pippivirgin from the puckrachel drabblememe said, "Dude. We be insane." She didn't mean it as a prompt. She meant it as a comment to the general sanity of the puckrachel drabble meme. Yes, we do be insane. And I decided that I had to have that line for a Changerman one shot. I love me some Mike Change Noah Puckerman bromance.
"Puck."
"Ching-Chang. What it be like, bro?"
"How fast can you drive to New York?"
Puck furrowed his brow and looked up from his video game, Super Mario 3, classic NES style, of course. You don't drink top shelf bourbon out of a paper cup and you don't play classic video games on a fake console. He looked at his roommate and could easily tell that Mike Chang was about to wet himself or burst into tears AND wet himself. He looked back at his gaming console and cursed inwardly. He had blown into the console and the game in a specific combination at least fifteen times in order to get it to work. Now all his hard work is going down the tubes.
"I think Tina's pregnant."
Puck jumped to his feet immediately, reaching for a hoodie, his wallet and his keys. You don't go through Babygate your sophomore year of high school and not panic at the first sign of pregnancy. Hell, when Burt and Carol Hummel announced they were expecting at the beginning of that summer, 9 out of 12 Glee club members curled up in the fetal position and either hyperventilated or sobbed. Puck had sobbed. Whatever, Hudson totally crapped his pants at the shock of his mother's ovaries still working.
"Let's roll, dude. We'll be at your girl's doorstep in an hour and ten minutes, tops," Puck promised, closing their dorm room door. He was fairly certain that if he could avoid the traffic, the trip from Penn State to NYU could be even shorter. He had been fairly practiced at getting to New York in the last two years of college. Sure, he hadn't made the trip in three weeks, but he could practically drive there with his eyes closed.
"Are you sure, I mean-what if you run into-"
"Then maybe she'll fucking talk to me," Puck grumbled, firing up his truck as Mike climbed inside. He knew the chances of running into his ex were slim to none. New York City had millions of people in it. What were the chances that he run into one Rachel Berry? He couldn't be so lucky. The girl had been in high-avoidance mode since she dumped his ass three weeks ago. Her reasoning? Oh just the fact that she's fucking INSANE CRAZY.
And he seriously eats that crazy shit up. Like Rachel Berry is the never-ending snack pack pudding cup of crazy and he shoves his face into it to make sure he gets every last drop of crazy outta the little plastic container.
He smirked and Mike rolled his eyes, "Can you like, not think about doing the nasty with Rachel while I'm in major trauma over here? If Tina's pregnant? Her dad is going to ship me to China. I'm not doing factory work, dude."
"Why do you think she's pregnant anyway?" Puck wondered.
"She's all weepy and shit on the phone," Mike explained.
Puck nodded and said, "Quinn was weepy. Miss Pillsbury was weepy senior year before we all figured out she was knocked up with Schuester's spawn."
"Her facebook status is set to SHOCK. In capital letters," Mike sighed.
"Yeah, the fact that you have fully functioning sperm is kind of a shock," Puck nodded.
"I'm gonna beat your ass as soon as you stop this truck," Mike grumbled.
"So weepy and shock…that's not a lot to go on," Puck shrugged.
"When she was hanging up this morning, I heard her saying something to someone else about the baby," Mike nearly whispered, turning white as a sheet. "I'm going to die man. I mean, I'm barely basing statistics. I can't do math, which means I'm going to be the shittiest Asian dad ever. My dad is a fucking accountant. Tina's dad is a calculus professor. I can't even freaking do long division without a calculator! How can I be a proper Asian dad if I can't even teach my kid FRACTIONS?"
"Asians have really high standards for good fatherhood," Puck mumbled with a raised eyebrow as Mike broke down into near hysterics, crazily whispering things like divisors, decimals and daddy.
"You don't understand what I'm going through!" Mike nearly shouted, clearly in high grade hysterics.
Puck stared at his friend in utter disbelief, his jaw hanging open. Five minutes passed before he bellowed,
"I'm gonna beat your ass as soon as this truck is stopped!"
"Yeah, sorry. I'm just FREAKING OUT!" Mike screamed. "I mean, what would you do now, if it were Rachel? I mean, you're doing well in school, she's doing workshops right now, what would you do if she was pregnant right now?"
Silence pervaded throughout the truck as Mike's words settled into Puck's brain. If Rachel were the one that was pregnant-if it was Rachel that was…moody, and weepy, and had brushed him off three weeks ago and had set her facebook status to SHOCK. Oh sweet yet to be born Jewish Messiah on a cracker. Rachel's facebook status for the last three weeks had been set to DENIAL.
"HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING SHIT, CHANG! YOU SHUT YOUR DAMNED WHORE MOUTH!" Puck bellowed. He began breathing heavily, taking deep breaths that were meant to calming, but only managed to make him border on hyperventilation.
Mike panicked as he saw Puck turn a completely unnatural shade of white. He swallowed and said, "I take it back dude. Mulligan. Rachel's not pregnant. No way. I mean…no. She didn't like, break it off with you cause you knocked her up. No…it couldn't be."
"Who was Tina talking to this morning when she hung up with you, dude?" Puck demanded.
"Uhm…Rachadstoppedby," Mike whispered.
"FUCKING FLAMING SHIT!" Puck growled, his foot stepping on the gas even harder. He looked at the speedometer and saw that he was now zipping along so quickly along 81 North that the truck could no longer register the speed. He had engaged the damned warp drive. "I'm gonna kill you slowly, Chang. In front of Tina, too."
"Fuck you, asstard. Just because I said the words didn't mean I'm the one that put your super sperm inside your girlfriend!" Chang yelled.
"Fuck your mother, asshole!" Puck yelled back. "It's you, it's Tina, she's all pregnant and shocked because she let some asshole BAD AT MATH Asian mother fucker knock her the fuck up!"
"I'm gonna barf," Mike mumbled suddenly, rolling down the window and leaning his head out.
"I can't believe that you even know how to have sex, much less insperminate your girlfriend," Puck grumbled. "Didn't she make you take a math test before hand. Or at least check your SAT scores?"
"You're a first class douchebag. You win the fucking Douchebag Supreme Award from the Highest Order of Douchebaggery," Mike grumbled.
"I like that one. Douchebaggery. That's excellent, Chang," Puck suddenly admitted, real pride in his voice at seeing his formerly shy best friend break out the big guns of big boy insults. "Super proud of you bro."
"Thanks," Mike mumbled. He shook his head and said, "What are we going to do?"
"We're going to man up. We're going to go find our girls and see which one of them is the one that's got either a kosher bun or a steamed pork bun in their oven. We're going to promise that it'll be okay. Then we're transferring to a school in New York or Jersey or something and we're going to be the most kick ass dads in the history of the world," Puck insisted, all the former panic and worry gone, his tone now confident and reassuring.
"Do you think Rutgers would still need us for football? We could probably transfer real easy," Mike nodded.
"I know for a fact that Rutgers wouldn't be opposed," Puck shrugged. He could feel Mike's questioning eyes on him and after a few minutes of silent driving he admitted, "I made the call last semester to their recruiter. They totally were into it. I let Rachel know three weeks ago."
"She freaked?" Mike furrowed his brow.
"Wept like a baby at first," Puck shrugged, wincing only slightly at his choice of words. "Then she got all weird, like I was giving up my dreams at Penn State because I wanted to be near her. She wept for an hour about Joe-pa for Christ's sake."
"It'll be okay though," Mike said suddenly. "She's scared, if its her that's you know. With child."
"I'm punching you twice once we've stopped the car. You can't say something like that in this truck unless you have a uterus," Puck mumbled. He shrugged and said, "We'll be okay. On Monday, we'll call Rutgers and transfer. Joe-pa hates my guts anyway."
"He keeps calling me Charlie," Mike pouted slightly. The drove in a more comfortable silence then, each wrapped up in his own thoughts about their own girl who may or may not have peed on a stick and discovered their lives had changed. Mike stared out to the other side of the highway and squinted slightly at an unmistakable car. "Pink min-cooper."
"Huh?" Puck demanded. "Rachel?"
"AND TINA! LOOK!" Mike pointed to the opposite side of the highway and sure enough a brightly obnoxious pink Mini Cooper was zooming south while Puck and Mike were zooming north. Rachel was behind the wheel with a determined look on her face as Tina bit anxiously at her nails. "TURN!"
Puck went up over the middle of the highway, straight over the embankment and quickly tailed the girls. Rachel was positively speeding, her little car zooming in and out of the light traffic on the interstate. Puck shook his head in concerned disbelief and muttered, "I'm going to scold her so bad for driving so recklessly."
Mike swallowed back the bile that had made a brief appearance at Puck's own reckless driving and kept his eyes trained on the car that held their respective ladies. He pointed and said, "She's signaling off, must need to go pee…pregnant ladies pee a lot, right?"
