Fangtasia Stories: Crispy Pamcake

Set after All Together Dead

"Eric, you're flaking."

Eric looked up at Pam, and his eyes followed her as she slid into the booth opposite him.

"You are supposed to be at home recovering," he said, while looking over his bare arms. "And I am not flaking. I'm fully healed."

"There." She leaned forward and scratched her nail against his right hand, picking at his skin. A little bit flaked off onto the table, and Eric snatched his hand back.

"Pam, that's disgusting. Don't do that, especially out here in the bar."

"You need to apply a little more moisturizer, that's all." She sighed heavily, and stuck her bottom lip out. "I was bored, all alone. There are only so many times I can organize my extensive shoe collection before it gets tedious. I am better now anyway, I feel fine, and I'll wear pants until the skin on my leg is fully healed. It's still quite crusty. Did you want to pick at it?"

"Ugh. No, Pamela, I don't."

"The skin burned right off, you know. I could see the bone."

"Very nice."

"It could have been much worse, though, were it not for Sookie. We might not even be here," she whispered. "She came for you. She saved us both."

She looked at him over her brows, waiting for his response. He'd not yet spoken with Sookie and thanked her. How was he even going to begin? They'd both risked their lives for each other in Rhodes, but Sookie had truly saved him. Not because she was obliged to, or wanted anything from him in return, or because she was under orders. Not because they had bonded. Because she cared for him.

"She is..." One of the most amazing creatures he had ever met? Truly strong, compassionate, and a constant surprise? Surely in love with him, given that she came for him, and not others who were in the building? "She was incredibly brave."

Pam waited for more, but she could tell that was his last word on the topic, for the moment.

"Well, shall we have some fun then? Do something exciting?" She grinned mischievously.

"I'm working."

"You're sitting around looking grouchy."

"Working."

Pam groaned.

"Entertain me."

"If you are well enough, then do something useful. Get back to work. I have a million reports to complete and submit to the authorities about what happened in Rhodes."

"Oh, I don't want to do that. I won't be able to concentrate. My leg is too itchy."

Eric rolled his eyes.

"You are always such a whiny bitch when you're healing. You never know what to do with yourself. This happens every time."

"Only with burns. You know how sensitive my skin is when it burns," Pam pouted. "I am particularly pale and delicate. You never heard a peep out of me when I got shot with that cannon, did you?"

"That was years ago, and it wasn't even a cannon ball you got shot with. We went to the circus, and that human cannon ball misread his trajectory and landed on you in the crowd."

"I saved his life. I fractured a rib."

"You did, yes. And you moaned about it for the whole three minutes it took to heal, while my favorite act was on." Eric clutched his side and made a pained face. "Ah, Eric! I think all my ribs have collapsed into my body. They'll never heal correctly! They'll never heal! Fuck the sea lions! This might be my final death!"

"It was actually quite a nasty injury." Pam huffed and sat back in her seat. "Have you heard anything about the queen?"

"The news is not good. Which is another reason I need you back at work. She is completely out of action. Andre is gone, as is Gervaise, and out of the three sheriffs who are left I am the only one with a brain. I'm practically running the whole kingdom. This is the first time I've had a moment to sit and do nothing all week."

"Oh." Pam looked a little guilty. "Well, you should have told me, I could've been working from home."

"You needed time to heal."

"I'm fine now. What do you need me to do?"

Pam looked at him eagerly, and he smiled at her.

"Lots. Right now, you can just sit with me for five minutes, and amuse me. I could do with some amusement."

"Shall I tell you a joke?"

"Please, do. Your jokes are always soooo side-splitting," he said, sarcastically.

"Okay, okay. Here's one, you're gonna love it. I went into this store that sells foreheads. The assistant came up to me and said 'can I interest you in buying a forehead?' I said 'no, I'm just browsing'."

Eric stared at his child, without so much as a smirk.

"How very droll," he said, grimly.

"Well, you just didn't get it. It went right over your head, I can tell. It was too highbrow for you. Highbrow." She winked, but Eric stayed stoney-faced.

"Are you poking fun at my proud forehead, Pam?"

"Of course not."

"Is that really the best you can do for entertainment?"

Pam smiled to herself and rummaged in her purse. She pulled out her cell phone, and Eric heard the soft beep of the buttons as she dialed.

"Who are you calling?" Eric asked.

"Ah, Sookie," she said pleasantly into the phone. Eric's face hardened. "How are you? Are you at work? Oh, good you're at home. Well, I just wanted to tell you my new joke. Eric didn't find it funny, but I think you might appreciate it. Oh yes, I'm fine, almost completely healed, and Eric recovered very quickly. Shall I tell you the joke?"

Eric rolled his eyes and shook his head. He wondered what Sookie was doing, what she was wearing. Was she in bed? Curled up on the sofa? Was she alone? He reached out to feel her through their new blood bond. It was more difficult over large distances, unless the emotion was particularly extreme, but he could make out a sort of happiness. She was relaxed, and pleased to hear from Pam.

