Alright, this the more serious part of House and Cuddy's conversation. I hope, the local movie lines I chose to use here aren't too cheesy and OOC for both these two characters.
** Special mention to Marie who does post lovely comments but is not logging in. I'm just curious to know if you're also a Filipino? You do know some Tagalog words but you use them in the wrong tenses so I'm not sure if you are.
DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING. ALL BELONG TO DAVID SHORE AND COMPANY.
CHAPTER 13 – I LOVE YOU, GOODBYE
After their awkward breakfast, House excused himself right away to hide in his room while trying to prepare himself for the inevitable conversation he has to have with Cuddy. Without looking at her, before leaving the dining room, he informed her in a firm voice while he was already in his feet, "I'll meet you outside in the veranda at 2pm." With that, he saw his way out of the room while the two women were left staring at his retreating form.
House has no intentions in joining both women again for lunch. He figured the less he sees of Cuddy before their talk, the better it is for him. It's hard enough convincing his heart with every ounce of him not to go cast a glance at her direction. He can't guarantee himself that he can keep avoiding her gaze if he's gonna spend more time with her across the table during lunch.
And so, once again, he chose to be a coward and hide in the four walls of his room.
As soon as they saw House's silhouette vanished from their fields of vision, Cuddy took a deep breath and also stood up to start cleaning the table but was cut off by the older woman's firm voice at the far end of the table.
"Don't bother, dear. Someone will take charge of them. I think, we do have something more important to do than cleaning these dishes. Come on, let's get some fresh air in the veranda. I wanna talk to you."
The Dean of Medicine was left with no choice when she saw the older woman on her way outside. Giving one last look at the dishes on top of the table, she followed her.
Once, she arrived outside, she took her time to admire the serene surrounding in front of her. She saw that there is a mango tree bearing fruits a few feet from where Nana Sela is sitting in one of the chairs. Cuddy can also see a garden full of all varieties of flowers nearby. There is also a swing set under the shade. She can hear the birds humming their own version of lovely tunes in the air.
The woman doctor was broken out of her observation trance when she heard the older woman's gentle voice, "Come sit near me, Lisa." Nana Sela turned around to see the younger woman staring blankly at her surroundings. She can see her pain and confusion written all over her face. It was evident that these two had gone far too long without each other's presence but one can't deny that they also wouldn't want anyone else but each other. She needs to access the situation more before she can try to do some damage control.
Cuddy slowly approached the older woman while keeping her eyes down. She doesn't want to reveal much of her pain and doubts to this woman. After all, this is still House's Nana Sela. Her loyalty is obviously towards House and she doesn't want to give the man more hold on her than he already does.
Taking a seat opposite the older woman, she waited for Nana Sela to start the conversation. But, to her dismay the older woman just kept silent and was slightly provoking her to say something first. After a minute of silence, the Dean of Medicine took another deep breath and went straight to the point, "I came with the intention of bringing House back home."
As if not hearing the younger woman, Nana Sela just kept looking at her. Cuddy was starting to regret this decision of coming here on impulse without thinking all sides first. She's definitely not prepared to explain herself to anyone less alone House. If she can't handle this conversation with Nana Sela, how else does she expect to react in House's presence and take his painful barbs against her later this afternoon?
Trying to gain more confidence in her, she continued, "But, I don't think that's what he wants. He seems to be happy here with you and now, he has this baby on his shoulders. I wouldn't want to be the one to keep that away from him." All the while that she's talking, she kept her gaze down at her feet, not daring to see the probing gaze of the older woman in front of her.
Then, Cuddy heard Nana Sela's straightforward question, "Do you love him?"
Without hesitation, she gave her heart's sincerest answer, "Yes."
"Then, I think, that's enough reason to convince him to go back with you. Nothing else matters, dear. And I can tell you this. Knowing Gregory, he loves you, too but as stubborn as that man can be, you'll need more reasons to convince him that you truly love him aside from saying those words." Nana Sela kept looking at the doctor in front of her. She can tell that she's beginning to cry. And so, she gave her something to hold on to. "No matter what you see in him now, he's as miserable as you. You are the only one that can fill that void within his heart and bring back that light into his eyes. Do you know that he stayed with you last night in your room till after midnight?"
