A Hard Decision.
After Severus left the hospital wing he went out into the fresh air to think about what to do with Harry. Should he spank the boy? Harry need to learn to trust Severus' word. Severus was a man who prided himself on always keeping his promises. But why did it feel wrong to him to do as he had promised when it came to Harry's well deserved punishment? When he punished his Snakes, he never gave it a second thought. What was different with Harry?
Did he feel more responsible to do everything right for Harry? But he felt responsible for his Snakes, too.
Maybe his hesitation was caused by the guilt he felt? He hadn't been available when the boy needed him. He really should have explained things to Harry before he'd left, but there had been no time. That damned Albus had come to him early in the morning and informed him that they would be visiting the Dursleys immediately. Severus had tried to talk some sense into the old man, but Albus answered all his arguments with the same answer: This is the only possible solution that doesn't raise any suspicious. So Severus had been far too distracted to think of informing Harry before they left for the Dursleys.
The second thing he couldn't have foreseen was the stubbornness and the disobliging nature of the small-brained muggles. As soon as Petunia recognized Severus she had ranted for a good hour about not wanting him in her house.
Severus shook his head. He really didn't want to think about her now. It was Harry and a proper punishment for him that he needed to be thinking about. What will happen if I do not spank the boy? What good come of this decision? Will Harry still learn to trust me and my word?
Well, if he changed his mind, then Harry would learn that even adults make wrong decisions and that not all adults hide their mistakes. It would show Severus in a light in which Severus wasn't sure he wanted to be shown. He was always a person of authority and not someone who might admit to error. Backing down from a promised punishment was a dangerous precedent to set with any student.
But then, Harry was more than just any student. Severus sighed. Realizing for the first time where he had gone. It was a small open area of grass at the side of the lake. Severus used to meet here with Lily in his schooldays.
"Oh Lily, what would you do?" Severus said to himself. "I know James Potter got spanked by his dad, when he misbehaved - not that it changed anything in his attitude - and maybe James would spank Harry too. But if he were alive this whole situation would be different."
Severus sank into the grass and tried to remember Lily before she married James; before everything spun out of control when Severus called Lily a mudblood. Severus closed his eyes and let his mind drift away.
…
"Hi, Sev, how was your holiday?" Lily asked.
"Hi, Lily, don't ask," Sev said with a pained expression. Sitting down next to Lily on the grass and pulling off his shoes, he put his feet into the cool water of the lake.
"What happened? Did he go after you again?" Lily whispered.
"He got himself drunk again, yes," Severus said without going into more details, but Lily already knew what he meant.
"I heard James got himself in trouble again with his dad."
"So what? You can't compare his spanking with what my so called dad did."
"No, of course not. You know, I really don't see the point of hitting a child. Beating or spanking, all of it seems wrong. What does it change in anybody? Do you get the impression James is different after a spanking? He's still the same arrogant and careless fool he was before. I admit I have no idea what would be a proper punishment for someone like James, but spanking does nothing to him. A smarting behind for one or two hours and all is forgotten. That's rubbish!"
"Well, I would be happy to witness one of James' spankings. Here in school he never really gets punished for anything," Severus said, offended.
"Oh, Sev." Playfully Lily splashed some water at Severus.
"Hey!" Severus protested but Lily giggled.
Then both of them went silent for a while, until Lily said "If I ever have children, I will never raise a hand against them."
"So what will you do if one of your children does something dangerous or something that would bring others into danger?" Severus asked curiously.
"I will talk to them first, or if I was too angry at them, I'd send them to their rooms until I calmed down and then talk to them."
"And what will you do if talking doesn't get you anywhere?" Severus pricked his ears.
"Take away some privileges, something that really means something to them, until I can trust them again," Lily said confidently.
"In James' case it would be his broom?" Severus asked.
"That or the annoying snitch he always plays with," Lily agreed.
"And if this still doesn't work?"
"Then I would take away more privileges."
"But then he will get more bored and play more pranks to entertain himself."
"Well, then he will get chores that keep his mind occupied!"
"And when he refuses to do the chores?"
Lily arched an eyebrow at Severus. "You ask a lot of questions. I hope my children would love me enough not to be so disrespectful."
Severus smirked. "Do you think James doesn't love his dad?"
