It was a few days after Regionals. New Directions had won and they were off to Nationals, which should've put Kurt in the best mood. Only... he wasn't. Kurt and Dave had still been talking to each other ever since what had happened before the PFLAG meeting... though, their conversations were now awkward and quiet, no matter how hard either of them tried to act like everything was fine and normal.
Things weren't fine. They weren't normal. Kurt was spending so much of his time second-guessing himself. One minute, he'd be thinking about Blaine and how happy he was with him. The next, he'd be thinking about Dave and how much he had realized that he actually cared about him. It was all a mess, and Kurt had no idea of what he was supposed to do.
Kurt, like so many times before, had gone into the auditorium after school to spend a little bit of time by himself. He sat at the piano that was on the stage, resting his left elbow against the frame just before the piano keys. He was slouching over slightly, holding his head up with his hand for support. Kurt stared down towards the piano keys with a blank expression, where he was continuously using his right index finger to press down on one of them every few seconds.
He was miserable. And confused. And...
Dave walked up the stage stairs, where he noticed that Kurt made no indication of looking up. He stopped a few feet from the piano, wondering if Kurt even knew that he was there.
Kurt could sense that someone was standing there, yet he had no desire, whatsoever, to glance up to see who it was. He didn't care. He just wanted to be by himself.
"Hi," Dave said softly.
Kurt immediately stopped his finger from pressing down on the same piano key again, as soon as he heard Dave's voice. He honestly wished that it would've been anyone other than Dave at that moment. "Hey," he replied unenthusiastically, though he never brought his head up to look back at him.
Dave stared at Kurt for a few moments, glancing over him as he was sitting down on the piano bench. He didn't know what to say. He didn't even know if Kurt wanted him to say anything about that day... Dave turned his body so that he was facing towards all of the empty seats in the auditorium. He took a deep breath, looking all around from the left to the right, as a small smile formed. "I have to say... I can definitely see why you love being on stage now."
He had gone through both Sectionals and Regionals with New Directions, where they had won both and were now moving on to Nationals. Even though Dave had often talked about how much he thought glee club sucked in the past, he loved it now. Being up on a stage with the people that were, now, his friends was always an exciting moment for him.
Dave glanced back over to look at Kurt, who was still just staring down towards the piano keys without saying anything. He walked a few steps closer to the edge of the piano, where a puzzled expression came to his face. "Kurt?"
"What?" Kurt honestly had been blocking everything out. He didn't know what Dave had said, or how long he had actually been talking.
"I said I can see why you love being on stage," Dave repeated himself.
Kurt nodded briefly, "Oh," before glancing back down at the piano keys.
Dave slid both of his hands into the pockets of his jeans, where his expression slowly turned sad, as he looked down at the stage floor for a few moments. He still didn't know what to say. He knew that they had both been trying to act normal around each other. They were trying to act as if nothing had really happened in the classroom that day before the PFLAG meeting, but... it was different between them now.
Even though Dave was pretty sure that he knew exactly what was bothering Kurt, he still didn't want to bring it up, in case he was somehow incorrect. "Is something wrong?" he shrugged slightly.
"Nope," Kurt responded immediately, though he still didn't look up at Dave.
Dave huffed in amusement, attempting to lighten the mood somehow. "You're a horrible liar, you know that?" he said with a smile.
Slowly, Kurt finally raised his head up to gaze at Dave, though his expression was tense and irritated. "Dave... what do you want?"
Dave, with his hands still deep in his pockets, looked back down towards the stage floor for a moment. "Come on... I'm trying here," he said sincerely.
Kurt raised both of his hands up to his sides, shrugging dramatically. "Okay?" he rolled his eyes.
"What do you want me to say?" Dave asked. He knew that he had raised his voice, but he just hated the fact that it was like this between him and Kurt now.
"Um..." Kurt looked around the auditorium, motioning with his hands, as if he had no idea as to what Dave was talking about. "I don't actually recall me saying that I was looking for you to say anything."
