Fangtasia Stories: Knowing Me, Knowing You, A-ha.

Set at the beginning of Dead and Gone

Eric was sitting with his feet up on his desk, flicking through the latest copy of Fang magazine. He was just shaking his head at an advertisement for stake-proof vests, when Pam burst in.

"Look what I found!" She trotted over and waved a notebook under his nose. "Check this out. I was going over that box of stuff we collected from the witches. I seemed to remember there being some quite pleasantly scented incense sticks in there, and the staffroom stinks like ass. Anyway, I came across Hallow's spell book when I was rooting through the box."

"Yes, yes," Eric said dismissively, tossing his magazine aside. "We went over that a number of times, and it revealed nothing truly useful. Apart from that spell you found for giving people wind."

"Oh yes, that is very funny, isn't it? I do enjoy that one."

"You shouldn't be using that magic, Pam."

"Whatever. The point is, I just discovered a page we never even noticed before. The paper is so old and dog-eared, and some of them were stuck together. Lord only knows what with, perhaps eye of newt or something. Eew."

Eric looked up, suddenly much more interested.

"And?"

Pam held the open book out to him, and he took it from her. The writing was small and scrawly, and it took him a while to decipher it.

The page was titled 'Deleo Memoria', which Eric translated roughly as Memory Eraser. The recipe and instructions were there, along with some other random phrases in Latin, probably the actual spell itself. Written in a different hand, perhaps Hallow's, at the side, it read 'Ideal revenge spell or memory wiper. Amnesia. Long term. Can be used as a defense mechanism by being carried by a living vessel and released upon the victim if vessel is killed. Added bonus being that victim will be drawn to their heart's desire without knowing it. Subtle yet devastating. Can only be broken through death of spell caster. Mwhuahahaha! Devious. Love it!'

Eric slowly lowered the book and stared at his desk, his brow creased in deep thought.

"So," Pam said, finally. "What do you think?"

Heart's desire? Finally, he knew for sure why he had been wandering down Sookie's road. He looked up at Pam, who was smirking at him.

"I think it is the most useless spell ever," he said nonchalantly. "That is not revenge. Revenge is slaughtering someone's whole family. Revenge is bringing your enemy to it's knees and making them beg for your mercy until they lose their voice and you break them completely, body and soul. Revenge is overpowering and destroying everything that they hold dear, making them witness your actions, and then basking in the warm glow of their helpless devastation."

Pam cocked an eyebrow.

"I'm glad I'm on your side. Did I ever tell you that?"

"Hallow was nothing but a little girl with a crush and a cheap spell book who had ideas above her station."

"It could have been bad for you, though. You could have been trapped like that forever."

Eric tossed the book aside.

"Subtle yet devastating? How was that supposed to be devastating?"

"It happened to work out for you. It could've been worse."

Eric's mind flashed on himself and Sookie in the kitchen of her home, Sookie perched against the table, her legs wrapping around him, her hand tracing his hip, undoing his jeans, her warm, soft fingers slipping beneath the material, wrapping around his-

He shook himself out of it.

"Yes. It could indeed have been much worse."

Pam picked up the book again and found the page.

"You are right though, what is so devastating about being drawn to your heart's desire?"

Eric clammed up, and turned to his computer, firing it up.

"Have you got those reports done, Pam?"

"I mean, wouldn't that be where you wanted to go, if you lost your memory? It's not like Sookie had forgotten you, you just couldn't remember her."

"And the chihuahua," he continued. "You need to sort that as well."

"You reacquainted yourself with her quite quickly, as I recall. So you were a bit forgetful. That's no big deal, really, and hardly a terrible act of revenge. You were a bit like a toddler, a big vampire toddler."

"Pam-"

"Where's the vengeance in that? It would be a better spell if you forgot who it was you wanted, to totally ignore them, or have them ignore you. Being drawn to them, well, that's-"

"Yes, Pam. Thank you very much for your wonderful insight which I never asked for. Shouldn't you be doing some work now?"

