Alright, I hope this turns out to be quite believable. After all, this is still House and Cuddy. Nothing is simple with these two.
Thank you for the lovely comments/reviews. Special mention to JessicaLynH for posting a comment/review almost every chapter. I guess, you just caught up with this story. Thank you.
DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING. ALL BELONG TO DAVID SHORE AND COMPANY.
CHAPTER 15 – GOODBYE MY LOVER
Cuddy still surprised by the older woman's discovery now stood up and was about to move to go to the bathroom when she heard the Diagnostician say in a firm voice, "We need to talk."
Taking a deep breath, the Dean of Medicine went to sit down again on the bed when she saw House still with his back towards her took out his bottle of Vicodin and dry swallowed 2 pills.
She still always feel that sense of guilt everytime she sees him pop up those damn pills. Everything did start with that one particular pill a year ago and everything can be traced back to that Cancer Scare Scenario concerning her.
Both doctors were left in silence when no one dared to talk after that for a few minutes. Each was once again left with their own conflicting thoughts but it was obvious to both parties that last night was a huge stepping stone in their so-called complicated but uncommon relationship.
Then, Gregory House went straight to the point when he heard himself say, "What are you really doing here, Cuddy?" Of course, ever the self-deflecting man, he addressed this question to his woman while still not meeting her gaze. Try as he might, he just can't yet. He still just can't look directly at her or he might not have the courage to go on with his probing questions first. The famous Diagnostician needs definite answers first from the woman in front of him before he will once again trust her with his fragile heart.
On the other hand, Lisa Cuddy couldn't keep her eyes from the broken man in front of her. After 5 long months of not being able to have a single glance at his intense ocean blue gaze, she finds it addictive to be constantly staring at him now. It hurts to see him doubt himself especially in her presence. She wanted to erase all these doubts surrounding his walls and so, with enough patience, she reminded herself that she needs to be more cautious when answering his questions. "Do you want an honest answer to that?"
"Yes." House's simple answer.
"I came because I wanted to bring you back home with me at Princeton." Cuddy answered him in a straightforward manner.
She saw House's back stiffened after he heard her answer. And then, she went on, "That is… if you want to."
She was eagerly waiting for his response. She knows that this is indeed difficult for him as the man is not used to opening up especially to her. Not realizing that she was holding her breath while waiting for his answer, she exhaled when she heard him say, "Cuddy, it's not you I'm rejecting. It's my heart I'm protecting." Still looking down with his back towards the one woman he was dying to hold on to back into his arms, he was surprised to feel Cuddy's light touch on his right shoulders.
And then, her soft gentle voice followed, "House, please. Look at me." She wanted to drown herself on his ocean blue gaze and she wanted to let him know that his fears and doubts are all irrational because everything within her was telling her that this broken man wanted to be with her, too but just being illogical thinking that she's better off without him.
As always, the great Gregory House is practicing his mantra that he's better off alone to wallow more on his pain and misery. It hurts to see him like this and only the fearless and his match Lisa Cuddy can penetrate within his brick walls to make him understand that even a miserable bastard like him deserved to be loved in return.
She saw House reluctantly lift up his gaze to meet her own and then, she offered him a small smile saying, "Why do you have to say that? You knew that I love you, House." She was getting confident with herself as the minutes passed by since the broken man in front of her just kept on staring at her and his instincts to run away as far as possible from her is still not kicking in. This means that he was indeed thinking about the possibility of them being back together as a couple. That is indeed a good sign.
Not waiting for him to come up with a witty answer to negate what she said, she went on, "I know all I did when we were together back then was to make you feel otherwise. But, right from the first moment I saw you way back in college all those years ago, I fell in love with you and since then, even if there was no chance for us to meet again after our one night together, I never stopped loving you." This is it. Lisa Cuddy is also practicing her tell-all promise she made to herself the night before when she was safely enveloped on House's arms.
She wouldn't allow him to slip away from her again after they had put down all their defenses last night. She needs to make him understand that she's not letting go of him no matter what deflections and irrational reasons he can come up with to negated their feelings towards each other. Five long months of living apart is enough and she's gonna stop at nothing until she made him realized that bitter sweet reality, too.
Getting more drawn to Cuddy's grey orbs, the Diagnostician went to look down again when he felt his woman's soft gentle skin on his rough ones to force him to maintain eye contact. And then, taking another deep breath, he prepared to battle with her own wits. "You know that's not enough, Cuddy. You told me that night that you loved me and that you don't want me to change but right from the beginning, even if you're not fully aware of doing it, you were trying to make me meet your idea of a perfect man suitable for you. You have these impossible set of standards within you that any other man can't meet. And being the irrational man that I am, I fell into that beautiful lie of yours thinking that if I will only try harder, eventually I may meet them even just halfway. But, I should have known that Lisa Cuddy doesn't settle for anything less. It's all or nothing with you. So, I'm sorry if I even tried to delude myself that we had a chance back then."
