February 16, 2017 – Brittany
Nervously, I pace back and forth in the parking lot. I don't even know why I'm nervous, after all, Santana is inside convincing people of her talent. I drove straight here after receiving her "I love you" message and have been waiting for her for 20 minutes now.
The studio isn't far from my therapist's practice. If I hadn't stopped at the supermarket for chocolate, I'd probably be stomping holes in the ground by now.
It's not until a big Audi parks next to my car that I stop. Is the director only arriving now?
I'm surprised when a dark-haired Latina gets out of the car. It doesn't take me long to realize that she's also here for an interview, since she looks very similar to Santana.
She doesn't pay me any attention as she locks her car and walks towards the entrance. I don't know what possessed me, but with a few quick steps, I catch up to the woman who looks at me confused and annoyed.
"I really don't have time right now. If you want an autograph, wait until I'm back."
Wow, she's also a bitch. Well, at least I don't have to feel guilty.
"I wouldn't go in there now unless you want to embarrass yourself."
"Why not?"
"My girlfriend is in there to sign the contract, so you're too late."
"What? No, that can't be true, I still have 10 minutes until my appointment.", she checks her phone to confirm the time.
"You don't, unless you want to, as I said, embarrass yourself."
"And are you really sure they'll pick your girlfriend for the role?"
"A hundred percent.", I nod, trying not to show anything.
"Argh, I'm going to kill Carla!", she curses loudly, starts tapping on her phone and walks back to her car. Did she really believe me? I guess I can act better than I thought. At least one less competitor for Santana. I have no idea how many there are, but it can only be an advantage.
I continue my small rounds around the parking lot until I finally see my Latina, who has a satisfied smile on her face.
"And? How was it? Did you get the job? Do I need to give them a speech about why you're the best choice?"
"They haven't made a decision yet, but I have a good feeling. Have you been waiting long?"
"Tell me everything.", I urge her on as we walk to the car.
"Well, I went in and there were the director and the casting director, and we talked a little bit about how I'm doing, what I do otherwise and stuff. Then we talked about my audition and the role."; she begins to tell me, and I hold the car door open for her.
"Thank you.", she interrupts her story, gives me a smile before I close the door behind her and get in on the driver's side.
"Anyway, they gave me more information about the film and my potential role, and we went over a few more lines. But I have no idea if they just wanted to be friendly or if I really have a good chance."
"You need to have more faith in your talent, babe."
"How do you know I'm good enough?"
"Although I only have the school performances as references, that's enough for me and my faith. You could also just become a singer, I know you're perfect for that. We just have to work on getting you to believe in yourself as much as I do. And Rachel. And your whole family."
"I'm sorry.", surprising words come out of her mouth, causing me to look over at her, "What? That you have talent? Here, I even have something for you.", I reach for the chocolate on the back seat, hold it out to Santana, "Now it's just chocolate, and as soon as you get the role, we'll toast with champagne or sparkling wine. After all, you'll be rich and famous then, and only that kind of drink will be consumed."
"I'm sorry for saying no. You're the best person in the world and anyone would be lucky to have you. I don't care that I wouldn't be able to say you're my fiancé, I'll just say I'm engaged to the jackpot. Although not even jackpot comes close to describing how amazing you are. Even now, after we've parted ways so awkwardly, you're here waiting, giving me chocolate and asking how it went."
"I'm always interested in you and your life, regardless of what happened before. I mean, Rachel kept me informed for years about how you were doing."
"Yeah, because you're perfect for me."
"I had another therapy session today, and we talked a lot about you. Dr. Sylvester thinks that you did me a favor by rejecting the proposal."
"I did?" She can't believe what I'm telling her.
"Indirectly, she gave me the same explanation as you did. That it could set me back in such a big way."
"And do you see it that way too?"
"No, but I've already explained that to you. For me, it should have been a fresh start, not running away from my problems. After all, I'm going to therapy and trying to improve myself when it comes to you."
"You don't have to improve yourself. You're good enough for me. I wasn't fair to you, and I'm really sorry."
"It's okay, San."
I've made my peace with it, quicker than expected.