Pam sighed and rolled her eyes.

"There's a spell in here to make your hair grow. Do you think it will work on me? I always wanted longer hair."

"Don't do any of those spells."

"Just the hair one."

"No."

Pam continued flicking through the notebook, then stopped abruptly, looking at Eric strangely.

"Did you say chihuahua?"

"Yes, I thought I told you already. Felipe wants all the sheriffs of his kingdom to send him a chihuahua. The sheriff who submits the dog which is most pleasing to the king will be rewarded." Eric began tapping away, replying to his emails. "So pick out a good one. I was thinking something very small yet nicely proportioned with some sort of outfit. Go for something different. Let's stand out from the others. Closing date is this weekend. I trust you to make the appropriate choice and necessary arrangements."

"Chihuahua contests," Pam scoffed, flicking through the book again. "Like we don't have anything better to do than pander to his petty demands. Whatever next? When is someone going to overthrow him? Do we even know what the prize is?"

"No."

"It's probably book tokens, something like that. Perhaps there's some sort of spell in here to make your chihuahua extra adorable."

"Will you put that book down now, Pam."

"How about this one? The body swap. You could exchange bodies with the chihuahua, and be suitably cute and obedient and win the prize."

"What, and then there would be a chihuahua in my body?"

"Now that would be interesting. It looks like a surprisingly simple process."

"Let's not."

"I can't quite read this bit. I think it says Ut corpus contingat commercium."

There was a flash, then a popping sound, and Pam and Eric both looked at each other. The only problem was, they were looking at each other out of the other's eyes.

"Pam?" Eric put his hand over his mouth, which was actually Pam's mouth, in shock at the noise which came out of it. He looked down at his arms, spreading Pam's fingers. "What the fuck?"

"Shit." Pam looked at herself too, now in the body of Eric. "Shit!"

"We swapped bodies."

"Shit."

"Find the spell. Turn us back!"

"You've got the book! It's in your, I mean, my hand."

Eric fumbled with the notebook, searching frantically through the pages.

"Why are your nails so long, Pam? It's fucking annoying. Completely impractical."

"They grow back every fucking day, what do you want me to do?"

"Here," Eric said as he found the page. "It says... blah, blah-blah, blahblahblah. Spell is easily cast by simply blah blah. There's loads of it. Pam why did you not read all this before opening your big mouth?"

"It was a mistake," Pam said, gritting her teeth, before getting up from the chair and stepping forward to read over Eric's smaller Pam shoulder. "I didn't know reading that short sentence was going to do it, did I? I'm not happy about it either. This is just too weird. Get to the bit about breaking the spell."

"I'm trying," Eric moaned in Pam's voice. He rolled his eyes and tutted, Pam style. "Here. Spell is broken only when the two vessels-," he gestured with a perfectly manicured finger, "I think that's us- fully appreciate and understand what it is to be the other. Oh great."

"What? We know each other very well. This will be easy."

"These things are never that simple, Pam."

"Come on, you know everything about me. You know what I'm like, you appreciate what it's like to be me, don't you? Eric. Eric."

"What?"

"You're looking at my breasts."

He prodded himself, before squeezing the cups of the tight corset he was wearing, and shook his head in confusion.

"I have breasts."

"Don't you dare go there."

"It feels strange."

Pam clicked her fingers in his face, then looked at them oddly when she couldn't make them work.

"Your fingers are huge, I can't control them properly. And I feel like I'm standing on stilts."

"These shoes hurt," Eric said, while squeezing his boobs together with his upper arms, increasing the size of his cleavage. "Why don't you wear flat ones?"

"Stop that! I do wear flat shoes! At work I always wear heels though, it's part of the outfit! See, already you are demonstrating your lack of knowledge about what it is to be me!"

"Ugh." Eric rolled his/Pam's head on his/her neck. "I can't believe this. We simply don't have the time to deal with it right now. You need to procure a prize-winning chihuahua and I need to meet with Victor in half an hour."

"But... are you going to do that or am I?"

They stared at each other for a moment.

