A/N: I'm going to state the obvious. I have been MIA for the past month or so. Usually I would offer a bunch of excuses here, but instead I will offer a promise that next chapter will not take a month to happen. Hopefully this was worth the wait.
The Morning After: Part III
Owen Hunt was a proud man. He honorably served his country. He was a damn good surgeon. He shouldn't have to awkwardly proposition Meredith Grey to give him information on his wayward wife. It was demeaning. It went everything he believed in, everything that he thought his and Cristina's relationship had been. That was what it had come down too, though. Sometimes, life was unbelievably cruel.
"Cristina's staying with you." He knew he was fishing, hoping for some insight into how his wife was doing but didn't expect Meredith to budge. Meredith nodded and said, "Yeah, she is."
"How's she doing?"
"Considering that her husband kicked her out, she's doing fine."
The comment was pointed and he would have responded in like had he not heard the gossip surrounding her and Derek. The latter had been spending later hours at the hospital and he noticed the dance of avoidance between the two. He was doing the same thing with his wife.
He decided to change the subject. Perhaps later Meredith would be more willing to divulge Cristina tidbits later in the day. On second thought, she probably wouldn't. Meredith Grey was not the divulging kind.
"How's Zola?" he tried.
Noting the dark circles beneath her eyes he imagined that life was not easy with the new addition, but Meredith surprised him by offering the first genuine smile he had gotten since he had known her practically, and she said, "She is great. She's really great."
He found himself feeling the all too familiar pull of disappointment. He had hoped Cristina would be like this with their child. He thought of them making plans together. Making room. Now she was doing that on her own. Perhaps Meredith could be a good influence on her, though. He had grown accustomed to placing Meredith firmly on the side of someone he had to just accept would be in Cristina's life, with her self-masochist leanings and all. Things had shifted, it seemed.
"I heard you're going with her," Meredith said after a moment. She avoided eye contact but he listened attentively. "It's good of you to be there for her."
"You do know I'm going to do everything in my power to talk her out of it," he warned."
"I know. And she will fight like hell."
He snorted humorlessly and nodded his head. "Yes, she will."
A beat of silence and she said, "Give me the next patient's names and I will get the labs."
He understood the quick change of subject. She had given as much as she would. Knowing it futile to push her further, he looked down and told her the patient's name. He watched her move down the corridor and disappear around the corner. He noticed someone else watching Grey depart with a tight frown. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. He probably hadn't.
Owen thought to himself that he probably didn't look any better. Derek Sheperd turned away and the moment ended. Owen shook his head, trying to clear the clutter in his mind for just a breath, and then turned toward the patient's room.
He didn't want to say goodbye to her. Even more, he didn't want to admit that he wanted to. Even though Lucy had stolen his job and whatever hope for future career satisfaction there was, Alex still could remember the smell of her shampoo and the way her nose would scrunch when she laughed. He remembered the shape of her lips and the smooth sheen of her skin.
And he wanted to say goodbye.
But he was too late. He asked for her in the OBGYN wing and a nurse looked up at him with a pitying look and said, "Didn't you hear? She left already."
"Oh, well-"
"It was sudden," the nurse said in a coddling tone. Alex bit his cheek, thinking that the hospital knew too much about his business.
"Whatever." His beeper went off on his waist and he looked down, Arizona's number flashing. He turned around without another word to the nurse and took the short walk to Dr. Robbins. She was going over a chart and glanced at him over the top as she said, "I have a surgery for you, Dr. Karev." She noticed the hard set of his jaw and asked, "Everything okay?"
"Everything is fine," he said immediately. He didn't care about Lucy. He didn't care that she left without saying goodbye. He would just add her to the list of people he pushed away and alienated. The list was growing rapidly lately.
But he didn't care; because if he did it would hurt like hell.
Derek probably had a number of cases that he should be working on. He had a clinical trial, that despite Meredith's damndest efforts to undermine, was still up and running. He had many things that he could be doing; instead, he chose to hide away in the daycare center. Zola sat across from him, knocking over a pile of blocks with relish.
His daughter.
He couldn't say it aloud, not when so much was wrong with the statement. It should be a happy thing. He should tell everyone within ear distance. Call his mother. His sister. Instead he was afraid to say it aloud, convinced that the moment he did someone would take her away.
Meredith had told him the news after the Chief's meeting. He had avoided her before, a childish notion that if he didn't see her they could ignore their problems driving his actions, but she cornered him after the meeting. He expected some harsh words. Admonishments. Instead she simply told him that Zola's adoption had gone through and then walked away. He had to think for a moment if she even wanted him to come back.
