"Rimmer, man, how're ya feeling?"

Rimmer tried to lift up his head. His head and neck still hurt. "Still sore."

"Look, I got us some scran, feel up to eating?" Lister said, setting down some vending machine containers. "It's fish and chips. Mushy peas for you, extra spicy curry sauce for me."

"Thanks, Lister," Rimmer said. He sat up and pulled on his dressing gown, then joined Lister at the table.

Frankenstein meowed loudly as Lister opened his container, the smell of fish irresistible. Lister chuckled, and chopped off a generous piece of battered fish and held it out to her. She immediately left her kittens to come over and grab it.

"You spoil that cat," Rimmer said.

"I'm not spoiling her," Lister said, shoving three chips into his mouth. "Sharing food is one of the oldest known ways of showing love."

"It is? That's a very profound statement coming from you."

"Yeah, well, I read it on the back of a bar mat once."

Lister wondered if he imagined the tinge of pink on Rimmer's cheeks. He hadn't meant it to be a significant statement or anything, it just came into his head and he said it. Although now that he thought about it, it was very apt. Rimmer bringing him that curry a while ago had meant a lot. And just because things hadn't worked out between them, that didn't necessarily mean that they couldn't still love each other in their own ways.

Lister noticed that Rimmer had saved a piece of his fish to give to Frankenstein. Rimmer thought he was being sneaky about slipping it to her, and Lister didn't let on that he saw.

"Look, I'm sorry, Rimmer," Lister said after they had both finished eating.

"Why?"

"I shoulda been there. I shouldn't've left you to move stuff on your own."

"It wasn't your fault, Lister."

"But it was. I've been kinda selfish lately, and I just wanted to say sorry."

"All right."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"Apology accepted?"

"Is that it?"

"What more do you want?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of you having something to say to me."

"Like what?"

Lister took a breath, trying not to lose his patience. "Like, an apology of your own, maybe?"

Rimmer frowned. "An apology for what?"

"Really, Rimmer? Really? Do you really not know?"

"Did I… say something out of order when I was hopped up on painkillers?"

"Are you deliberately playing stupid?"

"No, I'm not!" Rimmer said. Then something occurred to him. "Oh, is this about me not telling you I was in sickbay? I genuinely didn't think you'd want to know."

"You did worry me, man. But no, that's not what I'm talking about."

Rimmer raised his eyebrows. "What, then? Care to enlighten me?"

"I'm not even sure I should tell you if you don't know," Lister said, picking up his empty food container and throwing it in the bin pointedly.

"Fine. Don't tell me then."

Lister turned his back and seethed for a few seconds. He turned around slowly, trying to stop himself from blowing up. "Rimmer, do you not think it might be a tiny bit hurtful to tell someone who said they love you that they're nuts?"

"Eh?"

"That's what you did to me. Just imagine - you'll have to imagine 'cause I'm sure you've never loved anyone - there's someone you're crazy about and you finally got the guts to tell 'em how you feel, and they just laugh at you and tell you you're off yer trolley."

Rimmer was silent for a moment while he thought about what Lister said. "I didn't laugh."

"You might as well have done. