Beyond Repair

By: Lesera128

Rated: M

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am just playing in someone else's sandbox….

Summary: Secrets abound as Skye reluctantly returns to Australia at AJ's behest despite the fact its where her marriage to Jax ended in disaster the previous year. AU. Skye/Jax. SAX.

Author's Note: I am reposting some of the older works that I have saved on my harddrive. Old-time SAX fans may remember this story. It was originally posted under my other penname [MuseofJaynor] at the Skye messageboard fan fiction archive. Many people already know this, but in case you were wondering, yeah, that was me.

Skye stayed with her body pressed tightly against Jax's back for a long time. She wasn't sure how much time passed as they stayed connected, her body to his, two people melding into one. They said nothing; all that needed to be said had already been uttered. Her hands clasped loosely about his waist, and she laid her right cheek against his back. Her breathing slowing down, eventually Skye came to realize that she and Jax were breathing in and out in exactly the same manner and exactly the timed pattern - short, slow breaths. In and out. In and out - one breath at a time.

And perhaps this was the first step for Skye realizing what she had been in denial about all along. No matter what she did, no matter what either one of them did, they couldn't break that connection. The bond that held them together was stronger than anything that could ever be thrown at it in an attempt to break it. Time. Distance. Lies. Betrayal. Manipulation. Schemes. Hurt. Pain. Deception. None of it mattered in the grand scheme of things, for the bottom line was, that despite all that had happened, they still loved each other.

Never before in her life had Skye felt so comfortable as she had right at that particular moment. Jax's warmth had always made her feel safe. And secure. And happy. Closing her eyes, a small smile escaped to adorn her lips as she realized she could feel the beating of Jax's heart. Strong and rhythmic and steady, it betrayed little of the chaos that Jax was feeling.

At last, Jax stepped away from Skye and turned around. Their daughter still clutched in his arms, Skye felt her heart melt as she saw the small head of auburn curls lying in peaceful contentment on his shoulder. Looking up into her eyes, Jax's first words betrayed some of the emotion that he felt for her.

"I didn't know if you would come back or not."

Skye turned her down to look at the floor. Her head shook slightly as she responded, "To be honest, I wasn't sure if I was going to either."

"What changed your mind?" he asked softly.

Looking up, she breathed a swift breath of air before she replied. "Carly."

"Is she all right?" Jax asked.

Nodding her head, Skye clasped her hands together in front of her. "She's fine. A.J. is going to bring her home tomorrow."

"You two have gotten to be good friends, haven't you?" Jax asked, the curiosity plain in his voice.

Skye merely nodded. "She convinced me not to run anymore, Jax. Not to run out of fear… and not to run from you."

Nervous energy suddenly in abundance, she turned from him and began to pace the room. "She's pregnant, Jax."

Silence reined between the two, the air so thick between them that Skye felt that she could almost reach out and touch a physical manifestation of that which separated her from Jax and their baby. Skye stopped in her pacing, and moved back to stand in front of Jax. During her movements, he had come to sit on the bed. Sydney was obviously dozing contentedly as Jax held her steady against his shoulder. Skye smiled again as she looked on father and daughter, thoughts of Carly forgotten.

"She likes you," Skye said softly.

Jax smiled. "I like her, too." He looked away from Skye for a moment and then turned his head back to hers as he nodded. "She's incredible, Skye."

"She's your daughter, Jax. How could she be anything but?" Skye said.

Moving forward, she bent down next to the bed. Grasping Jax's free hand in her own, she clasped it between her hands. Caressing it softly, she nodded her head in the general direction of the door. "Do you know where her nursery is?"

Jax shook his head.

"Come on, I'll show you," Skye said.

Hesitant, Jax replied, "I don't want to give her up just yet, Skye. I... I just found her, and I don't want to lose her. I don't... I don't want to say good-bye just yet..."

Skye smiled. "Jax, please? We need to talk, and it's best if Sydney goes down for the night anyhow."

"But-" Jax began to protest.

