"No warning sign, no alibi. We faded faster than the speed of light. Took our chance, we crashed and burned." THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS
What? More angst? Of course! Though, there's a good dose of comfort here too (at least by my standards!) Also, shoutout if you can spot who was inspired by another Vicky McClure character (rather out of context I know, but I couldn't resist)
It was still early as Steve made his way to the ICU, he wanted to check in with Jo and see Kate before work. Though the route was now familiar, the hospital corridors still seemed to go on forever. The empty hallway mirrored how he felt and as his footsteps echoed along the scuffed floors Steve decided he hated hospitals. He hated the too bright lights and how they reflected off the white, sterile walls. He hated how the air was so heavy with disinfectant that with every breath he felt like he was choking. Everything about the place drained him and there was something in the atmosphere that made him feel uneasy. But most of all he hated the uncomfortable plastic chairs and everything they represented. He hated that he couldn't do anything for Kate but sit by her bed and talk to her, it wasn't enough and the one-sided conversations just felt so empty.
He hated that he couldn't tell Josh that his mum is going to be okay because he didn't know if she would be.
He didn't know if his best friend was going to live or die and it was slowly killing him.
In his years as a copper, he had seen some of the worst of humanity. Bodies chopped up in freezers, colleagues - good people - with their throats slit, vulnerable people exploited. He had lost count of the times he had been exposed to just how cruel people can be to one another. And he had dealt with it all, he'd simply taken a deep breath and locked those horrifying images away in a deep corner of his mind.
But this time it's different. This time the destruction and horror are too close to him and he can't escape them. His best friend is lying in intensive care, trapped somewhere between life and death, fighting a battle he's not sure she can win. Images of Kate bleeding out in the dark and dingy Lorry Park still haunt him and the fear that he may lose his best friend won't go away.
Moving between the office and the hospital, scarcely stopping and only occasionally making it home for a shower and a decent meal, Steve's life seemed to consist of little else at the moment. It was hard to focus on anything else. He still couldn't work out how things had gone so wrong.
Across the city, Josh was sitting in his maths lesson, though it was the last place he wanted to be. Double maths was never a good way to start the day and it was made even harder by the fact that he was utterly exhausted and no matter how hard he tried, the worry about his mum wouldn't go away. He felt so stuck and overwhelmed by it all, drowning, desperately trying to keep his head above water, but the pain, concern and fear kept dragging him back down. Josh shrunk into himself, trying to be invisible. He kept his head on the desk while the teacher went through the answers to yesterday's homework. The homework that he hadn't done.
3 months into his GCSE courses and he was already falling behind, the workload was just too much. If his mind had really been present in the lesson he probably could have managed, but with everything going on in his head right now the last thing he wanted to focus on was long division. And it wasn't just in Maths he was struggling, he knew he also owed English, Geography and Biology homework and was falling behind with his French vocab as well.
He just couldn't concentrate at the moment and no matter how hard he tried the worst-case scenarios kept playing through his mind. His mum getting sicker and not recovering, staying trapped somewhere between life and death. His mum waking up and not remembering who he was. His mum dying, funerals and being stuck with his dad. Just everything going wrong.
A loud knock on the classroom door jolted Josh from his daydream. The teacher opened the door and Mrs Jones, the head of year 10, entered. She was dressed as always in a smart and perfectly tailored suit, heels and wearing her trademark thick-framed glasses.
"Can I have a word with Josh Fleming please?" She asked, eyes scanning across the classroom.
His Maths teacher nodded and beckoned for Josh to come to the front of the class.
Josh gulped nervously and bowed his head as he cautiously made his way to the front of the class. He could sense everyone looking at him and he caught the occasional murmur of what have you done or you're in trouble now from his classmates. Josh chewed his lip, his feelings of anxiety growing. It was never a good thing to be pulled from the middle of the lesson by the Head of Year.
"Hi Josh, can you come with me? I want to have a quick chat with you."
It wasn't really a question and all Josh could do was nod slightly as Mrs Jones led him out of the classroom.
He apprehensively followed her along the empty hallway, clenching and unclenching his fists trying to squash the panic that was rising in his chest. The school corridors were always eerily quiet while lessons were going on and all that he could hear was the click-clack of the head of year's heels as they echoed along the walls and scuffed floors and merged with his racing thoughts.
"Take a seat, Josh," Mrs Jones pointed to a small table and chairs in the corner of her office.
