"I don't know what it would take to save your life, but if you'd give me a chance I'd like to try. I'm not gonna say that it's alright, 'cause we both know, yeah, we both know it's not alright." RISE AGAINST

We're back with Josh for this chapter and now it's the Christmas holidays he is ready to spend more time with his mum. Can he find something they will be able to do together?

It was Saturday morning and Josh sat quietly just watching his mum, he watched as her chest rose and fell. The gentle whirs and hums of the machines keeping her alive blurred into the background, he could never get used to the sound but he'd spent so much time in the hospital now he hardly noticed it anymore.

It had now been over a week since his mum had been rushed back into ICU, a week of sleepless nights, worry and arguments with his dad. His one solace was that things had gotten slightly easier at school since he'd spoken with Mrs Jones, he still found it hard to concentrate but just having someone who knew what was going on helped.

School had just broken up for Christmas but he had no interest in presents or celebrating at all really. All he wanted was for his mum to be okay. He felt as if his world had come crashing down around him in recent weeks. Okay, maybe he hadn't been that close to him in recent years, she was so busy with work and ever since his dad had kicked her out there had been periods where they'd fallen out of contact. But after everything, Josh now knew that it wasn't all his mum's fault. She had never given up trying, or caring about him. And he couldn't help but feel so guilty. He should have tried harder too, made more of an effort to stay in touch, and replied to all the messages she sent, just, he should have done more.

If… if the worst was to happen without him having the chance to properly make up for the missed years he wasn't sure he would be able to forgive himself, and regardless of what happened he'd never forgive his dad. He had said such horrible things over the past few weeks and Josh was sure he meant every word. He couldn't move past that, how someone could be so hateful, and use such hurtful words.

"Hi mum." Josh began quietly. "I know I've not spoken to you in a while but I've not really known what to say."

He sighed quietly and screwed his eyes shut for a moment to stop the tears. This was really hard. All he did was go to school then come to the hospital and sit with his mum for as long as he could. Often opting to walk home instead of getting the bus, anything to avoid spending time at home.

"I've been coming every day though. You've been here for just over a week now. And before you ask, I've not been coming until after school. I've not been skipping out on lessons or anything and I've been trying my best to keep on top of all the homework too but it's hard y'know. There's too much else going on."

Josh paused for a beat, "It's the Christmas holidays now so I guess I can come to visit more often. Forest are kicking off soon and I thought maybe I can get the game up on the radio and we can listen together, I checked with the Doctor and she reckoned it might be a good idea. She said it could be good to keep doing things that are familiar, talking about and listening to what you know. If you can hear us, that is… I know it's not quite the same as going to the match but at least it's something. It's an away game anyway and South East London is a bit of a trek, so radio it is..."

Josh got his phone out of his pocket and opened the radio app he'd downloaded.

"It were Mrs Jones' idea really. I don't think she knows owt about football but she suggested we do something together that we normally would. And this was as close as I could get."

He scrolled through the settings, trying to find a volume that was loud enough to be heard over the beeps and whirs of the machines but not one that would disturb the other patients.

"We beat Sheffield Wednesday the other day. 2-0, our first win in a few games and it were a good one."

Josh smiled. Football had always been the thing he shared with his mum. Some of his earliest memories were of sitting on her shoulders watching the game. Wearing a too big hat and scarf in Forest colours. Joining in with cheering and laughing along with the crowd, even if he was too young to fully follow what was going on.

Just under two hours later, the game had just finished with a 1-1 draw against Millwall. The sounds of the football commentary faded and the ward fell quiet again.

"Not a bad result I guess," Josh said as he reached over and closed the radio app. He flicked through his notifications quickly and then shoved his phone into his back pocket.

In the minutes afterwards, he watched his mum closely, desperately wanting to see something. Some kind of sign that she could hear him, acknowledge him. That she was still there. He knew that his mum might be able to hear and comprehend things, yet nothing happened. The monitors and machines remained steady, no change. His mum continued to lie motionless.

Josh turned away feeling somewhat deflated. Maybe it had been foolish to hope, but hope was all he had.

