Three weeks before the start of her senior year, Rachel Berry was kidnapped. She had been perusing the newest arrivals of sheet music at the store, writing down a meticulously done list of potential swan songs the members of New Directions could sing together during their final year of high school. Four boys ran into the store, looking extremely out of place. They couldn't have been older than fourteen, their hair was ridiculously shaved and colored, one of them had an eyebrow that had gone missing.
I'm being kidnapped by deviant, crazy, cult members with no mirrors or morals. Oh God...
"GOT HER!" the purple haired boy squealed in delight as his companions both grabbed at her.
Rachel used her considerable lung capacity and vocal power to shriek the first thing that came to her mind in such a heightened state of danger and panic.
"NOAH!"
But her boyfriend of six months was nowhere to be found. He had been her protector for so long now, taking a slushie just to walk arm in arm with her at school, moving the Glist, avenging the poor baby chicks that Jesse had thrown her way, helping to pick up her pieces last Christmas when Finn had broken her heart, since becoming her boyfriend he had been so protective it had seemed annoying. She shrieked and kicked at her attackers as they hauled her out of the music store. She would gladly welcome the annoyance of one overly protective boyfriend now.
But Noah was one day into a five day sleep-away camp that Coach Bieste was running to get her football team into tip-top shape. They were contenders this year, and Noah was in talks with various East Coast Universities already to continue his football career. A million thoughts flew through Rachel's head as she viciously yanked at a ridiculous green horn of hair on one of the boy's heads. She tried to remember the simple self defense mechanisms Noah had drilled into her head. She fought valiantly, but when two more boys arrived, dressed in girls clothing nonetheless, she was outnumbered, although she did impressively kick quite a few groins and even managed to draw blood from one of the boys' noses.
"Where are you taking me? Who are you? My fathers are very influential people in Lima and I'll have you know that there will be no place you can hide me once they're interviewed by Robin Roberts tomorrow morning regarding my disappearance! Everyone will be looking for me!" Rachel cried out obnoxiously from the back seat of the van they had thrown her in. She brazenly reached out and smacked a bald headed boy with Sharpie-drawn doodles all over his head, causing him to actually fall forward in his seat. "My boyfriend is incredibly strong and absolutely vicious to people that have hurt me. He buried Andrew Karofsky underneath eight tons of manure last spring because he insulted me. I cannot WAIT to see what he does to you!"
"Shit man...you don't think," one of the younger boys squeaked from the front of the van uncertainly.
"Relax, run in to that store and get one lego brick. You guys go and find an old lady and ask if she'll let you kiss her and get a picture...what else is on the list?" the driver demanded, trying to run his hands through what could only be newly permed hair died a shocking carroty orange.
"List? There's a list?" Rachel demanded from the back seat. "Explain yourselves, heathens! Kidnapping me will put you in jail for twenty to thirty years, not to mention that my fathers will sue your parents for recklessly endangering me by raising evil, disgusting, horribly coiffed boys. And Noah will END YOU ALL!"
"He's gonna kill us!" the youngest boy started to wail. "He's gonna dunk our heads in the toilets and then bury us under the field goal posts!"
"Someone gag her!" the Carrot-top-esque driver demanded.
Rachel screeched even while a curiously decadent red silk scarf was placed over her mouth and secured tightly. She managed to punch another of the boys in the process, but still could not fight her way out of her imprisonment. The boys who had gone on the mission returned with what they needed, one of them looking quite green around the gills.
"I want to wash my mouth out with bleach. The old bird shoved her tongue down my throat!" a boy with stars shaved into his bleached hair gagged and struggled to hold back vomit.
Rachel didn't waste her voice any further and stayed fuming and silent in the back seat with the gag securely tied around her mouth. She watched in horrified fascination as her captors made three more stops, obtaining a dozen lilies, a picture of one of the boys pretending to hump a bent over mailman, tickets at the local ticketmaster, and an unknown stop at the Whole Foods Grocery store. She squirmed in her seat as they drove out of the heart of downtown Lima she darted her eyes everywhere at once, trying to figure out where they were headed.
