"I've tried to hold on as you've slowly slipped away. I'm losing the fight, I've treated you so wrong, now let me make it right." AVENGED SEVENFOLD

Another chapter, some more angst and maybe a little comfort too.

Content Warning for a panik attack.

Another day had passed and Jo was feeling slightly stronger. A glance at the calendar told her it was…20th December. It didn't take her as long to focus and process the information this time. A Sunday. Slowly she was starting to feel more present and less, well, foggy.

Her blood pressure had finally stabilised, though only just. She had spent the past few days being wheeled between scans and tests and could vaguely recall the doctor saying something about possible TBI-related epilepsy. Though everything just felt like background noise and she couldn't really concentrate on what had been going on. She wasn't sure if she cared.

For the past hour, she had been sat up in the chair by her bed, with Jay regularly coming by to let her know how well she was doing.

Jo smiled back but grumbled internally. It didn't feel like an achievement, sitting in a chair was something she would usually do without thinking. She wasn't sure how it could be considered as ' doing well.' But it was progress that meant that she got to see Kate. And that was all she cared about. She felt a little dizzy but at least she hadn't had another seizure.

All she really cared about was seeing Kate. However jumbled her brain was, she always came back to Kate and telling her how sorry she was. She didn't care about afterwards and what would happen to her.

She dozed intermittently, the ward was too bright and loud for a proper rest. As she tried to sleep, flashbacks haunted her thoughts.

She could hear the sound of screeching tyres and crumpling metal. The smell of burning rubber and smoke filled her nose. She couldn't breathe. Her heart was pounding as the panic swelled in her chest. She could feel the blood, wet and sticky, streaming down the side of her head, it filled her eyes and her mouth and she wanted to be sick.

You're going to die Joanne.

Kate's going to die.

It's all your fault.

Jo couldn't breathe. She was trapped and didn't know where she was.

You couldn't save her. You can't save yourself either.

Jo wanted to scream but no sound came out. She couldn't move, all alone and she was going to die.

You're weak, Joanne. Pathetic. Useless.

An erratic beeping pierced through the darkness. She was so scared. Trapped by panic and fear.

She was going to die…

Silly little Joanne, you thought you could get away, but I always come back.

Another voice broke through. Softer, kinder.

"Jo, can you hear me?"

She couldn't focus, everything was spinning and she was being pulled back into the darkness

"It's okay Jo, you're safe."

She couldn't breathe. Her chest felt so tight.

"Jo, I promise you're safe. You're in Hospital and you're safe."

Jo tried to reply but all that came out was a strangled cry.

"Try and take some deep breaths."

Hot salty tears rolled down her cheeks. Tears that felt so real, she wasn't sure if it was through panic, fear or confusion that she was crying.

"I know you're scared but just focus on my voice."

Jo whimpered faintly and tried to concentrate on the voice.

"You're safe Jo, it's okay. No one can hurt you here."

Kind and soft, she let it guide her out of the dark.

"That's it Jo, you're doing really well."

Jo felt her breathing slow and the crushing fear in her chest began to fade.

"Well done Jo, just keep breathing with me."

Her head felt foggy but the voice gave her simple commands she could follow and the calm tones offered reassurance.

"Can you open your eyes for me?"

Jo slowly cracked her eyes open and was met by bright light and a concerned but kind face.

The beeping slowed to a more regular rhythm and the panic faded.

"Hi Jo." A friendly face and a warm smile greeted her.

"S… s-sorry." Jo stuttered an apology. Tears stung at her eyes.

"There's no need to apologise, Jo."

Her mind felt heavy and foggy, but as the confusion slowly lifted there was one name, one face that she saw clearly.

Kate.

"K… K-Kate?"

"Do you want a moment to rest first?" Jay asked gently.

"N…n-no. G… g-go s… s- g… g-go s-see K… K-Kate."

"Are you sure Jo, it's okay if you're not ready yet. I can come back later and we can go and see Kate then."

Jo shook her head. She needed to see Kate more than ever. Kate was her only certainty among the fear and confusion.

Jay checked Jo's vital signs, "okay, we can go and see Kate" they agreed, seeing that her obs had returned to relatively stable levels.

"Right, we're going to try the transfer again." Jay gave Jo a reassuring smile. "If you start feeling unwell let me know straight away."

Jo nodded slightly, she still felt a little dizzy but it was manageable.

She had woken up a few days ago and the Doctors had finally decided she was strong enough to travel a few beds down the ward. She wasn't going to lose this opportunity over feeling a little dizzy.

Jay supported Jo to sit at the edge of the bed and then helped her across to the wheelchair. Her legs were weak and shaky and without Jay's support, Jo was sure she would have ended up in a heap on the floor. Again. It was frustrating to say the least but standing was just too risky for her at the moment, let alone walking.

She gave Jay a weak smile as a thank you for their unwavering patience.

"Okay, let's get you comfy." Jay placed a laptop over Jo's lap and adjusted her IV lines and wires so she could settle into the chair more comfortably. So far so good.