"Oh this really is just great." Eric tottered on Pam's heels over to his chair and flopped down into it. He kicked off the shoes and put his feet up on the desk, misjudging the distance at first, before sliding his chair forward and getting it right.

"I can see my underwear," Pam said cocking a hip, making Eric's body look suddenly rather more feminine. "Could you cross my legs please."

Eric purposely uncrossed his ankles, parting his legs, and hitched up his filmy black skirt, giving Pam an even better view of her knickers.

"You will have to meet with Victor, and I will also be present. Someone else will have to procure the dog."

"Bill can do it. He's the procurer."

"Absolutely not. His procuring days are over. Plus I want to win, and I don't trust him to pick out a good one. Also, given his history in that area he might take his assignment too far and have sex with it."

Pam was still looking up her skirt, distracted.

"It is very odd seeing myself from that angle. Yet, strangely, I want to touch myself."

"Go and check on the bar, then bring me the laminated and bound copies of those reports for Victor."

"Shouldn't you be doing that?" Pam smirked, putting her hands in Eric's jean pockets. She frowned and looked down. "I almost forgot how big that was."

"Please don't say you're getting me aroused by looking up your own skirt. You're a sick puppy, Pam."

"You were the one touching my breasts just now, looking like you wanted to spend some quality time alone with them. Don't even try to deny it."

"Go get the reports and do your rounds. And stop touching me."

"I can't do the running about, I'm you. Won't it seem strange? Me, Eric, racing around for you, Pam?"

Eric groaned, then stood.

"Fine. I will go out there and pretend to be you. It can't be that hard. All you ever seem to do is insult people and roll your eyes."

"See, again, you are demonstrating your lack of knowledge about me, your own sweet child." Pam flicked Eric's hair back and pouted. "This spell is truly an eye-opener."

Eric stopped in front of Pam on his way out, and looked up at her.

"My my, I am gorgeous aren't I?"

"Not as hot as me," Pam said, smirking Eric style.

"I'll be back shortly. While I'm gone, try to figure a way to get us out of this mess. Do not do anything inappropriate with my body, do you hear me, Pam?"

"Like what?"

"I know how your dirty, devious mind works. This I do know about you."

"You need to put shoes on." She went over to the desk and retrieved the heels.

"I don't want to wear those."

"You can't wear flat shoes with a dress like that. People will look at me strangely."

Eric smirked, went over to his closet, and slipped on his flip-flops. They were huge for Pam's feet, but much more comfortable.

"That's better."

"You'll trip! They look stupid."

"Whatever. I'm Pam Ravenscroft, I don't give a flying fuck. Anyone looks at me and disrespects my oversized flip-flop fashion decisions, I take them out." He punched the air, knowing that a roundhouse kick would result in a loss of flip-flop. "Bam! Feel my pain, bitches!"

"But-"

Eric readjusted his underwear and strode out of the door whistling, flip-flopping awkwardly down the corridor.

"Take it easy, sheriff."

Eric wandered around the bar, glowering at the fang bangers, flashing some fang here and there. Felicia was on duty behind the bar, and Clancy at the door. The rest of the human staff did their running around as usual. No one noticed that he was Eric trapped in the body of Pam. He considered going over and teasing Clancy, perhaps pinching his bottom and pretending Pam fancied him, but that would involve flirting with and touching Clancy, which would just be awful.

Instead, he went into the accountant's office, retrieved the reports, and located Pam's purse. He rummaged around, found her lipstick, and popped open her compact. He reapplied his lipstick, purposefully exaggerating her lips, putting way too much on. Then he went to town with the eyebrow pencil, drawing on some large sausage eyebrows. He stared at Pam's clown face in the small mirror, and smiled.

Next, he ruffled Pam's perfectly coiffured hair, backcombing it with his fingers, until it resembled an untamed, thorny bush. Oddly enough, in this moment, he wished Sookie was around to witness this randomness. She'd find it hilarious, and tease him mercilessly. Perhaps now things were settling down politically, he'd visit her. Not as Pam, though. That could cause all kinds of complications.

