"my mouth is dry, with words I cannot verbalise. Tell me why we live like this... 'cause we are broken, what must we do to restore our innocence, and all the promises we adored. Give us life again, 'cause we just wanna be whole." - PARAMORE
I think this chapter might be even angstier than the last! I mean, it had me crying when writing/editing…
Steve returned to the Hospital in the early evening, he couldn't face his empty flat and another ready meal. Once in the ICU, he quietly greeted a tired looking Josh who was perched in that uncomfortable chair by Kate's bedside. Josh looked how Steve felt, his shirt was crumpled and his rucksack lay discarded in a corner. The dark circles under Josh's eyes rivalled his own and his cheeks were stained with tears. It was Monday but Steve had a sneaking feeling Josh must have spent the entire day sitting with Kate in the Hospital, rather than being in school. He got it though, if he was in Josh's shoes, school would also have been the last thing on his mind.
Josh offered him a weak smile before turning back to Kate, not wanting to even look away from his mum for fear that something might happen.
There wasn't really anything to say, it all hurt too much, so they stayed silent.
"Steve," Bernie greeted him softly as she entered Kate's bay.
"Oh… um, yeah…" Steve still jumped slightly as Bernie came to stand behind him. The ward felt eerily quiet today, the all too familiar whirs and beeps of the life support machines faded into the background and left only a heavy stillness, the only reassurance being that the steady beeping meant that Kate was still holding on.
"Can we have a quick chat?" Bernie asked gently.
Steve stood up and followed the Doctor to a small office at the end of the ward, all the while his stomach was churning, his hands were clammy and his chest tight and heavy. The day's worry that had been quietly bubbling away was now threatening to boil over and he felt like he couldn't breathe.
Bernie pushed the door shut behind her and Steve shifted restlessly on the spot as she turned to face him, he tried to read the Doctor's face but nothing was showing.
"Steve, I wanted to give you an update," Bernie began. "As the next of kin for Kate, I just wanted to make you aware of the situation."
Steve felt his heart plummet, he knew the gravity in Bernie's tone all too well, only he was normally on the other side of the conversation.
It wasn't good news.
"We are doing everything we can to help Kate, but right now she is very ill." Bernie continued.
"Her injuries from the shooting have left her very weak and so that makes it much harder for her to fight the infection. At the moment she is at risk of multiple organ failure and there is a chance that she could…"
"That she could die." Steve finished quietly. The words felt so heavy, causing a deep ache in his heart. It was the first time he'd voiced his fears out loud, and it made everything seem so much more real.
After everything, he didn't know how to process what was happening. How could this be happening? This was something that happened to other people, just stories heard in passing, not something that happened to his best friend.
"Yes," Bernie stated solemnly. "I'm so sorry, but right now it's a case of hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Sepsis is serious and right now Kate's body has been overcome with an infection, she's trying to fight it but isn't strong enough on her own which is why the machines are there to help her. She's just about holding on right now, but honestly, if the antibiotics don't take effect, I don't know how much longer she can be sustained like this. There might have to be a time when you need to make a really difficult decision."
Steve didn't know what to say. How could he reply to that? That he might need to make a decision about...
He couldn't think like that, he just couldn't.
"Kate…" he whispered. "She's my best friend, I love her as if she were me own sister, I don't know what I'd do without her. I can't lose her, I just can't." The words came out in a strangled sob.
"I hope it won't come to that," Bernie smiled sadly.
"And I want to reassure you that we're doing all we can to help her but I don't want you to be caught off guard if it comes to it. It might be worth considering what Kate would want." Bernie replied gently and with a practised solemnity.
She looked down at the papers on her desk and sighed quietly, these conversations were never easy, but they became even harder when she'd spent time getting to know the patients and the people who cared about them.
Steve watched the Doctor as she shuffled through a file on her desk, his mind was working on overdrive trying to process everything she had just said. This couldn't be happening. Suddenly the room started to spin and Steve felt like he was going to be sick. It was too much.