Squeezing his hand in a reassuring manner, Skye smiled. "I promise, Jax. You'll never lose her. And you'll never have to say good-bye to her again."

Standing, she released his hand from her grip. Extending a hand again, this time she wanted Jax to make the choice. All she could do was make the offer. Holding the hand there, a part of Skye was terrified that he would reject her. However, when his hesitantly came up to grasp Skye's extended hand, she chided herself once again for not having faith in the incredible man standing in front of her. Rising slowly, Jax was careful not to wake the baby as he followed Skye out of the bedroom.

Going next door, Skye pushed the door to Sydney's nursery open. She nodded in the general direction of the crib. Jax viewed the room with a slightly surprised glance upon his face. He looked at Skye in askance, but she merely nodded in answer to his unspoken question. The same room that Skye and Jax had once considered using as a nursery when they had been daydreaming about having children one day during one of their twilight talks on the beach was the same room in which their daughter now resided. Moving forward, he gently placed his precious burden in the crib on her stomach. The baby gave off a series of small sighs as Skye reached in and tucked a soft, purple wool blanket around her daughter. Reaching down, she brushed her lips softly against her daughter's forehead.

"Goodnight, my sweet miracle. Goodnight," Skye whispered.

Turning, she saw that Jax was watching her in awe. She merely smiled again, and once more, took his hand in hers. Guiding him out of the nursery, she shut the door quietly behind them. Skye then proceeded to pull Jax back towards her bedroom. He followed with little protest, and when they were back inside, Skye pressed the wooden door shut tightly. Jax watched her with interest as she proceeded to take off her earrings and the wristwatch she was wearing. She struggled with the clasp on her necklace. Jax moved forward out of habit.

"Here, let me help," he said.

Taken aback, Skye nodded slowly. "All right."

Lifting her hair up off her shoulders, she felt Jax's warm hands on her neck as he fumbled with the clasp on the gold and amethyst necklace. She couldn't help it as goose bumps began to rise as the little hairs on the back of her neck went up as Jax's fingers accidentally caressed them. Her heart seemed to stop beating for a few seconds before Jax said triumphantly, "A-ha, got it."

"Thank-you," Skye whispered as she took her free hand and reached out for the necklace.

Jax gave it to her, and then said softly, "Do you want me to take off the other chain as well? The silver chain with the pearl on it?"

Skye shook her head. "No."

"Why not?"

"I always wear it," Skye said.

She could feel Jax's head move close so that it was resting on her shoulder near her ear. "And why is that?"

"To keep some part of you close to me always even when you're not with me," Skye replied honestly. It was instinct whenever Jax was this close to her.

For some reason that alluded either one of them, Jax moved his head closer to Skye's ear. His whisper was soft, sensual. "I'm here with you now."

One hand was still holding her hair off of her neck, while Skye's other free hand itched to come up and touch Jax's face. Using every ounce of self-control that she had, Skye reasoned that she was doing remarkably well for a woman in her position. Granted it was an unusual position, but nonetheless, Skye still reasoned that she was doing well. However, when Jax proceeded to lower his lips to her neck, Skye felt any self-control she was in possession of go out the nearest window. Her head arched against his, as her free hand came up and ran throw his gelled hair. She felt as if she had been shocked, a static of electricity being exchanged between the two. The warm moisture of his breath sent her head pounding and her heart racing. Feeling more out of control than she could possibly remember, Skye realized that if one of them didn't stop things before too long, it would be too late.

As his lips began to move lower from her neck down to her shoulder blade, Skye heard a small gasp escape from her lips. That was enough to jerk some common sense back into her as she reluctantly pulled away.

"No, Jax."

Looking up at her with confusion and hurt in his eyes, he shook his head. "I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you were feeling the same things I was."

Skye clinched her hands together as she turned around to face him. "Please, don't be sorry. You're not at fault here. I am."

"You?"

Skye nodded. "You weren't misinterpreting me. You were reading me loud and clear… interpreting me in all the right ways. I want this as much as you do, but we can't."

"I don't understand," Jax said softly. "If you feel the same way about me as I do you, then why can't we act on it?"

