Beyond Repair

By: Lesera128

Rated: M

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am just playing in someone else's sandbox….

Summary: Secrets abound as Skye reluctantly returns to Australia at AJ's behest despite the fact its where her marriage to Jax ended in disaster the previous year. AU. Skye/Jax. SAX.

Author's Note: I am reposting some of the older works that I have saved on my harddrive. Old-time SAX fans may remember this story. It was originally posted under my other penname [MuseofJaynor] at the Skye messageboard fan fiction archive. Many people already know this, but in case you were wondering, yeah, that was me.

Tears streaming down her eyes, Skye could barely see through her blurred vision to meet the probing gaze that was studying her intently. His words hung in the air, waiting her answer. Truth to be told, a part of herself, even after all this time was also still waiting for the answer.

Why had she really done it? Why had she thrown away everything she had ever wanted? Why had she lied to and betrayed the one man in this world that had loved her and accepted her just as she was, without any condition? Why had she done it?

Skye bit her lip as she considered her answer. For so many months, she had feared this moment. Pleasant memories had led to passionate dreams of Jax when she was asleep. That had been her one luxury when she had been carrying Sydney - her one comfort, her one consolation. But, once her child had been safely born, against all odds, those memories turned from pleasant dreams into probing nightmares.

How many times had Skye awoken in the middle of a night, broken out into a cold sweat, with the haunting vision of Jax's ice cold and piercing stare burned into her eyes? How many times had her imagination conjured this one moment, causing Skye to live it over and over in her head each night for months so that when the time actually came, she thought she knew exactly how it would turn out beforehand? The answer was, simply… too many.

And, yet, for all her imagination, fear wasn't the most prevalent emotion Skye finally felt when actually faced with the moment at hand. No, it wasn't fear. Or even anger. Or even disappointment. It was sadness. Inconsolable, utterly lonely, sadness. Sadness flowing from Jax; sadness flowing from her as she thought of the utter waste of the past year now that Jax had found out the truth, despite all the precautions Skye had taken and all the sacrifices she had made.

Her hand coming to wipe at the tears that uncontrolled pricked at the corners of her eyes, Skye composed herself enough to be able to lift her gaze to finally meet Jax's eyes. He was right. After all that had happened between them, she owed him that much at least.

Taking a deep breath, Skye didn't think as she spoke, carefully choosing her words. Instead, she spoke without planning and simply from her heart.

"I had a choice to make, Jax."

Confusion flashed in his eyes, joining a myriad of other emotions, and bewildered Skye as he tried to make sense of her words. At last he said, "Choice? What choice? What possible choice could have driven you to this madness, Skye?"

Skye stopped herself from biting her lip. She had stalled enough. She owed Jax the truth. After everything that she had done to him, after everything she had either taken or stolen from him, she owed him that much.

"It was a choice, Jax. A choice between you and between our child. A choice between you losing just one of us or losing both of us at the same time. A choice I made to... to..." Skye's voice trailed off, breaking in midsentence as she felt a new wave of emotional guilt sweep over her and form in a ball in the middle of her throat.

Jax was silent for a few seconds, but impatient, he prodded her. "A choice you made to what, Skye?"

Swallowing, Skye thought back on the one conversation that had started with Carly. The one that had put all of this into motion. The one that had sealed her fate and deemed that she had reached the point of no return; after that conversation, Skye knew she couldn't turn back.

She had just returned from her appointment at Sydney General with her normal OB/GYN. Clutched tightly in her hands was a file folder containing her medical records, the contact information for the specialist her doctor had recommended, directions on how to get to the women's health center, and most importantly, a sonogram of the seven-week old fetus that had not followed nature's mandate and implanted itself in Skye's uterus.

Only by blind luck had Jax not accompanied her to that appointment. There was a business conference call Jax had to make unless he wanted to fly to Tokyo for a week to finish a deal. Even though she had taken a leave of absence from ELQ following Michael's death, Jax had continued working from Australia. Truly, given a laptop, a cell phone, and a fax machine, Jax could work from anywhere. She had assured him she would be fine, and she would come and find him as soon as the appointment was over. It was her last, and if she was given a clean bill of health, they had agreed to have a special celebration that night. Unfortunately, fate deemed Skye's plans for the evening as being anything but happy.

