Fangtasia Stories: Speed Dating for Beginners

Set after Living Dead in Dallas but before Club Dead

"Eric."

"Hmm?"

"We need to talk. I have an idea I want to run by you."

Eric's response was abrupt. "Pam, I'm busy. This Tetris game won't play by itself, and I'm on course to beat my all time record." He was sitting forward in his chair, fingers moving with super-fast vamp speed over the keys of his laptop, situated on his desk.

Pam waited for another 20 minutes. She remained standing, and went into downtime.

"Fuck! I was 800 points away. That was your fault, Pam. You twitched."

"Can we talk now?"

Eric closed his laptop and sat back in his chair. He put his feet up on the desk, and gestured with his hands.

"You may proceed."

"Thank you. I'm sure by now you have seen my e-mail?"

Eric lowered his head and looked up over his brow. "Yes."

"The one I sent two days ago."

Pause. "Yes."

"What did you think?" He hadn't read it at all. Pam knew this, because she'd checked before entering his office. Sent, received, unread. Pam was always very careful to track these things.

Eric picked up his pen and began absently twirling it in his fingers. "The video you forwarded me, the one with the cats talking?"

Pam groaned.

"No. Not that one."

Eric smiled. "It was very much like they were talking. Do you think perhaps they were shifters, or were-house cats? If they weren't real cats, then there's really nothing very entertaining about it at all."

"No, the other e-mail. The report on the quarterly earnings for the bar."

Eric decided to play along. Of course he hadn't read the e-mail, and Pam was quite obviously aware of this. She was always so anal about tracking the status of her e-mails.

"Yes. I have had the pleasure of perusing said report."

"And what did you think?"

"I thought your pie charts were gaudily colored and ill-thought. I would have used a bar chart, as the format is much more effective for comparative figures."

Pam had included a pie chart in her report, and momentarily doubted herself. Maybe he had read it. She shifted on her feet.

"I have a preference for pie charts."

"Pie charts scream weakness, Pam," he chided. "You will never be sheriff until you get your charts right. As you are already aware I have not yet read your report. You know I trust you to deal with this. I have more important pressing matters at the moment."

"Like Tetris."

"Yes. Like Tetris."

"And fantasizing about screwing Sookie Stackhouse on the hood of your 'Vette."

Eric threw his pen at Pam's head. She couldn't dodge it quick enough and it whacked her in the face.

"Fuck!"

Pam picked the pen up off the floor and made a fake throwing move with her arm, like she was going to retaliate. Eric didn't flinch. Pam gritted her teeth and carefully placed the pen back down on his desk.

"That hurt."

"Oh come on Pam, I flicked a pen at you. That's not pain. Don't you remember that time you fell off the top floor of that multi-story parking garage in Bruges?"

"I was pushed."

"It was a dare."

Pam growled in frustration, crossed her arms in front of her chest, then smiled.

"Sookie is a sore spot."

"Let's not mention the S word again today, Pam. I'm not in the mood, and I'm likely to throw more office supplies. Tell me about your report. I presume all is well; income is up from last year and last quarter, the vampires of the area obediently do their duty and turn up when required. The fang bangers continue to flock to the bar to be insulted, partially drained, and glamored to within an inch of their dull, pathetic lives. Staff are mostly dumb, but on the whole, hard-working and cheap. The queen continues to take her share, and all is well in the land of Eric."

"Not exactly, no."

"Hmm?" Eric narrowed his eyes.

"Takings are down from last quarter and last year, 26% last quarter, 31% from last year."

"I don't think so. Are your calculations correct?"

Pam scoffed and looked offended. "Of course. Do I need to remind you about my doctorate in mathematics?"

"We can't be down on profit, the customers are still here," Eric extended his hands and rolled his wrists gracefully, gesturing down his body. "Enjoying the sights."

"Hmm, well, I hate to rain on your parade, but they're not. We are losing customers, and we're not appealing to new ones, it seems. We've been slacking, and the fact this is a vampire bar isn't enough any more. We need to give people something new, and exciting."

Eric sat back again, and considered Pam's words.

"You said you had an idea, earlier, when I was playing Tetris."

"Yes, I do."

"Go on."

"We need to branch out into more merchandising. Humans will buy any old shit if it has fangs on it and makes them look edgy." Pam scowled. "I think we also need to do more special theme nights."

Pam dipped into her pants pocket and pulled out some paper, unfolded it, and handed it to Eric.

"What's this? Speed dating. Dating whilst on speed? Or dating very quickly?"

