Chapter 14

July 20th 1999

Hunger

Hermione could count on one hand the number of times she had felt true hunger in the last year, but as she sat watching the clock from her desk on the Tuesday morning after her second dinner with Fred, she could officially say that she could add another finger to the hand. She had eaten nothing but crackers, honestly far more than she cared to admit as her hunger increased, since then and now felt her stomach twist uncomfortably as she forced herself to concentrate on the itinerary for Kingsley's visit to Germany. She couldn't help it, though, when her eyes repeatedly drifted to the clock that was above the door. Time felt almost as though it was conspiring against her as it moved almost impossibly slowly and she finally decided that when Kingsley left for lunch, she would ask whether his offer to join him had since been revoked or whether he would still allow her to eat with him. She had been going back and forth on the decision since she had arrived that morning and, although the thought of being around so many people unnerved her, the thought of sitting at her desk while the sound of her grumbling stomach reverberated off of the walls was something she very much wanted to avoid. It's not like she could fully concentrate anyway; so far she had established that Kingsley was leaving on the second of August three times and her mind, distracted as it was by hunger, had her reading the same line over and over again.

"I'm going to lunch." Kingsley announced brightly to the room with a smile when he appeared from his own office thirty minutes later and Hermione watched as he closed the door behind him before striding towards the main door.

"Uh… Kingsley?" she asked tentatively and he stopped, turning to look at her over his shoulder with his eyebrow raised in question, "would you… Would you mind if I joined you?"

The room fell silent and Hermione thought she even heard Dennis' choke in surprise, but she kept her eyes on Kingsley as his eyebrows shot up. If the man in front of her hadn't been entirely bald, she was sure his eyebrows would have merged into his hairline in his shock. His lips slowly stretched into a smile before he stepped to the side and held his arm out towards the door in invitation.

"Of course!" he grinned, watching her get up far faster than he could remember seeing her move in a long time and cross the room, pulling open the door, "I'm more than happy to enjoy your company, Hermione."

The two walked in silence as they left the department and approached the elevators, though out of the corner of his eye Kingsley took a careful look at his assistant. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, though he had some idea thanks to his scheming, but something had shifted within the witch over the last couple of weeks. It was as though the colour was returning to her, she held her head ever so slightly higher and was able to maintain eye contact with him and even Dennis for longer than he could remember her doing in months. When she spoke, she no longer tended to whisper and although her voice was still not the same as it had been when he'd first met her, it was coming back. She seemed more confident, if only slightly, though far removed from the bossiness she had exhibited before the war. He smiled as she looked up at him and caught him watching her, shyly tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"What brought this on?" he asked quietly as they stopped before the elevators and waited for one to arrive, a small proud smile firmly affixed on his face.

"I'm hungry," she shrugged simply, rolling her eyes with a small smirk herself when she heard him snort in amusement, "ok fine, my appetite has been… Increasing, lately."

"That's a good sign," he nodded, stepping forward into the lift once it had arrived and waiting for her to step in beside him. They didn't need to tell the elevator where to go, "so is that smile."

She rolled her eyes again and ducked her head to hide the broadening of said smile. Hermione knew that Kingsley had paid her a certain level of attention over the last year. Having specifically chosen (and pestered) her to be his assistant, she supposed that was to be expected, but she hadn't realised he had noticed she never smiled. She had always felt that her false smile was a good representation of her real one, that her mask was believable. They rode the lift in comfortable silence as it descended to the floor which held the cafeteria, something that only weeks ago would have caused her untold anxiety, but now she found that it was easier. She refused to ponder why that was. He only spoke again when the elevator came to a halt and he gestured for her to go ahead of him.

"So what happened?" Kingsley asked and Hermione turned to look at him, frowning as he smiled down at her. She sighed, swallowed down some of the rising anxiety and decided to be at least partially honest with him, and possibly for the first time, herself.

"I guess I'm tired of always avoiding… Everything," she admitted, the words coming as a surprise even to her, but Kingsley nodded and lifted his hand to pat her gently on the shoulder in the same way her Father had done so many times in her life. She smiled up at him before clearing her throat, "I realised how alone I've been since I… Since I went to Diagon Alley. For your books."

The last words she spoke were a rushed excuse and she could tell that he could tell, judging from the way his eyebrow rose and the small smirk that she knew full well he was trying to fend off. She had almost told him about her dinners with Fred, almost absentmindedly, which made her realise how normal those dinners had become in such a short time. In just two weeks she had grown comfortable with being around someone who wasn't herself, actually enjoyed time spent with company and she had marvelled more than once that she even looked forward to the moments that she didn't spend in her solitary confinement. She smiled softly at the thought of his company and looked away from Kingsley as they walked, seeing the vast cafeteria open up in front of them. Her heart faltered in her chest when she took in jut how many people were filing through, mingling in groups or talking over each other at any one of the hundreds of tables. Kingsley obviously sensed this though, because she felt a gentle hand in the middle of her back and he leaned a little closer to say something only she could hear.

