"she lives in a daydream, where I don't belong. She is the sunlight and the sun is gone. And it will take this life of regret, for my heart to learn to forget." TRADING YESTERDAY

A Jo-centric chapter as she has been rather quiet in this fic recently... Are things really getting better or is it just an illusion?

Jo tried to move, but her body didn't want to work. She didn't know where she was and everything felt so jumbled and fuzzy. Her senses were being overloaded with input and she couldn't think.

She was trapped.

She couldn't move.

Her head hurt.

Bleeding.

Her head really hurt.

She couldn't breathe.

Jo was pretty sure she was dying.

This was it…

They'd finally gotten to her. The OCG. Fairbank. Osbourne. Buckles. She hadn't done enough. Or she has lost her usefulness. She hadn't done enough. Everything hurt. She was dying.

That's what happens to a rat.

Smoke filled her nose. Burning. She could smell burning. She could hear the trickling drips of petrol leaking from the engine. She had to get out.

Everything began to feel foggy and the pain dulled. The end was coming. She was going to die.

She was scared and alone and she was going to die. She was always alone.

No one loves you, Joanne. You're worthless. We control you. We own you. You do our bidding or face the consequences.

She was so cold. Her eyes were heavy and Jo couldn't keep them open any longer. She tried to hold on, she tried to keep going but her body was failing. Darkness clouded her vision, her eyes felt heavy, and every shaking breath drained the little energy she had left.

Jo fell into the blackness.

Nothing.

She felt nothing.

Only dark.

Then slowly the darkness faded and she was warm and happy.

She didn't believe in a god or that there was a heaven, but she knew she was somewhere, somewhere different, far from the crumpled and burning wreck of the prison transport van. She was somewhere that wasn't her tortured reality. And it felt nice. A strange sense of calm and comfort washed over her, she felt at peace.

Carefully Jo opened her eyes.

The bright light dazed her for a moment but as her eyes adjusted she found that the scene had changed to a bright spring day at the beach. The North Sea stretched out in gentle waves all the way to the horizon and the sky was a brilliant blue. Seagulls called out in an excited chatter as they circled in the sky above.

The sand danced and swirled in the soft sea breeze, flowing across the beach in a white-golden haze.

She knew where she was now.

Jo turned to find that her Mum was sitting next to her, wisps of brown hair blowing across her face. She smiled and her mum smiled back.

Warmth filled her bones as she fell into the memory, a rare happy memory, of the time before Tommy came. A memory so distant she had almost forgotten it existed, untarnished by the fear and pain that had become her life. Just Jo and her mum, they hadn't had much but they'd had each other.

They had spent what felt like hours jumping and splashing in the waves, they'd laughed and screamed, both daring each other to go further in. The sun was shining but the water was still freezing. Now they were wrapped up in scruffy towels and old blankets sharing a portion of chips. Jo shivered but her heart was warm. She was happy, young and carefree. She rested her head on her mum's shoulder and Jo smiled, she truly smiled. This was how she wanted to stay. Warm, happy, and safe, with her mum, in the time before everything went wrong.

If this was heaven, then she could go on like this forever.

Her mum turned and looked Jo directly in the eyes, a sad smile broke across her face.

"You need to keep fighting Jojo. You have a chance now. You can be free. Free to be the person you really are."

"Miss Davidson?" Another voice broke through the gentle rushing waves.

The memory began to fizzle out, edges blurred. The beach was fading and her mum along with it.

"Miss Davidson, can you open your eyes?"

"No!" Jo cried. "Please stay, I want to stay here with you!"

Her mum looked Jo in the eyes and shook her head sadly. "Sweetheart, it's not your time yet. You can't stay here." She placed an arm around Jo's shoulder and pulled her in close. "It's time for you to wake up Jojo, you can be free. Free from the nightmare. Free to be who you really are."

Jo's head was spinning, images and lights flashed in front of her eyes and the scene around her was disappearing fast. A darkness was creeping in from the horizon, spreading across the beach, coming ever closer.

"Miss Davidson - Jo. Jo, can you hear me?"

"I don't want to go!" Jo begged, her voice horse and eyes teary. She could feel the tears rolling down her cheeks, they felt so real...

"Keep fighting Jojo," her mum whispered. "I love you."

"Please let me stay," Jo's desperation grew, but she was being pulled away. Far away from the beach and her mum. Away from the safety and comfort of the memory. She didn't know what was waiting for her and she was scared, so scared.

"Please let me stay…"

"Be free my precious Jo. Free to live the life you deserve."

Jo stole a final glance at her mum as dark spots began to dance across her vision.

Then everything turned black.

Slowly Jo groggily became aware of a steady beeping. It drowned out the voices in her head, steady and mechanical, it was so loud. God that is annoying was her first thought. Everything felt so hazy and her head hurt, there was a thumping pain just above her temple.

She remembered a beach. Soft sand and gentle waves. Her mum. She'd been with her mum.

"Miss Davidson," came a voice.

Jo grumbled. Too loud she wanted to say, but she couldn't make her mouth form the words.

"Miss Davidson - Jo. Jo, can you hear me?"