"Quick dating, like mini-interviews for prospective sexual escapades. Speed dating is popular among humans. People don't have time to fuck around buying flowers and taking strolls in the park any more. They want a couple of minutes to check someone out, find out how much money they earn, what car they drive, and to judge the likelihood of them being a good lay."

"Sounds reasonable. Very practical."

"I agree."

"I think I would be very good at this, if I actually needed to stoop so low as to bother."

Pam rolled her eyes. "If we have vampire/human speed dating, it's sure to be a winner for the bar. We could do other special theme nights, maybe get special guest vamps in. Karaoke. Ladies night."

"We did ladies night. You know that ended badly."

"That was unfortunate."

"They weren't ladies."

"They were trying to get the discounts."

"I wouldn't have minded so much, but she had a bigger cock than me. It is not often I am outdone in that department."

Pam snorted. "We need to try something new."

"There's no way we're having karaoke, Pam."

"How about we get more bands in, have an open mic night. Salsa, S&M."

"Salsa and S&M? At the same time?" Eric thought about it, and pulled an 'it might work' face.

"Look, I don't know. Speed dating might be a good place to start. People come here looking for sexual encounters, thrills, excitement. Single people. Horny people."

Eric perused the leaflet. It was from another bar in New Orleans, one which was run by Pam's long time associate Lucia Carello.

"What did Lucia say? Did it go well?"

"Absolutely. Humans love it, because it makes vampires more approachable. And vamps love it, because it makes them seem more mainstream. Whether they are actually mainstreaming or not, many report it to be a novel and entertaining way to peruse the buffet."

"Hmm. Fine. Do what you need to do. But Pam," she turned as she got to the door. "No karaoke."

"Yes master, whatever you say," Pam groaned. "I will organize the first speed dating event for next week. Perhaps we should do a practice run, so I can be sure I get the timing right, and so on."

"Do it. Get someone in to help. Call Bill, but not until just before we need him."

"Of course. Should I ask him to bring his tasty telepath?"

Eric growled a little. The noise was not lost on Pam, and she smirked.

"Yes. Why not."

Pam grinned and turned to exit the room.

"You waaaant her."

Pam ducked. A stapler flew past her head, hit the wall, and rattled down the corridor. She chuckled as she wandered out into the bar.

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

The following Thursday, Bill and Sookie strolled into Fangtasia, looking decidedly put out.

"Ah, Bill. About time."

Eric was sitting at a table in the middle of the bar, and Pam, Chow and Ginger were also in attendance, standing close by. Pam was clutching a clipboard, and had a stopwatch and a whistle around her neck.

"Eric. Pam said there was important business."

"Oh good, you brought Sookie." Eric gave only the briefest of smiles. "How is my favorite telepath?"

"I'm fine, thank you very much. Bill and I were supposed to be going on a date tonight, though."

"Oh really?" Eric smiled up at her. She was wearing a soft, fluffy-looking pink v-neck sweater and checked pastel capri pants. Thankfully, no tie-up sides. Very cute. Just snug enough. Bill was looking uptight and boring as usual in a burgundy shirt, khaki pants, and loafers. Yawn. "Where were you going?"

"Not that it's really any of your business," Bill huffed, "but we were going to the local theater to see a play about the plight of the common soldier during the Civil War." Double yawn. What the hell was he thinking, taking her to some dull tin-pot theater production? Couldn't he tell she wanted to have some fun? Sookie had a body that was made for fun. She tried to look thrilled at the prospect of her date, but Eric could see the desperate longing for more excitement behind her eyes. She was completely wasted on Bill.

Prick.

"Well, I'm terribly sorry that I interrupted your plans, but this will still be a date, of sorts. Although, it will obviously be nowhere near as exciting as this wonderful play you were going to see."

Bill pursed his lips and stuck his chest out, and Eric had to stifle his need to chuckle.

"What exactly is this very pressing matter you contacted me about? I see that the bar is not open yet."

"Won't you sit down?" Eric looked at Sookie and gestured to the chair beside him, but she took the seat opposite instead. Bill remained standing.

"Pam."

Pam stepped forward and handed them some flyers. "We are having our first speed dating event tomorrow night, and I wanted to test it out. You are my guinea pigs."

"Speed dating? Eric, you asked us here for this? I thought that this was a serious matter."

"It is, Bill," Eric responded, sharply. "This is the future of my bar, and you are my underling, while you reside in my area. I am quite free to ask you to do this. Do you have a problem?"

Bill gritted his teeth.

"No."

