Truths
"Ennaly?" A curse. "Oh, Ennaly!"
She awoke with a start from a familiar voice. She was still sitting in the branch of the tree, a leg dangling down. She felt terrible. Her dreams had been haunted, riddled with guilt. Her head felt hollow from crying herself to sleep.
She wiped the sleep out of her eyes and looked down.
Solas was standing in front of the tree, relief clear on his face.
"What?" she said. Her voice was little hoarse. "I am here." She jumped down the branch, landing in front of Solas. The impact hurt her head. She assumed she must look dreadful. She had stuffed her hairpin in a pocket before sleeping and her braid was partly undone, pieces of bark and leaves stuck in it.
"I am so glad to see you are safe," Solas said, his voice just a little bit hoarse, too. "We are all looking for you."
"Well, I have been here all night." She was annoyed, tired, empty inside.
"All night?"
She scoffed. "What is it to you where I have been?" She folded her arms together.
"Only that we are all worried. This morning, that... that Dalish Elf returned. We assumed you had been... with him, but he said you had left. So we went searching for you."
Ennaly felt a flush creep to her cheeks. "Right. Well, here I am. Healthy and unscathed."
Solas looked at her, his expression hard to read. "Anything could have happened. Demons, wildlife, bandits. You should not have left by yourself, alone."
She averted her gaze. "I can take care of myself. And there are many things I should not have done, but did anyway."
"Please –" Solas begged, stepping closer.
"I forgot," Ennaly said scathingly, unfurling her arms. "You're just here to make sure I'm not distracted from my duties, if I'm not mistaken." She raised her left hand. "Precious little Anchor needs her heroes for protection."
"Ennaly..."
"No, I told you, you don't get to say my name like that anymore." She stepped closer and poked him in the chest with a finger. Every consecutive poke lessened the anger she felt, leaving a hollow feeling behind. She knew she was being unfair to him, but she felt so hurt that she wanted him to feel some hurt, too.
She stared at her own hand as her palm flattened against his chest, her fingers outstretched. The cloth of his tunic was warm as always and she could feel his heartbeat through it. She could feel herself leaning closer to him. She didn't want to leave.
Solas exhaled. "We should get back, now that I have found you."
"Yes," Ennaly replied, her voice quiet, her hand still on his chest. "We probably should."
None of them moved.
Ennaly looked up to Solas' face. She found a tender, compassionate expression gazing down on her.
"Right," a voice to their side spoke. They both turned and saw Soran standing there. He was looking from one to the other, and her hand on his chest. "I knew you must be in this area somewhere, after last night. Did you just use me to make him jealous?"
"No, Soran, that is not –" Ennaly started, taking a few steps away from Solas.
"Really? Because I saw him looking at you last night. And just now, he was blaming me for doing something to you." He scoffed. "And you nearly said his name, don't think I didn't catch that. It would have been fine if you had just been honest, you know. I knew this was just a one-time thing, but it wouldn't have left a bitter aftertaste that way. I might not have felt used."
That last word seemed to echo through the clearing. Ennaly couldn't find words to say, just stared at him in horror.
"Am I mistaken?" he asked, looking at her with a challenge.
She couldn't say anything. He was half-right, but she wasn't going to correct his story. The full truth felt worse than the conclusion he came up with.
"I thought so," Soran said with a shake of the head. "I shouldn't be surprised, really. It's what they've always said. Leave the bare-faced women to the bare-faced men. Is honesty that hard to come by?" Soran turned from Ennaly to Solas. "I've got to warn you, she likes to be in control. She is more forceful than she looks. You might be into that, or not. I don't know what flat-ears like. Amazing tits, though."
He averted his eyes, turned around, and disappeared between the trees.
Ennaly fell down to her knees, hand clasped in front of an open mouth, large tears rolling over her cheeks. She always considered herself an honourable person, but clearly she was wrong.
"I did use him," she said, her heart hurting when she said it. "I never wanted him. I lied to him. From the moment we met them, I lied. And once I was living the lie, I could almost pretend to be that other person. He deserved better, he was kind. I'm terrible."