Josh sat down slowly and then proceeded to stare at his feet, his heart was racing and he could hear the blood rushing in his ears. He had an idea what Mrs Jones wanted to talk about and it wasn't good. So much had happened in the past couple of weeks, school and homework had been the last thing on his mind and evidently, it hadn't gone unnoticed.
"How are things going?" Mrs Jones asked gently as she proceeded to take a seat across the table from Josh.
Josh shrugged, he wasn't really in the mood for talking, especially not with a teacher and he was feeling so panicked that he feared even if he did talk, nothing he said would make sense.
"Josh?" Mrs Jones asked again, a little sterner this time.
"Fine, I guess," Josh mumbled. He just wanted to get out of this office, out of the school and away from everything. He didn't know how to get through the day, all he wanted was to get back to the Hospital to see his mum. Nothing felt right and no matter how scary it was seeing his mum hooked up to all those monitors and machines, it was the only place he felt safe.
"I'm not sure I believe that," Mrs Jones stated softly.
Josh looked up to meet the teacher's concerned gaze and that was all it took, the fragile threads that had been holding him together broke. His defences crumbled and he couldn't hold it all in any longer. His eyes started watering and he had to fight against the tears.
Mrs Jones offered him a reassuring smile. "I know you're a good kid Josh but in the past couple of weeks your attendance has noticeably gone down, you've missed quite a few lessons and you've had several lates and unauthorised absences."
Josh bit his lip and gazed anxiously around the room while Mrs Jones continued.
"Also several teachers have noticed how you've been distracted in lessons and so have started falling behind on your classwork and you've also missed several homework hand-ins."
"Umm…" Josh picked at the fabric of the chair trying to think of anything other than his mum. He just couldn't focus on school right now and just wanted to be left alone.
"Josh, this isn't a telling off," Mrs Jones insisted gently. "This is more of an informal chat to see if there is anything we as a school can do to support you. I know most of the pupils see me as this cold and scary figure, just here to shout or tell them off, but I promise you, I do care. If there is anything I can help you with or anything you think the school might need to be made aware of, please let me know."
Josh looked up at Mrs Jones still trying really hard not to cry. He didn't know how he was supposed to start explaining everything. There was something about the teacher's calm and gentle tone that made him feel at ease. Whatever the other students said about her being cold and scary, she genuinely seemed to care.
"Erm.." he stuttered quietly. "It's me mum…" Josh trailed off. Saying everything out loud made it all seem so much more real.
"What about your mum?" Mrs Jones asked earnestly. "From looking at your file there's only your dad's details on there."
Anger flashed and Josh clenched his fists in frustration. "Course there is," he scoffed.
"What do you mean by that?"
Josh shrugged. He didn't know how to start explaining things about his dad, things were bad enough without the added complications of whatever had gone on between his parents.
"Just, me dad, he's being such a prick about it all, it's just making everything worse."
"Making what worse Josh?"
"Just, the whole situation…with mum…with what happened."
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
Josh chewed his lip for a moment, but then gave a slight nod, he couldn't keep it all in any longer, and there was something about Mrs Jones' calm tone that helped him feel at ease. He took
"Me mum, ermm… she got hurt, she's… she's in Hospital."
Mrs Jones offered him a comforting smile, "I'm sorry to hear that Josh."
"She's really sick and they don't know if she is going to get better."
"Do you have anyone to talk to?" Mrs Jones asked. "What about at home?"
"Not at home. Dad hates that I'm going to see mum but I won't let him stop me."
"Is that why you've been going during school time?" Mrs Jones asked, her tone was one of concern rather than anger.
"I guess." Josh replied quietly. "It's just that I'm really scared I'm going to lose her. I got it all wrong, I thought she didn't care about me but she does, it was just dad that wouldn't let her see me. I only found out she was in hospital because I saw a message on his phone. And now she might die and I'll never get a chance to fix things!"
"I'm sure your mum knows you care about her. And I'm also sure she's in the best place possible right now and the Doctors will do all they can to help her get better."
"But what if she doesn't!" Josh cried.
He was really starting to panik, all the emotions he'd been trying to keep in spilling over. In starting to talk, he'd opened the gates and now he couldn't stop.
