren't as bad as Garrus's. It seemed like the past two years had scarred everyone she knew in some way or another – Garrus Vakarian more visibly than others. When she was in one of these moods, Shepard often thought the turian. He provided her with a sense of stability as well as hope. She wished Tali had joined them after Freedom's Progress. Shepard could tell her old friend was still Tali, but something had changed. The quarian was… less trustful and a bit sad. She had moved onto some new, apparently secret chapter of her life. Shepard had begun to expect that it would be the same for the rest of the crew, but Garrus had surprised her by immediately agreeing to walk into hell with her for a second time.
And that was after getting shot in the face by a gunship, Shepard thought, chuckling. She turned on the shower, enjoying the steam against her sore body. Everything was happening so quickly. She had already assembled a good part of her team: the Professor, the Veteran, the Convict, a suitable replacement for the Warlord, the Master Thief, and, of course, "Archangel." She laughed at the name as she stepped into the hot cascading water. The title was so dramatic – so not-Garrus. Yet, it fit with what he had become – a vigilante fighting for the weak, the poor, the forgotten. Even on the Citadel, during his C-Sec days, she remembered Garrus had always strived to be this symbol, this force of justice. Limitations, rules, regulations… morality had hindered him.
Back then, she had provided him an outlet to a world where he thought he wouldn't be burned by such things. Together they confronted Dr. Saleon. Garrus had been ready to shoot the mad salarian on the spot. But Shepard showed him the power of mercy, even if the doctor was not willing to receive it. You can't predict how people will react, Garrus, but you can control how you'll respond. In the end, that's what really matters. Even in her second life, Shepard believed that to be true. Garrus was different after that, in a good way. The relief he felt knowing that Dr. Saleon was no longer a part of the galaxy made him more open to change. He was less cynical. Recharged in his fight for justice. Rejuvenated.
Even though they had the hot water to spare, Shepard finished her shower as quickly as if she was on an Alliance vessel. In one of their talks, Kelly had asked her what it felt like, waking up and realizing that two years had gone by. Did it feel like she had just been napping? Or did her mind register the two years she was Miranda's science experiment?
"Honestly, a bit of both," Shepard told her. "Sometimes it feels like nothing happened, that I'll walk into the CIC and Pressly will be there, saluting as always. Then other times, I don't know, I notice the changes not just in others, but in myself."
"The scars will fade," Kelly said, placing her hand on the commander's. Shepard wasn't used to such touchy-feely camaraderie. She wasn't even sure why she was telling Kelly any of this - she was Cerberus after all. But there were certain members of the crew that she found herself warming to and the yeoman was one of them.
"It's not the scars," Shepard said. "It's difficult to explain." Chambers had tried to press her for a more specific answer, but the commander really couldn't find the words to describe it.
Back in her cabin, she had finished getting dressed and her thoughts wandered back to Garrus. He wasn't rejuvenated anymore. The events on Omega had broken him down. She had tried to pry out some information from him. He was willing to tell her the basic facts: He had been betrayed by one of his teammates, Sidonis, and it had cost him his whole squad. But he had put a wall up after she tried to find out the finer details. "A wall of calibrations." She chuckled and settled down at her desk. Miranda had left another one of her robotic reports for her to review.
The Normandy was on her way to Horizon. To Kaidan, she thought. She knew she should be excited to see him, but all Shepard felt was dread. She looked over at the biotic's picture on her desk. Cerberus had tried to make her feel more at home by placing her former lover's picture in her cabin, but she thought it was just plain creepy. The memento was also a constant reminder that she had no idea what Kaidan's reaction was going to be when they finally stood face to face. She wasn't naïve. It wasn't like she disappeared for two years – she died. Still, no one would tell her anything about had happened after her death. Well, nothing more than "It's been two years," or something equally obvious, but vague. Still, the haunting expressions that Joker and Dr. Chakwas had tried to mask unnerved her.
She didn't bother to ask Garrus. The turian and Kaidan had been cordial on the first Normandy, but Shepard knew it was all for the sake of the mission. For whatever reason, they rubbed each other the wrong way. If Garrus had fallen out of touch with the rest of the crew, she seriously doubted he would know anything about Kaidan's life after her death.
Shepard fully expected that her Lieutenant had moved on. She was ready for that. But she still wanted her old team back, the unstoppable team that took down Sovereign, and that included Kaidan Alenko. His biotic abilities were a valuable asset. And she needed people she knew from before for her own personal, emotional reasons.