There was an uncomfortable silence. Sookie was the one to finally break the tension.

"What are ya'll doing speed dating for? Is it for vamps and humans?"

"A very pertinent question, Sookie, thank you. Yes, it is. We are branching out into other areas, trying to improve upon the image of the bar, draw in new customers, improve upon the standard of clientèle, and so on."

"Well, I guess that might be fun." Sookie looked up at Bill and smiled. Not as much fun as taking you into my office and fucking you on my desk, Eric thought to himself. "We could always see the play another night anyway, Bill." Sitting in my leather swivel chair, Sookie in my lap, riding my cock. "I don't mind helping out."

"Up against the wall," Eric thought out loud.

Bill narrowed his eyes. "What was that?"

"We've really come up against a brick wall in terms of finding ways to encourage new customers into the bar. Speed dating is our latest idea. So, Pam wants us to have a pretend run, in preparation for tomorrow."

"Everyone has to pretend like they never met, and make it seem like you're trying to pick someone up, you know," Pam said. She picked up some note paper, badges and pens from the table, and handed them out to Chow first. He looked at the badge in disgust, before pinning it to his bare chest.

"Now, Chow, that's just the type of vamp behavior that has ordinary humans running. This is why you never find yourself a nice girl," Pam chided. She ripped off the pin, taking some skin and part of his nipple with it. "You're supposed to write your name on it, too."

"But I'm not wearing a shirt." He glanced down at his chest and gritted his teeth when he realized the damage Pam had done. "That will take days to grow back."

She reached behind the bar, flung his vest in his face, used the badge to pin it to his head, and moved on.

"Eric." She handed him a badge, paper and a pen.

"Pam, I'm not playing."

"Oh, come on. It might be fun." She gave him a wink. "A little role play?"

Eric raised an eyebrow and considered it. Last time he'd role-played with Sookie there had been some very interesting moments. Oh, she'd enjoyed his bisexual horny aerobic-class teacher role. She'd really enjoyed it, for a little while.

Pam turned and began organizing everyone.

"Sookie, you sit there. Ginger, you're over there. OK, Bill, Chow, you have to swap tables when I say time's up."

Eric wrote on his badge and pinned it to his black shirt.

"OK, everyone find a date, Bill you're with me first," Pam directed. "I'm going to play the part of a human."

Eric got up from his chair and sat opposite Ginger. She giggled at him, and he rolled his eyes.

"Everyone ready? Go!" Pam blew her whistle and started her stopwatch.

"So, what's it like being a vampire, master?"

Eric cursed in Norse. "Ginger, don't say anything else. Let's pretend like we're telepathic and can read one another's minds, instead."

"OK, that should be fun."

Groan.

Pam studied Bill carefully, as though he'd come for an interview.

"So, Bill, you're a loafer man, I see. I'm partial to loafers myself."

"Thank you for noticing, Miss, ah..." Bill squinted to read Pam's badge.

"You're a fucking vampire, how can you not read that? Are you pretending to have bad eyesight so you can stare at my bosoms?"

"No. The writing is very scrawly."

"How dare you? I have a very elegant hand. My name is Mercedes Lovelumps, and I have to say you are a very rude vampire."

Meanwhile, Sookie was becoming uncomfortable sitting opposite Chow, who was just staring at her, fangs protruding very slightly beneath his closed mouth, like a cat.

"So Chow, what do you do for a living?" Sookie shifted uneasily in her seat.

"I work here."

"Oh, really? I work in a bar too."

He seemed to be considering a number of different responses, before he finally settled on one.

"Good."

Sigh.

Chow opened his vest and poked a finger at his damaged nipple. There was skin-flappage, and he appeared to be attempting to place it back evenly, so that it healed correctly. Sookie turned away and grimaced.

"Your tattoos are nice. What's your favorite one?"

"I love them all equally. Like children."

OK then. Sookie glanced at her watch. Maybe that awful play actually would have been more entertaining.

Pam was becoming infuriated. By now both she and Bill had their arms crossed in front of them and were glaring at each other.

"Bill, you're really terrible at small talk. No one cares about how many gig of ram you have on your computer."

"Well, Miss Lovely Lumps..."

"Lovelumps," Pam interrupted. "L.O.V.E.L.U.M.P.S. And it's Ms."

"Oh, I beg your pardon. Ms. Lovelumps. You are hardly my dream date, either."

Pam looked at her stopwatch and blew her whistle. It was a little early, but she'd spent more than enough time with Bill.

"Vamps shift around now."