"She just lies there looking so weak and broken. She can't breathe on her own and there are so many machines and wires and tubes and it hurts so much every time I see her like that. The Doctors and Nurses keep saying that they're all there to help her and I get that but all I can think about is what if these are my last memories of her. What if all I get to remember is machines and hospitals. I can't stand it. I don't know what to do anymore!"
Mrs Jones stood up, walked round the table and knelt down next to Josh.
"It might not feel like it right now, but you will remember. There are happy times with your mum and you will be able to remember those," Mrs Jones said softly.
"I'm just so scared she's going to die and I can't do anything about it."
"I know it's hard to think of it like this, but remember it's still only a possibility that she might die, you can't know for certain. Even if the worst does happen then yes, it will be horrible, and when you lose someone you love it feels like your world falls apart and nothing will ever be okay again, but I promise you Josh, it will be. You'll probably be hurting for a long time but the school will be here to support you. The hurt won't go away but it will get easier to live with, and you'll never forget her. Part of her lives on in you, so no matter what happens, you remember that."
Mrs Jones spoke softly, her tone caring and empathetic. There was an open sincerity in her words, as if she spoke with a shared experience and understanding.
As the room quietened, Josh realised he was sobbing. Like the proper ugly crying, eyes red and puffy and tears streaming like rivers down his cheeks.
"She's so sick and I've never seen her like that before. She's in a coma and needs all these machines to stay alive and I go and I talk to her but she can't reply. I don't even know if she can really hear me."
Josh squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to stop the tears from falling.
Mrs Jones reached over to her desk and passed Josh a box of tissues. "And that must be so scary for you, but all the Doctors and nurses at the Hospital know what they are doing and they are doing all they can to look after her and make sure she gets better. People wake up from comas all the time, don't lose hope Josh, that's important."
Josh took a shaking breath.
"I just can't see any right now though."
"I know," Mrs Jones sighed, "but you can't spend all your time thinking about the worst, I don't really know your mum but I don't think she would want that. And thinking like that isn't going to help you either. I know it might feel really hard or might be the last thing on your mind, but you can't be there for your mum if you don't look after yourself.
"I suppose," Josh sniffed.
"I'm serious Josh."
"okay..." Josh mumbled. "It's just that I can't stop worrying and no matter how hard I try to think about other things it's always there."
"The fact that you are worrying so much just shows that you care."
"But caring is not enough. Caring ain't gonna make mum better!"
"I know Josh, but it's not your job to make your mum better, that's for all the Doctors, Nurses and other experts at the Hospital. Keep caring, keep going to visit your mum, and keep talking to her if that helps. It might not feel like much, but you're doing a lot. Not all kids your age would spend their time after school in the hospital."
"I just don't know what to do, nothing feels enough."
"How about we make a deal?" Mrs Jones suggested. "I'll speak with your teachers, I'll only tell them as much as you want me to, but I'll ask them to go easy on the homework for the rest of this term and over the holidays, that should give you more time to go and see your mum. But in return, you are going to come in on time, go to all of your lessons and complete the work set as best you can."
"Yeah, okay" Josh agreed quietly. "That sounds alright."
"Good. And how about I check in with you every few days. It doesn't have to be for very long but I want you to know that you don't have to deal with this alone. I'm here to talk if you need it. Anytime."
"Thanks, Miss."
"You're welcome, Josh," Mrs Jones smiled.
The bell had just rung by the time Josh got back to the classroom. He slipped past the stream of students to collect his rucksack and within seconds he was heading back out the door again, thankful that he had a break before his next lesson.
A few hours later as Josh was walking to the Hospital the conversation with Mrs Jones was playing on his mind. She kind of looked like his mum, if his mum had been the kind of person to wear smart suits and heels, though somehow he couldn't imagine Mrs Jones chanting at the Footie on a weekend. He decided that it was good to have someone to talk to, someone from outside of everything. Steve was great and he could understand how worried Josh was but they were both so scared of losing Kate and that wasn't always helpful.
The ICU always felt eerily quiet compared to the bustle of the rest of the hospital. There wasn't any Christmas music playing, it remained a silent, sterile bubble, so far apart from the festive cheer of the outside world and if he was honest Josh preferred that.
He was just so tired of it all.
He and Steve seemed to have fallen into a routine. He'd come after school and sit with his mum until Steve finished work. Then they'd both sit with her for a while, sometimes chatting about the footie or the latest series - it turned out that Steve was also a massive Game of Thrones Fan. Sometimes they just sat quietly, hoping Kate knew they were there.