Fangtasia Stories: Fruit-based Sexual Gratification

Set at the beginning of All Together Dead

Eric came out into the bar. Pam was holding a clipboard, and was behind the bar making notes of the stock.

"How do I look?" Eric asked, placing his hands on his hips, striking a pose.

"What?"

"Do I look good? For... Andre?"

Pam turned around and gave him the once over. He was wearing a fitted, black silk button-down shirt. It showed off his figure perfectly. Similarly, his black trousers were also the perfect fit, and he was wearing an understated black belt and polished black shoes. His hair was shiny and perfectly tousled, and he was looking at her expectantly.

"Oh, yes, very handsome. Andre will be exceedingly impressed with the way that shirt clings to your body like a second skin. I'm sure he'll be positively glowing at the sight of your very impressive biceps, and he'll be licking his lips at that bit of chest hair you're showing."

"I don't mean it like that, Pam. I'm supposed to be looking professional. This is an important meeting, after all."

"You look like sex on a stick. Are you going to attempt to bargain with Andre or seduce him?"

"Neither. We are just going to meet to go over plans for Rhodes, as I explained to you."

"And you're dressing up because...?"

Eric huffed and didn't respond. He turned on his heel, and strode back to his office.

"What time is Sookie getting here?" Pam called after him, smiling. "If she gets here early you could ask her opinion on what might float Andre's boat."

"Did you put that sign up, Pamela?"

She heard his office door slam, and went over to a table and picked up the sign she'd prepared earlier. It read "We'll be ready to greet you with a bite tonight, at eight o'clock. Please excuse our delayed opening. The Staff of Fangtasia." She picked up the tacks she'd found in the storeroom, and headed towards the entrance. As soon as she opened the door, her smile fell.

"Oh. You're early."

"Yes," Bill replied, simply.

She made a point of sighing loudly, and rolled her eyes, before she stepped aside to allow him access to the building. Then she set about sticking her sign to the door, taking her time so she didn't have to spend any more time than necessary in the company of Compton. She kept taking it off and replacing it at a different level, then standing back to make sure it was straight. Finally, Indira turned up, followed by Felicia and Clancy. After Maxwell Lee and Thalia arrived, Pam decided her sign was angled correctly, and it was okay to go back inside.

A couple of fang bangers turned up, and she closed the door in their face. Read the sign, bloodbags.

"You've probably got a virus," Bill was saying as she re-entered the bar area. "I could check it for you if you want. Do you download a lot of adult material?"

"No," Indira responded shortly. "Not at all. I mainly look at photos of cute animals, and catch up on the news."

"Whatever," Thalia droned.

"Who asked you? We all know what you get up to online, with that website you set up where people can log on and watch you crush metal cans between your thighs."

"Oh, not just cans," Thalia said. "Someone wanted me to crush a live chicken between my breasts the other night. I told them to fuck off and never come back. Then I pulverized a toaster under my armpit. Got five thousand hits."

"Wonderful," Pam said, rolling her eyes, before taking a seat at the table where the other vamps had congregated. Eric was still in his office, hiding from his idiot minions, no doubt. "I'm sure your followers were absolutely enraptured at that display."

"You can bet your left tit they were," Thalia sneered. "Stupid, worthless fucks."

Maxwell Lee sighed and checked the cuffs of his pale blue shirt, tugging at them so they were peeping perfectly from beneath his immaculate pin-striped suit.

"Does anyone know if my cufflink has turned up yet?"

"No."

"No," Pam groaned. "You have the largest collection of cufflinks I've ever seen, maybe the largest collection in the world. You need to get over the loss."

"Does anyone want a blood?" Felicia said, getting up. She took a couple of orders and went round to the back of the bar.

"Did you find out who filled your car with cantaloupes?" Maxwell Lee asked Bill.

"Do you think it was witches?" Clancy said, mysteriously. "Witches do that weird kind of shit."

"No, on both accounts," Bill said, pouting. "The sheriff said he was going to launch an extensive investigation, but it appears nothing came of it."

Someone stifled a snort, and Bill looked around the room and pouted some more.

"It was most mysterious," Felicia said from behind the bar.

"Have you ever crushed any cantaloupes?" Pam asked Thalia.

"Many," she responded. "But they are too easy. There's no skill in crushing a cantaloupe."

"Why would anyone do such a thing?" Indira said, shaking her head. "Why cram your car full of cantaloupes?"

Bill crossed his arms in front of his chest and huffed.

"I really have no idea."

"Maybe because you're a bit canta-loopy," Andre said, suddenly appearing from out of nowhere. He waggled his eyebrows and grinned, which only served to make him look even more creepy than usual. Everyone turned to look at him, and a couple of the other vamps laughed politely at his little joke.

"Ah, Andre." Pam rose and offered him a seat. "And Mr. Purifoy, the hairy-were-vamp-crime-against-nature. Please, take a seat. I'll let Eric know we're all here. Felicia, would you fetch our guests a drink."

She went down the corridor to Eric's office and rapped on the door twice.

"Yes."