Eric snapped out of downtime and moved towards Sookie's table, but Bill had already beaten him to the chair. Not a problem, Compton. I can wait. He headed towards Pam and sat down.

Pam blew her whistle again.

"Bill is such a jerk-off."

Eric smiled. "I know. Mercedes?"

"Mercedes Lovelumps."

"Enchanté, Ms. Lovelumps. I'm Dixie."

"Dixie? Your name badge says Ken."

"Ken is my other name, the pseudonym I use when I perform in the strip clubs. My real name is Dixie. Dixie Normous."

Pam and Eric both laughed out loud and everyone else turned to look. Sookie smiled at them.

"Well, they're having fun."

"Yes. Perhaps we could catch the play on Monday night, Sookie? You're doing the early shift at Merlotte's, I believe."

Sookie sighed. "We're supposed to be pretending, Bill. Ask me some questions."

"Ah, of course. Do you come here often?"

She snorted at his cliched line, before realizing he was being serious. "Um, yeah. Sometimes, when I'm summoned here."

"Do you like vampires?"

"Sure, why wouldn't I? They're just like everyone else, but, you know, they drink blood and don't go out in the day, and they can run real fast, and they're kind of, you know, dead, stuff like that."

"You're very tolerant of our kind, Sookie."

Sookie shrugged. "Everyone should be treated the same. So tell me about yourself, what do you like to do?"

"I'm interested in computers, I enjoy playing on my Nintendo Wii, and I read a lot. Do you like to read?"

"Yes, I like romance novels and..." Eric and Pam were laughing again and Sookie turned to see what they were doing. Bill pouted at them. Pam was shaking her head, enjoying the joke.

"Oh, Mr. Normous, that really is quite a tale."

They both laughed again.

"Ah. Yes it is. Let's stop now, Pam. It's time to change tables."

She checked her stopwatch. "There's another minute yet."

"Blow the whistle, Pam. Chow's about to drain Ginger, I can see it in his eyes."

She looked over. "Yes, you're right. Perhaps we should just let him."

"How about you add a couple of minutes on this time. Let Bill enjoy his date with Ginger."

Pam gave him a knowing smile, and blew her whistle. Eric strolled over to Sookie's table. Bill was still sitting opposite her.

"Come on Compton. Your next date is waiting." He gestured to Ginger, who giggled and waved.

Reluctantly, Bill stood and went to sit opposite Ginger.

Eric sat down casually, and smiled at Sookie. Pam blew her whistle again.

"So," Sookie squinted to read Eric's name badge. "Ken?"

"Yes, Ken, that's right. Ken..." Eric strung together some random syllables. "Boonsen..val..man..son. The third. Sookie, is it?"

"That's me."

"What a very unusual name. It would be a very embarrassing name, for a vampire. I can't imagine the pun escaped your peers at school, either."

"Sucky Sookie, yes, kids can be very hurtful, and I had a very difficult childhood. But my name is perhaps not quite as embarrassing or unusual as yours, Mr Boonsenvalmanson."

Sookie laughed as she tried to get it right, and Eric noted the cute little dimples in her cheeks, and the way her nose crinkled. Hmm. Who knew she had dimples? He wondered if Bill had actually ever made her laugh at all.

"Well, it is quite a common name, where I'm from. So Sookie, tell me, why are you here tonight? What is it that interests you about dating a vampire?"

"Oh, mainly I like their non-existent brain signatures."

Eric cocked an eyebrow. "How very charming. I have to tell you, it's not usually my brain that attracts humans."

"No? Well why's that, Ken? Are your brains in your biceps?"

Ouch. Sookie was enjoying this. Well, he was happy to let her have her fun.

"Yes, actually they are. I'm a bisexual personal fitness instructor, and to be honest, I'm not the brightest of vampires, but I am well meaning, and I look fantastic in spandex." Sookie shifted in her seat, and Eric grinned. She remembered.

"I can see that you're the type of girl who likes to be intellectually stimulated, Sookie. I happen to be very able, when it comes to stimulation, just not of the intellectual variety."

"Hmm, really Ken. Well that's, er, interesting." Sookie played with the hem of her sweater, tugging it down a little, and subconsciously thrust her breasts out very slightly. The gesture didn't escape Eric's notice. He was quite able, when it came to reading body language. He made a mental note, and filed it away for future reference. Breast stimulation. "What kind of stuff do you like?" she continued.

"I like disco music, group activities, such as line-dancing, orienteering, amateur dramatics, orgies, that sort of thing, and I also like snuggles. You?"