"You've come this far," he said gently, reassuringly, "you can do this."

She looked up at him and gulped, swallowing down her fear and apprehension as she allowed herself to borrow strength and bravery from him before she nodded and he nudged her gently forwards. He didn't stray too far from her as they joined the queue and picked up their trays, kept her back covered as they filed with the queue and then they found themselves in front of the food choices. She could have been spoiled for choice, but she found herself drawn to the Meatballs and smiled to herself as she ordered, thinking back to that first day she had bumped into Fred. Kingsley opted for shepherd's pie before they continued down the queue. When they reached the point at which they were to pay, she reached into her pocket to pull out some Galleons but was beaten to it by Kingsley, who paid for both her lunch and his.

"It's on me," he said happily, not looking at her as he thanked the person who worked the till, "I'm just glad to see you eating something."

She frowned at him as he walked past her, quickly realising she was frozen and was holding up the queue before she sped to catch up with him, just to find him smiling broadly as she reached him. He laughed at her confused expression, but he didn't speak any more as he guided her over to a secluded table on the far side of the cafeteria. The windows were charmed to look as though they overlooked muggle London and while they ate in silence, she watched the imaginary people go about their business. She was thankful to Kingsley for his patience and lack of pressure over the time she had been working for him, even going as far as to forgive his consistent insistence that she saw his healer. A few people approached them as they ate and he spoke to them while she gazed out of the window, slowly but surely clearing her plate as the hour progressed. When he wasn't talking to anyone, she briefly glanced at him and a couple of times found him to be looking at her with a proud smile on his face. She hadn't paid any attention to it before, but she realised quickly that he had the same look in his eyes as her father had had when she did something to merit his pride and she wondered when had Kingsley taken this fatherly role in her eyes?

When they had both finished their lunches, they pushed their trays aside and began to go over the itinerary for Germany. Hermione had needed to admit that she hadn't really taken anything in past the date he left England, due to her hunger, which caused Kingsley to laugh loudly enough that the people eating at the next table looked over at them. Hermione had felt the colour warm her cheeks as he shook his amusement away and pulled a sheet of parchment from his pocket, laying it on the table between them. She listened as he told her everything that he needed to do while he was there, plus a few things he simply wanted to do in his down time, before she took the parchment and offered some suggestions as to the best order in which he could carry out everything. Now that she was able to concentrate, Hermione found it quite easy to fit everything from his list into the itinerary and even managed to give him a couple of afternoons completely to himself while he was there, leaving him to muse whether he should invite Alexis along with him. Hearing his wife's name, Hermione realised she had never asked how her birthday was.

"Did Alexis like the books, by the way?" she asked and Kingsley grinned, nodding. She wasn't sure what elicited his grin but she smiled back, glad that her fateful shopping trip had at least left her boss' wife happy.

"She's reading the one about Lockhart at the moment," he groaned, rolling his eyes and resting his elbows on the table in front of him, "I still can't believe he even managed to keep up his lies for so long."

"Tell me about it," she muttered, frowning to herself as she nodded her head, "I was so obsessed with him during my second year."

"Really?" he asked, obviously amused by her admission and she glared over at him, something which only made him laugh more, "alright I'm sorry, but I honestly can't imagine you being obsessed with that pillock."

"Kingsley!" Hermione chided, eyes wide as she looked around to make sure no one had heard him, he was openly laughing now and it was infectious, a grin stretching her own lips as she shook her head, "I didn't know he was a pillock, you know?"

"No one did, Hermione," he reasoned with her and she nodded, still smiling though he raised his eyebrow pointedly as he continued, placing emphasis on his next words, "he was very good at hiding things from the world. We all are, at times."

She nodded silently, her smile dropping from her face as she understood what he was saying.

"Thank you." she offered quietly and he reached out, patting her hand across the table with a soft smile.

"You're very welcome," he reassured, before standing up and gesturing that they should get back to the office, "small steps, Hermione. You'll get there. I promise."

They didn't speak further as they returned to the office and Kingsley merely smiled at Hermione when he passed her to get into his office. His words stuck with her, replaying over and over in her mind as she tried to focus on work. Had he really seen through her front and deduced just how badly she had been doing? He must have done, judging by his promise to her. She had always put such faith in her ability to hide the true extent of her issues, simply continuing on with the aspects of her life that she didn't have a choice in. Of course, she had known that he knew something was wrong, considering the healer conversation that they'd had so many times, but he had obviously seen much more than she had meant him to. Given this revelation, she was all the more amazed at his patience and grew more grateful for it. Making a note that she should find some way to thank him for putting up with her, she shook herself to renew her focus and turned back to the itinerary.

Small steps. She could do small steps.