Lily got serious. "I think something isn't right between them. Why would James behave like that, if he respects and loves his dad? And why would James' dad spank him and then ignore everything if he really loves James? I think parents who love their children shouldn't just spank them and then say 'okay, all forgotten.' Parents who really care about their children should try to point out the mistake in their child's behavior and give the child a chance to see their mistake and its consequents. A child should learn to ask questions and not fear his parents!"
Severus whistled. "Wow, you will be a brilliant mother!"
Lily giggled again "Thanks. But first of all I need the right boy!"
Severus looked at Lily questioningly "So? What about me then?"
Lily smiled warmly at Severus but didn't answer.
…
With this lingering image of Lily's smile Severus left his musings. He had nearly forgotten about this talk with Lily. And he was very grateful that he remembered now, because now he had his question answered about what Lily would do.
But Lily was a different person from Severus.
Severus still wasn't sure what he should decide. He wondered what kind of person he would have become if Lily had married him instead of James, but then he stopped himself again. What was the point thinking about what could have happened? He was here and now, and he had to come up with a decision.
So the question was still whether to spank Harry so he would learn that Severus was a man who stands by his words, or to not spank Harry but talk about his mistake instead. But Harry knew his mistake already, Severus was sure. And what was the consequence of Harry's mistake? Severus learned that Harry still didn't trust him enough. So neither could Severus trust Harry entirely. But that meant the two would have to work to build that trust.
But what way would make Harry trust Severus more?
A grumbling stomach signaled Severus that dinner was served, and the professor headed back to the castle. At the sight of his colleagues, that is at the sight of Minerva, a new thought hit Severus. How would Ron and Hermione get punished?
"Severus, how is Harry? I still hadn't time to visit him." Minerva asked as Severus took his seat beside her.
"He is fine. I… erm, I wanted to ask you something. Can we talk after dinner?"
Minerva looked questioningly at her colleague but nodded. They met later in McGonagall's office.
-oxo-
"So, Severus. What can I do for you?" Minerva asked curiously.
"I wanted to know how you handled this whole situation with the stone," Severus replied.
"You mean how I punished my lions?" At Severus' nod, Minerva went on, "Well, you know I do not approve of corporal punishment, but I had to admit I felt the urge to smack them this time. But of course I didn't."
"So what did you do instead?"
"I informed their parents. Mr. Weasley's mother came to Hogwarts the day Mr. Weasley left the hospital wing. She asked me if she could use my office for a talk with her son. Young Weasley left my office walking rather stiffly, so I presume that this 'talk' involved more than just words."
Severus nodded while Minerva continued, "Mr. Granger asked me if it was okay for him to wait to discuss the situation with his daughter until Ms. Granger got home. I agreed, so I don't know what punishment awaits her. But he didn't sound like he planned to spank the girl. He seemed to be more concerned about the danger his daughter had got herself into.
"As for breaking the school rules I took points and assigned three detentions to Mr. Weasley and Ms. Granger. I plan to do the same with Mr. Potter, so I delayed the detentions until Mr. Potter is fit to join his friends."
Again Severus just nodded. So one child was spanked, the other probably not. So he still didn't know what to do with Harry.
"May I ask what you plan to do with Mr. Potter?" Minerva was curious. She thought it was plain what Severus would do, but why was he here asking her about what she did?
"I admit I haven't decided yet," Severus said uncomfortably.
"No? Weren't you the one talking about rules and consequences? You seemed to have a clear mind about what kind of punishment you would give out. So why are you still thinking about what to do?"
"Because nothing is easy when it comes to Potter," Severus sighed.
Minerva arched an eyebrow and studied Severus questioningly.
"I promised Potter early this school year that I would spank him if he got near Fluffy again. But I've learned so much about the boy during the school year. He is sensitive and emotionally fragile. And mostly he acted with the intention to protect his friends. They mean everything to him. No adult can mess with a friend of Potter. He learned for ten years that he could not trust adults. So I fear I expected too much of him trusting me. This whole stone incident went out of control because of me."
"You?" Minerva's eyes grew wide.
"Yes. I asked Potter to come to me if he felt the stone wasn't safe any longer. But then I wasn't there."
"You were at the Dursleys," Minerva remembered.
"Yes. And you told him so," Severus said, still angry about this act of indiscretion.
"He was so upset. How was I to know he would go after the stone because of that?"
"I don't think that was the only reason why Harry did it, but with the feeling of betrayal the last thing holding him back fell away."
"So you don't want to spank the boy because you feel guilty?" Minerva asked.
Severus looked tortured. "I don't know."
