Unrelated

by john n dean

John is a simple man with a gorgeous wife and great kids. He has a solid business and a lucrative side occupation that appeals to his love of the military. He has one big problem, though. He's falling in love with someone else. Dean isn't a Winchester.

6. Chapter 6

Title: Unrelated, 6/9
Art by: beelikej
Pairing: John/Mary, John/Dean
Rating: NC-17
Total Word Count: 3856
Warnings: Explicit slash
Disclaimer: If only John and Dean were mine... *sigh*

A/N: See all the great art, along with all my other stories on my LJ (john-n-dean dot livejournal dot com). Dean is not a Winchester in this story.

Chapter 6

Mary didn't know how she hadn't seen it before. It was so obvious. The way Dean clung to John just a little too long outside the courthouse and stared at him like he might disappear if he took his eyes away. The way John was just a little too stiff about the hug and nervous around the boy afterwards. It didn't take that much thought for her to realize that they'd always been like that around each other. Always.

The realization didn't hurt as much as she thought something like that would. Oh, it hurt. Like a knife through her heart. But it passed and left her still standing in its wake. She knew her husband. He wouldn't have an affair. He just wasn't the type to see the sense of something like that. If he wanted someone else that badly he'd leave her first. More than likely, though, he'd keep his vows and shut up about it. Suffer through it like it was a leg cramp in the middle of PT.

She watched them for weeks and became convinced that neither knew how the other felt. Dean, while he wouldn't be likely to leave John's orbit on his own, wasn't going to do anything that could remotely be considered seducing him. He was genuinely interested in the rest of the family and their welfare. He seemed to feel guilty simply for what he felt for John. The entire situation had to be hell on the poor boy.

For his part, John had turned his longing for the younger man into an art form. He kept Dean at arm's length, close enough to watch over but not close enough to touch. Gave him the same type of advice he gave his own sons, tried to help him when he felt it wouldn't keep him from being independent.

The thing she noticed most, though, was how much they had in common. How easy they were together. Out of everything that seemed to make her the most jealous. She and John had been many things, but easy had never been one of them. The sex was great, had always been great even when she wasn't sure if she liked him much less loved him. John was a good lover, unselfish and far more adventurous then she ever would have thought for someone with his staunch personality. But even that couldn't be called easy. Simple was probably a better word. Uncomplicated. The mechanics of loving each other stripped down to their barest essentials.

But what she saw between John and Dean was easy and relaxed and comfortable. They would sit for hours watching sports or the military channel or trading war stories. It didn't matter if they were in a room full of Winchesters or alone, it made no difference. Even when they disagreed, they didn't really argue. Dean was patient with John in ways that she'd never been and accepted his shortcomings with humor and the occasional sigh and eye roll. He didn't have to have the last word. They seemed to agree on all the major things and their way of looking at things was similar enough to keep even their mild disagreements rare.

John bought a surprise trip to Arizona for their anniversary, complete with a spa weekend at the Golden Door for Mary. It was four days of heaven as she mediated and got in touch with who she was. John spent his days doing other things. Hiking, rock climbing, spelunking. Really, she couldn't imagine him participating in even a quarter of the things the spa had to offer. He'd come back to the hotel every evening happy and relaxed, more tan than he'd been the day before. They ate together and made love. Woke up in each other's arms and then went off to do the things they loved. Seperately. Mary found herself coming to a state of acceptance. She loved John. Had loved him long before she allowed herself to admit it. But she wasn't what he needed. And he wasn't what she needed either.

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

"The trip to Arizona was supposed to be about us, Mary. I'm committed to you and this marriage."

"Committed… that makes it sound like an imprisonment."

"Jesus, is that how you see us?"

She sighed. "No. But I think being a full, happy person is the greatest commitment anyone can make."

"Okay. Help me out here, sweetheart. What does that mean?"

"I think this weekend was the universe's way of helping me let you go." John frowned at her. The universe? What the fuck did the universe have to do with a trip he paid for? Was the damn universe going to reimburse him? She continued before he could ask, which was probably, in retrospect, a good thing. "You had to tie yourself into a pretzel half the time we were together to make sure you didn't say or do anything to upset me and ruin the weekend. We spent most of our time separated. We can't have fun with each other anymore. Even when we could, it was nothing like you and Dean."

