Beyond Repair
By: Lesera128
Rated: M
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am just playing in someone else's sandbox….
Summary: Secrets abound as Skye reluctantly returns to Australia at AJ's behest despite the fact its where her marriage to Jax ended in disaster the previous year. AU. Skye/Jax. SAX.
Author's Note: I am reposting some of the older works that I have saved on my harddrive. Old-time SAX fans may remember this story. It was originally posted under my other penname [MuseofJaynor] at the Skye messageboard fan fiction archive. Many people already know this, but in case you were wondering, yeah, that was me.
For a split second, Skye allowed herself time to close her eyes and dream. Holding the child that she and Jax had created in her arms for the first time in her life, Skye could almost imagine that the entire 15 months had been nothing but a bad dream. As she continued to move back and forth slowly in the rocking chair, Skye could almost imagine that this house was once again Jax's. She could almost imagine that he was just in the next room waiting for her to come back to bed after taking care of the baby… taking care of THEIR baby. The miraculously innocent life had been conceived in a wave of sweeping insecurities and angry fear on Skye's part, and the response of frustrated resignation and angry reactionism from Jax, coupled with a passionate lust from each.
But, as had become the habit since Sydney's birth that previous summer, Skye allowed herself no more than a few seconds to remain in her dream world. To her, it was a wasted effort, an exercise in futility. For when she opened her eyes, everything was just the same as before. Sydney was still A.J. and Carly's daughter. Jax had been forced out of her life and would never have a chance to come back into it, willingly or not. And Skye was still suffering from a painfully dull ache that had never completely left her after the second night in this house that was a major turning point in her life.
Standing up, Skye carefully moved back to Sydney's crib. She had every intention of putting the baby back to bed, but for some reason, Skye couldn't help herself. Every time she tried to put the baby back into the crib, something pulled at her to stop. Now that Skye had gotten over her fear about acknowledging her child, she found she couldn't give her up just as easily. After the third failed attempt to put her precious bundle back in her crib, Skye shrugged. On the forth time that her hands went into the crib, Skye was successful in her goal as she simply snatched a wool blanket from the baby's bed. Taking the blanket, Skye shifted her daughter slightly, as she covered the baby with the blanket. She then turned and exited the nursery.
Going only one room down the hall, Skye entered her bedroom. The doors to the terrace were still open, and a cool breeze was coming in off the coast. Dusk was beginning to fall, and Skye was grateful that someone had been kind enough to build a fire in the fireplace. The fireplace was close enough to the four-poster cherrywood bed, that Skye could feel its tender warmth, just as she had on that night when she and Jax had come together as one after being a part for so long.
Sitting crossed legged on the bed, Skye settled the dozing child in her lap. Suddenly, Sydney's eyes slowly opened, and Skye found herself staring into Jax's eyes again.
"Come on now, Sydney. You know that's not fair," Skye said as her finger came to trace the soft skin of the baby's cheek. Her daughter merely blinked in response. Skye felt her heart skip a beat.
Just as a stare from the father could send her heart spinning, Skye realized that the gaze of the daughter was just as potentially dangerous.
Skye shook her head. "You're too much like your Daddy for your own good."
She bit her lip as her head suddenly turned in the direction of a strange noise that she heard. The door to the room gently opened, and Skye wasn't really surprised when A.J. came in. A mixture of emotions was on his face as he looked at Skye holding her child. However, he was quick to acknowledge the primary feeling as he smiled at her, relief evident on his face. Speaking quietly, he nodded at her by way of greeting.
"Hey you."
Skye smiled. "You're back."
A.J. crossed his arms as he slowly moved towards Skye. "The lines at the store weren't too bad. You know, small town that it is being this far out of the capital. We were able to get in and out pretty quick."
Skye merely nodded. Neither brother or sister was sure how to get past the small talk with an sense of gentleness. Finally, A.J. threw caution to the wind as he nodded at her.
"What happened?"
Skye sighed. And before she realized what was happening, she was pouring out the whole tale to A.J.