Upon hearing this, Cuddy instantly looked up and stared directly at the older woman's serious expression. Before she can say anything, Nana Sela continued, "Yes, he did, dear. He didn't leave your side after carrying you to Jacque's room. I think, that's more than enough reason for you to fight his doubts and demons into thinking that you're better off without him."
"I don't think….." The Chief Administrator was about to say when Nana Sela once again spoke leaving her with no choice but to bite her lip.
"Do you know that 831 means "I Love You"? 8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning. Think about it." Nana Sela went to stand up and then approached Cuddy who was now silently crying on her seat. Then, she reached out to touch her left shoulders, "Lisa, it's okay. Just don't ever let go of him." Without waiting for a response, the older woman left the younger woman on her own to decide whatever she thought is best for them. She's internally hoping that the attractive woman that captured her Gregory's heart will come up with the right one.
After her conversation with Nana Sela, Lisa Cuddy also went to hide in the room that was assigned to her. When she came into the room, she saw that the baby was soundly asleep on the crib. She went to approach it and observed the baby's steady breathing. She remembered how House had looked at this tiny creature with adoration in his eyes. She had never seen the Diagnostician that innocent and content before. Maybe, Nana Sela was wrong. Maybe, House is indeed happy here and who is she to take that away from him? Is she being selfish if she's gonna force him to go back home with her to be with their baby? What happens to this baby then?
Still looking down at the baby, she saw the little boy stirred in his sleep and made a cooing sound. Feeling herself drawn to the adorable creature, Cuddy went to pick him up and hold him into her arms. She felt her tears beginning to form in her eyes when the baby seems to acknowledge her presence.
With a genuine smile on her face, she imagines that this is her own baby she's holding and knowing that the father of her child is just a few feet away from them made her heart swell with happiness more. Then, she came to a definite decision. She'll gonna convince House with all that is within her to go back home with her to be with their baby and they can have this baby with them, too. But, it will be on House's own choice.
Getting more engrossed with the baby boy in her arms and the lovely scenarios she was creating on her mind, with herself, House, Rachel, her own son, Aaron and this baby as a "family", Cuddy didn't notice that the door to the room creaked opened a bit.
Gregory House who was getting restless at his own room decided to go to the baby's room to check on him. He honestly forgot that Cuddy was also occupying the same room. What he saw before his eyes made him stopped on his track.
Before his very eyes, he saw the exact same scene he was imagining the night before he became aware of this woman's presence in his new home. It's as if that made-up scene became a reality right this very moment as he saw how ethereal Cuddy looked with this baby boy in her arms.
She was a sight to behold as her eyes sparkled with joy seeing that the baby was responding to her presence. She looks too overjoyed that she didn't even notice that someone had opened the door and was now observing her. He was right all along. Like what he remembered the first time he saw Rachel in Cuddy's arms all those years ago in his office, she truly is a goddess when surrounded with babies.
House couldn't stop his heart to yearn for this scene to last forever but he knew that is just wishful thinking. He turned around to leave Cuddy in her "heaven" when he was met by his Nana Sela's intuitive gaze. He avoided her gaze and slowly limps his way into the living room. He couldn't afford to delude himself more on that breathtaking scene before his very eyes. It's enchanting but definitely not his to enjoy.
Nana Sela went to follow the stubborn man and said in a firm voice, "She's going to be a great mother."
The Diagnostician turned around but looked down on the floor and in a low voice admitted, "She is. She already is. She has Rachel."
"Then, what's stopping you?" House heard his Nana Sela's reply.
Still not meeting the older woman's eyes, he answered, "It's not that simple."
It broke Nana Sela's heart to see this man like this. Then, she gave him the answer that he needs to hear, "Actually, it is. Gregory, if you love Lisa, then nothing else should matter. The woman loves you too and traveled half the globe just to see you, for Pete's sake. Don't you think that it's enough for you to stop this non-sense that you keep feeding your brain to avoid your fears?"
The Diagnostician didn't answer. Then, Nana Sela added before leaving the man with his thoughts, "Both of you deserve to be happy, dear. You know, you can only do so with each other. Don't let go of her."
After putting the baby back on his crib when she saw that he was once again asleep, Cuddy went to sit down on the bed. She kept her eyes on the digital clock on top of the table not knowing if she's hoping for the time to stand still so that she can avoid for now her and House's conversation or if she wants it to move faster so that she can now go and fight for the man of her dreams.
