Fangtasia Stories: What to Buy the Maenad Who Has Everything

Set during Living Dead in Dallas

Pam walked in to Eric's office. Bill was there, pacing, and Sookie was still lying face down on the couch, unconscious. The scent of blood still lingered in the air. She took a couple of steps forward and looked at Sookie.

"My God."

"I know," Bill responded tensely, chewing on his fist. "She was so close to dying."

"Oh, no, not that. I just noticed those pants she's wearing. Do they tie up the side? What the fuck is that about?"

"What?" Bill's forehead creased as he drew his eyebrows together, and he shook his head a little. "They're very fashionable, and I happen to think they become her very well."

Pam laughed out loud. "Pffft! I haven't seen anyone wear anything so trashy since, well, actually I've never seen anyone wear anything like that, other than perhaps professional wrestlers. She wore them especially for you?"

"I did ask her to wear them, yes."

"To attend a meeting here?" Pam shook her head in disbelief. "Are you trying to put Eric off? Because, you know he really doesn't care much about what she's wearing, it's what's underneath her horrific outfit that he's interested in. Which, by the way, was quite an eye-opener."

"He has no rights over Sookie."

"Hey," Pam snapped. "Eric staked a vampire for her, asshole. He paid a pretty large fine for it too. I didn't see you rushing to your human's aid. And tonight, yet again, she seems to have been placed in danger while you weren't able to defend her." Pam didn't really care about Sookie's welfare. Her aim was solely to wind Bill up.

Bill hissed and bared his fangs. Pam just stood with her hands on her hips and smiled.

"Get a grip, Compton."

He retracted his fangs and tried to calm his anger. Fighting under Eric's roof would not be a wise move. He looked over at Sookie again, and stepped closer to her. The marks on her back were healing, but there would be scarring.

Pam went over to have a closer look, too.

"Oh no." She turned her head away like she'd just come across some fresh road kill. She even brought her hand to her mouth and made a fake retching face.

"The lacerations are quite deep," Bill commented.

"Huh? I know, I saw them earlier. You think I'd balk at a few scratches like that? It's the stretchy denim material. Bleuurgh." She pretended to retch again, and coughed. "Oh. The lace up sides, Bill. That's... oh good God it's just too much." She turned away and covered her eyes with her hand.

"Stop it."

"What the hell was she wearing on top? What do you wear with pants like that?"

Bill huffed, and rolled his eyes before responding.

"A cropped blue and white check shirt."

"Jesus."

"Pam, she nearly died tonight. Don't you think it's a little inappropriate to be focusing on her outfit?"

Eric calmly strode into the room, breaking off their heated discussion.

"How is she?" Eric asked.

Bill folded his arms in front of his chest. "She is stable, but not yet awake."

"Her pants are quite hideous," Pam drawled.

Eric looked at his child and then back at Sookie. Well, he couldn't really argue with that one.

"I didn't notice them earlier. I suppose I wasn't focusing my attention on her legs. Do they tie up at the sides?"

Bill made an exasperated sort of sound.

"Yes."

Pam jerked her head towards Bill. "He's quite attached to those pants, apparently."

"Really? Do you have a pair yourself, Bill?" Eric smiled. "Matching tie-up-the-sides pants? I thought you were more of a pleated slacks man."

Bill just pouted, and knelt down to tend to Sookie. Eric and Pam looked at each other and smirked, before Eric turned his attention back to the half-naked telepath, recovering in his office. It had been an up and down kind of evening, he thought.

On the up side, he'd gotten to see Sookie part-naked, may have 'accidentally' touched her bare breasts twice, and he had drank some of her blood. All of these very important events were unfortunately tainted. Not at all the way he had planned for their first time. He had also been highly amused when Sookie had been verbally abusive to Bill earlier. Since he had also come to their aid with Dr. Ludwig, Bill and Sookie owed him, too, even if the maenad had apparently committed this act as a message to him.

Still, he hadn't enjoyed seeing Sookie in such pain. Elsewhere, on the down side, he now had to appease this crazy-ass maenad, and he still hadn't had a chance to speak with Sookie about her trip to Dallas. There was an extortionate medical bill heading his way from Dr. Ludwig, but that was easily taken care of. She was the best, and you get what you pay for. Oh, and his new leather sofa, just delivered last week. It could be cleaned, of course, but the scent of Sookie's blood would be lingering for a while. Perhaps he should add that one to his list of positives.