After finishing up his makeover and having a good old chuckle to himself, he returned the cosmetics to the purse, stowed it back in Pam's locker, and grabbed the reports. Then he flip-flopped his way to his office.

"Knock knock, Eric," Eric said, as he entered the room. "Check me out, bitch."

Victor was already in there, apparently having arrived through the back entrance while he was scoping out the bar. Eric looked at himself behind the desk, a shocked, disgruntled look on his face. Victor had turned around in his chair and was also looking up at him, staring at Pam's lips.

"Hello, Pam," Victor said, smiling in that incredibly disarming and over-polite way he always did. "You look quite... enchanting this evening."

"Good evening, Victor." Eric stared at Pam, who was cocking an eyebrow at him and giving him some serious stink eye. "Is there a problem, Eric?"

"No," Pam said in Eric's deep bass-tone. She put her feet up on the desk, revealing that she'd anticipated his juvenile prank. She'd squeezed his huge feet into her small, black stiletto heels. She tapped a foot, and kept her face completely serious. "Nothing at all. You were saying, Victor?"

"Ah, yes." He finally pulled his gaze away from Pam's bright pink fishlips, and turned around in his seat, only to be confronted with Eric's heels. "Ah... well, what was I saying?"

"Something about the king having a meeting with J-Lo next week, discussing the possibility of a private show with some specially invited guests?"

"That's right, yes. J-Lo."

Eric closed the door behind himself and went and stood behind the desk. He looked down at the heels and glared at Pam, who just smirked back at him. Damn, his smirk was annoying. And sexy as hell.

"Are you... alright, Pam?" Victor asked.

"Oh yes, I am just wonderful, thank you."

"You were saying," Pam said, flicking the shoe on Eric's toes.

"The king is hoping to hire J-Lo for a little party he's having. Felipe and I were discussing the benefits of having your telepath visit Las Vegas, to be present at the meeting. The king wants to be sure he is able to trust Ms. Lopez."

"What?" Eric said, Pam's voice screeching. He put his hand over his mouth and looked shifty-eyed. "I mean, J-Lo? I thought perhaps Ricky Martin would be more appropriate for a small get together."

Victor looked up at Pam briefly before turning his attention back to the sheriff.

"Felipe was very impressed with Miss Stackhouse, and would like to use her talents for the benefit of the whole kingdom."

"To meet with J-Lo?" Eric scoffed in Pam's voice. "Important business indeed."

"Eric," Victor said quietly, leaning forward. "Perhaps we could continue this discussion in private?"

Pam and Eric exchanged a glance.

"I will continue with this meeting alone, Pam. You need to procure a chihuahua."

"Oh!" Victor said, smiling. "You haven't entered your area chihuahua yet? Well, you must! Though I have to say the standard so far has been set very high. Felipe has been taking photographs and emailing me pictures of the early entrants. Very impressive entry from area two Nevada."

Eric glared at Pam, and she simply nodded. Satisfied that Pam would act appropriately, and advise him of what was discussed later on, but completely clueless about where to obtain a tiny chihuahua, he left.

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

Some time later, Eric burst through his office door, carrying a small dog.

"What happened?" he said, thrusting the dog at Pam before collapsing on the sofa.

"Oh Eric, we'll never win with this." She curled Eric's long fingers around the chihuahua's little, shivering body, and looked into it's weepy eyes. "It's all timid and it's ears are too floppy. Why did you get a white one? You should've got a nice tawny-colored one."

"I thought you could dye it. It was all they had."

Pam sighed and pulled it further away from her face when it tried to lick her nose.

"It will need a lot of work."

"What happened with Victor, Pam?"

"Did you go out like that, with my hair all fucked up and lipstick all over my face? No wonder they gave you the runt."

"Pam!"

"I put him off with the Sookie thing, for a while at least. I fed him some bullshit about J-Lo miming to all her songs, and urged him to ask the king to reconsider Ricky Martin. Victor is more of a fan, so I think he was going to try to convince Felipe. Also, Ricky is a Were beaver, so we could make up some crap about him being too difficult for Sookie to read."