There are so many ways how this conversation could go wrong. Knowing both herself and House, it won't be an easy one for sure. Both of them are not good into opening up and telling their true feelings especially not towards each other. In fact, they seem to be more comfortable into expressing their feelings more to others like Wilson.
In the 9 months that they were together as a couple, the only time that they were able to somewhat express their feelings was the night that she went to his apartment after the crane incident. Even those times and the morning after, it took a while for them to actually be honest with their fears and hopes.
So, now after 5 months of not being with each other's presence and everything that had occurred between them prior to those months of "separation", though this is something that they need, there are so many walls that need to be penetrated first before they can finally have this long-overdued talk between them.
Finally, Cuddy saw that the clock is displaying that it's now 15 minutes before 2 in the afternoon. The Dean of Medicine being the always punctual one, took a deep breath and said a silent prayer to whoever it is that is listening to give her enough strength to surpass this challenge that is Gregory House.
To Cuddy's surprise, she saw House's back sitting on the chair that Nana Sela vacated this morning. He's wearing a very serious expression on his face while looking at the garden in front of him. He seems to be too engrossed on his own thoughts that Cuddy wasn't sure if she should announce her presence already. She also saw that he was rubbing his damaged leg with his hands and knew that it's hurting right this precise moment.
On the other hand, House who was indeed still thinking about what his Nana Sela had said didn't' register her presence at first. But, as always, his heart or rather his nose really knows her scent by heart. Even with her feather light steps, her unique scent filled his nostrils already and made House be aware of her approaching figure. He took a deep breath before he turned around to meet her gaze for the second time after 5 months.
This was the second one since last night, they did look into each other's gaze before Cuddy blacked out a few feet away from him. Now, he only met her gaze for a few seconds before looking down again and then, without asking her to sit first readily went straight to the point, "Why are you here, Cuddy?"
Cuddy felt her heart sink a bit when House avoided her gaze just after glancing at her for a few seconds and her hope was even more crashed by his first words. She chose to answer what her heart was feeling when she saw him rubbing his leg, "Does your leg hurt?" She knew that it was stupid answer to his forward question but she just can't help it. That was her first instinct and truly indeed, House didn't appreciate her concern.
She heard him ignore her question and repeat his own in a firmer voice, "What are you doing here?"
Honestly, the ever prepared Dean of Medicine didn't have a ready answer to that very simple question. So, instead, she also cast a far away glance at the garden in front of them as if thinking what is her supposed to be answer.
House, must be reaching the limit of his little patience already because when he didn't get any answer from the woman in front of her, he looked up to see her not paying attention to him. Then, once again, repeated his self for the third time but now in an angrier tone, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, CUDDY? Aren't you supposed to be with your new boy toy?"
Upon hearing this, Cuddy feeling herself getting mad, too went to meet his gaze and answered him, "Don't go there, House."
Accepting the challenge, House provoked her more. "Or what? Are you gonna walk out on me again? Go ahead. I didn't ask you to come all the way here."
Realizing that she shouldn't meet his provocation because she knew that was just his way of deflecting from the issue at hand, Cuddy lowered her gaze and tone, too. "I came because I wanted to see if you were okay. We didn't have any news from you since you left the country." She knew that she was lying even to herself. Of course, that was not the main reason why she was here. But, she can't just say it yet. Not yet.
She heard him let out a bitter laugh first before answering her in a sarcastic tone, "SEE. Look at me? I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay when everything in my life is fine? And even if I'm not doing okay, it's none of your business."
On impulse she heard herself answered him while still looking at the ground, "It is. Because I care for you."
"Really?" House said with a bit of venom on his tone now. He knew that she was telling the truth but he needs to pretend that he can't recognize that because he needs to make her hate him more so she can go on her way.
Taking a little courage now to look up at him again because she's starting to feel that this conversation is going the wrong way this early on, she answered him, "All this time, House. Even when I broke up with you, I never stopped caring for you. I never stopped loving you."
He saw tears are beginning to form at her beautiful grey orbs. Even though, it pains him to see her like this, he needs to keep going. Still in a sarcastic voice, he met her gaze to say, "Thank you for the love. Thank you for the care." He was saying this to her as if he doesn't care if she feels that way towards him.
"I love you, House." The Diagnostician heard her say again, now in a trembling voice.