He yawned and rubbed his eyes, suddenly feeling utterly exhausted. His nights had been consumed by internet searches. He wanted to understand and be prepared but all the information he found only made him more scared.

He remembered reading that being in coma twice within a short space of time meant his mum had a higher risk of lasting brain damage. The longer she stayed comatose the longer it would take her to recover. If she would ever be able to. There was so much between being well and the position she was in now. Words and definitions from his online research flashed through his thoughts… Vegative or minimally conscious states… Brain damage… Memory loss… Personality changes… There was so much that could go wrong and it terrified him. As much as he tried not to, he couldn't help but think about the what-ifs and worst-case scenarios.

Josh clung to the fact that she was still holding on. Surely, that had to be a good thing. His mum could be so stubborn at times. He just hoped she could be stubborn for when it really mattered.

He yawned again, the ward was beginning to feel stifling and far too warm.

"I'm gonna go now Mum, but I'll be back soon okay."

When he arrived home Josh kicked his shoes off and slung his coat over the hook in the hall. He just wanted an afternoon of lying on his bed watching Netflix to try and drown out all that was happening. He was heading up the stairs when his dad came out of the kitchen.

"You shouldn't be spending so much time at the hospital. It ain't right."

Josh turned around and glared at his dad.

"I want to and nothing you can say is going to stop me."

Mark scoffed. "You're just as bloody stubborn as she is."

"And?" Josh replied. "That's a good thing!"

"No it isn't. Your mum got herself in this mess, I don't want you getting dragged into it too."

"Well I am part of it and nothing you say is gonna change that."

Mark scoffed again, "it's not like you can do anything when you visit her anyway. What's the point, it's like talking to a vegetable.

"We listened to the footie actually!" Josh yelled back. "The Doctor said it would help to hear familiar things."

"Why are you intent on helping her all of a sudden? She never cared for you."

"Yes she did, you just never gave her the chance to show it!"

"You're better off without her!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are. She's not even conscious and you're spending all this time at the hospital with her. It ain't right."

"I'm there because I care, because I want to help. And even if I can't, I want to be. Why can't you get that?"

"She's pretty much dead already, it'd be better just to forget about her so you can move on with your life."

Josh thumped his hand heavily against the bannister. "Just stop, alright! I can't listen to this anymore!" He was shaking and on the verge of tears.

"She's getting you so upset. See it's no good for you."

"No, you're the one getting me upset. Saying such horrible things. Whatever happened, how can you wish her dead?" It was taking all he had to retain some composure.

"Because you're better off without her and I wish her dead because that seems the only way to finally put a stop to all this nonsense."

Josh turned away, breathing heavily, a deep anger flowing through his veins, "I'm not listening to any more of this!" he shouted, voice shaking. He stomped up the stairs, slammed the bedroom door and turned his music up.

Then sank onto the floor and sobbed. Everything poured out at once, the anger, the frustration, the fear. He could hear his dad shouting on the other side but he just ignored him and turned the music up. Josh curled up as tightly as he could, how had everything gone so wrong? He felt as if he was drowning under the weight of it all.

He cried until he had nothing left and when the tears finally dried he stretched out slowly. His eyes stung and his head felt heavy. He didn't know what to do anymore.

He focused on the music thumping from the speakers, getting lost in the lyrics.

"Take the ones you love. And hold them close because there is little time. And don't let it break your heart, I know it feels hopeless sometimes. But they're never really gone, so long as there is a memory in your mind..."

Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. He didn't want his mum to become just a memory, there was so much left for them to do. He had to hold on to the hope, it was all he had left. And no matter what his dad said, he wasn't going to leave his mum, not now, not when she needed him.

As the tears cleared for a second time he remembered reading an article last night that writing a letter could help. It could give him a way of getting out all the things he didn't know how to say. Josh sighed wearily. He'd reached a point where anything was worth a try. He climbed onto his bed and pulled out his notebook and pencil case from his discarded rucksack.

He stayed just sitting for a while, pen hovering above the paper, unsure of where to start. He chewed his lip, the only way to find the words was to start writing...

Dear mum…

I'm going to start off simple by saying that I miss you. I really miss you, and I know you're here, or in the hospital, but it's kinda different. I miss you being awake and so alive.