Panic raced through him when she mentioned him and Dean in that context. Comparing the two of them to him and her. He worked hard to keep his calm. "Me and Dean?" was all he could manage and he was damn proud that he voice was steady.

"I know how you feel about him, John. It's okay."

John snorted at that. How the hell was it okay that he was lusting after someone else? Either way, it was clear that Mary knew. "No. It's not okay. But I swear nothing happened between us, Mary."

She smiled sadly. "I know you would never cheat on me. Something did happen, though… you're in love with him. And he's obviously in love with you."

"He's in love with me?" he repeated incredulously, shaking his head. "No he's not."

"Men are so dense about things like this. He looks at you like you hung the moon. He follows you around everywhere. He'll spend an entire weekend with you if you're not doing anything else. He's mooning over you, John."

John snorted and shook his head. She couldn't be right. The boy brought all his girl and boy problems to him. Dean had no idea that John was obviously a perv, otherwise he'd be running the other way. "You're wrong. He just sees me as a father figure."

"Fine… but it doesn't matter. Even if it's one-sided, you're still emotionally attached to him."

"How can I fix this?"

"How long are we going to keep trying to fix things, John? Aren't you tired of this? I am."

"I can't…" He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before starting over. "Marriage isn't something you just give up on."

"Dammit John, this isn't about giving up. I'm not doing this because I don't love you enough to fight anymore. I want you to be happy. I thought… I thought if I just worked at it, I could make you happy. I wanted that more than anything, because I do love you so much. But I see now that I'm not the one who can. It's nobody's fault."

"You do make me happy. You gave me six beautiful, perfect kids. You worked just as hard to build a successful business, right there next to me. I wouldn't be the man I am without you."

"I'm not saying we never have happy moments, that there aren't good memories. That would be a lie. But even though we had a good time together this weekend, it was only because we barely said what we felt or thought for fear of arguing. That's no way to live, John."

"Maybe… maybe we can build on it."

"On treating each other like strangers? Oh, John. Since when am I the realist in this relationship?"

He snorted, his heart felt like it was breaking. "Is that what you're being? A realist?"

"I think so. I think you know I'm right too, John." She put her hand on his chest, over his heart. "If you could spend today with anyone you wanted to, who would it be?"

"Mary…" He looked away, ashamed of the answer.

"It's okay. I know the answer. I'm not gonna say it doesn't hurt. But it's okay. I think you should get to spend the day with him. Today and every other day you want without feeling ashamed or like you're cheating me."

He looked at her again, saw the tears in her beautiful blue eyes. "I love you too, baby."

"I know that. But it's not enough. It never really was. But it was a good run while it lasted."

John ran his fingers through her hair as he pulled her into a hug. "I wanted this to last forever. I swear I did."

Mary sniffed as she clung to him, and there was a suspicious moisture soaking through his shirt. "So did I. You're a good man, John Winchester. I'm glad you're the father of my children. Even if you are a trigger happy drone."

John chuckled, even though he was starting to tear up himself. "Yeah. And I'm glad you're their mother, even if you are a crazy pinko dropout."

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

The dining room was so silent that you could have heard a pin drop. Silence in a room full of his kids usually made John nervous. They were all present except Sam, who was off in Nebraska working on a big murder case. The rest were there thanks to John calling in some favors so they'd all have shore leave at the same time. The papers would be ready to sign, to make the divorce official, in a few days and they wanted them to all know before that happened.

"You're what?" Riley finally said. Her blue eyes, so much like her mother's, were wide with shock. Riley was the only one who got Mary's blue eyes. The rest of them were different shades of hazel ranging from gray green to light brown. Each of them as an eye color as unique as each of them were. "Why?"

"It just… didn't work out." Mary said softly, looking like she was an inch from breaking out in tears.

"It just didn't work out? It's been over thirty years and all of a sudden it just didn't work out?" Shauna sounded accusing and petulant. The boys hadn't spoken up. They just sat looking shell-shocked.

John reminded himself that they were too old for this to really screw them up. It might make them a little gun shy but it wouldn't ruin them. "Your mother and I have always been different. Too different. At first we thought love was enough. We tried, honey. I swear we tried. And it worked for a long time but… now it doesn't."

"So… you just don't love her anymore?"

Wait a minute. How the hell had this gotten to be all his fault? "I wish it were that easy. I don't think I could ever stop loving your mom."

"How can you just undo thirty years of marriage?"