Her head hurt. The ache was dull and heavy and every sound sent waves of pain shooting across her temple.

Too loud. Just let me sleep.

"Jo, can you open your eyes for me?"

"Mmh," Jo responded weakly, she just wanted to be left alone so she could fall back into the blackness she'd woken from.

Please, just be quiet.

There was a mask over her face, gently pushing air into her lungs.

"Jo, open your eyes."

The voice was more demanding this time.

Urgh, fine then. Maybe then you'll stop being so loud.

Jo reluctantly obeyed the strange voice and opened her eyes, though only a crack. Bright white light streamed in, so intense Jo felt like her eyes were burning. She blinked several times, willing her eyes to adjust to the sudden influx of light.

I think I preferred the darkness.

The world slowly began to swim into focus.

"That's good, well done Jo."

Do you have to be so patronising?

A strange face appeared above her, a woman, maybe a little older than her, with short blonde hair tucked neatly behind her ears. The woman smiled, her eyes were kind and caring.

"My name's Bernie, I'm one of the doctors who has been looking after you. Do you know where you are?"

Pretty obvious isn't it?

Jo groaned, "h-hos… h... h- hs... pital," she stuttered faintly through the mask.

"Yes, you're in the Intensive Care ward at City Central Hospital."

So I'm not dead.

Jo sighed wearily, she wasn't sure how she felt about the fact that she was still alive. She wanted to go back to the beach, she wanted to be back with her mum, to where she felt happy and safe. Where she wasn't in any pain, because right now, everything hurt and Jo wasn't sure she could face the hurt any longer.

"Can you remember what happened?" Bernie asked gently.

"Mmh," Jo still felt so groggy and had to fight to order her thoughts.

"C… cr-cra… a… sh," she eventually stuttered. "V… v-van cr… cra… s… sh…shed."

Fuzzy memories flashed through her mind, but they felt so far away. A panicked gasp caught in Jo's throat. She knew she was in Hospital but she had no idea how long she had been here, and that scared her.

"H… h-how l… l-lon… ng?"

"You've been with us for two weeks, you were seriously hurt when you first got here so we kept you asleep to let your brain and body heal."

Two weeks. She had been asleep for two weeks. Jo wasn't sure how to process that information. She shut her eyes as more disjointed memories assaulted her mind.

The Lorry Park. Ryan. Gunshots. Kate. Bleeding. Begging for help. So much blood.

I love you Kate.

Alone in a cell. The interview. Scratching her arms till they bled. The revelations about Tommy Hunter. Steve. She'd told him something, but she couldn't remember what. The van. Crashing. Then nothing.

Jo's head was spinning and she felt sick. She was desperately trying to put the pieces of her memories back together but her brain was refusing to cooperate. Her head hurt and she was so tired.

Kate.

Her brain stuck on the image of Kate, lying on the cold ground, bleeding. And it was her fault. She'd tried to save her, she had really tried, but there had been so much blood.

KATE.

"K… K-Kate," Jo stammered, everything felt so jumbled and confused. She was scared and in pain, panic began to rise and her chest tightened. She had to know, she had to know what had happened.

Everything hurt. Why did it have to hurt?

"Jo, you need to try and calm down." Bernie spoke softly but sternly. "Can you take some deep breaths?"

I'll do that when you've told me about Kate , Jo thought.

"Jo, take some deep breaths, you need to calm down."

Do you not think I'm trying to do that? How was she supposed to concentrate on her breathing when all she could think of was Kate?

"Just follow me," the voice soothed. "Breathe in," she felt a pressure against her hand, tightening and releasing in a steady rhythm.

Jo focused on the gentle guidance, Bernie spoke with a calming authority and slowly Jo began to relax.

"That's it Jo, you're doing really well."

Jo felt the panic fade and the room stopped spinning, but she was still so tired. Her thoughts turned back to Kate, but she was struggling to find the right words.

"K… K-Kate," she said again. Clearer this time.

"W… w-where's Kate?"

There was a flash of something that Jo couldn't quite distinguish across Bernie's eyes.

Jo could feel herself slipping back into unconsciousness, she was so, so tired. But she needed to know.

"K… K-Kate?" she asked again, pleading this time.

"W… w-where's K-Kate?"

"Jo, you need to concentrate on getting better first, then you can see Kate," Bernie replied gently.

She's here. Jo thought. Kate is here. Jo felt her heart flutter.

Somehow she already knew that. Front the fog emerged a memory. She'd heard her, felt her sitting beside her. Kate had been to see her, she was sure of it.

"I love you more than I have words for."

Remember wasn't quite the right word. But Jo was sure that she had heard Kate talking to her, that she had felt her holding her hand.

"You helped me so much Jo, you're beautiful, brave and determined."

Kate had helped her too, Kate had been her light in the darkness, her reason to keep going through the OCG coercion and control. She needed to see Kate, to help her but she was too tired.

"Jo, you need to rest. Your body has been through a lot and needs time to recover."

"Just keep fighting boss."

"Mmh.." Jo mumbled, she wanted to argue but she was so exhausted it wasn't long before she slipped back into the grips of sleep.