"I like sun-bathing, animals, and trips to the theater."

"Oh, I love the theater. I've heard there's a play on about the Civil War. Would you like to go see it with me? It's probably going to be awful and very badly directed, in fact, it's likely to be torturous, but I could always feel you up if we got bored."

Sookie rolled her eyes.

"That's ever so nice of you Ken, but I'm not sure whether we'll be dating again."

"Well, that's a shame." He leaned a little further across the table. "If you got to know me a little better, I think you might like me."

Sookie eyed him suspiciously.

"So, what is it you're looking for in a woman?" she asked. "Or a man. I see you're obviously very broad-minded."

"Indeed I am. Always keep your options open, Sookie. Ideally, I'm looking for a telepathic waitress, naturally blonde, blue-eyed, hour-glass figure. She would have to have a penchant for men in brightly-colored Lycra and needs to be open-minded when it comes to sexual activities."

Sookie blushed a little, and pouted at the way he was teasing her.

"Well, that's quite specific."

"Do you fit that description, Sookie?"

"No, not at all, actually. I work in a library, I'm certainly not telepathic, I'm a bottle-blonde, and I'm wearing colored contacts."

"If you're not telepathic then what's with the preference for beings with no brain signatures?"

"I, er, I'm a neuro-surgeon? That's why it interests me."

"You said you worked in a library." Eric smirked, and Sookie smirked back.

"Part-time."

"Of course. I hear neuro-surgery doesn't pay very well. Many neuro-surgeons have to get second jobs. How about the spandex and sex?"

"Spandex is a definite no go. Even when it's stretched very tightly over an enormously impressive frame."

Eric cocked his head and then an eyebrow at her. Touché. She smiled at him smugly, pleased with her cheeky comeback. Was she flirting with him? With Bill here? She had spunk, and she definitely knew how to have fun. This little creature intrigued him more and more every time their paths crossed.

Eric leaned further forward in his chair. He could feel Bill's eyes burning into him from the other side of the room.

"And the sex, Sookie. What about the sex?"

Pam blew her whistle again. "Time's up everyone!"

Groan.

Sookie looked up and blushed again, as if she'd only just become aware of what she'd been talking about. As the blood rose to the surface of her cheeks, Eric growled, low enough only for vampires to hear.

He watched her as she rose from her seat, all pink-faced and ruffled.

"Well, um, that was fun," she stammered.

"Indeed it was. More fun than a date with loafer-boy?"

"Eric, you can be real mean sometimes."

Eric raised his eyebrows and chuckled. She had no idea.

"OK everyone," Pam shouted. "So what would happen now is you would all decide who you'd give your contact details to, and make a note on the paper I gave you earlier, and I would come and collect it. Then, I contact you later and let you know whether you impressed," she looked at Eric, "or failed miserably in getting another date." She looked pointedly at Bill. "We don't really have time for that though, since the bar should be open already and this isn't real anyway."

Bill walked over to Sookie and took her hand. Eric looked up at them both.

"Thank you for coming Bill. And you Sookie. I very much enjoyed our date." Bill clenched his fist. "Please, allow me to see you out."

He walked them to the back door of the bar, and discreetly slipped a note in Sookie's purse.

"Enjoy the rest of your evening, and your wonderful date at the theater, whenever you are able to make it."

"I'm sure we will, Eric," Bill mumbled.

"Thanks," Sookie added.

Eric smiled at Sookie, and closed the door.

It was only the next day that she found the note, which read:

"Number 1: Ginger. No way. Vacant fang banger. Very bad hair.

Number 2: Mercedes Lovelumps. Too weird. Looks like my daughter. And an ex-girlfriend. Way too complicated and possibly very high maintenance.

Number 3: Sookie. YIELD TO ME.

K. Boonsenvalmanson III."

A/N: Oo! You weren't expecting a cheeky author's note down here were you? Hope you enjoyed the speed dating. Just thought I'd mention that the video of the talking cats that Pam e-mailed to Eric is available for your viewing pleasure on the ol' You Tube; simply type in 'two talking cats' and you'll probably find it. All my fave YT vids involve talking cats or Alexander Skarsgard : ) 'Yum yum kitteh' is also a good one. If talking cats aren't your thing, try searching 'Alexander Skarsgard Rhys Thomas' and see what pops up. If you haven't seen AS doing his highly amusing 'Queen' dance then you really should. It's quite a treat.

Thanks for reading and for the lovely comments so far! You guys are even more fabulous than Pam in a pink twin-set with matching Manolos and clutch purse : )