For the purposes of this story, Gina and Josh are still very much around.
I certainly don't own, or control, anything. A bit of bad language in this one.
Kate sits numbly in the hospital waiting room. Someone has taken her blood stained clothes and she's wearing a pair of dark blue scrubs instead. With her knees tucked up into that uncomfortable chair and the blank look in her eyes, she looks not unlike a doctor after a double shift.
Goosebumps start to erupt on her skin and she rubs her arms in an effort to keep warm. Someone drops a heavy coat on her shoulders and for a second, Kate imagines it's Rick. She thinks of all those times he's showed up in the precinct after everyone but Kate is gone to wrap his coat around her and feels an unbelievable pang of sadness. Kate takes a deep breath, reminds herself that Rick is not dead and looks up for the first time in hours.
Captain Montgomery gives her a small smile. "I need your gun, Beckett."
She nods and hands it to him without a word.
"How many shots did you fire?" Kate can hear the confusion in his voice. That gun is lighter than it should be.
"All of them."
"To take down two suspects?"
Kate nods again, offering no explanation or reasoning. Captain Montgomery gives her a worried look before retreating to the cops' corner of the waiting room, where Ryan and Esposito are crushing coffee cups in their hands, legs jittering nervously. Kate doesn't want to join them – doesn't want to see the look in their eyes, blaming her without meaning to.
For a second, Kate's eyes travel to another corner of the waiting room, but she tears them away as soon as possible to prevent tears from welling. Alexis is sitting there, scared and quiet, holding tightly to Martha's hand. Gina is there as well, hands clasped nervously together. All of them show the tell-tale signs of crying, complete with puffy red eyes and tear tracks. They've got the right to cry, Kate thinks, they're his family. His girlfriend, his daughter, and his mother. I'm just his partner.
The thought burns its way through her heart.
"Get some sleep Beckett," Lanie sighs, sitting next to her, "worrying's not gonna help him."
Beckett turns to her best friend, a lie at the tip of her tongue. I'm fine. I couldn't sleep anyway.
But what comes out instead is the truth, "It's my fault he's in there Lanie."
The ME shakes her head and surveys her best friend worriedly, "Castle knew what he was getting into. Even signed a damn waiver with the city. Working with you, it was risky, and he knew that."
"No." Kate emphasizes, suddenly needing to make her understand. "Castle didn't just get shot. He got shot protecting me, because I didn't do my fucking job properly."
"Kate…"
"They weren't dead Lanie." In a pained whisper, Kate spills her story, "I thought they were, and I let Castle hug me, and the one who survived picked up his gun… Rick saw, I didn't..."
Her voice caught in her throat, so Lanie finished for her, "… and he took the bullet."
Kate drew her bottom lip between her teeth and gave a wavering nod. "So you see, it was my fault."
"Blaming yourself ain't gonna do any good." Lanie says wisely.
"Someone's gotta be blamed," Kate protests quietly, "… and it might as well be me."
"Why?"
She runs a frustrated hand through her hair, "Because maybe then it won't be crazy to be feeling the way I am."
Lanie puts a calming hand on her friend's arm, "Sweetie, what exactly are you feeling?"
She has to think before answering, because what she's been feeling since she set foot in this hospital is just so foreign and so unnerving that it's hard to put into words even for herself. It's a strange mixture of the expected fear, guilt, and nerves, and that alone would've been enough for one person. But it's a much more terrifying feeling that's dominating Kate. It's something like sorrow and emptiness, as though something very important has been ripped away. She feels so alone.
By the time Kate is finished articulating all of this to Lanie, her friend has a knowing smile on her face. "Kate." Lanie traps Kate's hands with her own and gives her a meaningful look. "You girl, are in love with Richard Castle."
Kate's mind reels with shock, then disbelief, then worry. Unable to find words, she just shakes her head.
"You can't tell me you haven't thought of it before." Lanie presses.
A long moment later, Kate replies reluctantly, "I guess I have, just once, before the summer, but…" Her eyes travel toward Gina and then dip back down to the floor.
"That's not the only thing…" Lanie says quietly.
Kate understands in a flash, and for the first time in hours, she isn't thinking about Rick on the operating table. Here is something she can do. Something she has to do. She turns to Lanie and asks hurriedly, "How long until the surgery's done?"
Taken aback, Lanie answers, "At least three more hours… Why?"
Kate is up on her feet before Lanie's finished asking her question. The Captain's jacket falls to the floor with a heavy swoosh as she makes a beeline for the sliding doors out of the surgical wing.
