This is the final chapter.
A special thanks to Half a Recess, Dark Dragon Dreamer and Nurdgurl for their undying support in this rather despondent and desolate fic.
I do not own YuyuHakusho.
This final chapter contains the song that inspired the entire thing. In which case, I do not own Placebo, or the song Meds.
TM29
"I was alone, falling free,
Trying my best not to forget
What happened to us, what happened to me
What happened as I let it slip,"
Kuwabara did not know how he stood up. He felt that every cell in his body was devoid of energy, and now completely stripped of hope as well. It was strange; with everything lost he was empowered. His legs shook with the effort, but somehow they managed to support him and would until he his perfidy ended their life source.
Suddenly the world became more real. He heard all things of the night more clearly. He could feel the dried dirt clinging to the creases of his jeans as his perfunctory pats tried to dust them off. He cherished every sound and the crisp air blowing against his chilled skin. Did it hurt to die? What did it feel like?
I was confused by the powers that be,
forgetting names and faces,
Passers by, were looking at me,
as if they could erase it.
When he felt comfortable that he had collected himself, he turned his gaze to Hiei who had been watching him solicitously. To his surprise a smile came easily to his lips.
Baby...did you forget to take your meds?
Baby...did you forget to take your meds?
"Hiei, I have to go for a while," It was finally at this point that Hiei lost his temper.
"Don't be so laconic it doesn't suit you," he said viciously. Kuwabara's grin spread.
"Ok, I won't be laconic. Hiei, you're worried about me- that's why you're so angry. You don't know what's going on or what to do, and it's not often you're at such a loss."
Hiei was about to speak, but Kuwabara silenced him with a weary wave of his hand.
"I dunno know what to do either. But, honestly… I think this is the most flattering way you could have expressed your feelings for me," A slight blush crept across Hiei's cheeks.
"All the things I've been doing for you have been so out of character," Hiei chuckled mirthlessly, "It's funny that snapping at you and being back in character is what you'd see as a display of affection."
Kuwabara smiled faded slightly, "I like to hear you laugh."
Hiei changed to topic quickly, "You said, 'Leaving for a while,' you meant leaving permanently."
Kuwabara's smile faded completely, as he tried to look anywhere but Hiei's face.
"Yeah, when I leave today it's gonna be forever,"
"Today?" Hiei's arms dropped to his sides in surprise. Kuwabara gaze caught Hiei's uncertain one dead on.
"Yes. Today."
I was alone, staring over the ledge,
Trying my best not to forget,
all manner of joy, all manner of glee,
and our one heroic pledge.
"YOU'RE A FOOL!" Hiei exploded, simultaneously, Kuwabara's head erupted with pain. He cried out in pain. His pupils dilated he fell to his knees.
Kuwabara felt Hiei's anger subside and turn into concern. The palpable concern ran through every vein in is body and choked each artery.
"No!" He gasped; he wouldn't allow his last day to be adulterated. With every ounce of strength he had left he pulled in his psychic reign again. He withdrew his reign faster and faster, as Hiei's stifling concern diminished.
He lay prostrate on the ground, having no recollection of falling in the first place. He felt Hiei's arms interlace him in order to help him roll over and to sit up. He felt Hiei pull him up against him, it was nice to be the one supported.
"Hiei I can't live like this anymore, this isn't even living," Hiei sat silently trying to digest his words. With great effort Kuwabara moved his position so that he could look at Hiei.
"I didn't want to lay this burden on you, and more importantly I didn't want to hurt you-"
"Stop equivocating and spit it out," Hiei interrupted, "If you've forgotten we're working with limited time- my feelings are not on the list of priorities."
"But they are!" He said indignantly. Hiei smirked,
"Flattering. Now shut up and tell me what's been going on." Kuwabara's mouth was slightly agape in surprise, but the surprise turned to seriousness as the grim situation return to his forethoughts.
"My inherited psychic abilities are driving me- have driven me insane. I can't control them any longer. I don't know if it's terminal, but I refuse to … have my pride striped as some perverted idea of my former self flaunts around in my skin."
"You've been… you've been…" Kuwabara had never heard Hiei stutter before. He looked crestfallen… almost…devastated. What Kuwabara had been trying to hide from him finally became evident.
"You never… the night in the bathtub when you asked me how long we'd been … together… you honestly had no idea, did you?" Kuwabara blushed furiously, and said in a low whisper.