She sobbed and buried her head in her hands. Footsteps approached her. "Please do not beat yourself up over this."
"Why not? I deserve that." She looked up to Solas. "What could I have said? That I am Dalish, that I wanted you to take away my Vallaslin once you told me what it was? They wouldn't have believed me. So I lied. And you know what? Now that I know what they are, that's all I could see. Them trying to live a life that is based on lies, stories contorted over time. That's what you must have seen. That's how you saw me, in the beginning."
"I am sorry," Solas said, not denying it.
Ennaly sighed and got to her feet. "I still shouldn't have used him. You know I wanted you. I could just pretend for a little, that he was you." She paused and pressed her eyes closed. "I am so stupid. You hurt me, and now I hurt him. At least it keeps paying forward." She opened her eyes again as she heard footsteps getting closer. She looked up to Solas, his expression now stoic. "But you never told me lies."
"I do not believe I have," Solas spoke.
Still staring at him, she felt a tension growing inside. This was the moment. She had to know. "Then tell me, how old are you?"
There was no expression on his face that told her the question surprised him. "Do you really want this answer?" It was almost a confession already.
She cursed. "Yes, Solas, I want this answer. I think I deserve the truth."
As he looked at her, his expression turned neutral. "I do not know how old I am."
"You do not know how old you are?" She looked at him, her mouth open in disbelief.
"In the beginning, time flowed ever-lasting. Nothing perished and there was no reason to keep track of time, no method to do so if one wished. That changed, eventually. It has been at least several thousand years."
She stared at him, then turned around. She felt the world closing in. It was clear he wasn't in his forties, like he appeared, she had known that since the temple of Mythal. She willed herself to focus on her breathing, slow, deep breaths. She turned around. Solas' eyes were following her. "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"
Solas took a second to answer. "Would you have believed me?"
"I would have had you trust me," she said, almost begging him, but he just looked at her mournfully. "I loved you. You should have been able to tell me anything. I would have understood. You could have helped me understand, but now it's just... I could have been there for you. Do you honestly think I wouldn't?" He didn't say anything and that just hurt her even more. "But I knew from the moment we encountered the Elves in the temple of Mythal that you were like them."
Solas smiled weakly, yet some pride shone through in his eyes. "Of course you figured it out. You are smart. Know that I did not hide this from you out of malice."
Ennaly stared up at his face. It had been shattering enough to realize the age of Abelas and the other sentinels, but to know that Solas, her Solas, had been just as old, was just… too much. Yet at the same time, it explained everything. "I finally understand. You always carried just a bit of sadness with you, sometimes hidden away, sometimes close to the surface. Those things you've shown me, those ruins… Some of those were from your memories. You were around before they had fallen to ruin."
"Yes."
"I am so sorry."
He shook his head. "Stop."
She scoffed. "What? I'm not allowed to feel compassion for you? Do you think you don't deserve it?"
He didn't say anything, but his gaze once again showed his evert-present sadness, now riddled with pain and anger.
Her own voice was unsteady with emotion. "We must be like flies to you. We come and we go in the blink of an eye."
"No," Solas said, his voice now clear and resolute. He took a step forwards, but not enough to touch Ennaly. "You know what uthenara is. I lay in dark and dreaming sleep while countless wars and ages passed. I woke still weak a year before I joined you. And when I did, everything had changed. The passing of time seemed to have quickened. Actions that once spanned seasons were rushed in minutes. The flow of time has adjusted itself to the lives of the current people."
Ennaly kept her eyes locked on him. "You woke still weak? You're the most powerful mage I know. You can do things no one else can."
"You have not seen what I once could."
Ennaly turned her face upwards, to look at the canopy of leaves above her, imagining how many times Solas would have seen them turn from green to orange, fall down, and then regrow again. "There must not be many of you left."
"No. And after everything that happened in the Arbor Wilds, even less are left to walk this earth."
She turned back to him. A tear ran down her cheek. They had faced their fears when they were trapped in the Fade with the nightmare demon, and Dying alone had been Solas' fear. It was only now that it hit her what that actually meant. And suddenly, anger overlook her. "You should have told me. You consoled me so many times. I could have been there for you, too, you know. I would have, I wanted too."