Dave scoffed, rolling his own eyes. "So... what? You're mad at me?" he asked, with a shake of his head.
Kurt glanced down towards his hands, laughing lightly, though he was obviously still completely annoyed. "You know what?" he asked, standing up from the piano bench and looking back at Dave. "I don't want to do this with you right now. So can you please just leave me alone?"
Dave glanced over Kurt's face a few times, taking his hands out of his pockets. "Yeah," he nodded. "Fine." He started walking back towards the stage stairs, stopping right before he hit the first step.
Kurt watched Dave stand there for a few moments. "What?" he finally asked, crossing his arms over his stomach.
Dave turned back around slightly to see Kurt, pausing before he slowly started to shake his head briefly. "Nothing. I just..." he glanced down towards the stage floor. "I don't get it," he shrugged.
"Get what?" Kurt shrugged back, while his arms were still crossed.
"Why does it have to be like this?" Dave huffed, with another shake of his head. "I mean... fine. We both made a mistake. But we stopped it, right?" He was waiting for some sort of acknowledgement from Kurt that never came.
"Why do we have to let it mess things up?" Dave finished.
Kurt knew exactly what Dave was talking about, only he had been spending most of his time lately attempting to forget about how they had almost kissed. That was the plan anyways, right? He shrugged once more, trying to act as if he was confused. "Um, I d-don't... really know what you're talking about," he stammered.
"Kurt," Dave said seriously.
"Dave," Kurt mocked him.
Dave huffed once more, shaking his head in disappointment. "Thanks," he nodded, turning back around towards the stage stairs.
Even though Kurt knew it'd be better for Dave to leave before he said or did anything else that he would probably regret, he just couldn't stop himself from continuing to speak.
"Right," Kurt raised his voice. "Well, I don't exactly remember saying that there was something wrong or that I was mad at you," he continued. "Maybe I just didn't feel like talking today. Did that ever cross your mind?"
Dave turned back around towards Kurt and laughed, his eyes narrowing, as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "That would've been fine for you to say to me awhile ago, but the fact that you've been acting like this towards me since all that happened..." he shook his head, pausing for a moment. "What you just said makes no sense at all."
Kurt glanced back down towards the stage floor, unable to look back at Dave. He shifted his weight back and forth between his feet, completely unsure as to what he could possibly say. He didn't want to fight with Dave. He didn't want to deal with any of this. He just wished they could go back to how it was before the whole incident in the classroom before the PFLAG meeting.
"Please just talk to me," Dave pleaded.
"I really don't have anything to say," Kurt finally looked back up, where his eyes were wide. "I mean," he shrugged. "We said that we'd just forget about it, right?"
Dave began to nod slowly. "Yeah, we did... but it seems like you're having a problem doing that."
Kurt scoffed, rolling his eyes once again. "Yeah, well... it's hard to forget about someone who tries to kiss you when they know that you're with someone else."
It was a low blow, Kurt knew that. It also wasn't very accurate, seeing as he was just as guilty for what had happened. He had leaned in to kiss Dave, too. There was no reason for him to put all of the blame on Dave, yet he was so angry at this point that he couldn't stop himself. The only problem was that he knew that he was angry with himself more than anything... and that he was just taking it all out on Dave.
Dave smiled, though it was obvious that he was completely irritated. He brought his right hand up and rubbed the back of his neck, sliding his left hand back into one of the pockets of his jeans. "Right... because you definitely weren't going in to kiss me back, were you?"
Kurt's gaze immediately turned into a glare, as he uncrossed his arms over his stomach and began walking towards the chair on the other side of the stage that his bag was sitting on. "And thanks for making me feel worse," he stated.
Dave followed him over to the chair. "You know what? I'm sorry," he nodded, "but... do you actually feel like you didn't deserve for me to say that to you?"
Kurt turned back around, putting the strap of his bag over his shoulder.
"You're standing there throwing it all back in my face, and acting like I was the only one who did anything wrong," Dave finished.
