T-rated! Beware!

Curiosity Kills Blonds

"Where's the precious white rose of Choji's heart garden?" the ruffled dog expert barks, scarcely dodging a lamb bone, thrown by the indignant Akimichi.

"Does Choji eat flowers now? That's a strange diet", his confused blond table neighbor exclaims and groans after the second bone shell hits the intended target.

"Stop teasing him!" the newcomer sighs and reluctantly explains "Ino's busy, she's having a "only pistils" night together with Sakura, Hinata, and Tenten".

"A what night?" the two males ask in unison, not understanding the flower code, unlike Yamanaka's teammates.

"A hen party", Choji clarifies and plunges his teeth into the next trotter.

"But why did they choose chicken instead of barbeque?" Naruto looks at his companions, perplexed.

"Idiot! Even I'm aware of the "bitch" gatherings!" Kiba rudely answers. "Having a bossy mother and an elder sister, I've always been wondering about the secrets behind the closed kitchen doors. You know, the sacra… sacr… sacramental girl's talk".

"Then, why haven't you asked them, dimwit?" Uzumaki gives him tit for tat. "But… asking is not a solution in some cases" he also thinks to himself, remembering the peripety "Reveal the lower half of Kakashi's face".

"You're actually a double idiot. It's a taboo topic for us, men", Kiba snarls at the naïve ever-genin.

"He… wanted to say… that it's like demanding… from an Akatsuki about the garments… they're wearing under those black and red cloaks" Choji helpfully suggests an already digested analogy, while chewing.

"Ah! That's a good one, Choji" his tall friend comments and tries to digress from the ill direction: "Now let's forget about too troublesome things and enjoy…"

"Wait! I have a brilliant idea", Inuzika interrupts him with a "rabid" glint in his eyes.

"Kiba, I doubt that your idea of a "brilliant idea" is accurate…" Shikamaru yet attempts at quenching a spark of a potential conflagration.

"I challenge the ramen-sucker to discover the truth about these girly covens!" Kiba announces publicly, ignoring the disapproving frown of his superior. "Or are you a scaredy-cat?" he pours oil on the flames, making his infuriated opponent leap up from his spot.

"Naruto! You shouldn't be manipulated by…" the brunet Nara begins…

"Fine! I will! I'll go and find out everything!" the offended side states loudly, hard determination is written all over his face. Choji even tears his mouth from meat and shakes his head. Kiba smirks and pats Akamaru's withers.

"Naruto! You'll definitely land yourself in trouble… " the most sensible of them raises his voice (and he rarely bothers to do that) and adds to sound more persuasive: "… trouble with a capital T ".

"Don't sweat it, Shikamaru. I'm a genius when it comes to stealth" Mr. Confident says and prepares to leave.

"So obstinate! Suit yourself" Shikamaru replies, getting irritated with the whole absurd situation. "But I need to warn you about…"

Naruto doesn't pay attention to his friend's last phrase, already rushing to carry out the shady mission. Then again, he is the type who learns from his personal (quite often painful and embarrassing) experience, not words. And Shikamaru Nara is 99% positive that it'll turn out to be one hell of a lesson.

"Really? You had to carry Hyuga Neji in your arms, while running twenty laps around Hokage Mountain!" the tow-haired kunoichi squeaks and brushes off the fringe from her right eye.

"I've always known that Gai-sensei can be eccentric when it concerns training methods… " Sakura mumbles, tasting a chocolate cookie.

"I should have foreseen nonsense coming when I agreed to participate in that blasted reunion. Silly me…" Tenten replies with a scowl. "The story behind this horror is even more dreadful. Sakura, that Sai guy is a menace to society…"

"Why? Did he make a stroke with his brush in your picture of disaster?" Ino asks obscurely.

"Yamanaka! How pervert can you be!" Sakura grumbles at her sarcastic friend.

"It's only your projection, forehead!" the blonde mocks and sticks her tongue out.

"Please, don't argue!" Hinata tries to pacify her companions, already tired from their never-ending squabble.