She shrieked from underneath her gag when the van pulled to a stop at McKinley High just outside of football stadium. The side door to the van swung open, and Rachel used a strength she didn't know she possessed in bull rushing the door, taking time only to stomp on as many feet as she could, ramming her shoulder into the ringleader so that he was sprawled out on the gravel on his back.
She ran as fast as she could, her mind so preoccupied with freedom that she didn't even take off her gag as she rushed into the boys locker room. She felt hot tears slipping down her cheeks at the sight of him and made a small squeaking sound to get his attention away from Finn, Mike and Sam. Noah's jaw dropped in unison with the other seniors on the football team and he rushed to Rachel, yanking off her gag and wrapping her in his arms.
"What happened, baby?" he demanded. "Who did this?"
"I don't know," Rachel wailed. "I thought I was going to die. I was kidnapped out of the music store, Noah! They gagged me, and they did all sorts of highly unusual things and then brought me here to what I assume would have been my eventual rape or death! Please, please, don't ever let me go...please!"
"I won't baby, I won't," he assured her.
"Uhm...did these guys have, like crazy hair?" Mike wondered.
"Why yes, Michael, they were horribly coiffed. It must be part of their cult's ways," Rachel sniffled as Noah held onto her tightly, petting her hair reassuringly, calming her with every touch. "We should really call the police, they're right outside."
"Finn, Puck's gonna kill you," Sam whispered, although everyone in the room heard it.
Rachel felt Puck tense and he turned so that he could peer over the top of Rachel's head and asked lowly, "What did you do, Finnderella?"
"Uhm..." Finn shrugged. "I gotta go. I'm moving to another state."
Finn ran to the showers and jumped up on the ledge that led to a small window. He very quickly squeezed through it, seemingly defying physics and the laws of science in general, leaving Puck to glare at his co-captains, who could only shrug in confusion and horror.
"Captain Puckerman?" a voice squeaked behind Puck. The bald young man with sharpie doodles on his skull held out a list to Puck. "We finished the scavenger hunt sir."
Rachel gasped and her hand darted out suddenly, grabbing the list and reading it quickly. "Noah..." she said quietly, her voice deadly and soft.
"Baby, it wasn't me, I told them to get all the cute romantic things, 'cause Bieste is letting us seniors a night out, and I was gonna surprise you and be all romantic and shit. I swear!" Puck said quickly, more words falling out of his mouth in two seconds than had ever fallen out before.
"Noah," she repeated evenly. "This is a list for your football team. These boys, with ridiculous hair..."
"That was my fault," Sam admitted sheepishly. "We all came up with a sort of hazing activity? Mine was crazy hair."
"Had to go out and obtain these items," Rachel squinted at the list. "Romantic items...and completely absurd pictures."
"Those were mine, I like posting funny pictures on the internet," Mike whispered.
"And your list of romantic items for a surprise date with me...including, the girl Puck had sex with last night," Rachel hissed.
"Finn," all three boys said in unison.
"Sharpie-head!" Rachel yelled.
"Yes, ma'am?" the young football player squeaked.
"Bring me Finn Hudson," Rachel demanded. "Dead or alive. It doesn't matter. Bring me Finn Hudson or I will have Noah END you."
The boy rushed away and Puck reached out and squeezed Rachel's shoulder again, "I'm sorry, baby. I had no idea..."
"It's fine. But when those boys bring Finn back, you will torture him endlessly. Sam? I'm thinking a ridiculous haircut is in order, and Michael, I'm sure you can pose him in an endless variety of funny poses for your internet postings. And Noah? You will be very. VERY. Violent."
Her boyfriend grinned back at her and managed to mumble, "So hot, baby. So fucking hot."
From Druidspell's (315): I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"