But of course she did. And he wanted to go back. He wanted to go back when things were simple and their life wasn't a webbed lie. There was no going back, though. Only forward.
His daughter reached one pudgy hand toward him and he clasped it lightly with his own, smiling toward her. If there was any sign that they would get past this, it was her. He bent down and kissed the top of her head, breathing in the powdery scent of her skin.
"We love you," he whispered against her cheek. "No matter what happens, we love you."
His beeper went off on the waist of his pants and he grudgingly looked down. Only five minutes of peace and they had found him. 911 blinked on the screen and he stood up, nodding to the nurse running the daycare as he walked out. It was back to work, now.
Arizona Robbins was getting on Alex's nerves. They were in a routine surgery and while he assisted she worked across from him, humming a jaunty tune just below her breath. He noticed that she sutured in time and that is when it was just too much for him. It was like they were in a freaking musical or something. He expected her to break out in song any moment and then he would gladly impale himself with her scalpel.
"Could you knock it off?" he sighed, fully aware that he was probably overstepping the bounds of attending and resident. Part of him expected Arizona to throw him out or completely ignore him. Instead she looked up at him steadily and said, "You are emanating some serious negative vibes. And I don't like it."
"You're humming," Alex explained sourly. "I can't focus."
"My OR is a place of positivity," she continued with a trademark Arizona-Robbins-grin. So bright that it could cure cancer. Or make him hurl. "Be positive. Your life will be a lot better, trust me."
"My Africa job was stolen. And then Mer kicked me out." Alex muttered. "My life is shit."
"Language," she said quickly, nodding her head down to the knocked out kid. He shook his head and said, "It's not like he can hear."
"You shouldn't swear around him, anyway. And the job was not meant to be."
"Meant to be?" Alex repeated snidely. "You believe in that shit?" She gave him a sharp look and he rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Robbins."
"I'm going to have to make a swearing jar for you," she said. "A quarter every time. And yes, I do believe in things being meant to be. There is a better opportunity out there for you. Just wait and see."
"I don't believe any of that."
"I know," she said brightly. "Which will make it even better when that opportunity appears. And I claim the right to gloat."
Alex snorted. Her unflagging positivity may be a lot to swallow at times, but sometimes it actually did help him not feel completely like shit. "Fine, you can gloat."
She grinned. "Yes, I can. Alright, you want to finish this up?"
Karev nodded and began to suture the wound. As he worked, Arizona watching from across the table, he thought that even as his life spiraled out of control we would always have this. He would have his patients. His steady hands. He could work with that.
Kepner was getting a big head. At least that's what Cristina thought as she watched the petite brunette flit around the OR, throwing her clout around with jabbed instructions and firm nods. While her and Kepner had moderately bonded in the past few weeks, she still felt a flare of irritation when she saw her. She knew it really had nothing to do with her getting the position. Owen had told her she was not in the running and she had accepted that. Her efforts were better utilized in becoming a damn good surgeon.
What really bothered her was the direction Kepner's life had taken. She knew Kepner didn't think herself truly in the running. Even with Owen determining their fate, everyone pretty much assumed it would be one of the original residents. She had, too. Unexpectedly, Owen pulled from out of the expected pool and Kepner's life was thrown forward in the most delightful way. Meanwhile Cristina found herself in a downward spiral. An unwanted pregnancy and a splintered marriage, Cristina didn't know how it could possibly get more difficult.
The answer came with an exhausted looking Meredith and a request to take Zola home with her. "What? What about you?" Cristina asked hurriedly, the thought of spending time alone with Zola making her palms itch.
"I'm going to be staying a bit later" Meredith said. "The Chief wants to go through some things with me. I promise you'll be alone with her for an hour, two tops."
"Fine," Cristina sighed. She was heading out anyway and told Meredith that she would swing by the daycare center on her way out. Meredith thanked her profusely and then turned on her heel. She thought of how she was going off to her husband and felt a stab of jealousy.
She never thought she would miss him this much. The first night she wrote off as her routine being thrown. She was accustomed to him being beside her at night, after all. The night seemed strange and cold without his soft breathing, the steady feel of his body beside her, his hand resting on her hip. She just had to get used to it.
It turned out that she missed more than the night. As she moved through her Owen-less days she found herself silently lamenting the absence of other things. Most of them were little moments that she had taken for granted. Company in the car. Sharing a paper. Casual conversations. Her and Meredith were not the best company for each other, both dwelling on the messes their individual lives had become. For the first time in a while, Cristina felt alone.