"Cease the fire", the brown-haired weapon master commands and continues with the anecdote, when the girls resort to the cold war of glares: "Sai had lectured Lee on feminism the previous day, and our great Rock passed his special knowledge to our asinine guru. The combination of those two mulling over the sex equality has resulted in the youthful ceremony of "Support the single female in our team". I wouldn't have been able to bear with the humiliation if it weren't even worse for Neji. You should have seen his face…"

"That androcentric prick deserved it!" Ino exclaims. "Sorry, Hinata!"

" He's… he's not that awful", the Hyuga heiress negates, but inwardly she can't help but concur with the fact that her cousin and several other prominent members of Hyuga clan sometimes subconsciously look down on the future leader, despite the hierarchy of birthright.

"Our Hinata is too kind-hearted to blackmail the arrogant ass" Ino observes and the kunoichi in question nervously hides her gaze. All of a sudden the host of the party flinches from an unexpected signal "The chakra alarm system has been triggered by something! Hinata, do us a favor, check that wall, outside the window!"

Immediately Huyga's orbs transform into a pair of mercury pools, she diligently scans the mentioned area with her Byakugan, and blushes…

"It's only Naruto-kun" Hinata reports, fighting her anxiety.

"Naruto!" the other three kunoichi hiss.

"I'll blow the bastard into…" both Sakura and Tenten are ready to execute their threat.

"No! I'm not planning to renovate my room this soon" Ino whispers, holding back the shrews. "Let me handle our uninvited guest. There is a more appropriate punishment than a dozen of bruises and broken limbs. The physical injuries heal too quickly, unlike a psychological trauma. Play along!" she finishes with a sinister grin.

"So! Where were we?" she begins in a purposely loud soprano. "Ah! The Naruto puzzle! I have always been curios about the answer to this problem. If we accept a hypothesis that he compensates his lack of intimate contact by creating a shadow clone and subjecting him to the sex-reversal jutsu, should we regard it as masturbation, heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual relationship? "

Hinata faints because of blood loss, Sakura chokes on her cookie due to the mental images and Tenten seriously tries to contemplate the paradox: "Technically speaking…"

The three girls suddenly hear a crazy scream, followed by a dull flop, in two seconds.

"Ha… ha…ha! He's… so… so sensitive", Yamanaka says between laughs, but noticing the unconscious form of Hyuga in a puddle of blood ("My cream carpet!"), she sighs and composes herself: "Sakura, can you bring the passion-stricken maiden round? No, wait… let's deal with the annoying trespasser first, then clean up the mess, or my Dad will suspect us of offering sacrifices to Jyashin …"

The duet has located the unlucky spy two blocks away from the Yamanaka's residence, lifelessly sprawled on the sidewalk and decorated with daffodils in a morbid fashion. The executioners have put the blond's hands on his chest and stripped him almost naked, sparing only the sickly orange underwear.

"I thought so…" the thinner figure points at the "corpse". "Let this be a lesson for every testosterone-driven species!" He reads the threatening neon inscription, painted across the victim's torso.

"Merciless Amazons! Whatever information he has managed to acquire, the poor lad won't be able to share his findings with anyone else".

"Holly Fire! Did they…" the second voice, belonging to a bulkier shadow, whispers, alarmed.

"Not likely. He seems to be breathing" the slender one answers. "But he had his ego castrated".

"Do you think that he'll survive?" his partner hesitantly asks, feeling pity for the fallen "brother".

"He's Naruto. And Naruto always survives", the first voice mutters to the second one. Nara Shikamaru sighs, despising the call for an overtime effort. "It could be more troublesome to leave him here, unfortunately. So let's drag this body to his apartment, Choji. I'm sure that he'll recover the usual "optimistic knucklehead" in the morning". He glances once more at the demons' work and corrects his judgment: "Well, not so sure, to be exact, but I believe in Naruto".

The next chapter: "Another Story" (Naruto and others).

Review, pleeeeeeeeease!