We didn't see each other private for a while after that.
An Order meeting here, a dinner with Sirius and Alastor there… no chance to discuss what had happened…
Time went by and we still hadn't made progress, hadn't had a chance to talk.
The summer came and we rushed to the Ministry to save Harry and his friends. That day my best friend died, of course the thought hurt, but I was too worried about you, to think about it.
You'd been hit pretty badly and Dumbledore had you transferred to St. Mungos.
I came to see you twice. The first time you were asleep. I decided not to wake you. I simply sat next to you, holding your hand for several hours. Seeing you laying there in the Hospital, your hair a mousey brown, was horrible for me. I didn't want to see you hurt or endangered ever again.
But with the latest full moon came my transformation and along came all the reasons I shouldn't be with you, back into my head. I meant danger.
The second time I came to visit, you were sitting in your bed, turquoise streaks in your black hair, reading the Prophet.
I wanted to tell you how worried I was… How I couldn't sleep and even wanted to stay at your bed over night, if the Healers hadn't pushed me out the door…
You looked happy to see me. I felt awful knowing I was about to inflict even more pain on you. Apparently you could see my inner turmoil.
You asked, what was wrong.
I told you we couldn't be together.
You asked why.
I told you about my lycanthropy.
You said you didn't care about the risk.
I told you I was too poor.
You said you were an Auror and made enough money for both of us.
I told you I was too old.
You said age was just a state of mind.
You said you, young as you might be, were old enough to choose for yourself who you wanted to be with.
You said you had chosen me.
You can't imagine, what those words meant to me. Desire and doubt were racing in my mind. Believe me, my feelings were strong and true, but my latest transformation was fresh and sharp in my mind, reminding me that I had to stay away from you. I had to protect you, keep you safe, even if it meant sacrificing my only chance for happiness.
I told you, maybe a little brutally, that I didn't want to be with you. I'd never told a bigger lie before. I could see that you didn't believe me. There was a fire blazing behind your eyes, strong with love.
I went on, forcing the untrue words to leave my lips. I told you, that I had lost interest. I said I'd moved on. I lied straight into your beautiful face for several minutes, each lie hurting you, making me feel horrible about myself. I could see the fire in your eyes dying; doubt was growing in your face, you hair was slowly turning brown, the turquoise was disappearing.
You believed me. It hurt me to imagine, that you still questioned my feelings, let me convince you, but I didn't matter. All that mattered was your safety.
When I fell silent you were glaring at me. Doubt and hurt mingling on your face, I hated myself for doing this to you. 'You're lying', you accused me in a whisper. You were trembling with suppressed emotions, crushing the paper in your fists, but your voice was steady. 'You're lying to me and to yourself!' you had said quietly. But I could see that you were just trying to reassure yourself, still hoping, that I was making a bad joke. But I wasn't. I never encountered a moment less funny than this one.
I simply said 'Take care' and left. I could feel your eyes on my back but did not turn, not wanting you to see the tears in mine.
Hope you liked this chapter it's probably my personal favorite.
Please review and help me improve!