Why can't maenads just send an e-mail?

It occurred to him that he never believed for one moment that Sookie would die from her injuries. Whether that was due to his confidence in the good doctor, or some survivalist nature he instinctively recognized in Sookie, he wasn't sure. Perhaps it just wasn't a possibility, in his head.

For some reason, he was finding himself particularly interested in and protective of this little blonde telepath. And he could not attribute this unusual interest solely to her quite magnificent bosoms. Eric's thoughts drifted.

"What now?" Bill said.

Eric sighed. "Dr. Ludwig suggests we don't move her for now, until she wakes up." He went over to his closet, pulled his t-shirt over his head and slipped on a black shirt which he'd pulled off a hanger.

"Where is she?"

"Cleaning up. She'll take another look at Sookie before she goes."

"This is all your fault, Eric."

Eric gave Bill a very cool stare, and then finished doing up his shirt buttons.

"Why don't you and I have a drink out in the bar, Bill. Pam, you stay here and look after Sookie."

"I don't want to leave her," Bill pouted.

"And I don't want to have to ask you again." Eric turned and headed out of the door. Bill looked at Pam, who smiled sweetly at him, before he reluctantly followed the sheriff.

The bar was busy, and a number of heads turned in their direction as they entered. There was some excited mumbling and a small amount of giggling, as Eric strode through and sat in his favorite booth. Bill took the seat opposite, and two TruBloods were immediately placed in front of them.

"I don't appreciate being blamed for the crazed actions of a maenad, Bill," Eric stated, firmly. "You and I both know that their type is a little...unhinged."

Bill took a moment before he nodded.

"Yes, I am aware of that."

"What was Sookie doing out alone in the woods, anyway? Why weren't you with her?"

Eric was aware he was twisting the stake a bit here, but given the situation, and given the fact Bill was blaming him for it, what the hell. He needed to be taught some manners.

Bill clenched his jaw, and growled a little.

"We had a disagreement."

"Oh? About what?"

"I don't think that's any of your business, Eric."

"Was it about those lace up pants?"

Bill was getting more and more exasperated. Eric wasn't about to let up.

"No."

"Was it about me?"

"Why would we have been fighting about you?"

Eric shrugged. "I've been the reason for a great many break-ups, Bill. What can I say?" He sighed heavily and stretched his arms out across the back of the seat. "Women meet me, they are charmed by me, and then they simply can't stop thinking about me. Does she cry out my name accidentally during sex?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Eric. Sookie isn't interested in you."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. She is mine." Bill had fire in his eyes. The fire of a vampire who wasn't giving up his human without a fight.

Eric leaned his head back and rolled his eyes. He didn't need to fight for a human. Sookie would yield, of her own accord.

"Yes, yes. She is yours," Eric groaned. "You should be careful. Anyone would think you were in love with her. You shouldn't become so attached."

Bill averted his gaze, and Eric couldn't quite read his expression. He'd hit a nerve, it seemed. Bill straightened his back and finally appeared to remember his manners.

"Thank you for your help," he managed to mumble, reluctantly.

"Sookie is welcome to it. You are under my protection, and therefore so is she."

Eric took a swig from his bottle, and Bill did the same. After tasting Sookie this evening, even with the poison in her blood, the foul, synthetic taste was somewhat more apparent than usual.

"So how is the new job going Bill? Area 5 Investigator. What have you been investigating?"

"You know what, since you gave me my assignments, and you have had copies of my reports. There have been a number of draining incidents in Minden, and a spate of anti-vampire graffiti in Bossier. Last month two new vampires were created here in Shreveport by Lynne Dardenne, and they have been causing some trouble."

Eric sighed. "Yes. I really must bring Lynne in. Her mothering instincts know no bounds." Lynne was in her late forties when she was turned during the 1960's. She was a heavy-set brunette who always sported a beehive and bright pink lipstick.

"That is six children so far this year already."

