The Essays of the Gifted Sprouts

It is the deepest hour after midnight when Iruka Umino sighs for the twenty sixth time. The treacherous feeling of pedagogical fiasco has already been hovering above his thought-aggravated head for about three hours. The mentor fans off tiredly the sniggering single-eyed avatar who has been nagging in his right ear with the vaguely familiar cynicism. Iruka's despair has reached an entirely new limit, hitherto undiscovered: the shortly cut nails pierce his disheveled hair, which is still miraculously rooted to his scalp while his forehead is playing the part of a woodpecker; those dents actually bring an additional grief to the sitting man for the table top is made of metal. The apology for a teacher can not decide whether he should cry or laugh, in the end he chooses a compromise… sobbing accompanied by trembling.

Let's start, perhaps, with Shikamaru Nara's piece. Its young author is a laz... special boy, indifferent towards the happenings under the skies, possessing some really personal opinion regarding the doctrine of indifference… and a firm position of neutralism. Moreover, a philosophical spark. Maybe. His opus can be defined in a mild manner as an original concept of an ideal shinobi and, well, the deification of the problem-free lifestyle.

"A true ninja should merge with Nature… with the great and unfathomable Dao. That is why the practice of meditating is the most valuable pastime against a general background of all other troublesome fuss. I consider it necessary to constantly meditate, including our lessons. You, Iruka-sensei, criticize my habit, telling me that I supposedly tend to sle (crossed out) doze during class. You should stop wak… (crossed out) disturbing me with the earthly requirements and understand that my only humble wish is to contemplate the Dao without interruptions. Among other things, you seem to be stressed a lot these days so I suggest that you should meditate too… as a means of precautions".

Chouji Akimichi devised a very unique criterion of the perfect warrior. A gastronomic one.

"The art of being a ninja lies in the ability to devour ten packs of the crunchiest chips, preserving complete silence".

Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka. There is a distinct reason why their male peers fabricated a cruel taunting ditty about that duet: "The forehead of rock and blonde pork are competing over… over a dork". The teacher mentally censures the embarrassing phrase. Umino has tried in vain to guess which one of the two girls copied… but the most complicated part of his duty is to accept the alternatively valid logic.

"My ideal shinobi is… S.U. (crossed out), the brilliant man who will see me for my charms and wit and take me (and only me) as his rightful wife. One day. In the nearest future! Absolutely…"

Speaking of the most promising bachelor, when the turn to be impressed by the paper with the neatly signature "Sasuke Uchiha" has come at last, Iruka has risen from the pit of misery. But… he shouldn't have risen that high. Because of the abovementioned metal table top. His hopes have been severely crushed against the cold granite of nihilism.

"Hm… the perfect shinobi is presented by the sculptural ensemble on Hokage Mountain… the main quality is stony imperturbability. The other advantages consist of being dead, silent and not annoying. I think so because the living ninja can never stay stainless. Personally, I will not imitate anyone; I'll lay my own way."

Finally, Iruka retrieves the crumpled scribble from under the stack; the latter belongs to his most outstanding (in so many different aspects) student. "Naruto Uzumaki" is, probably, the solely correctly daubed line of glyphs. Umino's mouth gives birth to the record-breaking slow sigh and the teacher, groaning, begins the decryption of the blots. The ordeal reminds him of the sophisticated game "Wheel of Fortune": the professional dare is to guess the intended word, while basing on one relatively appropriate character.

"My pefect shi… shinopi is 4daime HAKAGE! His name was… is does'nt mater. Everyone caled him HAKAGE or Hero! People respected the man. He defeted a very biiiiiiig many tailed moster! Me too! I will defet all mosters! Become HAKAGE! Proove to Teme that he is Teme... and merry Sakura-chan".

There also has been written a P.S. in bold hiragana at the bottom: "4daime HAKAGE forever!"

Lower, under it, Iruka reads a splendid (suspiciously more grammatically accurate) P.P.S.: "I tried my best, Iruka-sensei! And I want my three portions of ramen."

Umino Iruka lets out a sob and hearkens to the voice of the fluttering advisor: "No matter what we do to them or how we cultivate the offspring, the following generation will always manage to amaze us… " Indeed, Iruka utters the final sigh and admits his setback: their ideals simply strike outright.