He could see that Cuddy is beginning to form tears in her grey eyes with all the things that he's saying. It made his heart aches for her seeing her tears but he needs to get these thoughts out within him if they want to take a step forward.
He realized that has been their biggest mistake when they were together. They never were this honest and raw towards each other. It's time to change that, then. "And I'm sorry if I gave you that impression now. I love you, too Cuddy but that's not enough anymore. You know that's not enough."
With more regrets, he went to lift up his hands to take that of Cuddy's from his face and then, slowly went to put it back down on her own lap. He was about to take his hands from hers when he felt her grip on him tightened and so, he tried to make his point come across her by saying her name in a firmer and warning tone, "Cuddy…just let go. You're only setting both ourselves to more heartaches. Go back to where you belong. It will be better for everyone and the people around us."
Still not letting go of his hands, she also tried to make her point come across him but also still deeply looking at his face to check for any sign of reluctance that he was indeed not believing anything that his lips were saying, "What about us?"
Now being a bit impatient with her insistence, he gave her the one answer that he knows will both throw them off-guard back to one of the many days when she indeed broke his heart, "There is no us." As expected, he saw Cuddy gasped and open her mouth in shock after hearing her very own words that she deliberately uttered years ago when she was with Lucas and still deluding herself that she can actually escape the shadows and magnetic pull of one Gregory House. The words stung even more nowcoming out of his lips because she knows this is him accepting that one ultimate lie she said to herself and to this man.
Then, she heard him continued, "You said so yourself. We tried and God knows how much we tried, but I guess the saying was right all along. 'Oil and water can never be together.' Even true love can't make them be one."
Gregory House by this time felt his heart beating faster because he knows that everything that he's saying is full of crap. He doesn't believe anything that is coming from his lips. Of course, he also felt the same way that this woman felt all these years.
The first moment his eyes laid on this brunette beauty, he was forever bewitched by her charms and wits. And even if, he reluctantly let go of her after their one night together all those years ago, when he chose not to contact her after being expelled from Michigan, not once did he ever stop loving her. Furthermore, he knows that he will forever love her till his last breathe here on earth.
Huge tears can now be seen flowing down the Dean of Medicine's smooth cheeks. She wanted to be strong for the both of them just for the sake of their son, Aaron back home where she knows that after all these months, she wouldn't want him to grow without knowing his father. The child deserves to spend quality time with his father along with Rachel. Both her children need this man to be present in their growing up years.
Of course, a part of her was also being selfish. Not only do both her children need him, she too needs him by her side to finally be a "family" once again. She tried to block away her negative thoughts first so she can come up with an appropriate response to this man after all that he said. "House, I know that I had been unfair to you when I said those things but failed to recognize that it was you all along that I want. It was your flaws as a man that I loved all those years ago. It was your unique ways of getting all you want that I admire the most. I was being sincere when I said that you're the most incredible man I have ever known and will always will be. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel the opposite way. I was just scared that I am getting more and more dependent by you by my side that when I was faced with a difficult situation during the Cancer Scare Scenario, I didn't realize that you too might also be scared of losing me. I was so focused on my own fears of having to leave Rachel alone and the thought of having to leave you. I was so used into thinking that it was me that is always left behind in every relationship I had, with my father, with you during college and all the other casual flings that followed. It never occurred to me how it was like to be the one leaving this time around. And so, when you failed to be with me during those difficult times, I got paranoid that maybe this time, I really do deserved to be left behind by all those people I cared about."
Hearing herself say all these to him is also making Cuddy realized that she was indeed being a hypocrite and a coward all those months ago when she let go of him, when she turned her back towards him. Ever since that fateful night she left him begging at his doorstep, she never forgive herself for running away from him when all along, her heart was telling her to go back and take all those lies she told him to convince herself and him that he wasn't worth it. She didn't get any response from him but him not trying to take his hands from hers gave her a little hope. She then preceded, "I was being an idiot when I chose not to listen to my heart when it was telling me all along that it's you, and only you can make me complete. I thought, having Rachel with me will be enough but how could that be possible when I already gave you my heart all those years ago? How could I live without you by my side?" The Dean of Medicine was now having a hard time letting out her words because her sobs are becoming more louder as she tried to pour out everything that is within her heart in front of this man. "It's only when I have lost you and EVERYTHING, that I realized that I had EVERYTHING with you." Confessing her feelings more, she went to look down at their intertwined hands and she tried to gain comfort by rubbing her right thumb and drawing small circles into his. She needs to make him understand once and for all that life without him by her side is nothing and not worth living.
And then, Cuddy felt her heart sink when the Diagnostician answered her in a firm voice and slowly brushing off his hands away from that of hers, "There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book." Through her cloudy vision since more tears are now flowing down her eyes, she saw House stood up and gave her his back but with determination, he continued, "What we had, Cuddy was history. It's time for the both of us to close that book that is us, if there really was an us in the first place. And there's no turning back on that."