It was silent for a while, but then Minerva asked: "Why did you decided to spank your Snakes as punishment in the first place? Do you think it helps you and your students?"
Severus looked at Minerva for a long time: "Most parents of my Snakes expect me to keep a strong hold over the students. And most of my Snakes fear this punishment and keep themselves out of trouble to avoid it. I rarely have to administer a spanking. Only a few of my Snakes earn themselves a spanking twice, so I believe it is an effective instrument to keep my students in line."
"But you don't think it would keep Mr. Potter in line?"
"Maybe it would, but at what cost? Most of my students trust me. They trust me to keep them safe and they trust that I act in their interest. But Harry does not trust me that much, why would he? Those stupid muggles damaged this boy so much. Somehow I think it is more important to gain the boy's full trust before I can start on working on his behavior. I'm not sure, but I think that the key of keeping the boy out of trouble lies in gaining his full trust. But how do I gain his full trust? Isn't the best way of gaining trust always keeping your word?"
"I see your problem," Minerva confessed. "But this way is more the authoritarian one. There are other ways to gain someone's trust. To show the boy that even you can make mistakes and are ready to admit them, would be a different way, a more amicable one. And you said no adult could mess with a friend of Potter, so maybe you should take that route. But in the end it is your own decision, nobody can make it for you, because regardless of what you choose, you should stand fully behind your actions. In my opinion this is the most important thing - not to show uncertainty."
Severus thought about that for some time but finally he stood up and said. "Thank you for your time, Minerva."
"Anytime, Severus," Minerva answered, "And good luck."
-oxo-
Harry was sitting nervously in his chair next to Professor Snape's desk. Madam Pomfrey had released him just a few hours ago. He had been at lunch with his friends when he received Professor Snape's message to meet him in his office after classes.
Severus was seated in his chair behind the desk and studied the nervous bundle before him.
"Harry, I'm sure you realized by now that you still do not trust me, regardless whether you wish to or not," Severus started and noticed that the boy gulped and braced himself for a long lecture. "I know, I cannot expect wonders and it will take time for you to learn how to trust. I'm used to gaining and keeping trust by sticking to my word and I expect others to keep theirs in return."
Severus paused as he noticed Harry opened his mouth and closed it with a snap again, "What is it?" Severus asked.
Harry blushed. He hadn't thought that he was allowed to join in the conversation. "Erm…" he stuttered uncertainly.
Severus didn't continue but waited for Harry, and eventually the boy asked, "Why didn't you just tell me where you went? You just vanished. I wanted to talk to you. I really wanted to. But you were missing. I'd just learned that Hagrid got the dragon's egg because he told the stranger how to calm Fluffy. I sprinted to your office immediately but you weren't here. I felt so lost," Harry admitted in a hurt voice.
Severus sighed inwardly. He already assumed how Harry must have felt, but to hear it from the boy made it all clear again how desperate this boy had been.
"I never relied on somebody before and it's not nice to find out that this somebody vanished the moment I needed him most. Even Dumbledore wasn't there and McGonagall didn't believe us. You see? I really tried. I tried not to act independently, but there was nobody who would help me." Harry hung his head and a lonely tear escaped his eye. "It was like always: nobody was there." The last words were barely audible but Severus heard them nonetheless.
"And then you learned from Professor McGonagall where I was," Severus said to break the silence.
Harry nodded. "I felt betrayed. Nobody who talked with my uncle was still on my side afterwards. I was sure it would be the same with you," he admitted guiltily.
"I can understand why you would feel that way. But I still wonder why your trust into me is so limited."
"I don't know either. I guess Hermione's doubt infected me somehow. And when you weren't here when I needed you, the doubt took me over."
"Ms. Granger's doubt?" Severus repeated, arching an eyebrow.
"Well, Hermione asked me to be more careful around you. She thought it possible that you were just pretending to be there for me. She was concerned. At first I didn't listen to her. But when you vanished, all her words came back. I didn't know what to think anymore."
The more the boy explained, the more Severus understood Harry's situation. The boy really had felt lost. He felt the urge to hug Harry and at the same time to strangle Ms. Granger and Minerva.
"Harry, I am not just pretending to care about you," Severus said firmly. "I really do care for you. I was as shocked as you were when I learned Professor Dumbledore's plan. The headmaster visited me early in the morning. I tried to argue but without success. So we left. It was before breakfast. I had no time to tell you anything and I admit I didn't think about it. But in the evening I somehow felt your distress, that's why I asked Professor McGonagall to check on you. I should have come back immediately."
