Beyond Repair
By: Lesera128
Rated: M
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am just playing in someone else's sandbox….
Summary: Secrets abound as Skye reluctantly returns to Australia at AJ's behest despite the fact its where her marriage to Jax ended in disaster the previous year. AU. Skye/Jax. SAX.
Author's Note: I am reposting some of the older works that I have saved on my harddrive. Old-time SAX fans may remember this story. It was originally posted under my other penname [MuseofJaynor] at the Skye messageboard fan fiction archive. Many people already know this, but in case you were wondering, yeah, that was me.
It took several moments of staring out the tiny window of the office before Skye was distracted enough to actually force herself out of the pool of self-pity that she normally inhabited any time she was alone and allowed to reflect on her life. The crashing of the waves on the Australian coast were enough to get her attention in their pristine beauty. Staring at the aquiline blue of the seashore, for merely a split second Skye was able to appreciate them for their natural beauty. And, then, the simple act of staring at one of nature's majestic wonders was ruined for Skye. For in her brain, the color of the waves were too similar in nature to another color that had blazed at Skye from a set of eyes she had come to love and adore. Just as so many things in her life were clouded by her tragic and devastatingly disastrous past, so too was that color.
How often had she gazed into those eyes? How often had she thought that if she stared just a little longer into them that she would become lost forever and willing drown in the brilliant depths? How many times had those oh so familiar eyes flashed at her, betraying the emotional status of their owner? How many times had she seen anger, disappointment, love, lust, compassion, desire, annoyance, frustration, happiness, and lastly, utter and disconsolate sadness?
She couldn't rightly say. All Skye could admit that those eyes were what she remembered most vividly about him. Some of her other memories were fading- the way he would smile when she woke up in his arms; the way his hair smelled of his brand of shampoo just after getting out of the shower; the way his skin would glisten with sweat as the sun beat down on him as he ran on the beach; the way his voice would sound when it was thick with desire for her…. Yes, Skye couldn't quite remember these things as easily as she once could, but his eyes. His eyes she would never forget, if for no other reason than the way they had stared at her in utter bewildered confusion as she had run away, despite the fact of his pleadings to the contrary.
"I am sorry, Jax. I'm so sorry," Skye whispered out loud, admitting to herself what she had never said to him before she lost the chance to do so.
For some reason, Skye could feel her eyes beginning to water again. Shaking her head in disgust, she quickly brushed them away before they were allowed to fall. She would not do that again.
"Come on, Skye. Get a grip on yourself. You've shed enough tears for him. Crying won't bring him back, and that's all there is to it," Skye muttered, as she straightened herself up and reached for a nearby portfolio. Concentrating on the only thing she had left in her life- her work, Skye began to focus on that which was the last link to retaining her sanity in this place where she had almost lost that along with her soul and all that made Skye Skye.
Several minutes passed as Skye concentrated on the ELQ contract she held in her hands. A red ink pen clutched in one hand, she absentmindedly crossed through one questionable paragraph in the document to bring to the attention of the legal department for rewording before the contract was sent out to be finalized.
Thus, Skye was somewhat caught off guard when she heard an ear-piercing screech emanate from in front of her. Startled, Skye looked up. It took her a moment to discern the source of the noise when she saw nothing but empty space in front of the desk. Her eyes eventually focused on the baby monitor that Carly had left. Although muted, it still easily conveyed the wailing of the baby. Combined with the slight reverberation through the walls, Skye bit her lip as she tried to ignore the crying. It continued for several moments, becoming only louder as the seconds ticked on.
At last, Skye dropped her pen, and clasped her hands tightly together. She glared at the baby monitor as she muttered, "My God, what a set of lungs that kid's got. Where is that baby-sitter?"
Shaking her head, Skye picked the pen up again, and attempted to concentrate on her work. However, as the seconds ticked past, the crying only got louder and more intense. Skye sighed as she shook her head.
"I am not going to get up. I am not going to go near her. Carly said that there was a baby-sitter here. She'll take care of the baby," Skye said, as she waged a battle in her.
One voice was screeching at her in her consciousness, urging her to do something, almost in tune with the cries of the baby.
