Orochimaru, Kabuto, and others…
The Special Delivery
Kabuto hears a familiar creepy echo and cringes: yet another groan has travelled through the labyrinth corridors of the secret base, violently shaking the assistant's auditory hairs and agitating his temporal lobes to the core. Obviously, His Longevity isn't very fond of waiting, especially when the issue concerns the delivery of his next "chosen vessel" or spaghetti cooking. Kabuto's patience is currently wearing thin (tending to zero, exactly) but for the entirely different reason; for weeks he has been attending upon that fretful, acrid, grumpy antique sannin, tolerating his megalomania, gerontophobia, and pedophilic inclinations, while constantly reminding himself about his grand ambitions. Thus, such a stressful service has resulted in a pair of trembling hands, a twitching of his left palpebra and a detailed list of the most sophisticated killing methods. Three more ear-piercing screams and two broken test tubes later, Kabuto sighs and stands from his armchair, at the same time catching something interesting on one of the tracking monitors: the outer camera (number 21) shows a big round barrel, with seal-papers pasted over.
"The blasted barrel! At last! Those four slugs have somehow managed to make it in time!" he rejoices, noticing that the only odd thing about the bright news is the apparent absence of the freaky quartet.
"Something's fishy about it… but then again, maybe those cowardly minions got scared away (and turned missing missing-nin), because recently Orochimaru-sama is nothing but a stick or… in his case, a snake in the ass. Who cares about the delivery guys, anyway!" Kabuto rationalizes and mentally waves away the gut feeling of wrongness. So the sannin's only "working hand" hurries to the exit, cautiously peeps through the entrance pupil for good measure (being the paranoiac type), keys in a code, and finally opens the steel doors.
"Nothing, except for the barrel", the four-eyes states and lifts it. Tries to lift it, but the barrel doesn't leave the ground…
"What the… it weighs like two Mandas with a hundred sacrifices in their maw" Kabuto exclaims, searching for the possible explanations in his mind: is it the additional lead walls to minimize the radiation from the first stages of transformation, or the boy has been gulping down proteins nonstop to become even stronger? Either way… he needs a trolley, some brute force, and a protective suit… or gloves, at least.
Both Kabuto and Orochimaru are eyeing the barrel anxiously. The assistant is being hesitant and nervous about the perspective, while his excited master is smiling, anticipating the pleasant sensation of crawling inside the young, virgin body of "Sasuke-kun".
"Well, what are you standing here like an useless exhibit… proceed!" the boss hisses the command.
"Why is it always me!" the assistant mutters, but obeys the order. "I have my gloves on, I have my gloves on, I have my gloves on…"
He carefully removes the lid, waiting for a mutant to pop up, but… surprisingly, the contents are inanimate, and…
"Kabuto! Have you swallowed your tongue? What's inside?" Orochimaru demands impatiently.
"Books… lots of books", a dumbfounded Kabuto answers after a short pause. "And it's not a henge, I'm sure of it".
"What books?" Orochimaru's "velvety" baritone sounds suddenly too malicious even for the antagonist's standards.
"How to put it… these look like "Icha Icha" series, the erotic novels, written by your ex…"
"That clown… *censure*… *censure*…" Orochimaru lets out a long string of exquisite anatomic curses and his follower gets an opportunity to upgrade his vocabulary of foul language.
"Oh, there are two short letters, addressed to me and you, should I read them or dispose of the "gift" immediately?" Kabuto asks after a while, trying to gulp down his curiosity and… amusement.
"Humour me and then burn the abused cellulose", his master says suddenly, having calmed down.
"Dear Kabuto-kun! Unfortunate rumors have reached me regarding the well-being of my old comrade. He's probably losing his last wits, lying in bed, being bored and deprived of conducting nasty experiments. So out of the kindness of my heart I send you the remaining five hundred signed copies of my latest masterpieces. Enjoy! The most generous sannin, legendary toad sage and Konoha unfading sex-symbol, Jiraya-sama".
"The next time we meet, I'll pay him courteously back", Orochimaru sneers. "Now, the second one!"
"It's more laconic and… dubious", Kabuto warns. "Only three points. Firstly, because I still care. Secondly, Tsunade-hime once told me that hands wither and eventually fall off due to excessive onanism, so be moderate in this addicting department, Oro-chan". Kabuto fogs his snicker in a cough and continues with a poker face "Thirdly, the gods will punish you if you use my wonderful novels as toilet paper".
"Hah, as if! I'll touch this tasteless shit the day I'll die and rot", the snake sannin growls. "Kabuto, bring me my spaghetti and a fuel can".
"Never say never", the grey-haired assistant ironically whispers and sighs about irritating errands.
And where is my manna from heaven (reviews)? Don't you have any suggestions or comments? *T_T*
Chapter 6: Winged Obscenity (Sai, Gai, Kakashi, Madara, and others)
Chapter 7: Curiosity Kills (Naruto, Ino, Sakura, Tenten, Hinata, and others)