Time seemed to move slower from that moment on. I had little contact with anyone that autumn. I was mainly underground, working with werewolves on Dumbledore's orders, spying, living like an animal. During that time I met him again. Greyback. Long ago I felt sorry for him, knowing the feeling of losing control, knowing the pain coming with the transformation. When I learned about his view on the world I felt nothing more than disgust thinking about him. Now, knowing that this is his fault, knowing he was the one keeping me from you, it took all I had to not jump at him. But I had to stay low, not raise attention.
Full moons came and went and I was miserable, trying to avoid thinking about you. It hurt too much.
Christmas was the first time I really met anyone again that year.
The Weasleys had invited me, and we were having lunch together, when Fleur suddenly mentioned you. Again I felt that piercing pain at the sound of your name.
Molly told me you were spending Christmas alone, she was downright glaring at me. If she tried to make me feel bad, she managed. I loathed myself, knowing that you were miserable because of me. And then Harry made me feel even worse by telling me, that your Patronus had changed form. I knew this happened only under special circumstances, such as shocks… or emotional traumas… I hated myself.
Before I could leave Molly had cornered me. I couldn't tell, whether she wanted to hug or strangle me. She looked both understanding and completely outraged.
She told me, she could comprehend my reasons, but not my actions. She told me everything you had told her, every tiny detail about your depression, every single visit of yours, every tear that had fallen from your eyes onto her kitchen table.
I couldn't take it anymore. I left the Burrow in a hurry, not saying good bye to anyone, just wanting to escape the guilt.
New Years Eve came and I missed you.
I returned to the Underground and I missed you.
The other Werewolves hated the world and I hated myself.
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