A/N: This was gonna go in a different direction. Then, when I was falling asleep, the entire chapter filtered into my brain, and I had to follow it. It's mostly exposition, and covers a lot of things that have already been covered, but this time Cas is actually talking to someone who might be able to help him. And who better than Pastor Jim! After all, the guy didn't shoot John for dragging his kids around the country hunting for demons, he's gotta have a pretty high tolerance for stupid decisions.

Warnings: Mentions of threesome, gay sex, incest, drug and alcohol abuse, verbal and physical assault on a minor. Meaning: Cas goes to confession.

-WAFD-

"Cas!" Dean called, walking into the bedroom. He blinked and looked around, not seeing Castiel in the room. "Cas?" He tried again, confused.

"What's wrong?" Gabriel appeared in the doorway, and Dean felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"Gabe… he's not here."

"Shit."

-WAFD-

Castiel felt awful. He was walking down the road, hands shoved into his jeans pockets, trying to work out what to do next. It hadn't been difficult to slip out of the house via the back door while Gabriel and Dean were distracted, now he just had to figure out where to go.

Every time he considered going in search of something mind-altering, he remembered punching Gabriel, and had to fight the urge to vomit. He knew that Gabriel was going to forgive him – he always did – it didn't mean that he felt any less guilty about it. Damn his temper.

It felt like he'd been walking for hours, when he came to a stop at a church. He felt his shoulders shaking in sudden laughter, remembering when Michael had explained about their names.

He missed Michael.

The memory of praying together with Michael as a child encouraged him to walk up the steps and slip inside, looking around. There was an evening service in progress, and a decent sized congregation. Castiel found an empty seat at the back, hidden in a corner, and drew his knees up to his chest. The words of the priest – a female, which was a new idea to him – washed over him, soothing, talking about Moses and the exodus.

Castiel watched the young priest, and felt a sense of melancholy. She was certain in her faith, in her profession. She was better than him, even if she looked younger.

He bowed his head, resting his forehead on his knees, and closed his eyes. There was something here, something he'd missed for a long time. He was drawing a few puzzled glances, he knew, but no one was trying to interfere in his life. They were giving him space while still being present, even if they didn't realise what they were doing or why he needed people at the moment.

He didn't notice when the people around him were moving, didn't realise that the church was slowly emptying. Not until he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up into a kind face.

"You look like you could do with a nice cup of tea," the man spoke gently. "The rest of the congregation is gathered in the back hall. Would you care to join us?"

Castiel swallowed hard, then looked down, shaking his head a little. He wasn't ready to face people in a social situation, not right now.

"My name's Jim Murphy," Castiel felt it as the man sat next to him on the pew. "Most call me Pastor Jim. I've been the preacher here for thirty years."

There was a pause, but Castiel didn't feel inclined to fill the silence.

"I'm fairly sure that I haven't seen you here before. But I have seen the look before. You feel so lost that you don't know who to turn to."

A small nod, and Cas couldn't meet his eyes.

"This isn't a Catholic church, and I'm pretty sure you're not overly religious, but I am still a priest. Here to listen. I won't tell anyone if you want to talk. Maybe I can point you towards the right people to help with your problems."

"I'm not…" Castiel swallowed again, trying to regain his self-control. "I don't want to be a burden," he finished in a small voice. He really didn't want to trouble someone – a priest, especially – with how screwed up his mind was. But he was at the end of his tether, as he'd proven when he'd lashed out at Gabriel. He needed help.

"Son," Pastor Jim settled back, not touching Castiel but close, "I've got nothing better to do than to listen."

Castiel nodded, smiling a little. The preacher had an odd air about him – it was comforting, and he knew that the man was willing to listen to him, but he didn't feel as though he needed to fill the silence. It felt as though Pastor Jim would be just as happy to sit here and say nothing. So he looked up at the stained glass windows, at the angels depicted in them, and let the images and presence soothe him.

"That one's the Archangel Michael," Pastor Jim spoke softly, "and the Archangel Gabriel."

"They're my brothers," Cas whispered. The preacher glanced at him.

"In a manner of speaking, certainly. We are all brothers in the eyes of the Lord."

"No," Castiel smiled again. "My brothers are named Michael and Gabriel. I'm Castiel."

"Religious family?" Pastor Jim inquired.

"I don't really know. Gabe says that Mom just liked the sound of the names. She… she died giving birth to me." Familiar guilt welled up in him then, and he hung his head in shame.

"Castiel…" the priest seemed to be thinking. "Angel of Thursdays and temperance, right?"

"Temperance," Castiel choked out a laugh. "If only."

There was silence again for a while, as Castiel tried to get himself under control. He'd never admitted this out loud before, but somehow the fact that he was talking to a complete stranger helped. This man had no idea of his insane family life.

"I'm afraid," he admitted, voice barely audible.

"Of anything in particular?" Pastor Jim spoke just as softly, for which Castiel was grateful.

"My other brother. Lucian."

"Is there a reason he scares you?"

"He… he had my boyfriend's father killed."

There was silence again, and Castiel fought not to panic. He'd just told a priest that he was gay, and that his brother was murderer. Could the day get much worse?

