Fangtasia Stories: Melon Pranks

Set at the end of Definitely Dead

The bar was already open when Pam wandered in through the back entrance. Eric had called the previous night to say he was on his way back, before filling her in on some of the details of his trip. After their brief conversation had ended, she'd removed all the feminine touches which had accumulated in his office in the few days since he'd been gone.

She felt the presence of her maker in the building, and headed for his office. She thought she heard him humming a tune. Was that Avril Lavigne? She stopped dead still and listened.

"Mm-hmm-mm acting like somebody else hmm-mmm-strated."

He stopped, possibly sensing her presence. She shook her head, knocked once on the door and carried on into the room.

"You're back."

"I am," Eric responded, still scribbling away.

"Were you humming Avril Lavigne just then?" she asked, seriously.

"Anvil who?" He lifted his eyes briefly from the page he was working on, and shook his head. "I have no idea what or who you are talking about. You're late."

"Actually, it was my night off, but I thought I'd better catch up with you here."

Pam glanced down at the desk and noticed she'd forgotten to remove a fruity lip balm when she'd cleared up. It was a little yellow tin, and there was a smiling cartoon pineapple on the front of it. She had no need for such a thing, really, since her lips never got dry. Eric thought using unnecessary human paraphernalia like that was ridiculous, but Pam sometimes liked to be obtuse. She reached forward to palm it. Eric placed his hand on top of hers over the balm, and looked up. His lips had a sort of glossy sheen to them.

"Leave it."

Pam withdrew her hand and sat down. "Well, welcome home," she said, smiling. "How was New Orleans?"

Eric put his pen down and sat back in his chair, and smacked his lips, enjoying the soft fruitiness.

"Enlightening," Eric said, smiling. "Plus I got to fuck shit up with a sword."

"Yes, you mentioned that last night. How lovely."

"I was outstanding."

"I'll bet you were. You are quite a sight to behold, when you're fucking shit up with a sword. And weren't you witness to some telepath on Were action?"

"I was."

"I can't believe I missed all the fun! Sookie has fae blood!" Her fangs ran out at the mere thought of it. Her eyes were positively twinkling from the joy of the gossip. "And all this about Bill! I still can't believe he managed to pull the wool over everyone's eyes, coming here on the queen's orders to seduce Sookie."

Eric growled low in his chest, and his whole body tensed.

"It was not entirely unexpected. I knew he was hiding something. I just thought perhaps he was a closet transvestite or that the queen had him doing some kind of embarrassing menial work, like taking care of her extensive collection of stuffed lapdogs, or creating a database record of all her earrings. I didn't think she'd have an idiot such as Bill do something like that."

"I could have done it much better," Pam said.

"What?"

"Seduce Sookie."

Eric was momentarily lost for words. He stared at her, angrily, and she just smiled back.

"She is not that way inclined, Pam."

"Or you, obviously. You would have done a stellar job."

He nodded his head in agreement. But the thought of misleading Sookie, gaining her trust and then delivering her into the hands of the queen, left a nasty taste in Eric's mouth. He wondered briefly, if Sophie-Anne had commanded him, what he would've done. How would he have reacted and dealt with the situation? Would he have accepted his queen's orders and done his duty, as Bill had? What other option would there have been, after all?

"Or the queen could have just approached her in a more open and reasonable way," Eric said, quietly.

"Yeah, like the queen of Louisiana is going to be reasonable when it comes to procuring humans. But why get Bill doing her dirty work?"

Eric's response was immediate, since he'd already gone over this in his mind very recently.

"Because Sookie was completely naïve when it came to vampires. Sophie-Anne would have known this, and used it to her advantage. She would not have trusted me with the task. I am more..." Eric shrugged a shoulder. "Intimidating. Bill is obviously very good at pretending to be something he is not. He also takes orders easily, and I don't. The queen knew I would use Sookie's talents for our benefit in the area, and that I would be reluctant to give up such a precious... useful commodity. Our queen fears my power and intelligence, of course."

"Hmm." Pam chewed that over for a while, before continuing. "So do you think Bill really does mainstream, or is that just part of the act?"

"I truly think he is incredibly dull, and doesn't fully accept his condition as a vampire, but it's mostly an act. Mainstreaming is good PR for the queen, that's all she cares about, and Bill seems happy to go along with it. In reality I'm betting he's hardly any more mainstream than you are, Pam."

"Shut up!"

"Seriously. I'm guessing he still has terrible taste in clothes, though, and his hairdo really has been trapped in the 1860's."