"I know." Another mournful smile.
And that just angered Ennaly even more. He'd known she could have consoled him, and yet he never allowed her to really do so, to explain how he really felt? She turned around in agitation, too frustrated to face him. The Anchor flared up in her palm and she grunted again, this time in pain. She tore off the glove and dug her nails in her palm. "And then there's this dreadful thing." She bent down in pain as a new ache hit her, strong and short, but after that it stopped. Tears of pain now intermingled the tears of anger and hurt.
When she rose up again, Solas was standing in front of her, concerned. She reached out to him and pounded on his chest. He recoiled a little, but took it. He supported her arms as she slowly came to rest, sobbing. Her right hand had become entangled with the leather straps of his jawbone amulet, but it mattered not. She took a few deep breaths again and looked up to him. The streaks of tears now decorated her bare cheeks.
"You might not have told me any lies, but you've kept an awful lot of truth hidden away." Her voice was devoid of emotion. "What other truths are there, that you haven't told me about?"
He stared down at her, his breath held, expectantly, but he did not speak. She jerked away. The leather cord of his amulet broke in the sudden movement. She clutched the jawbone in her right hand as she kept looking at Solas.
"Did you ever love me?" she asked. Her shoulders hung down, a look of total defeat on her face.
He took a step closer to her, he held out his hands like her wanted to hold her, or grab her hand, but he faltered and let his hands drop. "Believe of me what you will, but know that I was honest in this. I told myself I would never give in to desire. Desire is easy to push away. I never expected to find love. But love, I could not deny, and that is what I came to feel. It was selfish of me. Whatever love I felt, I knew it could not last."
She looked down as she felt a sharp pain in her right palm. She saw the jawbone amulet, clenched so tightly, the teeth started to cut her skin. The paleness of her palm, the darkness of the bone and the vibrant red of the blood made a beautiful contrast together.
She looked up to him. Blood was running over her skin, her lifeforce. And hers would run out long before his would. A large tear ran over her face. "Because you will live on, unchanged, long after I have died of old age."
This time, Solas did reach out to hold her. She placed her hands on his chest and leaned over, her forehead on his shoulder. Blood from the gash on her palm stained his shirt, the spot over his heart. His voice was quiet, almost a figment of her imagination. "Can you see why I had to step away?"
She swallowed. It felt so good to lean against him, just to feel his warmth. "Why not live in this dream a little longer?" she pleaded. "Just until this all is over."
"The inevitable moment will only hurt more, the longer we continue this." Solas' voice was stoic, but there was a tremble at the end, as if his resolution was wavering with her this close to him.
"I still love you," she muttered, reaching up to cup his face. She missed him so much.
"I am so sorry," Solas whispered his reply, and wiped away the tear on her cheek. But there was this look in his eyes, this tenderness, this devotion. If only he had been able to steel himself, to mask his emotion, then she wouldn't have…
His hand cupped the back of her neck and they both leaned in closer. Their lips met, warm, soft, and for a moment, if just a short moment, everything seemed alright again, like chaos calmed down, the jarring tones of reality were in tune again, a beautiful harmony.
"You will be sorry!" a voice sounded.
The kiss only lasted a second before it broke, Solas' hand still remained on Ennaly's face, still tear-streaked. Dorian and Bull were standing between the trees to their left. Dorian looked at Solas, his face twisted in anger. "Haven't you hurt her enough?"
"I thought you were better than this," Bull grumbled behind him.
Solas took a step backwards from Ennaly, the touch broken, his hand falling limply to his side. "I never meant to hurt her," he said, his voice emotionless.
"Perhaps you should have thought about that before you kissed her," Dorian offered. He frowned as he saw the red stain on Solas' tunic, over his heart. "Is that blood?"
"Dorian!" Ennaly exclaimed, feeling desperate. "That's unfair, I kissed him too. Don't blame him. And that's my blood. I'm fine."
Dorian took a step closer into the clearing. "What hurt you?"