"No, it's not okay. You went through so much trouble, and I didn't appreciate it. I've never seen my mother so speechless."
"Is she in New York?"
"No, she suddenly learned how to use her phone and wanted to Facetime me. When she saw that there was no ring on my finger, she asked what happened. I can't believe you talked to her before."
"I wanted to have their your parents' blessing, even though they've made it clear about the ring. I'm sorry if it put you in an uncomfortable situation."
"You don't have to apologize. I think it's great that you get along so well with them. Besides, she helped me understand you a little better subconsciously. It was unfair to say that you only ask me so that you feel more secure in our relationship. Just the fact that you're here right now shows me how much you love me. Nobody has that much patience with me."
"I have patience with you? You've been waiting for what feels like an eternity for me to finally admit that I'm a lesbian. And I've come to that realization for myself now, and I'm trying to ignore that there are people in the world who don't agree with it."
"You're a lesbian?"
"There were reasons why it never worked out with men, not in high school, nor in the army. And yes, you're definitely one of them, but you're not a sexual orientation. So yes, I'm pretty sure," Santana starts to grin, probably because of my statement that she's not a sexual orientation.
It took me a long time to realize it, but now I'm 100 percent sure. Men and I just don't fit, and that's okay.
"Did you have any relationships in the army?" She brings up something we've never talked about before. Who likes talking about past relationships with their partner?
"Relationships, not really, they were casual affairs, all with men and they weren't really long. You know how I am, I have inner walls that reach to the moon and every time it should become serious, I drew a line. With you, I have no fear or doubt, on the contrary, all paths will lead me to you forever, no matter how many miles are between us."
"Ask me again," she replies, so I tilt my head and give a "Hm?".
"Ask me again if I want to marry you."
"But the ring is at home and we're in the car, that wouldn't be very romantic."
"I don't care, ask me," her grin grows bigger.
"But," I start again, but am quickly interrupted by her, "Do you want to marry me?"
"San, not even 48 hours ago you rejected my proposal and now you're asking me?"
I don't know what I missed. This morning, I certainly wasn't expecting this scenario.
"I had time to think and just this conversation proves to me that I should never have said no. You're everything to me and I want to share my life with you."
"And why do we have to be engaged for that?"
I know I'm not being very cooperative right now, but I'm still a little sad and now she's confusing me too.
"We don't have to, but it would be an honor for me to wear the ring and be able to call you my fiancée. Even if I can only say that between us, I don't care."
"Give me some time to think, okay?" I ask her, "Let's spend today together and not think about your casting or the proposal, okay? Just you and me."
February 19, 2017
The service is over and as usual, Finn and I spend time at the café, eating and drinking something. Since I was late today (sometimes I hate my car), we couldn't talk beforehand, but that's quite convenient for me. He probably knows through Rachel anyway.
"On a scale of 1 to 10, how interested are you in basketball?" he comes up with an unexpected question for me.
"I don't know, 8 or 8 1/2?"
"So you'd be interested in joining me to a Knicks game next week?"
"Did you not find anyone else and are trying to cheer me up or distract me?" I address the huge elephant in the room. I'm sure he pities me, just like his girlfriend does.
Santana and I agreed not to talk about her strange attempt to propose to me, with anyone, not even Rachel.
"Neither nor. You're practically my best friend and I'm pretty sure you know more about basketball than my classmates or Rachel, so it's definitely more fun to sit in the arena and cheer along with you."
"Well, I can understand why you wouldn't consider Rachel, sports are not her area of expertise. It probably took me three days to explain football to her. Ultimately, my team got disqualified because she and Santana ran onto the field."
"What? I want to hear the story behind that," Finn starts grinning and I have to suppress my laughter while trying to recount the story in as much detail as possible.
April 8th, 2011
"Okay guys, this is our last game. For some of you, it's the last in high school. I want you to go out there and have fun. And if we can get a win out of it, I'll treat you all tonight. Does that sound like a deal?" Coach Lawrence rallies us for the last game of the season. Mr. Lawrence has been at our school for two years, and since then, girls have been allowed to play on the football team. I'm the only one who made the cut, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel special.