"Yeah, Quinn always had to pee. Miss Pillsbury had like, new sanitizing equipment installed in the ladies room…Finn said his mom can't go two minutes without having to pee lately," Puck nodded, following Rachel as her car slid into a rest stop. Both boys spilled from the car chasing after the girls intently. Puck paused for a milli-second before launching a ridiculously strong punch into Mike's bicep. "That's for saying with child in the car!"
Mike cursed and the boys never broke their stride, even as Mike smacked the back of Puck's head. "That's for insulting my fully functioning sperm."
"DUDE!" Puck shrugged. "It was so shocking, I couldn't help but be insulting."
"Fuck you Puckerman!" Mike grumbled as they stood outside of the ladies room Rachel and Tina had entered.
"Oh no, no, no, Fuck YOU Chang!" Puck scoffed.
They stared each other down for exactly three and a half seconds before they each launched themselves at each other. They pummeled each other as they rolled around on the not-quite clear floor of the rest-stop, although it was obvious they were holding back the more potent fighting methods. There were no fists, but more grappling and ridiculous pinching as they tried to expend their sudden anxious energy.
"NOAH PUCKERMAN!"
"MICHAEL CHANG!"
…
…
…
"Shit."
"Fuck."
Rachel and Tina gaped at the boys in complete shock as Puck had Mike in a headlock, with Mike's hands on Puck's chest area, obviously in the middle of a nipple twist. Tina managed a smirk at that until Mike removed his hands. The boys struggled to their feet and each swallowed nervously, completely in sync. Mike looked to Tina, and her dancing eyes and smirking face coupled with her simultaneous shock and joy at seeing him was all the answer he needed. He was completely off the hook. Tina wouldn't be looking at him with what they had deemed the secret sparkle of Asian Fusion naughty time if she was the one. He winced slightly for his friend before he reached out and grabbed for Tina, pulling her into a bone crushing hug as they both giggled.
Puck clenched his jaw as Rachel looked at him with uncertain, tear-filled eyes.
Shit.
He walked towards Rachel and dropped to his knees in front of her, his hands encircling her waist as he placed his head against her abdomen. He breathed out a strangled sob as she let her hands rest gently on the top of his head. He couldn't help the smile as he pressed lips to her abdomen, and whispered, "I love you so much. Please Rach, please we can work through this."
"Noah?" Rachel whispered unknowingly. "How did you-how can you be here?"
"Chang had a creepy Asian vision. I'm coming to Rutgers baby, don't argue. I love you too much. I love our little guy in there too much. I'm not staying so far away. I love you, Rach."
"I love you too, Noah," Rachel smiled, her tears easily slipping from the corners of her eyes. She shook her head suddenly and broke out of the trance his earnest hazel gaze had set her in and said, "What little guy?"
"Okay, okay, our little guy or girl. Our little bundle of cells or zygotes or whatever it is right now," Puck shrugged, kissing her abdomen again. "Whatever it is, I love it."
"Noah?" Rachel breathed. "Are you under the assumption that…that I'm with child?"
"He's not going to hit her for that," Mike grumbled to Tina obnoxiously.
"You're not…but Chang said-moody, and he heard you guys talking about a baby….and you were all facebook despairing and shit," Puck rambled helplessly.
"I'm not…I was in despair because of our brief separation," Rachel smiled softly at him.
"And the baby is the Hudson-Hummel baby," Tina piped in. "Carol's in labor. We were heading back home to be there for Kurt and Finn. Didn't you get their call?"
"I ignore Kurt the day after Project Runway," Mike explained.
"I ignore Hudson the day after One Tree Hill," Puck shrugged, standing up and reaching out for Rachel, giving her a proper hug.
The girls laughed and squirmed away from their idiot boys and began walking towards the vending machines in search of appropriate snacks for the rest of their journey. The boys stared at each other in disbelief. Each with a hint of a smile on his face. Mike was the first to speak,
"Dude. We be insane."
Puck rolled his eyes and said, "We? Shit. YOU be stupid."
"You were on your knees…" Mike began.
"I'm gonna kill you!" Puck insisted, lunging for his friend again.
"Boys? When you're done being stupid? We'll be heading back to Lima," Tina rolled her eyes.
"I love you babe!" Noah called out before screaming out in horror as Mike bit him in retaliation for the wet willy he had just inflicted.
"I love you too, Noah. You marvelous idiot."