Ennaly looked at her right hand. She was no longer holding the jawbone amulet that had cut her palm. She didn't know what she had done with it. Had she dropped it? She didn't see anything near her feet. "It doesn't matter," she said. She looked up and saw Solas looking at her. She took a step closing to him, but he took a step back, keeping their distance. The Anchor on her hand began to ache again.
"No, Ennaly," Dorian continued, his gaze serious. "Don't defend him. He's just taking advantage of you now."
"No," Solas said, his voice calm, but a dark shadow crept over his face. "I would never do that."
"He didn't!" Ennaly exclaimed. Reality swam before her eyes. Solas didn't deserve Dorian's wrath, not when she was as complicit. The sensation coming from the Anchor made her dizzy. It seemed to pull and push at the reality around her.
Dorian turned to look at her. "No," he said, his face serious. "You're too compassionate. This is not on you. This is on him. He's just jealous because of that Dalish Elf. I could see it yesterday, when you were dancing, and then this morning. His pride –"
But that wasn't how things had gone. She had hurt Soran with her lies. She didn't deserve Dorian's positive words here. The skies above the canopy turned dark.
"Dorian," Solas said, the dark shadow extending beyond him. "You do not understand what is –"
"I understand very well what is going on here," Dorian cut in, voice heated. "You ended things and you broke her heart, not the other way around. She's vulnerable, she's crying. You either should not have kissed her, or you should not have let her kiss you. It's really not that hard to understand."
"Dorian, no," Ennaly said. Tears were running down her face again. From the skies, a bolt of lightning crashed down in the trees behind her, the thunder rumbling in their ears. "You don't know what happened," she said, deaf to the magical disturbance in the air. She didn't want to repeat anything they just talked about. For all she cared, nobody else had to know about what Solas really was. This wasn't her secret to tell.
"I know," Bull offered. "I have pretty good theory on what's been going on." Did Bull figure it out too, like Ennaly had, after they left the temple of Mythal? He had been a spy, once.
Dorian seemed oblivious. Whatever Bull thought, he hadn't told him. "Ennaly, you don't need to defend him. He knows what he did was wrong." Whispers seemed to press against the Veil around him as Dorian turned to Solas, fading the edges of his figure. "Don't you? You know nothing should have happened here."
"I am sorry," Solas replied. The area around him turned as frozen and constant as he appeared, a stillness in the clearing.
"Uhm, are you all noticing this?" Bull said, shifting around uncomfortably. "Perhaps we should all calm down before shit turns creepy."
"Sorry?" Dorian repeated with a mad laugh, completely ignoring Bull, still focussed on Solas. "That's easy to say. She deserves a better man who won't hurt her."
Lightning once again crashed into a tree behind Ennaly, and a branch came falling down.
"I agree," Solas said.
"Solas!" Ennaly cried. More thunder flared behind her as her Anchor spiked brightly.
"We really should calm down," Bull commented, now grabbing his axe. The whispers surrounding Dorian seemed to lick around him, too, but the mages all still ignored him.
"Well then, don't you ever touch her again," Dorian spat at Solas. "If you do, I swear I will hurt you."
Solas looked at Ennaly. "You must understand now. It is for the best. I am sorry, vhenan, I..." He seemed surprised by the word he'd used and it made him pause. The grass around him turned white in frost. He looked at her, shook his head and turned around. The grass, frozen by emotion, crackled under his feet as he walked away.
Ennaly watched him leave as the Anchor in her hand fell silent. It almost always tickled softly, and the absence of any sensation felt strange. With the Anchor calm, the frost melted, the whispers turned to silence and the static tension in the air caused by the lightning sank away. Ennaly fell to her knees, her cry of heartache silent. A soft drizzle of rain began falling down.
Bull and Dorian shared a look and nodded. Bull holstered his axe and followed the direction Solas was walking in, as Dorian turned to Ennaly. He kneeled down and wrapped his arms around him, letting her cry in his shoulder. It was unfair. Everything was unfair.
"Oh, Ennaly," Dorian spoke, gently rocking her back and forth while stroking her hair. "I've got you, okay? You're not alone."
