Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers. This is my reaction to what happened on Thurs 9th and Friday 10th (Children of Earth Days 4 and 5). If you haven't watched it and don't wish to be spoilered, don't read.

Also, it is quite raw. But that is how I felt after the series. So, excuse the lack of polished finishes.

Comments, reviews here or at my Livejournal would be welcome.

Decisions

He lets out a sigh when he walks into the large storage room to find Jack sitting in a corner, back to the wall, gun still on his hands. Just like this morning; only now he is alive again. It is turning into a habit, finding Jack dead in obscure corners of the ship. This was most definitely not what he intended when he jokingly complained about the mess after Jack shot himself, first in the mess hall, then in his quarters. In hindsight, mentioning how Ianto used to find comfort in order, organization and cleanliness may not have been the best way to get his point across.

He has taken away his gun several times, but Jack is good at getting hold of the weapons he's hidden around the ship. And it isn't like he needs one to off himself in this space tub Jack has taken to call "home", with a bitterness in the word John hadn't heard him use before. It wouldn't be the first time he finds Jack in a decompressed airlock. After the third time, he had restricted Jack's access to the main computer; he really didn't fancy having to turn around to pick up Jack's body.

Heels clattering on the metal gangways, he makes his way to Jack and sits beside him. Complicated problems and situations require complicated replies.

"Why do you do, it, Jack?" No reply comes. Jack has never been chatty – not about things that really merited discussion, anyway – but as of late, he barely says a word. "You come back, gasping for air and hurting, why do it?" Silence hangs heavy in the air as his fingers twiddle with the contents of his jacket pocket.

"Peace". Barely a whisper. "Just a moment, but peace nonetheless." he raises an eyebrow, and flinches at the pain in Jack's voice.

"Does it...? Do you... feel it when you die?"Jack grimaces, then nods, and mutters something about deserving it. "When you come back?" For the first time, Jack moves, looks at him, eyes full of regret and tears.

"It's the worse part." His voice is broken. "There's nothing on the other side. No memories, no regrets, nothing. It doesn't hurt when I'm there. When I come back, I lose him all over again."

He sneaks a hand over Jack's shoulders, blinking away his own frustration. He knows the pain of losing a lover only too well, even if Jack wouldn't believe him if he said so. He takes a deep breath, considering. Maybe, after all, there is something he can do. Fishing the contents of his pocket out, he places it on Jack's hand, wrapping his fingers around it. Jack looks up, questioning, and takes his hand away, rattling the container.

"It will help you if you need to forget." He swallows hard. How will Jack react to the idea? He's already missing two years of his life, he won't jump straight to it as some would, erasing as much of it as necessary only to escape the pain. But the simple act of considering it may give him some perspective.

"Retcon?" He nods. "You think fucking retcon will fix this?" Jack rises his voice. "Do you really think I could just forget Ianto, and Steven, and all the others I have lost, and everything would be OK?" He rolls his eyes, grateful for the anger bubbling in Jack. He's not as dead inside as he feared, if he can still get angry like that.

"I'm offering you a way out. A more effective way to run from your memories than blowing your head up, or shooting up on every lethal drug in the ship, or sticking your head out of a fucking window, Jack." He looks at him out of the corner of his eye, to find tears streaming silently down Jack's face. "If you really want to forget, at least do it properly."

Holding the container in front of his face with both hands, gun discarded on the floor, Jack goes silent again. John takes away the weapon, fully intending to lock it up, and waits. He is good at waiting. It's something he learnt first as a Time Agent, then as a conman, the value of patience. It's also something he doesn't practice often, because it jars on his nerves. He doesn't need to be a mind reader to figure out what is going through Jack's mind as he stares at the cylinder in his hands. He's been there himself, a time or two after Jack left. There's always a lot of bad things he would like to forget, but not if the price is losing the good memories. His lips curl in the beginning of a smile. The trick, at least for him, is not to forget, but to only remember what he wants.

"I promised I wouldn't forget him." He nods, eyes lost in the other side of the open space. "What would be left of him if we all that knew him forgot him?" Jack hands him back the retcon, but he refuses to take it.

"Carry it with you." He leans over and places a kiss on Jack's lips, and nearly lets out a sigh of relief when Jack kisses back. It feels as if life was slowly returning to Jack's soul. "It'll remind you you have other options but chose this." In one swift moment, he stands up and offers Jack a hand. "And if you ever change your mind, you won't have to go far for it." Jack grabs his hands and John pulls him to his feet before turning around and starting to walk towards the door.

"John!" He stops, sensing the question coming. "Did you know I wouldn't take it?" What can he say? He nods. "How?"

"I've been carrying that retcon on me since you left me."