Pam nodded in agreement.

"Like, hello? Hasn't he ever heard of styling gel?"

"Obviously not. What has happened here?" Eric asked, changing the conversation topic. "Let's hear it."

"Just the usual," Pam sighed. "A couple of visitors from Area Three, and a minor dispute about some blood-dealing. We had a party of boisterous frat boys in which I had to take care of, as well as a small scuffle between a couple of vamps over a pet, and, oh!" Pam smiled excitedly. "We had a real protestor outside, night before last. She had a home made sign and everything."

"Really," Eric said, disinterestedly.

"Yes. Some frumpy, middle-aged woman. Her sign said 'Vampires Go Home' on one side, and 'Vamps are Satan's Evil Whores' on the other."

"God. And they wonder why we've been preying on their useless carcasses for so long. Go home where? Transylvania? Fellowship idiots."

"She spelled vampires wrong, as well. She spelled it VAMPERS."

Eric shook his head.

"How do they think they are going to make a difference and oppress our kind when they make such basic errors? Really, it's embarrassing."

"I know, that's what I said to her, right before I..." her voice trailed off. "Did you see the notice board? Maxwell Lee's misplaced one of his favorite cufflinks."

Eric looked at his child with some concern.

"What did you do to her? This protester woman."

Pam shrugged and smiled innocently.

"Nothing."

"Are you sure? Is she still alive? You didn't drain her, did you, just because she is ignorant and makes basic spelling errors?"

"No." Pam looked away, and twirled a lock of her perfectly straight, pale blonde hair around her finger.

"Paaaam."

"I did a small amount of glamoring, that's all."

Eric stared at her, waiting for her to continue.

"I had a quiet word. I didn't scare her, I did her a favor. I might have persuaded her to ditch the self-righteous campaigning and shown her the error of her ways. She feels much more warm towards our type now. She was in last night, all over Clancy like a rash. I encouraged her to take some English classes, as well."

"Was that all?"

Pam pursed her lips.

"I drew a little mustache on her face. In permanent ink."

Eric sighed. "Oh, that's very mature, Pamela."

"It was an improvement. It matches the beard she already had."

Eric leaned an elbow on the desk and rubbed his forehead.

"You know there is no glamoring allowed on premises."

"I did it on the street, where she was protesting. Don't worry, I was very subtle."

"We can't glamor everyone. It's immoral."

"Immoral? What's up with you? Are you the glamor police?"

"It's also dangerous. You know how sparingly our influence should be used, since it's one of the things that humans are still totally ignorant of. Do you think her associates won't be confused or concerned about her sudden change of heart? They'll just accept that she's decided to become a fang banger? And how will she explain the mustache?"

Pam waved a hand. "Well, anyway, I'm sure she'd thank me, if she realized what I'd done. She'll have much more fun in here than out there with her tatty sign, looking all grumpy and getting angry about something she actually knows nothing of. Her life will be much improved. I gave her some complimentary fashion tips, and recommended a very good salon, as well. Her hair was really quite dry. Almost crumbly. She needed some intensive conditioning treatments."

Eric sat back in his chair again and relaxed.

"Don't do that anymore, Pam. Did anything else happen?"

"Not really, no. Clancy has become obsessed with line dancing, and he won a little trophy night before last. I cleaned your office, and we had another batch of calendars come in."

"Ah, good," Eric smiled. "I was needing a stock replenishment. The sales of the male calendar are going through the roof."

"Hmm," Pam smiled smugly. "So are mine."

"Really? You are not glamoring people into purchasing your calendar as well, are you?"

"Oh please, I don't need to do that."

"Because if I found out that you were, you would be immediately disqualified and our little bet would be void, and you would have to complete a very, very serious forfeit. Something much worse than sampling the savory, meaty flavor of Bill's moobs."

Pam pulled a disgusted face. "Don't mention the moobs, you know how it makes me feel. My calendar is selling very well, thank you."

"Good, good. I am pleased."

They exchanged a competitive stare. Eric usually won their bets, but Pam was sure she had this one in the bag.

"So, I suppose Sookie hates Bill now," Pam said, changing the subject. "Moobs and all. Whyever she fell for that tormented hero crap I'll never know. She's only human, I suppose. Well, mostly human, eh?"

"I suppose she is fairly angry at him, yes, now that she knows the truth of what he is." He leaned back in his chair, thinking. He remembered the tears. The pain of the betrayal manifesting itself in her eyes. "Perhaps she will learn to be less trusting."