"Stop it. Just leave me alone, Cuddy." His heart was beating faster after hearing her say those magic words again after months of not hearing them from those luscious lips of hers. But, he just can't give in now. "Go back to the safety of your hospital. I bet, it's better now that I am no longer there to havoc troubles."
"I'm sorry." Cuddy knew that she was not getting to the main point of this conversation.
Getting angrier now towards himself, he lashed out at the crying woman in front of him, "Sorry? That's it? So, now what? After you're sorry, everything is going to be okay? Just like that?"
"I know it's my fault because I got scared. But, I'm here now." She tried to appeal to him. She tried to make him understand her side.
"Cuddy, you made me believe that there could be an us. Right from the beginning, I told you that it's never gonna end well. But, you made me take that chance. Hell, I even told you that I chose you over my damn puzzles. And then, just like that, after one pill of which you might knew that I am sooner or later gonna take again because I am a drug addict and always will be, you turned your back to me. You gave up on me. And now, you want me to believe you? I'm so tired from believing in you, Cuddy."
She felt her heart break upon hearing him say all these. It hurts but why did they wait this long to have this conversation? Why couldn't they have done this after they broke up? They could have avoided more aches and regrets if they were strong enough to confront each other like they are doing right this very moment in a foreign place that is a million miles away from where this had begun. "I love you, House. Even just that one, please believe me."
She needs to make him understand that everything that is within her, she truly does love him. She loved him right from the first moment they met all those years ago in college. She never stopped loving this broken man even if they were separated after their one night together.
Then, what she heard from his resigned voice made her cry more. It went right through her bleeding heart. "Cuddy, sometimes I LOVE YOU isn't enough."
Still trying to get across her point, she answered back, "But, I really do love you, House." Cuddy can now feel her tears freely flowing down her cheeks. She didn't bother to wipe them. She let them fall like a flowing river because deep within her heart, she knows that she is losing this battle.
"Do you love me because you need me or do you need me because you love me?" House, ever the man hiding from his metaphors gave her an ultimate question.
And to House's surprise, the woman had a ready comeback to his unexpected question. "I don't know. All I know is that I need you and I love you."
The know it all Dr. Gregory House doesn't know what to say after that answer. His heart was beating faster now. He really wants to believe her but he knew that he can't. There are so many at stake here. And so, he avoided her eyes and looked away at the garden.
Cuddy knew that his silence meant that she was now able to penetrate his walls. And so she continues, "House, I almost lost you because I was an idiot and a coward. I got scared of loving YOU."
Though, he doesn't really want to hear more, House heard himself say, "And now?"
"Now, I'm even more scared of losing you." The Endocrinologist kept her gaze towards the one man she truly loves with all her heart. He's still not meeting her gaze but him still not walking away from their conversation meant that she was really reaching out to him.
"Why do you love me?" House just needs to hear more from her. He really doesn't understand why this amazing woman settled on loving a miserable bastard like him. She can have any man she wants, so why him? Then, he felt his heart sink after hearing her doubtful answer.
"I don't know." Cuddy honestly answered him. The night she went to his apartment when the crane collapsed, she told him that she loves him but she wished that she didn't. Now, she doesn't wish that but she also still doesn't know even to herself why she loves this broken man.
"YOU DON'T KNOW?" Once again, House felt himself getting angry but this time around, it was towards this woman in front of him. She's giving him mixed signals with her confusing and not solid answers.
"I don't know. I didn't even believe in forever, House. But I think, I found forever in you." There, she said it. She said what she wanted and should have said to him all those years ago when they first met. Even during those early times that they were together when she was still so young and naïve, her heart knows that it was him that she wants to spend the rest of her life with. It was him that she pictured to be the father of her children.
Albeit those wonderful words, the Diagnostician found himself loss for words that moment. God, how he wanted to take this amazing woman into his arms now? But, as stubborn and proud he can be, his mind ignored what his heart was telling him all along.
Then, he heard his foreign first name from her tempting lips. "Greg, I'm not forcing myself to you. I just want you to know... I just want you to know that I love you and I'm so sorry."
On impulse, Gregory House wasn't able to stop himself from replying, "You never say sorry for loving someone. You never say sorry for loving me."
Cuddy feeling a bit of hope starting to warm in her heart took the courage to ask him what she wanted to ask from him when she went all the way here on this foreign land, "Can you please give me one more chance to love you? PLEASE..."
