"Death is just so full and man so small. Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before. There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears." MUMFORD AND SONS

Can Josh manage the festive cheer when he feels like he is falling apart?

It was Josh's final day at school before the Christmas holidays. He sat in a corner of the canteen only half listening to the chatter of his friends as they compared present wish lists and the Christmas jumpers they were wearing. Dan definitely won on novelty value, his jumper lit up and played an awful variation of Frosty the Snowman. His lessons this morning had consisted of playing games and watching films but couldn't really get into the Christmas spirit. It just felt wrong. For Josh, smiles and laughter were a long forgotten concept.

At least the end of term meant that it was a half day and he was able to go home at lunchtime. Well, not home but at least he would be done with school. He sighed wearily, just one more lesson to get through.

Josh followed the rest of his friends towards the classroom as Mrs Jones approached him. She too had joined the other staff in dressing down for the non-uniform day and her usual smart suit had been replaced by a gaudy Christmas jumper and jeans. It didn't quite match up to Dan's but with multi-coloured pompoms and tassels covering a glittery Christmas Tree, it came close.

"Hi Josh, how are you doing?" She asked gently.

Josh shrugged.

"No Christmas jumper," Mrs Jones stated, noticing Josh's Forest hoodie.

"Wasn't really feeling it," Josh mumbled looking down at the floor. Even in casual clothes, Mrs Jones' gaze was still intense. He had stood out all morning, wearing a football hoodie while the rest of his peers all wore Christmas Jumpers in varying ugliness. He didn't care though, his mum had bought him this hoodie for his last birthday and wearing it helped him to feel closer to her somehow.

"That's okay," Mrs Jones reassured, "I know you have other things on your mind at the moment."

"I wish I didn't," Josh grumbled quietly.

"I know, Josh, but you can't change what has happened, no matter how much you want to."

"Yeah, I know that, but it still all feels so hard."

"Remember what I said the other day, you feeling like this, it shows how much you care and that means something."

"Doesn't make it any easier though," Josh sighed.

"I don't think a situation like this is ever going to be easy," Mrs Jones offered a kind smile. "But you are handling it as well as you can. I've noticed your attendance has been better in the last couple of days, you've been in all your lessons and haven't had any lates. That's good Josh."

Josh shrugged. "Just trying to do as you asked.

"And I respect that Josh, I really do. I imagine school is the last place you want to be right now, so the fact that you are trying is important."

"Thanks."

"How are you doing with it all?" Mrs Jones asked again. "Really."

"As okay as I can be," Josh replied quietly. He wasn't really okay, how could he be? But at least he didn't have to think about school for the next two weeks.

"Glad I'm going to have a break from school stuff I guess."

"Do you have any plans?"

"Just going to see mum. I dunno what else."

"And how are you finding it, going to see your mum? Remember you need to take some time for yourself too. As I said before, you can't be there for your mum if you aren't looking after yourself."

Josh shrugged again, he didn't know how to begin to explain how hard it was and all the confusion and frustration he felt every time he visited the hospital.

"Like, I wanna go see her but I hate just having to sit there, not being able to do anything. I wanna do more, but I don't know if there is anything else I can do."

"What kind of things would you normally do with your mum, if she wasn't ill?" Mrs Jones asked.

"The footie is kinda our thing I guess. We both have Seasons tickets for Forset." Josh's heart ached as he thought of the last time he'd been to a game with his mum. An early Saturday kick-off that ended with a 2-0 win over Wycombe. He'd been meeting with his mates in the evening so had said a hasty goodbye. Now he wished he had done things differently.

Mrs Jones smiled. "Ahh that sounds good. Is there any way you could bring the footie to your mum? It might help you both to do something familiar."

"Umm…"

"What about the radio commentary?" Mrs Jones suggested. "That way you could listen to the next game together."

Josh paused for a moment, it actually wasn't a bad idea and anything was better than the empty silences. "Yeah, I could do that. Thanks Miss!"

Mrs Jones smiled again, "you're welcome Josh. Now you better get to your lesson, don't want to end the term with a late mark after you've done so well the past few days."

Josh smiled slightly in return. "Thanks again Miss, and I hope you have a good Christmas."

Just over an hour later, Josh jumped out of his seat as soon as the final bell rang. He hastily shoved his books into his rucksack and was walking out of the school gates within minutes. Around him came the excited chatter of the other pupils, all looking forward to two weeks off school and celebrating the festive season with their friends and families. Josh just felt hollow. He wasn't in the mood for celebrating at all. How could he? His mum was critically ill, and could still die. That possibility hadn't escaped him, in fact, it was all he could think about. He was on edge all the time, just waiting for the worst to happen.

At home he was constantly arguing with his dad. He'd reached the point where he found it hard to be in the same room as him, with his constant comments and cruel remarks. It was wearing him down.

There was a weariness to Josh Fleming, he was carrying a weight that no 14 year old should have to bear.

In truth, he was exhausted. He'd barely slept in the past couple of weeks and even when he did manage to get some sleep he'd been plagued by nightmares.