"Is she still dating Quinn? He might turn out the same. He came with a message from the queen too, didn't he?"

Eric ground his teeth together, and his nostrils flared at the mention of the tiger.

"I don't know if she is still seeing him. But he is obviously quite useless." Completely unable to protect Sookie, it appeared. Eric was thankful that he and Sookie had established their bond. Weak as it was, right now, he was still able to locate her. He'd been able to track her easily when they'd been kidnapped. While this made him relax a little, it all so infuriated him that she was dating some useless twerp who could not keep her safe himself, and also it made him angry because he cared too much. He reminded himself that he needed to be focusing on his own welfare, not Sookie's.

Well, she is the area telepath, a little voice in his head said. You are supposed to protect her, sheriff. She is useful to the area, and to you.

Are you sure that's all? A different, warm, dreamy voice said. The way she had the situation under control when you got there, stun-gunning one of her captors and then grappling with that Were, Pelt. Don't tell me you aren't smitten with her. She's extraordinary.

Well, she said she had fairy blood, didn't she? The serious, rational voice said. Explains the unusual interest.

It's more than that. She is meant to be yours. You were meant to be together.

She is just a human. You need to detach from your emotions. You want her physically, that's all. She will yield. She'll come to you.

You want more. You should go to her.

You are being weak.

"It's not like that," Eric said out loud.

"What isn't?" Pam said.

Eric sighed.

"Nothing."

"She should not be dating that idiot," Pam said. "She could do a lot better," she added, with a smirk.

"Yes, no doubt she could."

"I always thought tall, blonde and handsome was more her type. Not bald, sweaty and furry."

Eric gave her a glare.

"Perhaps Miss Stackhouse would do well to be single for a while."

"Hmm, sow her wild oats, eh?" Pam said with a wink. "Experiment? Maybe I could-"

"No," Eric interrupted. "No oat sowing. Just... she just needs to stay out of trouble."

"I like when she gets in trouble. She is a great source of entertainment. I like having her around the place, getting beat up and getting you all excitable. I don't remember you ever having such an interest in a human."

"Pam."

"It's a bit weird, obviously. But I can see why you want her, she's quite..." Pam gestured with her hands, and Eric knew she was thinking of saying something like 'busty'. "You know. And now Bill is definitely out of the picture, you can take her, have sex with her again, and then get over all this... whatever it is you need to get over."

"Just leave it," Eric said sternly. "Pop it down, step away, and back the fuck off."

"But..."

"Allvar," Eric growled. "Sluta."

Pam made a sort of frustrated grumbling noise, but knew when her maker had had enough teasing. She turned and stomped out of the office.

Eric closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind of everything that was tumbling around. He decided it was time to give Sookie some space. It was clear that he was getting far too emotionally involved. He'd hoped that his unusual behavior had been temporary, a mere residual aftershock of the time he was cursed. But it wasn't, was it.

Well, the summit was coming up, and that would be something to look forward to. Sookie would be attending, but in the meantime, Eric pledged to himself that he would not be spending any more time brooding about Sookie. He would not go to her, and he would not think about her inappropriately. But if she came to him, on the other hand, well, that would be a different matter altogether.

He sat back in his chair, closed his eyes, and began to think about her inappropriately.

"Pam," he called out. She was back within seconds.

"What?"

"Make a bulk order on cantaloupes, and get Bobby to fill Bill's car with them during the day. To the brim."

Pam smiled.

"Very good. Anything else?"

"Rotten fish and garlic, on his porch. And make it so that when he opens the screen on his door a bucket of something falls on his head. Like, I don't know, cow's urine."

"I'll get right on it."

Pam turned and strode back out with a spring in her step, like she was on an important mission.

Cantaloupes and stinky fish were just for starters.

This was just the beginning.

A/N: An update? From me? Surely not! Apologies for the wait, I had a rough case of writer's block. I blame Quinn, I think maybe he put me in a funk. Oh, and I've been reading my way through the Black Dagger Brotherhood, as well as trying to handle an unhealthy addiction with Tumblr. Anyway, hopefully I'm back on track now, and the next chapter will be up very soon! I promise!

Wanted to take a moment to say a big thanks to my mate and Beta-extraordinaire, RubySun03. She picks up on all my mistakes, points me in the right direction when I'm veering wildly off course, offers brilliant advice, insight and support, takes time out of her busy schedule to read and go over my stuff, AND does it for free! And never complains! I think she's crazy, and also I think she's great. So I'm sending her some love and some good karma vibes. Cheers, Stacey : )