"But, what if she can't hear her? What if she's gotten tangled in her blankets and is trapped? Or what if she was trapped in the crib somehow? What if something is wrong with Sydney, and she needs help?" Skye whispered to herself in an unusually frightful tone.
Shaking her head, Skye fought the battle between her two halves. The voice in her head that was yelling, almost begging her to go to the baby continued to get louder as the one calming voice in her head tried to reassure Skye with sane logic that she just needed to stay where she was grew fainter.
Already clearly torn, one particularly loud screech was enough to drive Skye over the edge. Pushing herself up from the desk, she quickly strode out of the office. Turning a corner, she felt a knot twist in her stomach. The door was closed, and the baby's cries were steadily growing worse. Grabbing the door knob firmly, Skye turned it once and flung the door open. She barely noticed the soft purples, blues, and greens of the nursery as her eyes focused on the crib. Located in front of a set of bay windows that overlooked the beach as Carly had predicted, the large white crib was Skye's only concern. Reaching it in a couple of steps, her heart nearly stopped as she looked down into the crib. The baby was twisting and turning, her face wet with tears. She was howling and turning red from the frustration of being ignored. Skye couldn't see any visible reason as to what was causing the baby's discomfort, and that was enough to stop her instinct from reaching down and picking the baby up.
However, as soon as the baby glanced up at her crib and saw that a face was there watching her, familiar or not, her screams grew louder.
"No, Skye. No. Don't pick her up. You can't. If you do, you might not be able to put her back. She's fine. Let her be," Skye muttered to herself.
As the baby continued to scream, at last something snapped in Skye. Reaching down into the crib, she gathered the baby into her arms in one fluid movement. The child's cries lessened a little bit as soon as she was in Skye's arms. Resting her against her right shoulder, Skye began to caress the baby's back in a gentle rhythm.
"Please, Sydney, don't cry. Please don't cry," Skye whispered soothingly at the baby.
Walking around the room, Skye gently rocked her, but she only continued to cry.
Checking her diaper and seeing that it was dry, Skye attempted to give the baby a bottle that was sitting on the nearby changing table. The milk was cold, and Sydney would have none of it. Refusing it, she began to cry loudly again. Skye began to panic as she held the baby up to her own eyes.
"Please don't cry, Sydney. Mommy's here. Please don't cry. Shhhhh," Skye whispered.
Walking around the room, Skye continued to try and ease the baby with her voice. Nothing seemed to work. Exasperated, Skye spotted a white rocking chair in the far corner of the room. Going over to it and sitting down, she held Sydney against her shoulder again and began to rock.
"Syd, come on, sweetie. Please don't cry. Mommy's here. Please stop crying, Syd. Please, sweetie. I know you've got enough of me in you to be a big pain in the butt, but you've got too much of your Daddy in you not to stop crying. Please, sweetie, please."
For some reason, the baby's cries seem to ease as Skye continued to rock. A few moments passed, and the baby's cries levied to a light sobbing.
"That's my good girl, Syd. That Mommy's girl." Skye sighed to herself as she looked down at the baby. "But, who am I kidding? I say 'Mommy' and you aren't expecting me, are you? You waiting for Carly to show up, not that anyone can blame you. It's not like this whole mess isn't one big complicated jumble of Lord knows what…."
Continuing to rock, a few more moments passed. At last Sydney's breathing returned to normal as she stopped crying. Standing up, Skye looked around and her eyes focused on a nearby pacifier. Grabbing it, Skye took it and offered it to the baby. Sydney eagerly took it on the first try. Skye smiled to herself as she nodded. "Ahh. So that's it. Teething, are we?"
Skye took a finger and stroked the baby's cheek. The gentle sucking of the baby on the pacifier was rhythmic. The baby's head was still resting against Skye's shoulder. However, suddenly she moved it, and stared up at the woman holding her. It nearly broke Skye's heart as she did so.
"Oh, now come on, Syd. Please don't do that. Please don't look at me like that," Skye said softly.
The baby only continued to gaze at Skye.
Sighing, Skye shook her head. "Now, that's not fair. That's not fair. Staring into a set of eyes like this only gets me into trouble. It was bad enough when I had one set to deal with, and now I have two-"
Her voiced trailed off as Skye bit her lower lip. She then added softly, "Or at least I did."