Skye shook her head. "I didn't come back here and ask you to my room for sex, Jax. Honestly, I didn't. I just wanted to talk. I still do. But…. but, I just can't help myself around you."

Turning slowly, Skye moved towards the bed. Sitting on the edge, she clasped her hands in her lapsas Jax pondered a response. Skye mistook his silence for rejection as she looked up at him with tears edging into her eyes. "I'm sorry, Jax. I am so sorry about so many things."

Jax moved forward and came to bend down in front of Skye. This time it was his turn to grasp her hands in his as he smiled. "Don't be."

"Don't be? How can I not be, Jax?" Skye said softly. "After all that I've done... after all the lies, pain, and hurt I've caused you, feeling a little guilt is a light sentence indeed." She turned her head from his, unable to bear it as his piercing blue eyes attempted to look into her teary gaze.

"Skye," Jax said quietly. "Please, look at me."

Biting her lip, she didn't resist as Jax took a hand and gently moved her chin so that her face came to look into his. Skye was utterly astonished when she finally lifted her gaze to his. Expecting to find pain, hurt, betrayal, and any number of negative emotions, Skye was astonished to see only one thing burning brightly in his eyes. One emotion, pure and true and clean. One emotion that Skye had never thought to see there ever again. Love. Nothing but love shone in his eyes as he stared at Skye. She shook her head, tears flowing softly.

"Jax, please don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't do this."

"Don't do what, Skye?"

Skye was silent for a moment before she said softly, "Please don't look at me like you still love me."

Jax eyed the woman in front of him, never breaking his gaze from hers. She was in so much pain. And she had done some horrible things, to a number of people, himself included. But, if Jax didn't know anything else, he realized that whatever negative consequences her actions had, Skye's motives had been based upon nothing but love. Her intent had never been one based on malice or negativity. For that reason alone, Jax knew that he still loved her. Now, getting her to believe that fact would be the tricky part.

Moving forward, Jax silenced Skye the only way he had ever truly known how to make her believe what he was saying. Raising his head up to hers, his lips brushed softly over hers. Already wet from her tears, Jax kissed the saltiness away as he started his movements slowly. Her bottom lip begged to be kissed, and so that was where Jax concentrated his efforts. Pulling at her, he was so tender in his ministrations that it nearly broke Skye's heart into a thousand different pieces. Coming up off of his knees, Jax pushed Skye's body down onto the bed. Their two bodies melded into one as her hands wrapped around his neck. Rolling over slowly so that she was not crushed under his weight, when they at last broke a part for air, he was pleased to see she was no longer crying. His hand coming up to brush a stray lock of her hair out of her face, he smiled.

"God help me, but I still love you, Skye."

"Jax, please..." she began in protest.

Placing a finger gently on her soft lips to silence her, Jax smiled. "I still love you, Skye. I still love you. I suppose I never stopped loving you. And I've tried to deny that and suppress those feelings since the last time I saw you in the cemetery. But, I just can't do it anymore. Hell, I'm not sure I ever even stopped. I love you."

"Jax-" Skye whispered.

His response was to pull her down on top of him. Reaching for another kiss, he whispered to her, "I just can't help myself. You're in my blood, like a damn narcotic. You're addictive, Skye. Too addictive."

"But, there is still so much I have to tell you," Skye whispered.

Jax shook his head. "It can wait. Whatever it is, it can wait."

"Jax-"

"Skye, shut up and let me make love to you," Jax said quietly, his voice coarse with desire. "Please, just for the next few hours, let's pretend that nothing's happened. We're together, and we can be happy if even for just a little bit of time. Just let me make love to you, Skye."

"But-"

"Let me love you, Skye. Let me love you."

Her resolve melting away, her hands came down to his shirt. She fumbled with the buttons, unused to undressing a man in the year and a half since she and Jax had last been together in the very bed they occupied now. In her impatience, she at last just gave the shirt a hasty pull. The buttons went flying everywhere as the white shirt gave way to reveal the bronzed skin that had haunted Skye's dreams for night after night for months.