Kurt crossed his arms over his stomach again, rolling his eyes once more. "Have you ever actually stopped to think about some of the things that you've said to me over the past year?" he shrugged. "I mean... what? Was that just your idea of trying to be nice to me?"
Dave's tense expression softened quickly, as he brought his free hand up and slid it into the other pocket of his jeans.
Kurt knew that he was making Dave uncomfortable. While he wanted to stop talking and just leave, he couldn't stop himself from speaking once again.
"You know that I'm with Blaine," Kurt continued. "You really think that all of what you were saying and doing was okay?"
Dave stared back at him, before he slowly looked down towards his feet.
Kurt could hear that Dave had begun breathing harder. He waited a few moments for him to say something or to just walk away.
After a short period of silence, Dave finally glanced back up, looking over Kurt's face a few times before he started to shake his head. "No," he whispered. "I don't."
Dave shrugged. "Fine, you're right," he nodded. "I messed up... a lot. Just like I always have." He shifted his weight between his feet, glancing back down towards the stage floor momentarily. "I told myself so many times that you were my friend... and that you were only ever gonna be my friend," he shook his head once more. "But I still screwed up."
Dave continued staring at Kurt silently for another few moments, where his eyebrows furrowed as he became even more upset than before. "Is that what you wanted me to say?" he shrugged again. He was still breathing hard, as he lowered his head slightly. "I have feelings for you... and I'm sorry," he shook his head. "But I can't lie to you about that."
"Hell," Dave huffed, looking away momentarily. "I can't lie to you about anything."
Kurt's expression softened as he looked back at Dave. He didn't know what to say. All he knew was that he was still scared... and confused... just like before.
"You really never noticed before?" Dave continued, his gaze never leaving Kurt's face. "You never noticed how I'd get whenever you were around me?"
Dave waited a few moments for a response from Kurt, though Kurt just stood still, staring back at him, as if he had no idea of what to say. Dave glanced back down towards his feet, nodding briefly, before looking back up. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, taking a pause before speaking again. "I'm sorry for everything that I said to you and did for you over the past year that," he huffed, "maybe I shouldn't have done."
Looking right into Kurt's eyes, Dave's face got tense again, as he slowly started to shake his head. "But I don't get how you can stand there and act like you haven't been doing the same thing to me."
Kurt knew that he had feelings for Dave, but the idea of Dave knowing that is exactly what scared him. With his arms still crossed over his stomach, he could feel his face turning red. He didn't want to deal with this right now. He didn't even know how to deal with it all.
"You can go now," Kurt stated, though his voice was so strained. He swallowed hard, never looking away from Dave.
Dave gazed back at Kurt with the same tense expression, taking quite a few moments before he even blinked. After another few seconds of silence, he slowly began to shake his head. "No," he said firmly.
Kurt glanced over Dave's face a few times, becoming even more upset than he was before. He couldn't handle this right now. He didn't want to... He tried to slow his breaths, though he knew that there was nothing he could do at that moment. He just wanted to run away from Dave and cry, honestly. Bringing his right hand up to his right shoulder in order to grasp the strap of his bag, Kurt quickly began walking towards the stage stairs to leave.
As soon as Kurt had passed him, Dave knew that he wanted to stop him somehow. "You're scared," he stated, right before Kurt had made it to the first step.
Kurt was even more upset now, where he turned back around sharply and took a few steps back over to where Dave was standing. "Really?" he asked in irritation. "Why would I be?"
Dave replied quietly, even though the expression on his face was just as tense as before. "Because you have feelings for me, too."
Kurt just stared back at Dave, taking in what he had just heard. Dave was right. Dave knew. For some reason, Kurt thought that, just maybe, he hadn't been that obvious over the time that they had been around each other. But Dave knew.
As his expression softened, Kurt closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. He brought his hand up to his shoulder, grabbing the strap of his bag and letting it fall to the floor. He turned away from Dave and walked back over towards the piano bench, plopping down backwards so that he could lean his back against the piano.