I hope me writing a letter to you is okay. I don't know if you're ever going to read this. Hopefully, you'll be able to soon, but no one seems to be able to tell me with any certainty what's gonna happen. I really don't like that, the not knowing. All I can think about is the worst case and I really don't want that to happen. I just can't lose you. Not when we just promised to make things better, to try again.

I'm just trying to put everything down, it's not always easy to get it ordered clearly in me head and there's so much to say and sitting by you in the hospital bed, sometimes it's hard to find the right words. I'm hoping writing to you instead might help with that.

I guess I'm going to be honest and say it's really hard seeing you so sick and hooked up to all those machines and monitors. No matter how many times I see them or it's explained to me why you need them it's still scary. They are doing a really good job, the Doctors and the Nurses. They've always been really nice when I visit and take time to explain things to me and aren't treating me like some stupid little kid. I appreciate that.

But something like this, I never expected to have to deal with it, I don't think anyone does and it can be really overwhelming at times.

I'm just holding onto the hope that under all that, the mum I know is still in there and is still fighting. The mum that hollers and cheers at the footie. Who tells the worst jokes and sends ridiculous memes to everyone because she thinks they are funny. The mum who can't really cook but still tries even though we always end up getting a pizza or a curry when the smoke alarm goes off for like the 'millionth' time. The mum I wish I had spent more time with in recent years. Because now I know how much you care.

Still hear you calling out my name in the hospital, just before…

That was when I knew, how much you cared. Before, when I came after arguing with dad, you were really sick and all you cared about was that I was soaked and might get cold. I wish I'd seen it then. I keep thinking if I'd told the Doctor then maybe you wouldn't be still so sick now.

I wish I'd done a lot of things differently. I wish I hadn't listened to dad so much, or at least not just straight up believed all the bad things he was saying. Because I know now, I know how much you care and even if you don't think it you are a brilliant mum. All the stuff just got in the way and I really hope we get the chance to change things. To try again and for it to be different this time. Maybe I can even come and stay with you again if thats okay? Just weekends at first, or during the week, whatever works. I've been doing a lot of research and while you're getting better you might need some help with things and I'd be happy to do that. I know how stubborn you can be, dad says I get my stubborn streak from you. But we all need a bit of help sometimes. I would have proper struggled to get through these past couple of weeks if it weren't for Steve and then Mrs Jones at school. Talking helps, y'know. Even if it's hard. And it's been so hard. I'm okay though, or as okay as I can be. So please don't worry about me. I don't want to be too negative so I'm gonna finish by saying that I love you and I really hope you get better.

Josh

Josh carefully pulled the page from his notebook and rummaged in his desk drawer to find an envelope. He didn't want his dad finding the letter, so he placed it behind a science worksheet in the front pocket of his notebook, somewhere it would be safe until he could give it to his mum.

He rubbed his eyes and picked up his cuddly lion from the end of his bed. He hadn't needed Lenny to sleep in years but right now he needed comfort. The cuddly Lion's mane was worn and tattered, and his fur was almost bear in patches from being dragged around everywhere with him when he was still younger. Josh held Lenny close to his chest, he didn't know what was going to happen, and that kind of uncertainty was hard. But there was one thing he was certain of. He was going to spend more time with his mum. Whatever it took.

He still had that gnawing anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He worried that she would get really sick again or worse… Recent events had taught him just how quickly things could change, and just how fragile life can be.

His phone buzzed against the table. The screen flashed up with a message from Dan.

Fancy a trip to the Xmas Markets on Monday?

Josh hesitated for a moment. He wasn't really in the mood but also he was up for anything that got him out of the house and away from everything that was going on.

Come on mate, it'll be fun. Rest of the gang are coming too.

He needed some kind of normality, his world might have stopped but for everyone else, it kept moving.

Alright. But not for too long.

Dan's reply came almost instantly.

Awesome! Meet in the square at 12 :)

For anyone interested, the song josh listens to before writing the letter is 'Hold on to Memories' by DISTURBED. In my headcanon, he's a Disturbed fan (mostly because I am as well, but go check them out, they have some incredible songs with really powerful lyrics.