"You can't. And I would never want to. I don't regret marrying your mother, I don't regret having any one of you. I don't…" He swallowed thickly. "I don't regret a second of it."

He felt a soft hand on his. Mary was smiling at him, tears in her eyes. Giving him comfort just like she had all those years ago when he had to tell her family about Brad. He squeezed her hand in gratitude.

"This isn't anyone's fault," she said firmly, as much to him he suspected as to their children. "We don't hate each other. We don't wish each other ill. We're not going to write any nasty tell-all books about each other or start talking about the other behind their back. I don't regret our marriage either. There was no cheating. We worked hard on to stay together and make this work, and we had a lot of good times and best of all we had all of you. Thirty two years is a good run. It's just time to move on."

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

"Dad! Where's Dean?" Andrew was practically bouncing with endorphins. John was getting jittery just watching him. He didn't envy the crash the poor kid was going to have. He reminded himself that his son was a grown man, a Marine officer who'd seen combat. He knew what it was to crash after an adrenaline rush. And Andrew definitely had good reason to be excited. He'd just completed his first marathon. John had decided the special prosthetic he'd bought the boy was probably the best investment he'd ever made. It was good to be able to look at Andrew and see the child he raised again.

"He had some things he had to take care of, but he saw you cross the finish line. You were awesome, kiddo. I'm proud of you." He squeezed his son's shoulder.

"Thanks Dad! Are we still goin' for pizza?"

"Of course! I just need to talk to your mother for a minute alone first."

The boy raised an eyebrow, half amused and half genuinely worried. "Okay. You sure you two don't need a referee?"

John rolled his eyes and snorted. "You ain't too big for me to take over my knee, boy."

"Alright, alright. I'm goin'." He went outside and sat on the porch swing to join his siblings. Most of them would be gone again in a few more days, but they were here now. John could hear them joking and teasing. Laughing. It made John feel a little better. Not much, but a little.

"Mary."

"John."

He handed her the envelope he was holding. "I signed 'em."

She took the envelope and stared down at it. "That was fast."

"Would you have changed your mind if I'd stalled?" She didn't answer or look up at him. That was answer enough. "I fucked up. I know that. I'll never forgive myself for hurting you."

"John," she said with a sigh, "we both know how good you are at guilt. But that's not what I want. If we're gonna play the blame game, I deserve at least half of it."

"Then what do you want?"

"I want to be happy. I want to see you happy. It's not about how much we love each other. I can't be at peace with Dean being between us. You can't be at peace with me getting angry over everything that makes you proud. We both deserve better than what we've been able to give each other. Neither of us could be happy like that."

"I would have never left you."

"I know. The way you felt about Dean and my anger were just really symptoms. Every time we fixed one thing, something else went wrong. I think it's time we finally took the universe's hint."

"The universe," he scoffed softly. He was sick of hearing about the fucking universe.

"We tried, John. It's not anyone's fault."

"Then why does this feel so much like a failure?"

"Because you're always too damn hard on yourself." She stood on tiptoe and kissed him on the cheek. "It's not like I didn't do things that hurt you too. Come on. Let's go have pizza with our kids."

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

"We won't be married when I file this." They were sitting in the kitchen sharing a bottle of Scotch. The house was quiet, the kids having crashed already.

"Yeah," he agreed, taking another sip. The last thing he wanted to think about was the divorce. It felt like someone was ripping his heart in two.

"But we're married now, tonight." She took his hand in hers.

He blinked at her for a moment before it dawned on him what she was saying. He let her lead him to their bedroom, leaving their glasses to be cleaned up in the morning. Once they were in their room and the door was closed behind them, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her.

They had so many memories here. Making their children. Kids frightened by bad dreams or lightening or that movie they weren't supposed to have watched piling into their bed in the middle of the night. Make up sex and nursing each other during illnesses. A lot of things had been hard for them, but most of the things that went on in this room had been good. This bedroom was the only place in their lives where they're problems didn't follow them and the only thing that mattered was how much they loved each other. It was fitting, if bittersweet that they would say goodbye here, like this.

Afterwards he got up and showered. After he dressed, he sat on the side of the bed. There was a lump in his throat as he looked down at her. Her hair was fanned out around her head like a halo and the light was just right, making it shine like spun gold. He lifted a lock of it from the pillow and smoothed it between thumb and forefinger. Despite everything, he loved this woman. Loved the way she smelled, the way she felt in his arms, the iron in her spine and the fire in her eyes. He missed her already, missed the special smile she had just for him. And he hadn't even left yet. "You're still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

"Yeah? You don't have to leave tonight, John. You can stay as long as you want. Until you find your own place."

