Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers. This is my reaction to what happened on Thurs 9th and Friday 10th (Children of Earth Days 4 and 5). If you haven't watched it and don't wish to be spoilered, don't read.

Also, it is quite raw. But that is how I felt after the series. So, excuse the lack of polished finishes.

Comments, reviews here or at my Livejournal would be welcome.

First touch

He can't breathe. Panic. Images flash in his head. Memories? They feel more like disconnected remnants of nightmares. Breathe. Slowly. It takes a lot of effort. Was he dead? There is nothing but darkness when he dies. He must have been dreaming.

As fragments slowly collide together in his head, a hazy story forms. London. Chaos. Aliens. The Hub destroyed. Ianto dead. His heart stops beating; he swallows hard. Why are these horrible nightmares haunting him?

Because it is a nightmare. It has to be. Panic settles on him, until he notices he is not alone in the bed. He turns around, cuddling against the warm presence on the other side. Taking a deep breath, relaxing a little at the familiar touch. Familiar – but wrong. Wrong shape, wrong build, wrong scent, wrong skin. This is not Ianto.

"Awake again, Jack?" John turns to face him, and he just knows he is smirking. He swears under his breath as nightmares – the real ones – come crashing over him. A hand cups his cheek. "I'll have to drug you if you insist on not sleeping."

He can't find the words he needs, something snarky and hurtful that wouldn't take away the pain but would make him feel a bit less miserable.

"What are you doing in my bed?" He throws as much anger as he can with the words. The thought hurts. Ianto. Dying in his arms as he kissed him. Coming back to life, knowing Ianto wouldn't be there by his side, alive, waiting for him to wake up.

"Excuse me?" Disbelief jumps out of John's words and hits him. "You are in my bed". John sneaks an arm around his waist; he's too close for comfort, yet not close enough. He wants to run, to hide in a corner and pray for death to take him while he mourns Ianto. He wants to lose himself in John, forget the pain eating at his heart every fucking minute he is awake, and every moment he tries to rest. He wants to remember; he needs to forget.

He doesn't want to think.

So he kisses John, all bite and fight for dominance, older memories reawakening. John was always intense enough to forget the world around them when they clashed. He lets his hands roam, relishing the feel of naked skin – warm, oh so alive skin – under his fingers. He digs his nails in, making John hiss.

Without a warning, John pulls away, a hand firmly on his chest, keeping him at a distance.

"No." He tries to move closer. "I said, no." Frustrated, he rolls onto his back, images haunting him once again.

"Why?" He can barely whisper, the weight on his chest getting heavier with every breath.

"You don't want me right now." John curls up his side, hand resting on his arm. "You want Ianto, and he's gone. So you will settle for somebody. Anybody." When did John become a mind-reader? "And you know my rules."

"You never much cared for rules." He turns towards John, hiding in his arms, torn between the relief of human contact, of life, and the pain, the loss, the wish that it was Ianto in his bed.

"Only one I've ever stuck to." John places a gentle kiss on his head, and he can only hope he won't notice the tears.

"I miss him..." The words catch in his throat. Missing him is just a small part of all the turmoil inside him. He always knew he would lose him. John sighs.

"Me too." John's voice is full of pain. For a moment, guilt hits him. He's not the only one who has lost Ianto; he's been too lost in his own pain to notice John's...

"Did you...?" He can't get himself to ask.

"It doesn't matter now." A hand brushes his temple. "Don't torture yourself, Jack. He knew all you... all we never told him. At least the important things."

He bites his lip so hard he draws blood, before sleep – or whichever contact drug John just slipped him – takes him over.