Skye turned away from the baby, blinking back tears again. When she at last looked down, Sydney was still staring at her. Skye moved back to the rocking chair, and gently began to move back and forth again. Sydney settled her head back against Skye's shoulder once more, content for the moment. Skye sighed as she looked down at the baby. She couldn't help herself as her lips came down to gently brush the downy wisps of auburn hair on the baby's head. It was so soft, and Sydney smelled so good- of warm milk and baby powder.
"Oh, Sydney, my girl. What a mess your Mommy's made. What a mess. But, at least you're safe. I was able to do that much at least. A.J. and Carly are good people. I know they love you more than life itself. And they can give you the family and the home that I never had and could never have give you."
Skye sighed.
"Carly's right. You are a good baby. You're Daddy would be proud of you."
She was silent for a moment.
"A.J. is a good man, Syd. He loves you as if you were his own. And if Jax couldn't be your father, than the only other man on this earth that I would entrust you to would be A.J. He'll always be there for you- never let you down. He and Carly would die for you. But, oh, how I wish you could have known your Daddy."
Looking up, Skye glanced around the room for the first time. On the far dresser table, she couldn't help but focus on a plaque decorated with the baby's name and date of birth.
"Sydney Quartermaine, ehh? Well, I suppose since you're a part of me, that's not completely inaccurate. But it's not the complete truth. People around here may think that, but I know better, don't I? Yes, I do. Sydney Jayna Jacks. My daughter. My beautiful baby girl."
Skye sighed again as she stared at the small miracle she held in her hands, at last caving to reliving the last flood of memories she had been fighting back since she had arrived in Australia. In an almost surreal journey, Skye began to relive that night all over again.
It was late. She had spent most of the day on the beach reading. Coming back late, Skye had slipped into her room quietly. She was too tired and didn't want to have to deal with him again. He had stormed off in anger that morning, and when she had first returned to the house, she had heard him arguing with Carly. She found it slightly amusing when it had been precisely about Carly they had argued that morning.
Thus, Skye was surprised when she heard her bedroom door knob softly turn and the door push gently open. Turning from where she sat at her vanity, she was slightly startled as he entered the room.
"Why are you here?" she said as she pulled her robe tightly against her.
Jax stared at her with interest, curious as to her reasons for modesty. He shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be here? This is where I want to be."
Skye stood up and pointed at the door that he had just shut behind him. His indifference seemed to have given her a second wind as she felt her anger flare anew. "You're lying."
"No, I'm not. I have no reason to lie, Skye." Jax said simply.
Skye shook her head confused. "But, why are you here with me if you are in love with her?"
"What are you talking about? I don't-" Jax began to protest.
Skye cut him off as she raised an arm and pointed it at him. "Stop it, Jax. Just stop it. I know, okay? I know you love her."
Jax stared at her in amazement. "What would ever make you think something like that?"
Skye threw her arms wide into the arm as she looked at him. "Admit it, you are only here with me because you and she had a fight. I'm only second choice. A pale substitute at best."
Jax shrugged. "Yes, we argued. But what does that have to do with us?"
"Everything!" Skye shot back at him.
His own anger beginning to seethe again, his own voice shouted back at her. "Nothing!"
Skye's own voice grew louder. "Then, tell me that you don't love her. Tell me that you don't love, Carly."
"I don't love, Carly! I never have and never will."
"Liar!" Skye shot at him. "You're lying."
Jax sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. "Haven't we gone over this enough? I thought you got this out of your system this morning. Carly and I are business partners. Nothing more."
"Maybe not yet, but admit it. You would take her to bed this instant if she offered herself to you."
Jax's only reply was laughter. This only served to infuriate Skye more.
"Admit it, Jax. Just admit it. Admit you find her attractive."
Jax shrugged. "Fine. I admit it. Carly is a beautiful woman. Very sexy. Very desirable."
Skye's eyes narrowed. She choked back a sob as she moved forward and slapped Jax in the face. The blow was completely unexpected, and Jax was shocked at the action, not to mention amazed at how hard Skye could hit.