"She picks the worst type of human; young, rebellious, stubborn, anti-establishment types." Eric knew that was because they reminded her of her son, who died in a motorcycle accident before she was turned. She was always searching for his perfect doppelganger. "She's the worst and yet most prolific maker in the state."

"It's getting entirely out of hand."

"I will bring her in. Have you had any assignments direct from the Queen?" Of course, Bill wouldn't tell, but Eric thought he'd make a point of asking.

"If I had, then I'm sure you would know about it, wouldn't you?" Bill smirked.

"Oh yes, I'm sure."

They sat for a little while without speaking.

"So Sookie and I are to go to Dallas," Bill said suddenly.

"Sookie is to go to Dallas. I have another assignment for you."

"She does not go anywhere without me," Bill responded, firmly.

"You have business here. I will send someone else with her, or chaperone her myself."

Bill shook his head. "I don't think so."

"Your new assignment is quite pressing. It cannot be delayed."

"What is this very pressing assignment, exactly?"

It only took a moment for Eric to come up with something.

"There has been rumor of some giant were-rats setting up home in the sewage systems. I need you to get down there and scope it out."

"Oh really?" Bill's tone was very unconvinced. Eric didn't care.

"It may take some time. Also, the Fangtasia bowling team needs an extra member. Maxwell Lee lost a finger last week and is still in the process of growing it back."

Bill pursed his lips. Of course, Fangtasia didn't have a bowling team. Had Eric seen the mainstreaming video? Bill shifted in his seat.

"Let's see what Sookie says, shall we?"

Speaking of Sookie, they both became aware that she had woken up. Bill made a move to stand.

"Stay put, Bill," Eric ordered. "Pam will take care of her."

He reluctantly sat back down. After a while, Pam drifted over.

"How is she?" Bill asked.

"Sore, but fine. She is showering." Bill got up and Eric didn't stop him this time. Pam took his place in the booth.

"Dr. Ludwig has gone?"

"Yes. She said to say 'don't call me at this hour again or I'll fuck you up you dead pile of shit. And expect a huge-ass bill through your door tomorrow and pay up quick, you big, lanky fucker!'" She relayed all of this in a very good imitation of Dr. Ludwig's voice. Eric smiled faintly. He wasn't supposed to appear amused while he was 'showing' in the bar. Chuckling was not vampiric. Pam often tried in vain to make him laugh while he was on the floor. Sometimes, when he was lounging on his throne looking particularly mean, she would appear at his side and whisper something like "I flossed my teeth with my thong this evening," or "Your leather pants are too tight, I can see your balls pulsating." She made a kind of game of it.

"She was being more accommodating than usual. She must have been in a good mood tonight. Perhaps she got laid."

"It has been an eventful evening," Pam observed.

"Indeed."

"Did you see Sookie's breasts?" She cocked an eyebrow.

"No, I must have missed them. Of course I saw them, Pam. How could I fail to miss them?"

"She's quite a peach."

"Hmm."

"Perhaps she could be turned."

Eric was more than aware that she didn't mean turned in the vampire sense.

"I will say this once, and once only, as your maker; eyes, and hands, and fangs, to yourself."

"You can watch."

"I mean it Pam."

She gave him a knowing stare, and smiled before nodding. There was no need for either of them to say anything more.

Eric downed his TrueBlood, and stood up. Then he wandered back to his office, with Pam in tow.

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

After Bill and Sookie had finally left, Eric sat in his chair in his office and put his feet up on his desk. He had never thought that one of his shirts could look sexier on anyone more than himself. The crisp, white cotton was a stark contrast to her tan skin. The material draping over the bouncy, voluptuous globes of her breasts. The hem of the shirt stopping tantalizingly mid-thigh. The cut of her panties just about visible through the material. Eric blew out his cheeks and exhaled loudly, even though he hadn't actually taken in a breath.

Pam walked in and closed the door behind her. She sat down in the chair opposite.

"I'm placing you in charge of purchasing suitable tribute for this maenad," Eric said. "Starting tomorrow, begin shopping. Find her something... nice."

"Like what?"

"Maenads are notoriously difficult to buy for. They are not easily satisfied. She will not request something specific, she will just expect us to keep trying until we get it right and she is finally appeased."