"I went into this store that sells eyebrows. Oh, no, wait a minute, it wasn't eyebrows, it was, er..."

"Foreheads," Eric sighed.

"Yes, that's right. I went into this store that sold foreheads. The assistant came up to me and said 'can I interest you in buying a forehead?' I said 'no thanks, I'm just browsing'."

Pam smiled, waiting for Sookie's reaction. Her smile slowly fell.

"No, that was the joke. I didn't really go into a store that sells foreheads. There's no such place, is there?" Pam looked confused and seemed to be doubting herself. "It's a play on words. Browse. Brow. Forehead."

Eric smirked.

"Oh yes, well done, well done. Very funny, Sookie. It was good though, wasn't it? Did you like it? Yes, I knew you would. Eric is sitting here with a face like a smacked backside. Hmm? Quinn? No, I have no idea where he is, and I wouldn't care. How is that lovely housemate of yours? The witchy one?"

Pam smiled and waggled her eyebrows, and Eric became more concerned.

"Well, do say hello from me. She has very good taste in casual wear. You can relay my compliment to her, if you like. Tell her that I thought she had very nice posture, and she seemed like she'd be a dirty bitch in the bedroom."

Eric could hear Sookie's shriek at the other end of the line.

"What? Alright then, don't say that. Do you want to speak with 'the man'? He's been very busy, but he talks about you all the time-"

Eric snatched the phone, and Pam smirked.

"Sookie."

He felt a calm serenity at hearing her voice. He tried to picture her lips speaking the words as she made some pleasantries. He imagined running his tongue over her bottom lip, before gently nipping at it with his teeth, then soothing it again. He wanted to feel her warmth against his skin, and he wanted to be surrounded by her scent. He wanted her, period.

"No, I'm fine. It's busy. There's a lot of work to do here, and Pam has been shirking her duties. Hmm. No, she's fully recovered now, apart from her crispy leg."

Eric looked at his child and smiled, and Pam glowered at him.

"Don't mention the crispiness," she whispered.

"Yes, she's been rearranging her shoes back at her nest while I've been doing all the work. Did you enjoy her joke? Yes, I quite agree, comedy is not one of her strengths. I could only teach her so much. Are you well? Hmm, yes, that's probably the bond." He threw a shifty glance at Pam and lowered his voice. "I was thinking of you, I believe."

Pam waggled her eyebrows again.

"Yes, well, it probably will feel a little odd. We're you thinking of me earlier, Sookie? Oh, one of your romance novels? Hmm. I'm sure. Well, I'll be in contact soon. Perhaps you could read me one of the naughtier passages. Oh, alright."

He looked at Pam.

"What?"

"Sookie has a joke for us. Yes? Oh, wonderful." He put his hand over the mouthpiece. "She says it's a Viking one."

"Oo."

He smiled as he listen to her, then repeated it for Pam.

"The Norse God Thor visited Earth one day, and he met a beautiful maiden. Was she blonde, Sookie? Well, I just wanted to get a good picture in my mind. Good. She's blonde," he relayed to Pam.

"Uh-huh. Does she have nice legs?"

"Pam is asking if she has nice legs." He listened to her response, and looked at Pam. "She says 'foof about the legs, let me get on with the joke'. Yes, go on then, Sookie."

"I was just wondering. I do enjoy a shapely leg."

"He wooed her and used all of his best sexy moves on her and they spent the night together. What did they do, Sookie? Well, do you have any details? Mm, excellent. She says they had hot, rampant sex, all night long," Eric relayed, with a fangy grin. "Like rabbits."

"Oh, well that's sweet."

"Was it like the sex we had while I was at your house, that I still can't remember? Hmm? Alright, fine. Tell your joke. I will remember it though, one day." He listened with a smirk on his face. "The next morning he decided to reveal his true identity to the woman. 'I am Thor', he said." Eric waited, listening intently, before he began chuckling. He shouldn't really be chuckling out in the bar with people watching, but he couldn't help it. "Oh, Sookie. You are a comedy genius!"

"What? What's the punchline?" Pam asked.

"Oh!" Eric was still laughing, and Pam could hear Sookie in hysterics on the other end of the phone. "Ah! Fine, go. Go."

He put the phone down, and calmed his laughing until he was just grinning like a loon.

"What?"

"She was laughing at her own joke and had to run to the bathroom. She said she was going to pee."

"Yes, but what was the punchline?" Pam asked with increased frustration.

"Where was I up to?"

"He reveals his identity. 'I'm Thor'."

"'You're thor!' she says. 'Listhen buthter, I'm tho thor I can hardly thit down!'"

Pam laughed out loud, and it was her embarrassing dying elk laugh. Half the people in the bar turned to look at her, until Eric glared at them and they went back to their own business.

"That is the best Viking joke I ever heard!" Pam said, slapping her hand against her thigh. "Brilliant. She is truly a talent. Multi-talented!"

"Alright Pam, calm down. People are staring, and we have a reputation to uphold."

"Yes, sorry."

"What is all this about her witchy friend?"

Pam dabbed at her eye.