Eric relaxed further back into the sofa, his shoulders slumping slightly in relief.

"What else?"

"Quinn is sniffing around, and wanted permission to enter the area so he could speak to Sookie."

"Oh really?" Eric cocked an eyebrow. "What a complete idiot."

"I know, that's what I said. He was taking my negative reaction back to Felipe. Apparently the king is quite taken with the tiger. Felipe rides him around his casino like a little pony. Victor was showing me, he demonstrated with the chair."

Eric smirked at the wonderful image he had in his mind. His smile fell when he imagined Sookie being forced into Felipe's employment. If he rode Quinn around, what the hell would he do with Sookie? He knew he had to act fast, before the king made more demands.

"We need to get back into our own bodies, Pam. Your underwear is very constrictive. Having breasts is not as much fun as I had anticipated. I'm too short, as well. I want my own body back."

"Me too," Pam sighed. She petted the tiny chihuahua curled up on Eric's stomach.

"What do we need to do again to break the spell?"

"Prove that we understand what it is to be the other."

"Fine. I do. You are forced to wear sexy, uncomfortable, over the top Gothic clothes, and dangerously high heels, because that is what is expected of you here at the bar. However, it annoys you that nobody would take you as seriously in your twinsets and loafers. Humans and vampires look at you like you are some kind of walking sex object. They all stare at your breasts and those who do not know you make the mistake of totally underestimating you, because you are blonde and have such an amazing body. While this frustrates you, it also doubles your pleasure when you demonstrate what you are truly capable of."

He cocked an eyebrow at her, and she pursed Eric's lips in thought.

"Hmm. What happened out there?"

"I got propositioned a number of times, and also got involved in quite a few fist fights. It was good fun, to be honest. You have a mean left hook, Pam, but the nails really do get in the way."

"I think people were probably staring at you for the wrong reasons," Pam said, running a finger around Eric's lips. "You made me look like that crazy maenad."

"You have never looked so gorgeous, Pam. I should do your make-up every day. So what did you learn about being me?"

"Well, I thought I knew it all already, but perhaps it was harder than I expected."

"What was hard? You weren't getting me aroused by thinking about your underwear again, were you Pam?"

"Oh stop that," Pam said, waving Eric's hand. "Don't be vile. What I mean is it was more difficult than I thought, being you. Victor is sly, and I had to think about every single thing I said before I spoke, as well as considering what his response might be. It was like playing conversational chess. Completely exhausting."

They both looked at each other, then down at themselves.

"It's not working," Eric said. "You need to do better than that."

"You get horny at everything. I twitched a little, when Victor rode that chair."

Eric closed his eyes and shook his head.

"No."

"It's true! That must be quite annoying for you. And also people want things from you all the time. I thought you lumped it all onto me, but the phone never stopped, and there were people knocking on the door all night; Bobby bringing me things to sign, which I couldn't obviously, so I had to tell him my hand was tired, the staff coming in with requests for this and that, some idiot from outside the area checking in, some fang bangers offering themselves to me, the accountant pestering me about spreadsheets and audits and whatnot, and all this after that tiring meeting with Victor. Everyone wants something from you all the time, permission to do something, money, sex, signatures, spankings, hair conditioning advice..."

"What?"

"I had no time at all to curl your hair or dance provocatively with Clancy, like I was planning to."

"Good. But you already know what it's like to be sheriff. You watch me every day."

"I didn't realize it was so exhausting."

"We don't get exhausted, Pam. We're vampires."

"I am mentally drained."

She flopped back in the chair, Eric's arms hanging loosely off the sides. The chihuahua stood and turned around a couple of times in a circle, before settling again.

"It's still not working," Eric said, rubbing Pam's eyes. A fake eyelash dropped off, and Eric flicked it away, disgusted. "Bits drop off you all the time. Pam, don't you let that thing pee on me."