"Easy as pie, right team?" calls Danilo, our captain, and we shout back a loud "Yeah!" before getting started.
The first attack belongs to the visitors, so I have nothing to do yet, as I don't play in defense, but in offense. My gaze therefore goes first to the stands, where I have support from Santana and Rachel today. They could never attend a game before since their theater group is on Fridays at the same time as the games. But for my last game, they put their group behind and cheer me on from the stands.
It's sweet that both wear a jersey with my number as if they were my personal cheerleaders. I wave to them briefly and then warm up a bit before being sent onto the field for our first attack after our defense recovers the ball. My role as a wide receiver is quickly explained. Danilo, our quarterback, throws me the ball, and I run my heart out to get into the end zone, hoping my teammates will keep my back free so no one from the opposing team knocks me down.
Apart from a few bruises and cuts, I've been spared throughout the season. That remains the case until we start the last quarter with an attack. We're leading 18 to 8, so we're not under as much pressure as the opponent.
"Blue 47, blue 47, hut!" calls Danilo, receives the ball, and I run into what I think is an open space. However, I don't get five steps after catching the ball before I'm knocked down. I land roughly on my side and immediately feel pain in my ribs. That's why I stay motionless for a moment. I don't want to make it worse. My eyes are closed, so I don't know what's going on. I vaguely perceive a few voices but can't assign them properly.
"Hey, Brittany. We're going to carefully take your helmet off now, okay?" I understand Mr. Lawrence and nod, letting him take off my helmet.
"I swear to God, Danilo, I'll knock you out if you don't shut up."
Rachel's statement piques my curiosity, and I open my eyes.
Is Rachel on the field?
"Where does it hurt, Brittany?" the school nurse, who is always on-site for such cases during games, now speaks to me.
"My right side, my ribs," I try to locate the pain more precisely with my fingers while my eyes continue to search for the girls. However, the pain I feel through the nurse's palpation distracts me, so I cramp my eyes shut again.
"Exactly there, God, that hurts," I grumble, holding my arm protectively over my face until someone grabs it and lays it flat on the grass. I open my eyes again, looking straight into the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen.
"Hey, everything will be okay," Santana smiles while the nurse continues to palpate my side.
"Why is Rachel mad at Danilo? I heard her swearing."
"Oh, that idiot wants us to spend something for the team, now that you are disqualified. Your health comes first and Rachel is making that clear to him."
"We were ahead," I whine.
"So, the ambulance is on the way, should I contact your parents?" Coach Lawrence asks, and I immediately look at Santana for help. She knows my parents don't care much for football. It would take too much time and energy away from my studies in high school. As if I can't decide that for myself.
"I'll contact them," San winks at me. We both know she'll call her own parents. They're more like family to me than my own parents. They're an absolute blessing to me.
"We'll help you up carefully and try to bring you towards the parking lot."
I nod at the nurse, and they help me up carefully with Mr. Lawrence's assistance.
Yes, this is definitely how I imagined my last game.
February 19, 2017
"What did you have in the end?"
"Two bruised ribs and a mild concussion."
"Ouch, I've had bruised ribs before, it's hell. But you can't really be mad at those two for being responsible for the end of the game."
"No, I wasn't mad at them either. Our captain even got his way the following weekend, Santana threw a party on their behalf. Everyone was happy again."
"That's a surprisingly nice ending. So, you'll be there next week? Please, please?"
"How could I say no to that? I'm in," I say, and see pure joy in Finn's face.
However, my attention is quickly drawn to my phone as it lights up. Santana is calling.
"Hello?"
"I got the part."
"What?" I can't process the information in the first moment.
"The casting a few days ago. I just got a call, I got the part."
"Oh my God, that's insane! I'm so proud of you. I knew you would get the part."
"Thank you."
"We have to celebrate, let's go to a club tonight."
"Are you sure? I know you're going through therapy, but there will be a lot of people and I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable situation."
"But I have you by my side, then nothing can happen to me. Tonight is all about you, and I know how much you'd like to celebrate like that."
For Santana, I face every fear, especially now that she has such a success to celebrate.