Pam opened the door. Eric was sitting behind his desk. She could tell he was playing some sort of game on his computer, by the way his fingers were moving on the keyboard. He'd changed into a Fangtasia t-shirt and jeans.

"Busy?"

"Very. Is everyone here?"

"Andre just arrived. Only Sookie is missing."

"She's late," Eric said, looking at the clock on the wall. It was one minute past seven. "Show them in. Let's do this in here, rather than out in the bar." Eric preferred the comfort of his own office and chair for meetings. This was his domain, and nobody fucked with him in his own office, even Andre.

Everyone soon filtered in, jockeying for the best chairs. Clancy beat Bill to a prime position in front of Eric's desk, sliding in quickly like a ninja, and Bill had to retreat and make do with standing against a wall in a dark corner.

"Eric," Andre said, acknowledging the sheriff.

"Andre."

"Are we all here? Shall we begin?"

"Miss Stackhouse is due to be in attendance. Let's give her a couple more minutes."

Andre smiled a little, and Eric noted his fangs were on display.

"The queen will be very pleased to have Sookie available at the summit. She appears to be very useful. Sophie-Anne was quite impressed with her actions in New Orleans."

Eric saw Bill shifting uncomfortably in his corner. They'd yet to discuss anything about what happened during the trip.

"She has her uses," Eric said dryly.

"So I hear," Andre smiled.

"Ah!" Pam stood from the arm of the sofa which she'd been perching on. "I think Sookie has arrived." She did a little excited skip, and trotted out the door.

Eric tried to avoid any more chat with Andre by shuffling some papers on his desk, and went over a couple of reports he had to sign, which Pam had prepared.

"Sookie is quite special, do you not think?" Andre said, in his creepiest creepy voice.

"She is a human, with a special talent," Eric said coldly, without looking up from his desk. "Her telepathy is quite useful for business in our area."

"Not entirely human," Andre corrected. "A talent like hers should be used for the good of the queendom, don't you agree?"

Bill stepped forward a little, and Eric looked up from his papers. Before he could respond, Pam flung the door open.

"Eric. Maybe someday one of the waitresses will get pregnant, and we can have a baby shower!"

Baby what?

"That would be something to see."

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

Eric was relieved when the meeting was finally over. He was antsy about the trip, and about Sookie being a paid employee of the queen. He would need to oversee everything she was asked to do, as well as monitor Sophie-Anne and Andre's actions, very closely.

When Sookie got up to leave, he glared at Compton in warning, and nodded to Pam, who understood and saw Sookie out of the bar. He'd spoken at further length with Andre about the trip and general area business, until, at last, he'd left as well. Eric finally relaxed a little and closed his eyes. He listened to the thump thump of the music coming from out in the bar, now that they'd opened for the evening. At some point someone came into the office, and he knew who it was.

"Why were you glaring at Sookie?"

Eric opened his eyes to see Pam standing over him, leaning on the desk, glowering.

"What?"

"You were being mean."

"I wasn't. Did you see her out?"

"Yes, and I warned Compton not to follow her or speak with her."

"Good."

"You are sending her mixed messages."

"Pam-"

"I know that the full body stretch wasn't for Andre's benefit."

"I needed to stretch."

"Of course you did. You are both as bad as the other. I hate seeing you like this."

"Like what?" Eric asked, exasperated.

"Miserable, and conflicted. Do you need a hug?" Pam said, seriously.

Eric clenched his jaw and tried to contain his anger.

"No. I don't need a fucking hug, Pam."

"Well then what do you need? Eric, you're driving me around the bend. You're grouchy all the damn time, you take your frustration and anger out on everyone. You're being a pig to me too. You're no fun, and you won't talk to me about it or let me help." Pam's lips tightened. "You need to stop being such a bitch."

"You're the one calling me a pig, you bitch."

"I care about you." The words slipped out so fast they were barely intelligible. She looked away for a moment, then met his gaze again. "You know how I care. You're my maker. I don't enjoy seeing you like this. I want you to be happy again."

Eric sighed loudly and relaxed further back into his chair.

"I am fine. Have I really been a bitch?"

"Yes. Nobody wants to speak with you, everyone is more afraid than usual. You snap at all the staff and make snarky comments about their appearance."

Eric looked confused. "Aren't you just describing yourself there?" he said, smiling.

Pam folded her arms in front of her chest and didn't smile back. "You need to get a grip and pull out whatever got rammed up your ass. This behavior isn't good for any of us."

Eric gave her a distinctly chilly glare. Pam was always honest, but she was pulling no punches tonight and her comments were stepping into the territory of insulting.

"Come over here," he commanded, sternly.

Pam paused for a moment, unsure, before stepping towards him. She slowly walked around the desk until she was standing beside him. He rose from his chair, and Pam bowed her head subserviently, preparing herself for whatever punishment was to be delivered.

"I'll take that hug now, Pam."

Pam looked up and smiled at him. Then she wrapped her arms around his torso, and pressed her cheek against his chest, squeezing him tightly. Eric responded, and rubbed her back a little.