Pam was stumped. She loved to shop, but buying a gift for a maenad? That was a serious challenge. Luckily, she was always up for a challenge.

"Give me some ideas."

"Traditionally, it has been animals. Human or other mammal sacrifice is the norm, but other, more unusual animals have produced positive results. They like sex and booze, of course."

Pam took a little notepad out of her pocket and made a couple of notes.

"Perhaps a drunk prostitute?"

"Hmm. No, that's far too obvious. Let's try to stay within some reasonable boundaries for now and say no human sacrifice."

"What did Sookie say, that she had a wand or something, and she was all tattered?"

"I wouldn't even attempt to get her a new wand, Pam. Just try to stick to the obvious themes, but try to obtain more unusual items that she might not have been offered before. We need to get rid of her as soon as possible. She'll give us time to come up with something, but there's no telling how long that might be."

"I understand." Pam put away her notepad and rose from the chair. "I'll have someone clean up in here tomorrow during the day."

"Hm-mm."

"You look horny."

Eric smiled.

"I am always horny."

"I'm going home. I'll make a start on the maenad shopping tomorrow, before I come to the bar."

"Fine."

"Shall I call someone up? All the customers have gone home, but I could make a couple of phone calls. Those hot blonde twins were in again earlier. I've got their number."

"Pam, stop pimping."

"Well if you're not going to have them then I am."

"Enjoy."

Pam put a hand on her hip and cocked her head at him.

"Twins, Eric. Hot blonde twins." She pronounced each word.

Eric leaned his head back on his chair and closed his eyes.

"Perhaps tomorrow."

"I'm pretty sure they're AB pos-i-tive," Pam sang. When that still got no reaction, she made a tasty, lip-smacking sound. "Mm, mm, mmm. Yum."

"Go home. I am perfectly able to arrange for my own sex."

Pam pulled a face, and then left, closing the door behind her.

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

After another day tromping through the woods, leaving tributes for the maenad, and still seeing no positive results, Eric suggested that Pam keep a kind of diary of her progress. What Pam really wanted to do was chase this bitch down and ram her fucking wand where the sun didn't shine. Even Eric seemed to be fearful of her powers, though, so she took his advice and began keeping notes.

Week 1: Offerings left by large tree stump.

Tribute: 6 chickens, a cockerel, a crate of beer, two bottles of whiskey, a silky nightdress, some fluffy kitten-heel slippers, and some porn magazines.

Outcome: 2 dead chickens found beneath silky nightdress. Message carved into tree stump reading "D - Must try harder."

Week 2: Offerings left near the stream.

Tribute: 2 parakeets, a beaver, 2 bottles of expensive red wine, 3 bottles of gin, a packet of cocktail umbrellas, a Versace studded leather shoulder bag, a selection of Mac make-up, a large dildo, crotchless panties, and a gimp mask.

Outcome: Just feathers. Message spelled out in twigs. "Pathetic. Fuck off."

Week 3: Offerings left in clearing used for picnicking.

Tribute: 5 meerkats, 2 armadillos, a 1955 Warre Vintage Port, a 1945 Riesling, a crate of Clynelish 1972 Single Malt Whiskey, 2 pairs of new season Jimmy Choos, an Alexander Wang clutch purse, a Marc Jacobs stardust printed python tote, a butt plug and nipple tassels.

Outcome: One armadillo, alive, but completely frozen, nipple tassels covering it's eyes. Butt plug inserted. What can only be described as vomit, but not vomit inside of purse. No message. She is messing with my head. Eric suggests I stop with the shoes and bags.

Week 4: Offerings left in the large clearing again. Eric and Indira came along to help me with the bull.

Tribute: Young bull, six bottles of 1989 Trouillard Brut Grande Reserve Vintage Champagne, a 1929 Chateau Latour, 2 bottles of 1953 Bonnes Mares, a crate of 1949 Chateau Margeaux, a selection of whiskey and vodka miniatures with various mixers, and some love eggs.

Outcome: Bull castrated. Message written in blood on the bull's hide - "You are not even trying." I have had enough. Advised Eric that he will need to come and try to reason with her. Maenads are now at the top of my list of most hated creatures, just below were-cheetahs and grasshoppers.