"I think I need to get used to living without you." He leaned forward and kissed her softly. Walking out was the hardest thing he'd ever done.

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

Dean came around the corner, a bat clutched in both hands, ready to bash in the skull of whoever he encountered. John froze with his beer halfway to his lips. Damn, the kid was good at moving silently now. And John was obviously rusty at knowing when he was being stalked. "Dude! You scared the hell out of me! What're you doin' here?"

"I can't be in my own shop now?"

Dean frowned at him. "You're never here this late. Plus, I saw you leave hours ago. Did Mary try to feed you tofu again?" the boy raised an eyebrow in amusement, his lips quirking in a slight smirk.

"I went out to eat." John sighed softly. He might as well come clean. It wasn't like the divorce was secret. The boy was bound to find out sooner rather than later. In fact, he was shocked one of the kids hadn't told him already. They tended to tell Dean everything. "Mary and I… we're divorced."

Shame burned through him as he said the words and he looked down at the beer in his hands. Condensation beaded on the glass, a few drops fat enough to be pulled down the side by gravity. Sometimes that's how he felt. He'd fallen in love with a woman he'd started off disliking. Married her and had a houseful of kids with her only to fall in love with someone else. Once he would have said it wasn't possible to love two people, but he knew better now. He loved both Dean and Mary, in different but equal ways, and he didn't want to live without either of them. Now he didn't have either one of them. He could practically feel gravity pulling him down. Pulling him into a life of loneliness. He shook off the morose thoughts. He had never been one for thinking in metaphors, and when he did it was never a good sign.

Dean was frowning at him, alarmed. "When?"

"We filed two months ago. Signed the papers last night."

"So that's why you were here so early. With the noxious looking egg sandwich."

"It wasn't that bad."

"Dude, it looked like something Sam I Am would be hawking in a Dr. Seuss story." John almost choked on his beer at that. "I didn't know you guys were even having trouble."

"We've always had trouble… just not the lyin', cheatin', breakin' dishes kind. Other than the kids, we've never really had much in common and now that they're all off living their own lives there wasn't anything left holdin' it all together. We fight over the damn weather sometimes."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Me too."

"You know, I've got a perfectly good couch upstairs you can sleep on."

"I don't wanna put you out."

"You wouldn't be. I wouldn't mind the company."

SPN*SPN*SPN*SPN

Mary opened to door to find the last person she expected to see standing on her front porch. He was shifting from foot to foot, his motorcycle helmet clutched in his hands. "Dean… Andrew isn't here."

"I know. I came to talk to you."

She waved him inside. "About…?" she asked as she closed to door behind him.

"John. He's crashing on my couch. I know the papers have already been signed, but it's still not too late. The two of you really love each other. I see the way he looks at you. If that's not love, I don't know what is."

"Love isn't always enough. I used to think it was… but it's not."

"The kids are all gone… maybe if you tried doing things together again, just the two of you. Go out on dates or somethin'. That's what my parents do."

"We've tried all that. I know you care about us, and it's sweet, but we're okay with this. I mean, I know it's not ideal and it's painful to be separated after all these years, but we're both tired. He would've hung on until the day he died, but I want John to be happy and I don't think I'm the person to give it to him."

"But… there's gotta be somethin' you can do. You can't just give up after thirty years of marriage."

"I'm doing the only thing I can for both of us. John's already in love with someone else."

Dean snorted out a soft laugh. "John? That can't be true… I mean, he'd never cheat on you. He's not like that."

"No, he wouldn't cheat. Not physically at least. But he is in love with someone else. Someone who obviously has no clue."

"Who?"

"You, Dean."

His eyes went wide and his face lost its coloring. "Me?" He sounded incredulous. "You can't think that I would ever-"

"I'm not accusing you of anything," she cut in quietly. She needed him to know that she didn't have any ill will towards him, that she didn't see him as some sort of home wrecker.

"Maybe you're wrong. You have to be."

"No. He admitted it. It's okay if you feel the same way. Really. John and I aren't getting back together. If the two of you can find happiness with each other, I will be the first person in your corner, rooting for you."

"I… I have to go."

She watched him flee, hoping that what she'd done was enough. Men were stubborn creatures.