Gregory House ever the man of logic tried to make this woman understand his fears all along and even if it hurts to see both themselves on this end part of their so-called complicated yet uncommon relationship, this had to be done. And so, feeling as if his heart was being stubbed by a knife this precise moment, he took a deep breath before he gave his decision, "I'm sorry but even if I still love you, I can't take that risk again. Being with you all those months that we were together was my happiest moments and when we broke up, seeing you from afar hurts the most. I also realized that seeing you from afar but not being able to touch and caress you is worse than my detoxing days at Mayfield. You were everything for me, Cuddy but that night when you decided to leave me staring at your retreating form on my door, I just realized how much of a fool I am by actually letting you have this much influence in my life. How could I expect someone to accept and love me when I myself doesn't accept and love the screwed-up man that I am?"
He needs to say everything now or he will never have the strength to carry on with his last minute change of heart. Last night, when they were locked once more in each other's arms, he felt at ease and was ready to take one more chance with her if she'll just gonna let him. He couldn't understand what exactly made him to change his decision and to let go of this amazing woman out of his life once and for all.
But somehow, something stirred deep within him and so, he needs to make her understand his side, "It will be better for the both of us to just let go, Cuddy. We tried but even fate isn't on our side. Maybe, we aren't for each other all along. There had been many chances for us to succeed but everytime we tried, some more complicated things come between us. I guess, that's enough of a message telling us that we cannot have this us."
House saw Cuddy also stand up on her feet to maybe come near him but he couldn't let that happen. Her proximity always makes him doubt himself and there is no room for second guessing thoughts now. He made his decision and for once, he's going to stick with it and so, he preceded her objections, "I know that I will never have anysemblance of happiness I had with you with someone else but I am really finally letting you go now, Cuddy. I should have done this years ago when our paths crossed again during the infarction days. But, I was too focused on my own pain and misery that I failed to realize that I was dragging you down with me without saying to you that I never blamed you for everything that had happened. You were my doctor back then and you just did what was expected of you as my doctor. It was my own fault that I had you believed that you were to be blamed and not correct you of your guilt complex. I was holding on to that silly idea I had at the back of my mind that through your guilt, I still have that connection I felt for you during the first time that our paths had crossed. For that, I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault by then and it definitely wasn't your fault now."
Hearing him say all these made the Dean of Medicine loss her ability to talk and so, House took advantage of that to make her see logic here, "You were right to let go of me when I relapsed, Cuddy. It was good that you did back then when it was still early and you still had that chance to not make me also corrupt Rachel's innocence. I wouldn't want that on my shoulders, too. I had done many horrible things towards you and I will hate myself more if I also dragged down Rachel with me. Both of you deserve so much more."
Without giving both themselves to refute everything that he had said, House went to move towards the door without taking a single glance back towards the one woman that will forever hold that very special place on his heart and then, he uttered his last wish to her, "Be happy, Cuddy. And tell Rachel that I'm sorry her bloody scallywag wouldn't be seeing her again."
Seeing his retreating back towards the door, Lisa Cuddy was broken out of her trance. This couldn't be happening. They were making progress with their conversation. How did it turn this way? She needs to do something. She needs to make him understand that there is still chance for them, that more than ever, she needs him in her life. Rachel needs him and most importantly their own son, Aaron needs his father.
She was about to stop him from finally really going away from her when the baby in the room made a sound. The Dean of Medicine was reminded once again that there is this baby to be considered now and knowing that Aaron needs to know his father only if this man is willing to do so on his own and not being trapped to them only because he felt obligated to do so, she also decided to let go of him for now. She knows that no matter how much they try, they will forever be drawn back into each other's path.
For once, Cuddy is gonna trust fate to make things right for them. And so, with much regrets, she took a deep breath and said in a low but firm voice, "I'm not giving up on us, House. I will give you all the time you need to think this through. I will go for now but you know no matter what we do, we can't escape each other. That has always been the case and it will forever be that way. You know where to find me. I will wait for you."
As an afterthought, she decided to add a cryptic message that she knows will make his mind be interested with the mystery puzzle that she will present to him. It will be up to him now to solve it. "We will wait for you."
That was a long shot though as he might only think that she was referring to herself and Rachel but she took her chance. He didn't say anything back to her as she saw him turned the knob to the door and before she can stop herself from looking more like a fool, she ran towards him and immediately wrap her feminine arms around him from behind his back. She felt how House stiffened from her unexpected action and then, she whispered to him, "So long, House. I'm not giving up. You should know that." Taking a deep breath, she let go of him and instantly run to the bathroom to give herself the time she needed to compose herself before her flight back home, back where she knows life had to go on for her, for Rachel, for her son, Aaron without this man to hold them together for now.
Oh, how she wishes that it will only be for now, for a shortest period of time. Deep within her heart, she knows that House will eventually come back home to them. With that on her mind, she let a small smile come across her face on the mirror that she's staring at and then, she went on to prepare herself to leave her man for the meantime.
Oh, no. What happened? This can't be it, right? They need to be together. We'll find out how this will affect both these two doctors on the next chapter.
Tell me what you think of this on the reviews.
Thank you for reading,
Helen