"I need to get some air," he stuttered and scrambled towards the door. He could feel the blood rushing in his ears and his heart pounding in his chest.
He didn't know how this happened or how everything had gone so wrong.
Icy rain drummed rhythmically on the paved ground as Steve flopped onto the bank, not caring that it was soaking wet. He barely even noticed the chilling bite of the near frozen metal. He tried to focus on his breathing, on what he could see, on what he could hear. Anything to drown out the dreaded despair.
"Steve?" Josh's quiet voice broke through the rain.
Steve met the teenager's fearful eyes. He too was soaked and shivering slightly. It really wasn't the weather to be sitting outside.
"Let's go inside," Steve stated, pushing himself up from the bank. His back grumbled in protest, stiff and tight from the cold and uncomfortable sitting position. "We could both do with getting out of the rain and something to help us warm up."
Josh nodded gently and followed Steve back inside the hospital.
Steve set two paper cups of hot chocolate down on the small table in the corner of the hospital cafe.
The chair scraped against the floor as he pulled it out to sit down and Steve winced at the harsh metallic sound, he was still feeling overwhelmed following the conversation with Bernie and the world just seemed to hurt.
"What's going on? What did the Doctor say? Is my mum going to be okay?" Josh offloaded a flurry of questions and his words merged together in an anxious jumble.
"It's just that…" Steve hesitated. Josh needed to know, but Steve had no idea how to tell him. He took a deep breath to steady himself.
"Kate, your mum, well she's still really sick. The machines, they're the only thing keeping her alive right now. And…" Steve had to fight back tears.
"and… the Doctor, Bernie said that she might not make it."
Josh stared at Steve with wide eyes. He felt as if his ears were ringing and he didn't want to process what Steve had just said.
"She can't die, she just can't…" he whispered
"I'm sorry." Steve sighed. It was all he could think of to say.
The pair fell into a solemn silence.
"Y'know," Steve said quietly, unable to bear the heavy silence any longer. "You're the best thing that's ever happened for your mum. She's said so a few times, but she's said it more with what she ain't said too, if that makes sense. The way her face lights up when she talks about you, she really cares I can promise you that. Kate, your mum's a pretty private person, so I only really know bits about what's been going on at home, but she's never stopped caring about or loving you."
"I just really miss her," Josh sighed. "I just don't know what to do or think anymore."
"It's not fair. Why did this have to happen?"
"I wish I knew mate," Steve replied sadly.
Not fair. That's what it was, Steve thought. Not fucking fair.
After dropping Josh at home with the agreement that he would go to school the next day Steve returned to the Hospital. He had a report to finish and really could've done with heading back to the office but he just couldn't face it right now. After the conversation with Chloe this morning, he'd tried to focus on the case but no matter how hard he tried his thoughts kept wandering back to Kate. And he knew from the concerned looks that ted and Chloe were sharing, it hadn't gone unnoticed.
Entering the ICU he stopped at a bay a few along from where Kate was fighting for her life.
"Hi Jo," he mumbled quietly.
"Do you mind if I sit with you for a bit?"
Of course, Jo gave no answer.
"God, everything is a fucking mess," he sighed exasperatedly.
"Do you ever wonder why life just seems to go so wrong sometimes? And I guess I can't really talk, I'm not the one lying in a hospital bed. But that poor kid might lose his mum and I might lose my best friend and honestly, it makes me so fucking angry. Why does all the shit happen to good people? Kay, Kate ain't perfect but her heart has always been in the right place and I know you've seen that.
You've gotta help me out a bit here Jo, y'hear me. If you can hear me, just wake up alright. Please wake up. I think Kate needs you and fuck it would be nice to see something good happen for once. You deserve it, I know I were angry at first, but I get it now, it weren't your fault, none of it. But we got them, thanks to what you said, we got them all and it's finally over."
With his soul shattered, Steve cried quietly as the rhythmic beeps, hisses and whirs of intensive care faded into the background.
"Please wake up."