That made her cry harder. Alone. Like Solas was alone. "You don't understand," she said.
"I understand enough. He was definitely jealous of that Dalish Elf. You didn't see how he walked away yesterday after you started to dance rather close to our Elven friend, or how he accused him this morning when you didn't return with him."
"Soran," Ennaly said, feeling like he deserved to be called by his name. "I used him, you know. I slept with him."
"I think he was into you. There's no hurt in sleeping with someone."
Ennaly scoffed, feeling like Dorian put her too much on a pedestal. "He felt used. He said that. He saw us just now, me and Solas, close together. He made some conclusions. I couldn't correct him. I think – I think I might have awoken something within him." Her actions from the previous night embarrassed her. Had she really done all of that? She was relieved to remember that at least she'd asked him.
Dorian suppressed an involuntary chuckle. "We've all made mistakes. As long as you didn't force him, your mistake isn't that big. Everything will get better, don't spiral down. We both know you cannot turn back time, right?" He made a hesitant smile.
She sniffled. "Not unless you want to experience a future that's worse. This one already seems pretty bleak."
Dorian squeezed her hand. "It will get better, you know. Mark my words, in a few years everything is better and you've forgotten all about him."
"I doubt it," Ennaly said sadly. Her past life, from before the Inquisition, was no longer there. There was nothing to return to. What ever would she do when they had finally achieved their goal and defeated Corypheus? "Well, let's focus on our immediate goals first. To prevent it from becoming as bad as whatever we experienced in Redcliffe. We still have a dragon to tame."
"Well spoken!" Dorian said, and they both rose.
Ennaly wanted to take her hairpin out of her pocket to pin up her braid, when she noticed something else in there. She took it out and held it in her hand. For a moment, both palms were facing up. In her left, the Anchor was shining dully. In the right, was Solas' wolf jaw amulet. She frowned. She had a feeling of significance, a sudden heavy sensation in her stomach.
"Is that his?" Dorian asked indignantly when he saw the amulet. "Toss that, Ennaly, you don't need it."
"No," Ennaly said, disturbed from her musings. She clutched the amulet like it gave her a power and looked up to Dorian. "Even if it is painful, it won't do to forget the past."
"Only if you don't let it consume you."
"Don't worry, I won't let it," she said. She looked down and tied the broken ends of the leather cord at her belt as Dorian shot her a concerned look. When she was done, she took her ironwood hairpin and fashioned her braid back into a bun.
She rose and followed Dorian back to the camp. Everybody was back. Varric and Cassandra looked up with concern. Dorian made a gesture that all was fine. Bull and Solas were sitting to the side, their gaze almost turned inwards, as they shot phrases back and forth, seemingly deeply concentrated.
"What are they doing?" Dorian asked.
"They can see it in their mind," Cole offered. "White-and-black figures running on a white-and-black board." He turned around to look at the two. "Solas just sacrificed the white queen. Bull realized he was baited. Solas won."
Ennaly stared unseen at a spot on the ground. Solas just sacrificed the white queen, did he?
Cole turned back to her. "Oh. I didn't mean... He didn't mean –"
"Cole, it's okay," Ennaly said, not wanting to hear him trying to analyse Solas' feeling in the moment. She already understood, and while knowing it did give her some peace, some answers, it didn't stop her feelings. If anything, it awoke them again, knowing that Solas still felt some of the same feelings, too. They just couldn't be. Sometimes, love wasn't enough. She knew, she understood, and perhaps that was okay.
And yet he'd called her vhenan again.
She saw Solas looking up at her, and saw him noticing his amulet that she tied at her belt. Something in her told her she needed to return it to him. It had been a promise, he'd told her. To stand up for those that couldn't stand up for themselves. She had made a similar promise with her sylvanwood ring. Why were both effigies of a wolf?
Solas had years, literal ages, to live by that promise, and would do so long after she was dead. He had one of her bracelets, and now she had his amulet. She could give it back, later. Right now, she needed it for strength.
"Come," she said resolutely, turning away from Solas. "Let's tame this dragon."