Kate chews on her lip nervously, pacing on his floor, her footsteps making an ominous echoing sound in his empty apartment. This was crazy. She sat down on his couch and tried to talk herself out of what she was about to do.
Josh is good. Josh is a doctor, and he shares her 'save people' mentality. Josh would never hurt her. Sure, he's a little too cocky – not in the endearing way Rick is - kisses a little too hard, and he holds her hand in a way that drives her crazy – protective bordering on the possessive – but she can learn to love him. If there wasn't Rick. Rick with his playful smile. Rick who would never kiss her too hard or hold her any way she doesn't like. If there wasn't Rick, in time, Kate truly believed she would learn to love Josh.
But there is Rick. And that really is the end of any decision to make.
"What are you doing here?"
She's been so caught up in her thoughts, she didn't even notice Josh unlock the door and walk into the apartment. "Hey Josh."
A wide grin spreads across his face as he tosses his keys aside and sinks down onto the couch beside her. He takes a second to look her up and down, taking in the hospital issue dark scrubs. "Wow, Katie, you look like me."
She feels a flash of annoyance at the nickname, but decides to let it go. It'll all be over in a few minutes.
When she doesn't speak, Josh frowns, "What happened?"
His worried question is a stark reminder of why she's here, and why Rick isn't. Tears threaten to fall. Kate answers around the burning in her eyes, "Rick got shot today."
"Rick?" Her boyfriend asks.
Oh right. Josh and Rick have only met once, and for most of that encounter, Rick had been glaring daggers at the heart surgeon rather than introducing himself. She hastens to explain, "Richard Castle, the novelist. He's been shadowing me at work…"
Realization dawns on Josh's handsome features. Features that Kate had once convinced herself she couldn't get enough of, after a certain writer skipped town. The thought brings an unexpected pang of sadness.
"Oh, writer boy." He says.
The sadness is gone and replaced once again with annoyance. "Man" she corrects, "Writer man."
"Okay," Josh agrees. He reaches out and hugs her, no more questions asked. "I'm so sorry baby."
She lets him hug her for a brief moment, but then she draws back to keep from getting too comfortable. She hopes he can't hear her voice shaking. "It kind of got me thinking. What are we doing here, Josh?"
He frowns. "What are you talking about?"
"I mean. I like you, Josh. I do, but…"
He puts a finger over her lips, stopping the words before they can slip out. "Shh, you're not thinking straight, you just need sleep." He attempts to get up and lead her to the bedroom, but when he sees the determined glint in her eyes, he knows it's futile.
Instead, Josh tries a different tactic. "We're dating, Kate. And I don't know about you, but it's been the greatest months of my life, being with you. I really really like you; spending time with you, taking care of you…"
His words break her heart. Here was a great man, who had everything going for him, who said all the right things. Who just wasn't Rick.
"I really like you too." She answers honestly, "... but just, not enough."
His voice drops to a whisper, "What are you saying?"
It takes her a moment to answer, and this time she's sure he can hear the tremor in her voice. "We're good together, Josh. But... I think we both know that we don't have a forever thing."
Kate thinks he finally understands what she's been getting at when his eyes darken to obsidian. "And you think, that you and Castle, have a forever thing?"
That's the whole question isn't it? Kate rakes a hand through her hair and finally answers, "I don't know. Maybe."
"How long?" He demands, hiding pain behind a gruff façade.
"I don't know." She says again, "Maybe since before we met. Maybe since his first book."
He lets out a short breath and looks away from her, "you should've told me."
"Josh. I am so so sorry." And she means it. She's never been so sorry to break someone's heart, ever. "I'd ask if we can stay friends but I've always hated that phrase so… it's up to you."
Kate watches the anger in his face slowly change to sadness, then acceptance. When he looks at her, she thinks she can sense the emotion behind his eyes. Gently, ever so gently, he slides his hands up her face and kisses her. He's never kissed her so softly before and it lacks the passion it usually has. Kate understands. Goodbye kiss.
"Take care of yourself, Kate." He gives her one final look before disappearing back into his bedroom.
She takes a moment to compose herself, for her racing heart to calm the heck down, before letting herself out of his apartment silently. There's somewhere else she has to be. When the door snaps shut behind her with a quiet click, it resounds as finality in her head. She knows she'll never be back.
There doesn't seem to be much interest in this story... so I'd really appreciate a review or pm to let me know if you guys are reading this... plus, you know, reviews = love.
I'd always wanted to write a scene where Kate finally breaks up with Josh. There are several versions in my head, ranging from 'angry blow up' to tears and whatnot. I'd love your opinions on how this one panned out.