"Ah. Thor." She shook her head, and tried to compose herself. "You know about her, she's that witch from New Orleans who moved in with her."

Eric nodded. It was something he'd meant to find out more about, but hadn't yet gotten around to it. Witches, of course, we're hardly the most appropriate house guests. But if she could be trusted, and she was adept at her craft, well, that might be some form of protection for Sookie at her house.

"You have spoken with this witch?"

"Yes, when I visited Merlotte's last. Her name is Amelia. She seems pleasant. Easy on the eye. I think she was quite enamored with me."

"Do you like her?" Eric asked with a smile.

Pam shrugged. "She's quite pretty."

"Well perhaps you should ask her out."

Pam raised an eyebrow.

"So I can find out more about her? In case she has ulterior motives, staying with Sookie?"

"She is a witch, but she is human. Sookie will be able to read her anyway, so I'm sure she is satisfied with her character if she's invited her into her home. I will do my own background checks. You could do with some fun." His face hardened and he pointed a finger at his child. "But make sure she is respectable, and don't do anything to anger her. I really don't want any more curse problems."

"Fine."

One of the human staff, Lizbet, appeared at the table and bowed.

"Master, there is a call for you," she said, holding out the cordless phone. "Did you want to take it here or in your office?"

"Who is it?" Eric asked.

"Narl? I think it was Narl, maybe Neil, er, Briggand. Or something."

Eric looked confused, and then his eyes widened.

"Brigant? Niall Brigant?"

"Yes! Sorry, master. That's correct."

Eric was momentarily stunned.

Shit. He was no fan of Niall, and could only think of one reason why the fairy prince would be calling him. It wasn't to tell him a Viking joke.

He took the phone, and went to his office.

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

"Niall?"

"Ah, Eric! I was just enjoying that lovely music while I was on hold. Quite melodic. I admit it had me tapping my toes."

"Nine Inch Nails."

"No, I just recently had a pedicure, actually, though they were getting quite long."

"Is there a reason you called me? Or should I put you back on hold?"

"Of course. It's been a long time, vampire."

"Yes." Thankfully, Eric added to himself. "I believe it was 1988. We had some issues with a psychotic wood-elf, resulting in the bloody Battle of the Two Great Oaks. Many lives were lost."

"Many were, yes. But I think we saw each other more recently than that. Attack of the Clones, wasn't it, at the Showcase, a few years back? I saw you in the line at the box office."

Eric sighed and rubbed at the bridge of his nose.

"Can we cut the small talk, Niall?"

"You have recently bonded."

Eric immediately stiffened. Not in a good way.

"I have."

"She is my kin."

Eric's heart sank. He'd been hoping that Sookie's little bit of fae heritage would not come back to haunt her, that it was the result of a quick human fling with a fairy of absolutely no consequence, generations back. Fairies were nothing but trouble, and royal fairies more so.

"What is she to you?"

"Sookie is my great-granddaughter. I have been watching over her for many years, in one form or another. Since her more recent forays into many dangerous situations, I entrusted her care to Claudine. She's aware of her fae blood. Now I think it's time I met her formally."

Eric closed his eyes, and considered his response.

"Why?"

"I would simply like to know her, and help her."

"She does not need your help."

"Perhaps she should be the judge of that. I want you to set up our meeting."

"Why me? Why not Claudine?"

"I want someone outside my kind to introduce us. I think she'll be more comfortable this way. She trusts you, and you are bonded. This could be quite an overwhelming moment for her. You can reassure her."

Eric tried to think of some way of getting Sookie out of it, but there was no other option. Niall would find some other way, and the fairy was right, it would be better if he was there to oversee the meeting, and support her. Protect her, if it came to it.

"When?"

"Shall we say Monday, around 8:00? At Les Deux Poissons?"

Niall's French accent was terrible, he pronounced it 'less derks poosoon', but Eric didn't mention it.

"Yes. I will check with Sookie, and let you know if the day is not good for her."

"Excellent."

Eric hung up the phone, and immediately banged his head against the desk a few times. They'd just got rid of Andre in the bombing, and the queen was out of action for the moment, and now this. Niall might have said he just wanted to get to know his kin, but surely there were other ulterior motives? He was hardly popular, even with his own kind, and his enemies might be a threat. What if he wanted to use Sookie somehow for his own benefit?

Eric banged his head a few more times. Keeping Sookie Stackhouse safe was becoming a full time job. And if the queen didn't pull through, they might have even more problems. Without Sophie-Anne being betrothed to another monarch, the kingdom would be fair game and ripe for the taking by another. They would soon find out about Sookie, if they weren't already aware of her.

He lifted his head from his desk and slowly opened his drawer. He looked at the bundle that was in there; the ceremonial knife wrapped up in a square of black velvet. He stared at it for a while, before slamming the drawer shut again.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed Pam and Sookie's little jokes : )

Thanks as always for your reviews and PMs (that's private messages, not PMS. Let's face it, no one's ever going to thank you for your PMS, unless you force them to at knifepoint). You lot always make me smile and your comments and support for my daft, vampire goof-fest blows me away.