"Have you told the police?"

Castiel risked a glance at Pastor Jim, and felt some of the tension leave. The older man didn't look disgusted. Instead he seemed concerned about Castiel, who shook his head.

"It was ten years ago. I was… he did it so that Dean would leave me. And he did, took his little brother and ran so that the social workers wouldn't separate them. Lucian had taken mine and Gabriel's phones away, so we didn't even know until it was too late. And he said… he said that if I tried to get away, he'd kill me too. Kept telling me how I screw everything up, it's all my fault… I made our Dad leave us, I corrupted Gabriel… I couldn't even fight back when Lucian took a swing." Castiel was breathing hard, though he wasn't crying. The tears just weren't there, even though he was shaking and wished for some sort of release. "I didn't fight him, just let him, and then I let the drugs and drinks and sex keep my mind off of what was happening at home, and then Gabriel came back to save me and I…" he felt a hand rubbing up and down his spine then, helping him to calm and start breathing normally again. He closed his eyes again, knowing the next confession would send the priest jumping back but unable to stop the flow of words.

"I seduced my brother. Used him as a replacement for the drugs."

The hand on his back paused for several seconds, and Castiel tensed in readiness for it to strike him.

"Did you force yourself on him?" Came the quiet question, and it sounded more of a mild enquiry than a harsh reprimand.

"I don't know," Castiel admitted. "He says that he lo… loves me," he choked a little on the word, "and that he'd thought of me like that before. But he wouldn't have done anything if I didn't keep begging for it. If I didn't keep touching and trying to kiss him, he wouldn't have acted on it."

The hand resumed its strokes, and Cas could have wept with relief. There was no condemnation here.

"And do you love him the same way?"

"Yes," came the answer, no hesitation. "He and Dean are everything to me."

"Dean?" Pastor Jim was mildly quizzical again. "Your boyfriend ten years ago?"

"Our boyfriend now," Cas muttered. "The three of us live together… one bed between us."

The priest said nothing again, and Castiel wondered just how high this guy's tolerance was.

"During ancient times," Pastor Jim spoke slowly, carefully choosing his words, "it was not… uncommon for a man to have two wives."

"And was it significant-pause uncommon for a man to shack up with his brother and their male lover?" Castiel couldn't help the snappish response, but immediately felt guilty about it. "Sorry."

"I haven't ready of any situations exactly like yours, no," the priest didn't seem offended. "But… is it consensual between all three of you?"

"It is now," Cas nodded. "Dean and Gabriel… when we met Dean again, a couple months back, they got in a fight. It was pretty bad, and Gabe was really hurt. They're better now though. Sometimes they're closer to each other than to me, 'cause they had to work so much harder to get where they are."

Pastor Jim said nothing, just resumed the back-rub which seemed so soothing.

"I love them both, I do. And I'm glad they love each other as well. It's just… they'd be fine without me. Gabriel's doing well, does event planning for this promotions company. Dean used to be a prostitute, when we found him again he left that behind and now he's working for a mechanic… but his old boss invested money for him, so he's pretty well off. They've both gotten past their issues, dealt with them and moved on. I can't. Every time I hear from Lucian, I remember how it used to be, just me and him and always wondering if today he was gonna follow through on a threat and kill me, and I crawl back inside a bottle to wait it out."

"You say they'd be fine without you," Pastor Jim picked out the main points seemingly with ease. "Would they have met if not for you?"

"…no," Castiel shook his head. "Dean was my friend in school. But if not for me, Dean's dad wouldn't have died like that! He and Sammy wouldn't have had to run, he wouldn't have had to become a prostitute! And Gabriel would've had a wife, or a husband, by now, someone he could actually show affection for in public."

"Maybe, maybe not," the priest interrupted before Castiel could get further wound up. "But as things are, they have each other, and from the sounds of it, they both love you." Castiel couldn't help the small flinch at that. Pastor Jim, however, noticed it. "Castiel? Don't they love you?"

"They say they do," Cas stared at his hands again. "I just don't know why. I'm such a screw-up. I just make things worse."

"Have you tried talking to them about it? Most often, that's what breaks a relationship apart. A lack of communication."

"Dean doesn't like talking about feelings," Cas stalled. "And Gabriel can't take things seriously long enough."

Pastor Jim looked at him for a few minutes, and Castiel fought the urge to squirm under the gaze of a man he'd only known for fifteen minutes.

"No, I haven't talked to them," he finally admitted. "I don't want to burden them with my insecurities."

"Perhaps you should try," Pastor Jim encouraged him. "Perhaps they wouldn't think of it as a burden."

"Maybe."

The two sat in companionable silence for a while, and Castiel realised that he did feel better for having spoken his fears aloud. He still didn't know what to do about Lucian's hold on him, but there was someone he could talk to, who apparently wasn't going to judge him for the three-way relationship he was living in.

"Come on," Pastor Jim spoke after a while, standing and drawing Castiel up with him as well. "Let's get you home. I'll give you a lift."

"Okay," Cas nodded. He knew he'd have to explain to Gabriel and Dean where he'd been all evening, but at least he could honestly say that he hadn't done anything illegal.