Dave slowly made his way over, sitting down next to Kurt, where he leaned forward to stare down at his feet. He waited a few moments before he glanced over to look at Kurt. His voice was much more calm and soft compared to before. "You do, right?" he asked, as he raised one of his eyebrows. "Because... I'm just gonna feel pretty stupid if you don't."
Kurt turned his head to look over to Dave, huffing in amusement as a smirk came to his face. He began shaking his head, laughing lightly. "Even in the middle of an argument, you can still get me to laugh."
Kurt glanced back down towards the floor, not wanting to be able to look at Dave. He thought that if he did, he'd just end up telling him exactly how he felt... and he couldn't do that... not right now. He still loved Blaine. And he honestly didn't know what he wanted to do.
Dave stared straight ahead towards the other side of the auditorium stage. He had admitted so much to Kurt... so much that he never thought he'd ever get the chance to say before they both graduated. But even now that he said it... Dave just felt worse. He knew that Blaine made Kurt happy, and no matter how he felt about Blaine... he knew that he didn't have a right to mess with any of that.
"I'm sorry, Kurt," Dave finally said, shaking his head. "I know that you're with Blaine... and I've been trying to respect that, but," he turned back towards Kurt, where Kurt immediately looked over to him.
Dave was trying to hold back from saying it, but... he just couldn't anymore. "I wanna be with you."
Kurt glanced over Dave's face for a moment, his mouth opening slightly. He still had no idea of what he could possibly say. He was still so confused. On the one hand, he was with Blaine, who did make him happy and Kurt didn't want to lose him. On the other hand, he knew that he wanted...
"David-" Kurt started.
"No, I know," Dave interrupted him. "Just... let me finish."
Dave stood up from the piano bench, walking a few steps before turning around to face Kurt. He slid his hands back into his pockets, as he shifted his weight back and forth between his feet nervously. He took a deep breath, swallowing hard before bringing his attention back to Kurt.
"I know that, uh," Dave cleared his throat, "I don't deserve you." He had a small smile on his face, though it just seemed sad. He shrugged, glancing away momentarily. "After everything that I did to you... I know that we could probably only ever be friends," he nodded. "Blaine makes you happy... and I want you to be happy."
Dave paused for a few moments, thinking about everything else that he wanted to say. "I know that I probably wouldn't-" he stopped mid-sentence, unable to finish his thought. "Well... it doesn't really matter. I just don't want to ruin anything for you, so..."
Kurt's eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, though he also had a sad expression on his face. "But you're not ruining anything..." he replied softly.
"Kurt," Dave stated seriously, though the small smile returned. Dave glanced back down towards the floor, turning his body towards the empty chairs in the auditorium. He looked out towards one of them, keeping his gaze on it as he began to speak again.
"It just hurts sometimes..." Dave huffed. He shook his head, where his expression became even sadder. "It hurts being around you." He turned his head to look back at Kurt, who was still sitting silently on the piano bench.
Dave walked back towards Kurt, clearing his throat again. "I guess, you know... since I screwed up so much last year... I'd never really have a shot, huh?" he said with another sad smile.
Kurt glanced over Dave's face a few times, still unsure as to what he could possibly say. After a few moments of silence, he slowly began to shake his head. "I don't know," he whispered.
Dave knew exactly what Kurt had meant by that. Their past was messy; there was no doubt about that. Dave wasn't even completely out to everyone and Kurt was still with Blaine. Maybe I'm not even ready to be with somebody, Dave thought.
It wasn't fair to Kurt to bring all of this onto him.
Dave nodded, attempting to smile sincerely to show that he understood. "I guess nobody would really approve anyways," he shrugged, raising one of his hands to rub the back of his neck. He was mainly thinking about how Burt would react after everything that had happened... and it wasn't a good reaction.
"What do you want to do?" Kurt asked.
Kurt hadn't taken the time to think about what he had wanted to say before he asked that question. He just knew that he was still so confused. Did he still want to be with Blaine? Did he want to take a chance with Dave, even with their past and how people would probably react? He just didn't know...