More tears found their way down Harry's cheeks. "I'm really sorry," the boy whispered.
"I know you are," Severus replied and a long silence followed.
Harry chewed on his under lip while Severus' gaze went distant.
"Professor?" Harry broke the silence.
Severus focused back on the boy.
"What will happen now?" Harry's voice was shaking.
"You mean the spanking I promised you?" Severus asked.
Harry closed his eyes for a short moment and then nodded once.
"That's the question of the day, isn't it?" Severus said.
"Sir?" Harry didn't understand.
"Harry, we both made mistakes. And maybe I asked too much of you with these promises you gave to me. I wanted you to stay out of danger and I wanted you to learn to trust me. Therefore you should learn that I mean what I say. I promised you something and I should stick to my word."
Harry nodded and gulped. Better to get it over with, he thought and stood up. Before Severus could react, the boy placed himself over the desk, bracing for the first blow.
"Harry, what-" Severus started but was interrupted by the boy.
"I'm sorry, Sir!" Harry stood up again and started to unbutton his trousers.
Severus took both of Harry's hands and said, "Stop that!"
"Sir?" Harry was bewildered and fearful.
"I never actually said I was going to spank you," Severus pointed out.
"But you said you should stick to your word so I can learn to trust you. I want to trust you, Sir, really! Please believe me!" Harry sobbed desperately.
"Shhhhh, child! I do believe you!" Severus said and pulled Harry into a hug. "But I hope you will learn to trust me even if I don't spank you."
"But you promised…" Harry said still confused.
Severus suddenly acted on impulse; he turned Harry around and applied two light swats to Harry's rear end. Then he turned the boy back and hugged him again. "There. Happy now!" he asked in a soft teasing voice.
Shocked that he got out of trouble so easily, Harry started crying heartbrokenly, snuggling deeper into Severus' embrace. Severus didn't know how long he stood there, holding the boy against his chest. The more Harry cried the more uncertain Severus got. Did he do the right thing? Was it wrong to deliver those two smacks? Or would it have been better for the boy if he had gotten a real spanking?
But as Severus had watched Harry placing himself over the desk, Severus had felt it was wrong. He realized that he could never spank the boy. Harry was far too hurt and scarred already from the muggles.
Finally Severus sat down again, taking the boy onto his lap. He started to rub circles on Harry's back to help him calm down. It took Harry some time but in the end his sobs eased and the boy went silent, except some hiccups.
-o-
"Harry?"
Harry pressed his face deeper into the fabric of Severus' cloak. He felt so ashamed, he was sure he wasn't able to look at Snape ever again. He had acted like a baby and made a fool out of himself.
He hadn't let Professor Snape finish and misunderstood the direction of the talk. He had been so sure Snape would spank him. And he really did not consider those two swats a spanking because they didn't hurt a bit. These two swats made it clear to Harry that Snape was not about to spank him. But why didn't he? Harry still didn't understand. What was his punishment instead?
"Harry, come on. Look at me!" Severus said and tried to pull Harry a bit away to look the boy into the eyes.
"No!" Harry mumbled and clung to Severus chest in a strong hold.
"Harry James Potter. Stop this hide-and-seek. You are a Gryffindor; where is your courage?"
Still the boy didn't move or loosen his grip. Severus sighed. Then an idea struck him. If he stood up, the boy would slide down. But as Severus stood up the boy's feet came around the professor and then Harry hung from him like a spider monkey.
"Harry, really. How old are you?" Severus sighed, but Harry just mumbled something unintelligible.
"Shall I go to the Great Hall in this fashion? Maybe you want to sit on my lap while I spoon-feed you?" Severus asked teasingly.
At these words Harry's head suddenly shot up, just missing Severus chin "You would do that?" he asked innocently, eyes wide.
Severus had thought Harry would protest immediately at this suggestion and finally let go of him, so he was stunned by the boy's question. "Erm… no!"
"Too bad," Harry pouted.
Severus took a step forward and placed Harry on his desktop. Harry loosened his grip and let himself sit down.
"Too bad? Harry, what are you talking about? Wouldn't that be embarrassing?"
Harry just shook one shoulder. "What does it matter?" he said in a low voice.
Severus carefully placed two fingers under the boy's chin and lifted Harry's head. "What's wrong?"