As she trudged into the house, Skye wasn't really paying attention. Climbing the stone steps up to the front door, she entered in a daze. Thus, it was really no surprise that when her heel tripped on a loose chip in the marble tile of the entry way and came crashing down. A slight yell escaped her lips, and the file went tumbling from her hands. Its contents flew everywhere, and before Skye could do anything, her eyes fell on the sonogram. She had not looked at it since the doctor had given it to her, and she had left the hospital. She knew she would crack the next time she saw it. And she was right.

Fresh tears began to form as she reached for the black and white glossy photo. Her finger prints had already smudged the glossy paper beyond belief. But, still Skye clutched the photo to her heart. It was all she thought she had left.

Hearing the commotion of Skye's fall in the entryway, Carly came out from the kitchen to see what was going on. She immediately felt concern well in her for Skye when she saw her sprawled on the ground. Going to her side, Carly kneeled and said, "Skye? What's wrong? What's happened?"

Surprise and fear overwhelming her, Skye immediately tried to hide the sonogram. Pushing it into one pocket of her jacket with one hand, she used the other to wipe away her tears before responding, "Nothing. Nothing. I'm fine, Carly. I just tripped. New heels and my foot twisted the wrong way…." Skye tripped to force a small smile as she rose somewhat unsteadily to her feet.

Carly looked at A.J.'s sister skeptically. If there was one thing she had learned in all her years of dealing with Quartermaines, it was to know when one of them was lying as it happened so frequently. Thus, Carly knew Skye wasn't telling the truth, despite her best protestations to the contrary.

"You're lying, Skye. Please, tell me what's wrong."

"I said nothing, Carly."

"Skye, please. You and Jax have been so good to me and A.J. since we got here... please. Let me return the favor. Tell me what's wrong," Carly pleaded.

And before Skye knew what she was doing, the whole story came tumbling out. She had to tell someone, and she couldn't tell Jax. How could she tell him that she was pregnant with their child only to have to them add to the news that, 'oh, by the way - I have to terminate the pregnancy. And even if I do, there is a chance I am going to die anyway, and there is nothing you can to stop from losing us both, Jax. Just FYI…'

No, Skye couldn't do that to Jax. And, thus, as she talked to Carly, a plan began to formulate in her head as Skye's mood quickly changed. She began to talk as the details formed.

"Carly, please. You have to help me."

"What can I do?" Carly asked softly.

"Help me make Jax think that he slept with you," Skye blurted out.

"What?" Carly exclaimed.

Skye immediately shushed her as her eyes went up the main stair case. "Shush! Jax is just upstairs and might hear us."

"Skye, when you fell, did you hit your head or something?"

Skye shook her head slowly. "No, if only it were that simple. Please, Carly. You have to help me."

Carly eyed her. "You want me to seduce Jax?"

Skye bit her lip. "He has to think he slept with you, Carly. That's the only way this will all work."

"What all will work, Skye? You're not making any sense."

Ignoring Carly's words, Skye continued on, her decision made. "Carly, if you do this for me, I'll give you thing one thing in this world that I know you want more than anything else right now," Skye said with an unsure breath.

Carly eyed her warily. "And what is that, Skye? What could you possibly offer me that would EVER convince me to do something as stupid as this?"

"A child, Carly. A new life who would think that you were his mother, and would love you and never leave you like Michael did."

"What in the hell are you talking about, Skye?" Carly said, with an trace of panic in her voice that had not been there before.

"I'm pregnant, Carly. I'm pregnant."

"You're what?"

"I'm pregnant. I am going to have a baby. Or, at least, I am going to try to." Skye said. She hesitantly took the sonogram picture out of her jacket pocket and handed it to Carly.

"This is Jax's child?"

"Who else's would it be, Carly?"