Kurt immediately realized that he was probably asking Dave what he wanted to do, in hopes that maybe Dave would say that he wanted to wait for him to figure things out.
Unfortunately, Dave had already made up his mind that it would probably be better if he didn't really spend as much time with Kurt. Dave took a few moments, where he swallowed once and slid his hands back into his pockets. "Do you think that, uh... maybe we should just stop talking to each other? I mean..." he shrugged, "we only have a little bit of school left, so..."
Dave knew that it was a dumb idea, but he meant everything that he had already said to Kurt. It hurt to be around him. And he didn't want to ruin things between him and Blaine if he was truly happy.
Kurt deserved to be happy... and Dave knew that he'd do whatever it took to make sure that he was.
Kurt shook his head instantly. "No, that's... We don't need to do that," he replied.
"Okay," Dave nodded. "So... what were you thinking?" he shrugged again.
Kurt knew that there were a few different things that he could say... He could just tell Dave that he needed a little bit of time to think about everything in order to figure it all out. But... he was so afraid that he'd get Dave's hopes up, only to end up hurting him in case he decided that he couldn't give Dave a chance...
Everything was a mess, and Kurt was just as confused as before. And yet, he knew that he was taking the easy way out...
"Maybe we should, um... just try to avoid being alone together, I guess," he shrugged. "Then we wouldn't really have to," he stopped mid-sentence, pausing for a moment. "You know?" he asked. It's just a little over two months until we graduate... I can deal with it, Kurt tried to tell himself. "I mean, I'm still going to be there if you need anything..." he nodded.
Dave glanced over Kurt's face for a moment, his eyes growing even more sad and serious than before. Slowly, he began to nod. "Okay," he whispered. He looked back down towards the floor, taking both of his hands out of his pockets as he cleared his throat once again. "I guess I should get going," he attempted to smile.
Kurt stood up from the piano bench as Dave made his way to the stage steps. Once Dave stepped off of the last step and touched the floor, Kurt instantly felt like he didn't want him to go. "David."
Dave stopped and turned around to look up at Kurt, who had walked over to the top step of the stage stairs. He could see that Kurt was tearing up a little bit, though he knew that he couldn't ask him why.
All Dave knew was that he felt as if his heart was breaking right in front of Kurt... and yet, he felt as if he had done it to himself.
Kurt stood at the top of the steps silently for another few moments, looking right down at Dave. He slowly began to shake his briefly, continuously telling himself in his head that he wouldn't let himself cry. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
Dave didn't know what to say. He just nodded slightly.
Kurt swallowed, hoping that his voice wouldn't be cracking as he spoke. "No matter what anybody else says... I'm always going to be really proud of you," he nodded. "With everything that you've done this year..." Kurt began, as he smiled. His expression then grew more serious, where he began to shake his head. "Don't ever let anybody tell you that you aren't brave... because you are."
Dave just continued to stare up at Kurt, still unable to say anything back.
"You're a great guy... and you deserve to be happy, just like everybody else," Kurt nodded. "And one day, you're gonna be with the guy that you're meant to be with... and you're gonna be happy."
Dave could feel his eyes tearing up and his throat tightening, but he kept on staring up at Kurt without looking away.
"Don't ever regret anything," Kurt continued, referring to everything that had happened between them, as he shook his head. "You have no reason to," he whispered.
Dave finally felt a tear fall from one of his eyes, as he slowly began to nod towards Kurt. He glanced down towards the floor of the auditorium, licking his upper lip, before looking back up. He gazed over Kurt's face for a few moments silently, thinking of so many things that he still wanted to say.
Kurt saw Dave's mouth open slightly, like he was about to say something.
After another few moments, Dave said the one thing, that he had finally admitted to himself, out loud. "I'm so in love with you..."
Dave smiled sadly at Kurt one last time, as he turned back around and headed out of the auditorium without saying anything else.
Kurt watched Dave until he disappeared from view, a tear falling from one of his own eyes.