Everything felt so overwhelmingly raw, almost too real. It felt like his brain was playing catch-up. Still trying to process everything that had happened. Almost two weeks ago, his world had just stopped and now he was stuck in some kind of limbo, hoping for the best but fearing the worst. And on top of that he'd still had to function at school and home, trying to pretend that everything was normal. He was glad to have two weeks off, just as a chance to make sense of it all, though he wasn't sure he would ever be able to.

Coloured lights flickered and sparkled as Josh made his way through the city centre. He hated having to walk past all the Christmas lights and decorations, it was all so overbearingly cheerful. He had never noticed before just how garish it all seemed, how in your face it all was. The Hospital was decorated too, a large glittering tree stood in the reception area, it wasn't a real one but it wasn't one of the cheap fake ones either, if he had been in the mood to appreciate it he easily could have.

Josh wandered the now familiar route up to the intensive care ward, an eclectic mix of tinsel and paper decorations lined the hospital corridors.

Stepping into the stark and clinical cleanliness might as well have been stepping into a different world. The patients here were too sick, and so extremely vulnerable that anything from the outside world could potentially be deadly to them. And his mum was one of those patients.

He took his usual place in that uncomfortable chair.

"Hi mum," Josh greeted quietly as he entered Kate's bay. He glanced up at the monitors, he still couldn't really understand what the readings meant but he knew enough to know they were steady. Every day he hoped to see a change, an improvement – any sign that his mum was coming back to him. But nothing happened.

"Today is Friday, 18 th December. School broke up for Christmas today so I've now got two weeks off. I might come and see you more often, if that's alright."

His mum didn't answer.

"Dad thinks I shouldn't be spending so much time here. Well, he says I shouldn't be coming to see you at all. But I can't not. You're me mum and I care. Anyways, anything is better than being at home with him. He's still saying such horrible things and it makes me so angry and I just want to be away from all that."

"I talked to Mrs Jones the other day, and again today. She's been quite nice actually. Like, everyone at school is dead scared of her because she seems so strict, and like, when she shouts the whole school can hear. Dan said she made the walls shake once when she shouted but I think he were exaggerating. Other than Steve, she's the only person I've really talked to. Me mates don't really get it, how could they? I thought I were gonna get proper told off but she were just nice, said I can always talk to her if I need to. I think she actually cares. She said she were gonna talk to my teachers, because it's been really hard to concentrate in school and I'm trying, I'm really trying but it all seems so pointless when you're just lying here and I can't stop being scared that somethings gonna happen to you."

Josh stopped and took a shaky breath. Crying, yet again. He needed to try and stay positive, his mum didn't need to hear how scared he was and that wasn't being strong but it was just hard. Really hard. The horrible crushing feeling returned and clutched at his chest and he felt like he couldn't breathe.

"I… I'll be back in a moment, mum," he stuttered through half sobs.

Josh turned to leave the bay, he just needed a break. In his panicked state, he didn't see the Doctor and crashed straight into her.

"Josh?"

"S… s… sorry," Josh mumbled an apology trying to hold back the tears.

"Are you alright?"

All Josh could do was shake his head. Of course he wasn't alright.

"Why don't you come and have a seat?"

Bernie guided Josh to a quiet space at the end of the ward.

"Can I get you anything?"

Josh shrugged and looked down at the floor. Tears once again streaming down his cheeks.

Bernie sat down next to Josh and held out a box of tissues.

Josh blinked heavily and tried to brush away the tears. "Why is this so hard?"

"I wish I had an answer for that."

"I just keep getting so upset. All I do is cry and that's no good for mum but I just can't stop."

"It's a perfectly natural reaction to what you're experiencing," Bernie reassured Josh quietly. "You're doing really well Josh, just you coming to see your mum and talking to her helps more than you may realise. I know you've already heard this, I think Jay had a chat with you the other day."

Josh nodded, "the nurse explained what all the machines were doing. Like in a way that I could understand. It made it a bit less scary, I think"

"That's good," Bernie replied.

"But, it's still hard to sit here and talk."

"I know it feels hard, but it's not just about talking to her, even in coming to see your mum you are helping her." Bernie offered Josh a kind smile. "Even if she can't hear you, she will recognise your voice and in a way will know you are here. That's going to be a big comfort for her. There are many kids your age that might find coming to the ICU too hard or scary."

"Like, it is scary," Josh added quietly, "but she's me mum. I can't not come and see her"

"It's nice that you think like that Josh. Your mum is lucky to have you."

"Thanks," Josh shrugged. He is still finding things difficult and he still felt guilty about how he had gotten things so wrong. how he'd listened to his dad and thought that his mum didn't care. How awful he had been to her in recent months. Always distant and barely even replying to her messages.

"And anytime you want a chat Josh, just let us know. We're here to support you too."

"Cheers," Josh replied quietly. The crushing feeling in his chest had faded slightly. "I'm gonna go back to mum now if that's okay.

"Course it is," Bernie smiled. "And remember, you just being here when your mum, maybe needs you the most, that's more than enough."