For his part, Jax was busy of his own accord in trying to help Skye slip out of her sun dress. The zipper seemed to be stuck, but when Skye shifted to her right just a few inches, it seemed to come unstuck instantly. Pulling the zipper down all the way, Skye momentarily stopped in her own project of stripping Jax to raise her hands above her head. He helped pull the sun dress off of her in a matter of mere seconds, leaving her clad in a beautiful cream colored lace bra and matching panties. She was more lovely than he had ever remembered, to the point that he felt his breath disappear. His began to move of their own volition, and before either realized it, every single piece of Skye and Jax's clothing lay discarded and scattered on the floor.

Hesitancy and uncertainty soon gave way as the old lovers came together. Their intensity began to climb as the seconds passed. Each began to reacquaint themselves with the all too familiar body of the other that had become immortalized in their memories while time and distance parted them. For the first time in such a long time, some of the hurt that fate had inflicted upon both of them was soothed as they consummated their union once more.

The first time that Jax brought Skye to the point of physical release, it was as if they weight that had been placed upon her since the afternoon Dr. Kavira told her she was pregnant fell away with everything else that caused her trouble and discomfort in her life. With this man, in his arms, surrounded by his love, Skye truly felt as if nothing could hurt her ever again. She felt a burst of renewed and hopeful confidence. She finally believed that there was nothing that they couldn't overcome together.

A few hours passed, but both Skye and Jax were hesitant to sleep. Each feared when they woke they would come to realize what had just transpired between them would amount to nothing more than a dream. And so Skye remained locked in Jax's arms, and they talked, and then they made love. And then the cycle began all over again.

After the fourth time that they had come together, Skye turned so that she was laying curled against Jax. His hands came to rest on the flat concavity of her stomach. She smiled as his hands began to trace to scars that his eyes came to regard with curiosity.

"I don't remember you ever having these before," Jax whispered, as his finger went up and down the pale skin of Skye's stomach. "What are these?"

"Scars," Skye murmured.

"From what?"

"Sydney," Skye said.

"Sydney?" Jax asked curiously.

Skye nodded as a sigh of contentment escaped from her lips. Taking his hand in hers, she guided his finger over the larger scar first. "This one is from her delivery."

"You had to have a C-section?" Jax asked softly.

Skye nodded again. "I was in labor for eighteen hours with her, Jax. But, when she was an embryo, she didn't implant in my uterus. A normal delivery wasn't an option due to where the placenta attached in my abdominal cavity. A c-section was the only way to get her out and keep me from bleeding to death.."

"But it was a normal delivery, right? Everything was okay for you and her?"

Skye's eyebrows arched for a moment as she frowned. Jax noticed and asked, "What?"

Skye looked away for a split second before she turned her head back to him and shook her head. "Her delivery went fine, but, there were complications for me."

"Complications?" Jax asked with concern.

Skye nodded. "I started to hemorrhage and… well, let's just say I lost a lot of blood in a lot of time. I think I coded once or twice. But, five transfusions later, I woke up and AJ was there telling me about my beautiful baby girl."

"Skye, I am so sorry," Jax said softly. "I am so sorry I wasn't there with you. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone."

"I didn't," Skye replied with a smile. "Like I said, A.J. was with me the entire time. He... he even did the one thing that got me to continue to fight for Sydney when I was so tired and in so much pain that I wanted to give up in the delivery."

"What was that?" Jax asked.

Turning her head, she reached for his lips. When the broke a part, she smiled and said, "That bastard told me that if I wouldn't fight for my baby and do it for her sake than that I had to do it for you. He told me to do it for you because I owed you that much at least."

"Oh, Skye..."

"And he was right," Skye whispered.

Reaching up, Jax gave her another kiss. When they broke a part again, Jax's finger came and traced the smaller scar. "And what about this one?"

Skye sighed. "That's a bit of a longer story."

"We've got time," Jax said.

"The short version?"

"All right."

"When my pregnancy was first diagnosed, it was termed as an ectopic pregnancy, Jax."