They clipped the portable oxygen tank in place and checked the clear plastic tubing to make sure there were no kinks before swapping the nasal cannula.

"Does that feel okay?"

Jo took a few shaky breaths and then nodded.

Kate's words swayed through her mind. "When you wake up, it's going to change. You'll be safe and we'll talk. We'll talk about everything and maybe we can both stop hiding. Maybe, we can both be happy."

Jay slowly pushed Jo along the ward to Kate's bay. She looked around cautiously, all the sights, sounds and smells were overwhelming and she felt so edge and disorientated, her brain was running into overdrive, thoughts roaring and senses burning.

It was all too much and she screwed her eyes shut. The chaos is her brain stilled slightly but she still felt sick and shaky and she took several deep breaths to try and steady herself. It didn't help.

"You're doing really well Jo," Jay gently reassured her.

"Th… t-thanks…"

"Do you want to stop?" Jay asked. "Or go back."

With her eyes still closed, Jo shook her head. She had made it this far, she couldn't turn back now. She owed Kate that much.

Jo slowly opened her eyes but kept her gaze steadily trained on the floor, everything else still felt far too overwhelming. It was taking all she had not to collapse into a useless lump, her muscles were weak and no longer used to holding her body in position for an extended period of time.

She needed to do this but her body was protesting even the slightest movement. She had a thumping headache and even when she sat still the dizziness wouldn't go away. The Doctor had reassured her multiple times that this was all normal, an expected part of recovery from a TBI but it didn't stop her from feeling awful. She was the weakest she had ever been, defenceless and vulnerable.

If she was truly honest, she didn't really care. The niggling thought that things would have been better for everyone if she hadn't woken up wouldn't go away. She was still convinced that she didn't matter, but Kate mattered. Kate had to know the truth.

"Okay Jo, we're here" Jay spoke softly. "I'm going to take a step back so you can have a moment alone with Kate. But I won't be far if you need me."

"T… th… th-thanks."

Jo turned and looked at the pale form lying in the hospital bed and immediately tears stung at her eyes. Kate looked so vulnerable, so broken. A deep ache settled in Jo's chest.

She angrily wiped her cheeks, this shouldn't be happening.

Kate should be alive and well, she was the one who should be in the Hospital bed or…

Yet Kate was worse off still. She wasn't even breathing on her own, dependent on tubes and machines to ensure her body was still getting the oxygen it so desperately needed. Jo's hand instinctively reached up to her neck, her throat was still sore and her voice weak and croaky from the weeks she had spent dependent on her own breathing tube and ventilator.

She knew she should be grateful for every breath she was able to take, yet how could she, when the woman she loved still needed machines to breathe for her. It wasn't fair. Why Kate?

Questions and pleas were useless. Because there was one thing that Jo knew only too well. Life is fucking cruel.

"H-hi," Jo stuttered quietly. She was still struggling to get her words out and no one could tell her if her speech difficulties were temporary or permanent. Knowing what you want to say but not being able to control how the words came out was frustrating and left Jo feeling stupid and overwhelmed every time she tried to have even a short conversation.

Jo gently took hold of Kate's hand, looping their fingers together, careful not to disturb any of the wires and tubes that snaked from Kate's arms or the cannula that was still in her own hand. Even though Kate couldn't respond, there was still something in her touch that felt electric. Jo just hoped that Kate could feel it too, that she knew she was here beside her, holding her hand.

Remember, wasn't the right word, but Jo knew Kate had come to see her, she'd felt it somehow, the touch of their hands, the comforting warmth. Feeling safe and loved.

She hoped Kate could feel it too.

"I- I d… d-don't r-really k… k-know w… w-what to s… s-say," Jo fumbled to find the words. She'd had everything mapped out so clearly in her head, but she couldn't seem to get the right words out, but for Kate, she was willing to try.

"J… j-just n-need y… y-you t-to k… know," Jo took a deep breath to try and calm her shaking nerves.

"K… k-know y-you w… w-weren't p-pr… pre-tending. L… l-love y… y-you."

Jo could feel tears forming, they rolled down her cheeks and this time she didn't bother to wipe them away.

"W… w-want y… y-you t-to k… k-know. I… l…l-love y-you."

Jo's lips quivered and further tears streamed down her cheeks. All she could think of was how it was all her fault. It was her fault that Kate had gotten hurt and that she had ended up in Hospital. It was her fault Kate had almost died.

Kate was the best thing that had ever happened to her, and she had ruined it all.

"P… p-please w-wake u… u-up."

As she held Kate's hand, their fingers still locked together, she made a silent promise. as soon as Kate woke up, and she was going to wake up because she just couldn't comprehend the alternative, she would tell her that she loved her. She'd really tell her and she wouldn't shy away from any of the difficult conversations.

Jo rested her head on the bed and began to cry quietly. She stayed there, the silence heavy with feelings laid bare.