She set down the datapad and leaned back in her chair. Closing her eyes, she lightly ran her fingers against her left palm. She savored the little tingles emitted from the contact. While she was sturdier in a firefight, Shepard found her new body was quite sensitive. She tried to remember that night before Ilos, the feeling of being over him, commanding him wordlessly with her hips to move as she moved, his soft lips and strong hands on her body.
As with her previous attempts, Shepard felt nothing. The memory was lost – like the parts of her body that had been replaced with cybernetics – the visual was there, but that was it.
Rolling her eyes and pushing herself away from the desk, Shepard decided she needed to get out of her cabin. Too much alone time made her think about things she just didn't have the time for. She had to get the crew ready for Horizon.
Garrus heard the commander's quick strides to the forward battery, but remained facing his console. Since recruiting Grunt, he had only left his post to eat and shower. The new thanix cannon had been installed earlier than he thought possible, thanks to Cerberus's credits and Shepard's obsession with probing planets.
"It helps me relax," she had insisted.
"Right…" Garrus teased. "As relaxing as haggling with a volus, I'm sure."
She smiled and crossed her arms. "At least you don't have to worry about fixing up the Mako anymore."
Garrus's throat emitted the human equivalent from a gagging noise before turning around on the spot, mumbling about how mountains aren't short cuts and sane people do not consider diving off cliffs the same thing as driving.
"I said I was sorry!" Shepard had called after him, laughing.
Garrus smiled at the memory, as he heard the door slide open. "Shepard, need me for something?"
She seemed tense, but he was still getting used to reading human body language again. Not that he had been very good at it before.
"I'm taking you with me on Horizon," she said. "Can you leave your new baby for a few hours?"
Spirits, human slang, Garrus thought, internally shaking his head, but outwardly nodding in confirmation. "I'll be ready, Shepard."
She smiled softly, before taking a seat to his right. Lately, she had been coming down to just sit as he worked. It was a bit unnerving at first, but he had grown to enjoy her uncharacteristically quiet presence. If any doubts from his morning musings began to invade his thoughts, he could just look over and see Shepard sitting there to know that this was definitely real.
"I'm trying to decide who else to bring," she said.
The small plate above his eye rose slightly and his mandibles twitched. She had never discussed her decisions on who or who not to bring on missions with him before. This has to be about Alenko. Garrus had overheard the doctor, Kasumi, and the nosy yeoman gossiping in the mess hall. Human females. Put them in a group and they're worse than quarians. To be fair, the doctor was trying to keep the facts straight, while the younger girls played out fantastical reunions between the commander and Alenko. "Who are you considering?"
She leaned back against the metal wall. "Well, I know I'm leaving Miranda and Jacob behind, for sure. If there is an," she paused, "Alliance presence there, it would look bad if I showed up with Cerberus Operatives in my main squad."
"But the council knows you are working with Cerberus to investigate the disappearance of human colonies… Would it be so strange for you to be seen with one of their operatives?" Garrus asked, turning from his console.
She considered his question for a moment. "The council knows, but if Kaidan is actually stationed on Horizon, he might not."
Garrus nodded and went back to work, proud of himself for reading the situation properly and a bit annoyed that Alenko's opinion mattered at all.
"Either way, I think things will go more smoothly if he sees you and one of the crew that is firmly not Cerberus," Shepard said.
"He'll just need to see you, Shepard," Garrus said, after a pause. "Alenko was there on Ilos. The three of us traveled through the conduit to reach the Citadel. He'll follow you. I hardly think some Cerberus Operative, even one as icy as Miranda, could change that."
Shepard grinned. "Maybe I'll take Mordin? Kaidan won't be able to put in a word of protest once we get the professor talking."
"Or tip off Zaeed to start telling one his stories if things start turning sour," Garrus said.
"I don't know… The scarred trio might be a bit too intimidating!" Shepard laughed. The three only noticed the similarity when they were all suited up to board the Purgatory. Joker had been the one to point it out, of course: "So, just asking not requesting, but do I have to have my face blown off to join this club too?"
Garrus's mandibles flared as he laughed, before he instinctively reached up to the bandage. The wound was taking forever to heal. The room grew quiet again.
"I wish Tali were here." Shepard sighed.
"Tali?" Garrus asked. "I'd rather take Wrex in this situation. If Alenko was being hard headed, he'd just threaten to eat him."
The two friends both erupted with laughter, remembering how Wrex had threatened the security on Noveria. They hardly heard Joker's voice over the intercom, informing them, Horizon was, well… on the Horizon.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Just to let y'all know, I plan on mostly just writing scenes between the missions. The missions will be discussed in hindsight, but I'm really interested in just filling in the blanks between the few conversations we have between Femshep and Garrus. Please review! It really helps to motivate me to update more quickly.