"What's that?"

"It means that the embryo doesn't implant in the uterus. It implants somewhere else that is shouldn't. Like the fallopian tubes, or, in my case, the abdominal cavity."

"Why?"

Skye shrugged. "There are lots of different reasons. It just depends on the case."

"And in yours?"

Skye bit her lip as she said, "You remember I told you I had a problem with alcohol for a long time?"

Jax nodded.

"When I was very young, I got drunk one night and was stupid enough to get into a car. I smashed it into a tree, and the end results were internal injuries so bad that I was told I would never had children."

"But, you proved them wrong," Jax said with a smile.

"Sydney proved them wrong," Skye corrected. "My uterus had too much scar tissue to have a normal pregnancy form there of its own accord. That is why the fetus implanted in the abdominal cavity."

"Meaning?"

Skye sighed softly as she shook her head. "Meaning, that is what put all of it into motion, Jax. I was told I would have to abort the pregnancy or it would terminate of its own volition when the fetus grew to large for the area it was inhabiting in my body. I was told if that happened, I would like die of hemorrhaging myself. And, during her delivery, I almost did."

Jax sat up on his arms. He looked at her with concern blazing in his eyes. He nodded slowly, comprehension at last dawning, "And that's why you never told me. You didn't have the strength to kill our child and were afraid I would have to watch you both die."

Skye merely nodded. She forced a smile before she continued, "More than 98% of all ectopic pregnancies end in either the death of the fetus or the mother or both, Jax. I just couldn't watch you lose more people that you love."

"And the 2%? What about them?" Jax asked.

Skye shook head her slowly. "Experimental drugs and radical surgical procedures."

"Meaning?"

"I had to try something, Jax. Anything to fight for our child. And so I went on the drugs to aid her development outside the uterus that would increase my chances of being able to carry her almost near to term if I was lucky." Skye paused for a second, unsure of how much of the truth she could tell to Jax. At last she decided there had been enough lies. "The drugs worked, Jax. Odds against odds, they worked. I was able to carry her almost to term. She came about a week early, six or seven days before my due date. But, close enough so that she was perfect when she came out. That's why I call Sydney my miracle..."

"But?" Jax prodded as he hesitantly waited for the other shoe to drop.

Skye sighed, "But the drugs had side effects."

"What kind of side effects?" Jax asked.

"The drugs, combined with the stress on my system from the pregnancy itself were too much for my kidneys. It damaged my left kidney beyond repair." Skye was silent before she added, "I have never told anyone the truth about this. Even Carly... and she knows all my secrets... I told her the kidney damage was from the initial car accident all those years ago. The truth of the matter is, the drugs did it to my system. I was told it was a possibility, but it seemed a small price to pay for Sydney's life."

Jax shook his head slightly. "What does it all mean, Skye?"

"I'm at risk for kidney failure anytime, Jax," Skye said softly. "That's why I gave Sydney to A.J. and Carly after she was born. I was in the hospital for two months going through dialysis and taking God knows how many drugs more drugs. I knew I could die, that I probably was going to die, and I didn't want Sydney to have to go throw what I did in having a whacked out family life as a child. I knew A.J. and Carly could give her what I couldn't,"

"And me, Skye? What about me?" Jax asked quietly.

Biting her lip, Skye said, "I knew that if you knew about Sydney, it wouldn't be enough for you. You would still come looking for me, and would have to watch me die. I couldn't have you go through that again, Jax."

"Skye..."

"Jax, please. I am not telling you any of this to make you feel sorry for me."

"Then why?"

"I am telling you because you need to know. A.J. and Carly decided that Sydney belongs with her real parents. With the new baby coming, I think they took it as a sign from fate as agreement with their plans. They are still going to be a part of her life, but they want Sydney to be with us," Skye said.

"Are you saying what I think you are saying?" Jax asked.

Skye merely nodded. "There are so many screwed up things in my life right now… in our lives. But I want to try to fix what I can. There are no guarantees about my health. But, being in your arms again... being with you has made me realize that life is just too short. We have to take the joyous experiences where we can find them." She smiled as she gave his words back to him from a life time ago.