"We might be stuck like this a while longer." She picked up the spell book, and flipped through it. "What are you going to do about Felipe? He's beginning to sniff around Sookie."

Eric thought for a while, before responding.

"At this moment I can do very little to stop him from taking her."

"But you wouldn't let him, would you?"

"I will do what needs to be done to protect her from him, and keep her here."

Pam nodded.

"Will you turn her?"

"No," Eric responded instantly.

"Then what?"

When he didn't respond, she thought about it.

"You will be pledged," she said, with a smile. "That is why you made me go back for the knife." She shook her head, Eric's golden locks falling across his face in a sexy way Eric was now fully able to appreciate. "It will mean any requests for her services would have to go through you, and you will be able to protect her more effectively. All supes will think twice about going anywhere near her, let alone harming her. It solves many problems. Also, you want to be closer to her again. You care about her, very much."

"Yes," Eric said simply.

"You have been lonely, and you only truly realized the extent of your loneliness after your memories were restored, and you remembered your time with Sookie. You realized that you want to feel again. She resurrected something within you, something which had been dead for a long time."

Eric closed his eyes, and when he reopened them, he was back in his own body.

"Oh, thank you Thor," Eric said, running his palms over his chest and down his body. He stopped at the chihuahua, picked it up, and placed it on his desk. Pam was doing the same thing, checking herself over.

"Did you put extra padding in my bra?"

"No." He flung the spell book in her direction, and she caught it. "Burn it. And dress up this dog and ship it off to Vegas."

Pam stood up, flicked off the flip-flops, and slid back into her heels. She stuffed the book down her bra, before picking up the dog and tucking it under her arm.

"I think he's a winner," she said, tickling it's chin. "A quick wash and a little knitted sweater and that prize will be ours."

"Excellent," Eric said, reacquainting himself with his nipples.

Pam turned at the door. "When will you do it?"

"Within the next couple of days, when Victor returns."

She nodded and closed the door on her way out.

Eric opened a drawer in his desk, and took out the ceremonial knife. He twirled the sparkling object between his finger and thumb, and wondered how Sookie would react when she realized they were married.

She's going to go completely apeshit, Eric smirked. But she'd realize, eventually, that his actions had been for the right reasons. Perhaps she might even enjoy it.

Plus, Sookie Northman had quite a ring to it.

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

From: Felipe de Castro

To: All Sheriffs

Subject: Chihuahua Contest Results

Salutations to my fine and excellent sheriffs!

Thank you all for entering this year's annual tiny dog contest. Those of you who have been with me for some time in Nevada will already be very familiar with this contest, since it has been running since 1956. For those of you whom I have only recently conquered – welcome to the fun!

This year was the year of the chihuahua, and I have to praise you all for the high standards of your entries.

So, without further ado, I give you this year's well deserved winners:

First Place: Little Pam Pam (Eric Northman, Louisiana) White, smooth-coat. Good temperament, lovely teeth. Sporting intricately knit pink sweater and matching beret. Will dance on command. Enjoys sausages, fine knitwear, and naps.

First Place Prize: Invitation to intimate Ricky Martin show at King's palace, Las Vegas, all expenses paid.

Second Place: Tiny Bob (Robert Schwartz, Arkansas) Tricolor, smooth-coat. Feisty. Good proportions and delicate prance. Diamond studded collar adds an air of timeless elegance. Enjoys shopping, soap operas, and ankle biting.

Second Place Prize: Signed copy of Felipe de Castro's autobiography, If Only My Salsa Teacher Could See Me Now OR a Cartier Collection Privee white gold and diamond watch.

Third Place: Mr. Sniffles (Nina Nardoni, Nevada) Tan, long-coat. Shiny and well-groomed, with sparkly eyes. Tendency to sneeze often due to his allergy to dust mites. Enjoys belly rubs, peanut butter and trips to the park.

Third Place Prize: Book tokens.

Thank you to everyone who entered this year's competition, and congratulations to the worthy winners.

Your King,

Felipe de Castro.