But, what she heard from this stubborn doctor made her heart aches once again, "Cuddy, I didn't ask you to love me. So, don't ever make me feel that I have to love you back. Because, no matter what you do, I can't give anything back. I just can't now. You'll just get tired of waiting for me." He said this while slowly turning his back to her. House doesn't want to let this woman see how much he is lying to himself.
Of course, he loves her, too with all of his being but he still knew that she is better off without him. Since, when did anyone stay permanently besides him? Even his own mother can't stand him most of the times because he can really be rude especially after his infarction. His pain levels made him say things that he didn't mean to and he lashed out to all those people he cared about simply because he was in constant pain. He saw what it did to Cuddy after just a few months into their relationship. He won't go back that track again.
Lisa Cuddy is truly indeed Gregory House's match when she still insisted by saying, "House, not once did I ever feel tired of loving you. Nor will I ever get tired of waiting for you." She said all these while staring at the back of the father of her son. Oh, how she wanted to tell him about the tiny perfect person they created back home. But, she knew she can't. If he agrees to give her one more chance, she wants it because he really wants to and he's willing to take that chance with her. Not, because he just felt obligated to her and to her son.
Deciding to give him enough time now, she changed the subject. She went to ask him the other question she was dying to know the answer to ever since she found it at his apartment. "Why didn't you tell me that you wrote a song for me?"
The Diagnostician upon hearing her out of the blue question turned to look at her. There were still traces of her tears down her smooth cheeks but the water works had stopped now. She was eagerly waiting for his answer. Knowing that she at least deserves to know this truth, he answered her, "I just never found the right time to inform you about it. Every time, I planned to bring it up, some little thing happens that made me forget me telling you." Then, out of curiosity, he went on, "How did you find out about it?"
"I saw it at your apartment." Cuddy saw a look of surprise registered on his face. Then, she continued, "You could have played it to me, House. God knows how I wanted to hear you to play it to me."
Once again avoiding her gaze, he answered in a low tone, "It doesn't matter now."
The Dean of Medicine felt her anger rise out of nowhere. She made a promise to herself that she will be extra patient with him but this is too much already. He needs to stop this negativity that he built around him. And so, in a controlled but firm voice, she almost shouted it to him, "Oh for Pete's sake, House. Stop indulging in your self-pity. It's becoming unnerving already. Of course, it matters. It matters then and it matters now."
House saw the old Cuddy emerged without warning. For the first time in their conversation, she is being herself. He knew that the Cuddy he was talking to since this conversation started was the "Guilty Cuddy" who always put the blame on herself to whatever fall out they have in their relationship. He doesn't want her to be giving him another chance just because of guilt.
If they will really give this "them" another chance, he wanted it because Cuddy really wants it and not because she just feels guilty that all of these are her fault when she broke up with him after that damn one pill. And so, he tried to make the atmosphere lighter by saying, "It's good to see the real Cuddy now."
Cuddy upon hearing his words and his tone let a frustrated sigh go before saying, "You're unbelievable. I'm serious, House." The Endocrinologist is now finding herself trying to control her urge to strangle the man in front of her.
Then, in a serious tone, too, House answered her, "I am, Cuddy. Why don't we stop here now? Both of us are just getting frustrated. Let's give each other ample time to think things first."
She had to take a few seconds pause before she finally acquiesced, "Okay."
Cuddy saw House gave her a nod before giving her his back. She saw his limping form move away from her to probably go back and wallow in self-pity more in his room. Both doctors know that they once again missed their chance but for now, they can't do anything but make a silent prayer that they will soon talk again.
On Cuddy's part, she forgot to remind the man that it's her last night here. She needs to go back to her life tomorrow for her flight will be at 10am in the morning while for House's part, he failed to convince the woman that she was indeed better off without him.
There you go. How was it? Were the lines exchanged between them too OOC for them to say? LOL, I guess, only my fellow Filipino #Huddies will know which of those lines were taken from some of our greatest local romantic movies here.
The second part of their conversation will on the next chapter. Though, the next update might come in 2 days. I will be taking a 3-day vacation back to my hometown to visit my mother and siblings on July 1 (my time). I'll be busy but, I'll try to write the next chapter ASAP.
Tell me what you think of this chapter on the reviews?
Thanks for reading,
Helen