"Joyous experiences, ehh? Are you offering me a joyous experience, Ms. Chandler-Quartermaine?" Jax whispered in her ear, as he pulled her close.

Skye grinned. "I'll do my best."

Rolling on top of Jax, sliding down the length of his body, she looked down into his eyes with nothing but the purity of her emotions showing. "I love you, Jasper Jax. No matter what happens, always remember that."

Morning came far too quickly for Jax. When he awoke, he felt like a new man. Stretching out in the bed, he was momentarily surprised when he reached for Skye and found nothing but cold bed space.

"Skye?" he called, thinking perhaps she was in the bathroom.

Getting up, he reached down onto the floor for his pants. He was surprised to see them all gathered and neatly folded in a pile on a nearby chair. Reaching for them, his eyebrows quirked in curiosity, he pulled them on quickly. Checking the bathroom and the terrace, he saw no trace of Skye.

Guessing that perhaps she went to check on Sydney, Jax headed towards the nursery. His heart dropped when he saw his daughter peacefully sleeping in her crib, and next to her sat an envelope with his name on it.

Reaching for the envelope, he immediately recognized Skye's handwriting. He lifted the envelope to his nose and shuddered slightly as he caught a faint whiff of her perfume. Opening it slowly, inside he found three pieces of paper. The first one that caught his attention was an official looking document. He eyed it curiously before he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birth certificate.

Scanning it, he felt his heart twist as he read the words.

NAME: Sydney Jayna Jacks.

BORN: June 16th, 2002 - Sydney, Australia.

MOTHER: Antoinette Skye Chandler-Quartermaine.

FATHER: Jasper Jacks.

Jax felt his throat tighten as he realized that Skye had been telling his the truth last night. All of it. She had indeed never stopped loving him. She had listed him on the birth certificate. Sydney wasn't a Quartermaine, despite what everyone believed. She was his daughter, and Skye had acknowledged that from the beginning.

"Skye..." Jax whispered as he flipped to the second sheet of paper.

This one he could see was a note.

It was simple in what it stated.

Jax-

Come the morning light, I thought maybe both of us had just shared the same wonderful dream. But, then I realized better. Last night was indeed real, very real. I meant what I said. And contrary to what my absence may seem to you, it does not mean that I was lying when we were together last night. I meant every word I said. I am not running from you. Last night was about beginnings, not endings. What we did fixed something I thought once broken beyond repair. I know better now. However, the choice for me to stay with you and our daughter is no longer mine to make right now. Believe in me when I say that I love you and I love Sydney more than you can know. I leave now, not because I want to, but because I have to… not for me, but for someone else. I must do a daughter's duty and will soon return. Please don't try to look for me. I promise you on the life of our daughter and the love out of which she was created, I will come to you both when I am able. I love you.

~Skye

Tears in his eyes, befuddled and confused, Jax stared at the last piece of paper in the envelope. It was different from the other two in that it was mere notebook paper. Again, Jax recognized Skye's scribblings. The paper was a mess, words scratched out here and there. Looking closely, he tried to make out what was originally there.

It read:

"Once there was darkness, but in your arms I am surrounded by light. Safety, happiness, love. And then I woke up from such a beautiful dream and realized that the only truth could be found hidden in the shadows of what once was and may never be again.-"

However, going done farther, Jax could see the more recently added lines in Skye's handwriting, different in the ink that was there. These lines were not crossed out, and Jax could read them as plain as day.

The revised version read:

"Once there was darkness, but in your arms I am surrounded by light. Safety, happiness, love. And then I realized that the only truth I need or care out comes out of that beautiful dream which we share together. Hidden in the shadows of what once was for so long, now it awaits us in the creation of that which is new and whole. That which is and will always be-"

Tears streaming down his eyes, Jax clutched the paper to his chest, unsure of what the day would bring or why fate had given him just one night before cruelly taking away the one thing that he had ever wanted most in the world.

-TBC-