"Before the bathtub,… that was my first time with a man…"
"But we had been- oh…"He stopped short and suddenly looked embarrassed with himself. After an awkward pause he finished weakly, "you… handled the situation well, I had no idea."
"I didn't want you or Urameshi to know what's been going on. I thought I could stop it; find some kind of cure," a brief nuance of determination crossed Hiei's sullen features.
"Can't we find help? Genkai? Shizuru?" Kuwabara felt like a dam that was ready to overflow. He had already felt Hiei's internal turmoil, causing more was killing him. At the mention of Shizuru a tear slid down his cheek.
"Shizuru has been dead for over a year now. I would know the exact date, but like my mother her suicide came after her disappearance. I suppose they wanted to die abruptly and with dignity. Remembered the way they were, and with their bodies never found." Hiei looked completely taken aback at the news of Shizuru's death. He had never imagined…
"I used to whine to Shizuru when I was little saying it wasn't fair. She'd say, 'life isn't fair,'…" Kuwabara smiled faintly in reminiscence, "then I'd say, 'why can't it be unfair in my favor?'"
Hiei's expression darkened. He sat with his legs folded and his arms resting on his thighs. He opened his mouth twice to speak, and finally asked,
"Do you remember when you told me you loved me?" Before anything could be misinterpreted Kuwabara grabbed Hiei's wrist. Hiei still refused to look at him; all the same he needed him to stay for just a little longer.
"No, I don't," He felt Hiei's hand begin to tug away and finished quickly and sincerely, "But I know that I meant it. I know that I do."
"If these weren't my last moments with you, I'd leave."
"I understand and I appreciate every second. I myself, my ... REAL self has come to love you, if it means anything." Kuwabara turned Hiei's face toward him gingerly. "There is no living person that I would rather be here with."
That was honest. Kuwabara needed Hiei's pragmatism and loyalty. He knew his personality would deter others from suspicion and investigation. Yes, thank God for Hiei.
Hiei understood that part of Kuwabara's relief came from the fact that he could hold himself together. He recalled the episode at that dark tournament in which Kazuma had faked his own death. The detective had completely fallen apart. He became irrational and uncontrollable like a tidal wave. If he had been the one here, in Hiei's place, he knew he would do everything in his power to stop Kazuma. Hiei grappled with perturbing ambivalence. He loved that it was he that Kazuma wanted to be here, but knew it wasn't due to pure affection.
"What do you need me to do?"
"Nothing, that's the beauty of it. Don't tell nobody nothin'," He said stretching his arms behind his head, his expression turning into quiet acceptance, "The only person it will be hard to deny will be Urameshi, when he finally realizes I've been missing and will rage like a bull. Let's hope Koemna will tell him, that way the messenger is immortal."
He looked pointedly at Hiei, "You know it would destroy him if he knew that you were with me in my final moments, and not him. You can never tell him about this."
"I'm not that cold."
How it mattered to us, how it mattered to me,
and the consequences.
I was confused, by the birds and the bees,
forgetting if I meant it.
Kuwabara stood up for the last time. His vision tunneled briefly. He was so tired. The exigency he had felt earlier had dissipated.
"Thanks for being here for with me. I would have had to do this regardless, but- "Hiei just nodded. Kuwabara turned away from Hiei.
"I want to keep you here. I want to tackle you to the ground and make you stay. I want to rip off your clothes and convince you to love me."
"I do love you."
"Don't leave."
"You know I have to, and I know you'll let me." Kuwabara began walking away. Each step felt lighter. He almost felt high from the lack of sleep and the adrenaline wearing off. The grass spread beneath his feet as he walked out of the park and under the shiny black night sky. He let his feet lead him to his mother and sister.
Hiei never moved from the spot where he watched Kazuma walked away. For hours he was afraid that if he moved he'd be after Kazuma in a heartbeat, telling him to stop this nonsense. There was a cure, there had to be.
Dawn broke, forcing the last shadow to leave the bower. People rose to the new morning, greeting the day, unaware that the world was now devoid of Kazuma Kuwabara.
Baby..did you forget to take your meds?
Baby..did you forget to take your meds?
Baby..did you forget to take your meds?
Baby..did you forget to take your meds?
And the sex and the drugs, and the complications.
And the sex and the drugs, and the complications.
And the sex and the drugs, and the complications.
And the sex and the drugs, and the complications.
.