"-and I just couldn't help myself. She continued to scream and howl, and that damn baby-sitter of yours was no where to be found. I didn't know what was wrong, and as her cries got worse, some type of retro-maternal instinct kicked in. I... I just had to pick her up, A.J. I had to touch her, take care of her. My baby girl was in pain, and I just had to-"
A.J. moved forward. He smiled as he leaned over the bed, and hugged Skye. "Shush. Don't worry. There's no need to explain. Of course, you couldn't leave her. It's only natural you'd want to help her, to protect her. There's nothing wrong in that. It's one of the reasons I hoped you would come back here… to get to know her."
Skye shook her head as she looked at A.J. "You know, when Sydney was born, I thought I wasn't going to make it. I don't think I would have if you and Carly hadn't of been there for me. And it was almost as if it were easier to give her away without seeing her and being reminded what she had cost me. That's why I didn't want to hold her. That's why I went straight back to Port Charles as soon as the doctors released me. But, this time, being back in this house maybe- I just couldn't help myself."
"This is a special place," A.J. agreed, as he nodded around the room in general. "For both good and bad reasons, but nonetheless, it is special."
"You know, after Jax brought me here, we were a part for a long time. I just couldn't get past what had happened to Michael. And then you and Carly came, and it was like part of me that had been sleeping so long was awakened. And then Jax and I-" Skye's voice trailed off.
A.J. was silent for a moment as he let his sister collect her thoughts. At last he pushed her, "Skye, I know from Carly some of what happened that night. I found out when I bought the house after Jax's affairs were being settled. But, she could only tell me what she overheard. I guess what I am trying to say is-"
"You want to know what happened? What happened that caused me to throw everything I ever wanted away with both hands willingly? You want to know how in the conception of the child I have wanted for all my life that I was able to destroy the love that had created her? You want to know why her birth certificate says one thing while her mother willingly allows others to believe another? Why did a mother risk her life to give birth to a miracle child that was never supposed to be, bestow her father's name upon her, and then refuse to even look upon the life she had just brought into this world? How such a woman could willingly give her once-upon-a-time worst enemy her child to call her own? Is that it, A.J.? Is that what you want to know?" Skye said.
A.J. was silent for a moment before he nodded. "I know you have your reasons, but ever since she was born I have been a part of Sydney's life. If for no other reason than I want to protect her, I need to know the answers to at least some of them, Skye."
Skye was quiet for a moment as she pondered her response. She continued to looked at Sydney, never raising her eyes from the baby's. Somehow, despite the pain she was in as she gazed into Jax's eyes, she still gained a sense of strength from them that was the only thing that could keep her going as she further remembered that which she had been so desperate to block out.
"Carly, if you do this for me, I'll give you thing one thing in this world that I know you want more than anything else right now."
"And what is that, Skye? What could you possibly offer me that would EVER convince me to do something as stupid as this?"
"A child, Carly. A new life who would think that you were his mother, and would love you and never leave you like Michael did."
"What in the hell are you talking about, Skye?"
"I'm pregnant, Carly. I'm pregnant."
"You're what?"
"I'm pregnant. I am going to have a baby. Or at least I am going to try to."
"This is Jax's child?"
"Who else's would it be, Carly?"
"Then why? Why would you ever do something like this? And ask me to help you do it? Betray a great a guy as Jax? And hurt A.J. in the process? Why?"
"Because it's the only way. It's the only choice I have. Now will you help me or not?"
Biting her lip, memories of that fateful conversation with Carly floated away as quickly as it had come. Focusing back on A.J., Skye shook her head. She took one last breath before she said at last, "Carly did something for me, A.J. Something that I will never be able to repay her for. Even giving her my child could not repay the debt. Let's just leave it at that, shall we?"
A.J. merely nodded, knowing now was not the time to push his sister and press her for more details. Now that she was finally here, home at last, there was time enough for that….. He had asked, and that was all he could do. She would come to him and tell him when she was ready, in her own time and in her own way.
Standing to leave, A.J. nodded at Skye. "She is going to need to be fed dinner in about a half-hour. If you bring her down, I'll show you how."
Merely nodding, Skye gratefully nodded her own head at her brother. "We'll be there. And thank-you, A.J."
He smiled, and then shut the door quietly behind him, leaving Skye alone with her very real ghostly memories and the one tangible reminder of all they had come to be centered around in the personage of Sydney Jayna Jacks.
-TBC-