"Then why? Why would you ever do something like this? And ask me to help you do it? Betray a great a guy as Jax? And hurt A.J. in the process? Why?"

"Because it's the only way. It's the only choice I have. Now will you help me or not?"

"But why?" Carly asked, fingering the sonogram carefully.

Skye pointed at the picture. "The pregnancy isn't normal, Carly. It's... my doctor thinks it's an ectopic pregnancy. The fetus implanted in my abdominal cavity instead of my uterus because there is too much scare tissue there for a viable pregnancy to form there of its own accord."

"Scar tissue?" Carly asked in confusion.

Waving off the question, Skye said, "It's a long story. The short of it is, one night when I was really young and really stupid, I got drunk and then I got behind the wheel of a car. I didn't hurt anyone but myself when I ran the car into a tree." Lost in thought for a moment, Skye gazed away as she recalled flashes of the accident… pain, screeching tires, crunching metal, and then darkness. Looking up, Skye returned her attention to Carly as she said pointedly, "The internal injuries were... extensive. Especially in my abdominal region."

"What does all this have to do with me trying to seduce Jax?" Carly asked softly.

Skye shook her head. "He'll never leave me unless he thinks I have a viable reason to push him away, Carly. This is the only way. Otherwise, he'll have to first watch his child die and then me. And I can't do that to him, Carly. He's already lost so much in this world. I can't put him through that kind of pain again."

Carly shook her head. "Don't you think that is a choice Jax deserves to make for himself?"

Skye was silent for a moment as she pondered the question. She then replied softly, "No, Carly. It's not."

Carly bit her lip as she pondered Skye's words and the devotion she was attempting to demonstrate to the man she loved. At last, Carly shook her head and said, "You are nuttier than I thought any Q could ever be, Skye, and that's saying something."

Skye sighed. "Look, there is a chance… a small chance I might have another option besides aborting the pregnancy myself or it terminating itself when the fetus grows too large for the abdominal cavity and ruptures one of my blood vessels and I hemorrhage to death." Skye let her voice trail off as she contemplated the scenarios she had just run rapidly through. She shrugged and looked up at Carly. "As to which one might happen, well, I don't know which is the one most likely to happen… and I won't know for sure until I see this specialist by OB/GYN told me about. But I can't see him for two weeks, and I need to have a back-up plan just in case. So, will you help me?"

Carly looked deeply into Skye's eyes. They shown with nothing but the troubled love she felt for Jax which reinforced the honesty of her words to Carly. Thus, it was with a slight nod that Carly answered. "Can I think about it for a little bit"

Skye nodded slowly. Bending down, Carly helped Skye gather up the spilled contents of the file folder. Handing them back to her sister-in-law, Carly then gave Skye a quick hug before turning back into her house to contemplate Skye's request.

And a short time later, true to her word, Carly had thought about it… and eventually agreed to help Skye.

And, thus, it was this that Skye tried to tell Jax as she looked up into his eyes.

"I... I had to choose, Jax. Between you and our daughter. And I chose our daughter," Skye whispered.

"You aren't answering my question, Skye. Come on, just tell me the truth. What really made you do this?" Jax asked in frustration.

At last, Skye broke down, and relented. Tears continuing to stream down her eyes, she nodded at him. "I did it because I love you, Jax. I love you more than anything I've ever loved before. I did it because I love you more than my life. I love you more than my very own existence, Jax. That's why I did it. I faked it. I faked the abortion. And then I lied to you. I lied to you and kept hidden from you the reasons why I did what I did. I hid the pregnancy, and I hid Sydney because I thought we were both going to die, and I couldn't bear the thought of you loo\sing not only the woman you love once more, but your first-born child as well."

She paused for a breath and watched as Jax stared at her in disbelief.

Turning from him, she choked back a sob as she added softly, "Living with the knowledge that you hated me was one thing I could tolerate, Jax. But living with the knowledge that you were in pain and were hurting and blaming yourself over losing your family was one thing I could never and will never tolerate. I'm sorry, but I love you too much to let you do that."

-TBC-