Harry looked at his professor but then cast his eyes down. "I don't want to go back there," he whispered.
"I know," Severus said and released Harry's chin again. Then it grew silent in Snape's office for a long time. Harry swung his legs back and forth, thinking.
Suddenly Harry jerked his head. "Why Mrs. Figg? Why will you stay with her? She's a muggle."
"Well, not exactly. She can't cast spells, but she knows the wizarding world, because she is a squib."
"What's that?" Harry asked, confused.
"A squib is someone born in a wizard family without any magical talents. It's the reverse of being a muggleborn wizard," Severus explained.
Harry knitted his eye brows, "Does she know that I'm a wizard?"
"Yes."
Harry's legs stopped swinging immediately. The boy looked shocked by the news.
"Why did she never tell me then?" he asked in a hurt voice.
"She wasn't allowed to," Severus said gently.
Harry shook his head in disbelief, "Why not? It would have made things a whole lot easier. If I had known before that magic really exists and that I'm a wizard, I would have understood what happened to me. I would have had someone to talk to. Maybe it would have helped me with the accidental magic. And then Uncle Vernon wouldn't have been so angry with me. Why wasn't I allowed to know?"
Severus sighed. He shook his head to show the outraged boy that he didn't know either.
Harry folded his arms and looked like he wanted to kill someone. He didn't look at his professor as he knew Snape was innocent, so he stared holes into the floor.
"Why can't I stay at Hogwarts? It is safe, isn't it?" Harry asked, still grumpy.
"During the holidays with most teachers away the wards aren't as strong as during the school year."
"But why do I have to stay the two weeks at the Dursleys? Why can't we move right to this house you said?"
"Professor Dumbledore has to check the wards first and spruce it up a bit," Severus explained.
Harry cast a skeptical eye at Snape. "And this takes him two weeks?"
Severus couldn't help it; he smiled at the boy. "Probably not."
"But why-" Harry started.
Severus put his two hands up and Harry stopped midsentence. Then the professor sighed and paced the room. "What did Professor Dumbledore told you about the events of your encounter with Professor Quirrell? Did he tell you why the Professor couldn't touch you without being hurt?"
"Erm… He told me that my mother left some kind of protection on me as she died," Harry remembered.
"Yes. But to refresh this protection you have to live with your mother's bloodline. And the only living relatives of the same bloodline are your aunt Petunia Dursley and cousin Dudley."
Harry frowned, deep in thought. "But," he started again, "why do I need this protection? Do you think Vol… I mean… You-Know-Who… do you think he will try and attack me again?"
"What do you think, Harry?" Severus returned the question.
Harry pouted. "This sucks! Why me? What did I do to him, that he wants me dead? Why can't he just leave me alone? It's not like I'm hunting him down or something."
Severus went silent and studied the boy. Harry was young and Severus understood why Dumbledore didn't want to tell Harry about the prophecy. But Severus also knew that sooner or later Harry had to know about it, but… maybe later.
"At first the Dark Lord has to find a way to come back. Until then he won't be able to hurt you, but you still have to be careful. Nobody knows what he is up to this time."
"I never asked about that," Harry said in a sad voice.
"I know, but do you realize that your mother saved a lot of people? With her death and her protection over you she overthrew the Dark Lord's plans. For over ten years nothing was heard or seen of the Dark Lord. So maybe it will be ten more years before he will actually find a way back. You should feel proud about her. I understand that you miss her, but that tragic night did accomplish great good."
Harry looked pained, but slowly he nodded. "She saved thousands of people."
A single tear found its way down the boy's cheek. Angrily Harry swept it away. Then it went silent once more.
"You-know-who promised me to bring back my mother and my father if I handed the stone over to him," Harry told him in a low voice.
"He did?"
"Yeah, and I was tempted to give in."
"So why didn't you?" Severus asked curiously.
"Because it felt wrong. As much as I wish my parents to live, I do not really know them. But I know people I care deeply for. And the idea that this monster could hurt them if he would get back to his full power was unbearable."
Severus looked at Harry in astonishment. This little boy had the same big heart as his mother and despite his young age he was very wise.
"I'm proud of you!" Severus suddenly said, and in that moment he really was.
"You are?" Harry asked uncertainly. Nobody had ever said something like that to him.
Severus just nodded and before he could react, small arms wrapped around him. He hugged Harry back but as the boy didn't want to release him again, he sighed and said "No, not again!"
Harry chuckled but didn't let go.