People looked at her strangely when she walked into the daycare. She wasn't one of the doctors who would go in to check on the kids or chat pleasantly with the nurse. "I'm taking Zola home," she told the nurse stiffly.
"Yes, Dr. Grey stopped in to tell us," she answered. "If you need any help-"
"I'm fine," Cristina said shortly, perturbed that she looked so unable to handle children. She could take her to the car without killing the thing. The nurse simply nodded, averting her eyes while Cristina hoisted the diaper bag on her shoulder and then picked up Zola.
On her way out, Cristina noticed that Meredith hadn't zipped the bag shut and she swore silently when an empty bottle toppled from the bag onto the floor. She was about to attempt an awkward crouch to retrieve the bottle when someone else bent forward quickly and picked up the bottle. She recognized the hand and felt such a surge of yearning that she almost felt indecent holding Zola.
"Hand me the bag," Owen said. She noticed that he didn't phrase it as a question. Usually she would bristle at this, but she handed over the bag without contest. They walked out to her car in silence. Her eyes were tearing up of their own accord and she couldn't stop one lone tear from dripping down her cheek.
She just missed him so damn much. She missed walking with him to their car. She missed his steady presence. Right now, she missed his conversation because the silence was making her want to scream.
"Shit," Cristina said suddenly, realizing a very large snag in Meredith's plan to have Cristina take Zola home. She also realized that she shouldn't swear in front of Zola and mumbled a half-hearted apology while Owen asked what was wrong. "Meredith drove," she explained. "I don't have a car."
"I'll take you then," he said simply.
Being in a car with him again was making her mind go in crazy loops and she stammered, "You don't have to."
"How else do you expect to get home?" She smiled a bit at the humor.
"I need to get the keys from Mer first," she said. "Get the car seat."
"Do what you need. Why don't you give me Zola for now. I'll be at the car. It's parked where it always is."
She handed Zola over, mouth pressed into a firm line. The last remark was like a vestige of their strained marriage and she felt her throat constrict as she turned away. Her eyes filled with tears almost instantly What was wrong with her today? She was a weepy mess; and Cristina Yang is never a weepy mess.
She found Meredith quickly and she said, "I didn't even think of that. I guess you can take the car and I-"
"Don't worry about that. I just need the car seat."
Being her person, Meredith understood the subtext easily and didn't press her any further. She handed over her keys and said, "Just bring them back."
Cristina made quick work of getting the car seat and then returning the keys. Part of it was that she was naturally efficient. Another was who was waiting for her. He didn't quite smile when she returned, but she did notice his features soften. "You need help getting that in?"
She shook her head, opening the back seat and easily strapping the car seat in. She turned back for Zola, but Owen told her, "Get in the car. I'll put her in."
Cristina went around the car and opened the door, sliding in. Owen easily strapped Zola into the car seat and then he was beside her, pulling out of the parking spot. She glanced over at him. He usually laid one hand on the center console as they drove home, her fingers interlaced with his. Now both hands were firmly on the wheel. She turned her eyes away and directed her attention out the window.
Being a short drive, it wasn't long before he was pulled up onto the driveway. He pulled the keys out of the ignition and spoke to a space just to the right of her head as he said, "I'll help you in."
She nodded blankly.
They went into the house together, Owen depositing Zola into a little playpen that Meredith had found in the attic. It had been hers as a child and Cristina had seen the conflicted look on her friend's face as she had watched Zola play in there. She knew she was thinking of her own strained childhood and no doubt hoping Zola's would be different.
"Thanks for your help," she said, turning toward Owen. "It was, uh, nice of you."
"No problem."
She knew this was probably when he should leave, but she found herself asking, "Do you want anything? Something to drink, maybe?"
"I should head back."
She nodded automatically. "Right, of course."
"Unless you want me to stay," he said after a moment. She looked to the side, irritated with both of them. Of course she wanted him to stay. And of course he wanted to stay. Both were just too stubborn to ask.
"I'm fine," she said predictably.
"Okay, well, I'll see you at work, then."
I'll see you at work. It was what someone would say to their coworker, not their wife. Was this really what they had become? What they had devolved to?
"Yeah, see you then."
He left, but not before murmuring one last sentence that made her breath halt. "Take care now."
A/N: I found this incredibly hard to write. I ended up doing it in pieces and then attempting to weave it all together. Hopefully it wasn't too choppy.