Ramen vs. Everything
Needing a certain sum of ryo for the habitual evening entert… ahem… information gathering, Jiraya, to his dismay, finds his pockets bankrupt and the check book nowhere to be spotted. He could coax the financial support out of his generous (but not as benevolent) apprentice, if the said fidget hasn't also been missing, training byakugan knows where… training or devouring his ramen. The sannin sighs and his glance absent-mindedly roams about their temporary shelter.
"Ah-ha! Lucky me!" Jiraya chuckles, having detected Naruto's holdall. The greedy man drags it from under the table and begins rummaging unceremoniously among another's possessions. Ten cups of ramen, two pairs of chopsticks, one coupon for a free lunch at Ichiraku stand, three pairs of underwear later… he discovers the frog wallet (with the useless amount of two coins in its abdomen) and a thin notebook. The last finding inflames the sannin's curiosity because as far as he knows, Naruto Uzumaki rarely writes one character in a month, considering that the boy saves his grammar skills for personal autographs (future autographs, that is). So the toad monk smirks in genuine delight and opens the notebook. He scans the writing on the first page and questions his own shrewdness regarding his apprentice's intelligence.
"The Treatise on Ramen Properties. By Naruto Uzumaki, the most astute connoisseur in all the Elemental Lands".
"The theme is something to be expected, dubious and silly, but the choice of words is interesting, indeed", concludes the author of "Icha Icha" series and switches over to the following introduction.
"It is necessary to start my work by listing traits of my favorite dish, comparing it to other stuff in author's existence. For everything is known through comparison. That is the opinion I have formed while my mentor has been explaining to me diligently the detailed differences between a C-cup and a B-cup for the tenth time".
"That's my godson!" Jiraya exclaims with pride. "He has style!" He continues reading.
"Ramen vs. milk. Ramen nearly never expires and gets spoilt. Unlike milk. I hate suffering from the concept of a severe diarrhea."
"Ramen vs. Konoha. Ramen does not stare at its eater and judges his behavior".
"Ramen vs. position of Hokage. Ramen does not demand doing the infinite avalanche of paperwork. You need to read only three simple lines of instruction on the back of the package".
"Ramen vs. Sasuke. Ramen won't run away, seeking vengeance and trying to electrocute its best friend at any convenient moment. Correction: it is true if ramen was not produced by Orochimaru, the sleazy bastard can defile anything.".
"Ramen vs. women (Sakura, baa-chan, etc.). Ramen is predictable, it won't pound you violently into the ground and you have to wait only three or five minutes for it to be ready. Moreover, there are no gloomy days in every month when you can't eat ramen".
"That's a witty remark", Jiraya agrees and remembers, slightly trembling, Tsunade's last red date.
"Ramen vs. perverts (Kakashi-sensei). Ramen won't look at you with the scary smiling Eye. It has no eyes, thanks kami".
"Ramen vs. Orochimaru. RAMEN IS NOT EVIL! And has no snakes inside".
The last thesis is something Jiraya has anticipated the most, so he reads, holding his breath and feeling too anxious for his own reputation of the flippant sannin.
"Ramen vs. Ero-sennin. Ramen doesn't yield to the three greatest sins. It won't confiscate your money, woo (in vain) every skirt or wake late with the most painful hangover… "
"Hey, I'm not that bad, imp!" the monk resents and frowns. But soon his expression changes…
"But despite all its advantages, ramen can't teach you the right nindo. And that is its only flaw".
"Naruto…" cries Jiraya, tears of joy streaming down his cheeks. "You're so… so…"
"Ero-sennin! What are you doing with my notebook!" his blond apprentice angrily screams, standing in the doorway. "Rasengan!"
"So surprising", Jiraya mutters and braces himself for the inevitable impact.