"Ooh, yeah. That's good. That's the stuff, right there," Eric said, before kissing her hair.

Pam smiled, and for a minute or so they just stood there holding each other.

"Is that better?" Pam asked, pulling away a little.

Eric raised his eyebrows. "Surprisingly, yes. You give good hug, Pam. They don't come around too often, but when they do, they're worth the wait."

"We should stop now. If someone were to walk in, it could look very wrong."

"Indeed."

They pulled away and Pam dusted herself down, checking for creasage.

"So, does Compton really have to come to the summit?"

"Yes. The queen will expect her little lapdog to be there."

Pam rolled her eyes. "Him and his stupid database. Oh by the way, are we sharing a room again?"

"Yes, I'm afraid we are."

Pam rolled her eyes, then remembered she'd been trying to cheer Eric up.

"Oh well, I'm sure we'll have some fun. Which reminds me, did you see I sent you a special video I made, via email?"

Eric raised an eyebrow.

"No."

"You really should see it."

Pam gave him a wink and flashed him a fangy grin, before floating out of the office. Eric sat back down, and logged in. He clicked on Pam's email to open it, and then opened the video file, which was titled 'Bill the Mainstreaming Fraud'.

A caption came up on the screen.

"Don't trust a mainstreamer."

The film began, and Eric recognized it. Bill was walking through some woods. He stopped, leaned against a tree, and smiled. It was Bill's terrible mainstreaming infomercial. This version was a bit different though. It was overdubbed by Pam, talking in a deep voice, with an over the top Southern accent.

"Hi there suckers. My name is Bill Incompetenton. I'm a mainstreaming idiot bitch."

The film cut to a close up of his face.

"I'm gonna show you what I like to do in my spare time, to try to integrate into the community of the little dull town I live in. Pretending to be human can be a lot of fun."

Cut to Bill turning around and pointing at the camera, one eyebrow slightly raised.

"Check out my man bangs." Wink.

Eric smiled. His child was a genius.

The film cut to Bill enjoying the football game. Pam made a 'whoop whoop' noise, before Bill turned to camera.

"Wow. Those young men wear really tight pants. They leave very little to the imagination, and I want to touch them all. If you want to pretend to be interested in the human way of life, then sporting events are a good place to start. This place is full of drunken hicks ripe for a draining."

He smiled again and turned back to the action on the field below, waving his foam finger in the air.

"Whoo! Nice ass!"

The film cut to a distance shot of Bill walking through the doors of a supermarket, then a closer shot of him wandering the canned vegetable aisle. He picked up some creamed corn and placed it in his basket, before turning to the camera.

"If you need to gain the trust of a human you later intend to betray, why not begin by making them a casserole? If you're not sure how to do this, read a book you stupid fuck, or google 'recipe for a casserole'. You can stick any old shit in there anyway, and glamor them into thinking it tastes delicious. If, for some strange reason, your human is immune to glamoring, then rely on their good nature. They'll still eat it, even if it tastes like ass, because they won't want to hurt your feelings. Feelings. Remember them? No, me neither." He picked up a can of butterbeans and placed them in his basket, before drifting out of shot.

The camera picked up on Bill at the cold meats counter. The spotty young assistant handed him a package.

"Here's your processed pig flesh, Mr. Compton," Pam croaked over the assistant's lines. "And my phone number as well."

"Thank you, Todd. I can't wait to get a look at your tasty man meat."

Bill placed the package in his basket and turned to the camera.

"Did I ever tell you about the time I got into a fight with Pam Ravenscroft? I once insulted her maker by suggesting that he had an unhealthy relationship with his sword, and she jumped on my back like a monkey and went apeshit on my sorry ass. She beat me to a pulp, and I cried like a little girl. I never truly recovered from the trauma." He smiled at Todd again before drifting out of shot.

The camera cut back to Bill, squeezing a cantaloupe this time. He cocked his head and nodded in a 'that's a nice ripe one' type fashion, and placed it in his basket.

"While Eric Northman may have an unhealthy obsession with his sword, I have a strange and unhealthy attraction to cantaloupes. In fact, any soft, squishy fruits that can be easily penetrated by my tiny penis."

Eric laughed out loud and wiped away a little bloody tear.

The camera cut to Bill at the check out, paying for his items. He put them into a canvas shopping bag which he hooked over his arm.

"So, that's how to mainstream, bitches. Just pretend to be a tortured soul, gain some sympathy and trust, and you can pull the wool over any human's eyes. Make out you like the things they do, and act like a pussy. Then sit back and enjoy their delicious blood, or manipulate them however you feel necessary."

The film finished, with a still photo of Bill smiling and winking. A caption came up that said "Enjoy melons responsibly. And if you see this vampire, kick him."

Eric saved the video to his computer, naming it 'Bill is a Cock', and logged onto the wishlist of Pam's favorite shoe store. He ordered her ten pairs, then got back to work.

A/N: Is this a mirage, or is it yet another chapter? Actually, I'm pretty sure it's a mirage. Or you've been drinking too heavily again. Yeah, I've been meaning to say, you should get some help with that. Seriously.