Crossing her arms, Skye said loudly, a bitterness evident in her voice. "I knew it. I just knew it. You are nothing but a lying, two-timing, whoring bastard-"
Jax immediately moved forward. He grabbed Skye by the shoulders. As if to shake sense into her, Jax said, "Skye, stop it." Jax said as he looked at her. "Just because I think my business partner is a beautiful woman does not me I want to have sex with her."
"Why not? There's precedent," she said sorrowfully.
Jax's brow furrowed at her. "Precedent? What precedent? What are you talking about?"
Skye simply shook her head. "That's how our relationship started out, wasn't it?"
The loud voices could be heard down the hall. The closer Carly got to the source, the more she was drawn to the conversation. She had come to look for Jax to apologize, but instead found herself being drawn into the argument.
"Oh, don't even go there, Skye. Just don't." Jax said as he stared at Skye. Her chest was heaving as she fought to contain her anger.
"Then, if it's not true, tell me you don't love her." Skye flung at him.
Jax stared down into Skye's eyes, and was not surprised to see the anger blazing there. But when he saw the feelings of hurt and confusion and fear mixed in, his heart broke. He loosened his grip slightly as he said, "All right. Fine. I don't love her. I never did. And I never will."
Skye shook her head. "You're just saying that."
"Skye, I have never loved Carly. I NEVER had feelings for her like that. Frankly, she's just not my type. There's only one person I love, and it's you. Don't you know that by now?"
Shaking her head, Skye said, "You're lying to me again."
Although he had come close to breaching her defenses, Jax sighed in frustration as Skye quickly mounted new ones. His anger flared as he tightened his grip and pulled her so tightly up against him that he could feel the warmth of her skin through the thin silk wrap she was wearing. "Look, just stop it, all right? I didn't come here to argue with you too. I've had about all I can take of arguing with the various females in my life right now."
"What do you want from me?" Skye asked softly in resignation. She too had suddenly become aware of Jax's physical nearness. Although he was wet from walking in the rain, she could still feel the warmth of his skin - feel the race of his heart, and it filled her head with a lightness that was disturbing.
Jax shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know. All I do know is that I am sick to death of fighting."
"Then don't fight. Just go, like I asked you to." Skye said at last.
The firmness in Jax's response startled her. "No."
"No?" she repeated in surprise.
"No." he said with a dangerous edge in his voice.
"Need I remind you that this is my room?"
"Need I remind you that this is my house?"
"Oh, so you want me to leave now? Is that what this has come to?" Skye said as she struggled to get out of Jax's grasp. He held her firm.
"No. You can do whatever you want. Just like you always do."
"I never get want I want, Jax. Surely, by now, you know that." Skye said as she stopped for a moment in her efforts.
Jax's response was confusing to her as he threw his head back and laughed. "How can you say that?"
"Because it's true." Skye said simply, unsure and with great caution.
"My god, you are too deluded for your own good. What have you ever wanted that you have not found some way to get?" Jax said.
Skye was silent for a moment. She bit her lip, and finally breathed a single word. "You."
"Me?" Jax asked in surprise.
"Yes, you." Skye said softly.
Looking down into her eyes, he nodded at her, "I'm right here."
"Only because you can't be with her." Skye shot back at him again.
The anger again flared as Jax squeezed her shoulders hard. "I already told you that wasn't true. I am where I want to be."
"Then prove it." Skye challenged him.
"How?"
She succeeded in pulling away from Jax and taking a step back. Reaching up to the clasp that held her wet hair piled on her head, Skye pulled it out. Her auburn tresses fell about her in a wild disarray. She then pulled at the ties that held the wrap about her body. It fell to the floor in a single second. Jax felt his mouth grow dry as he stared at Skye. She never broke eye contact with him as she said, "Take me to bed."
That was the last thing that Carly heard before she shook her head and turned away from the closed door. Retreating from whence she came, she disappeared into the darkness as Jax reached an arm forward, pulling Skye towards him. His lips came down to hers in a crushing blow, as the pair stumbled backwards and fell in a tangle of limbs onto the four-poster cherrywood bed.
By the time that Skye came back to the present, she looked down at the now quiet baby. Sydney was dozing again, and this time it was with an unusual naturalness as she rested in the arms of half the pair that had created her.
-TBC-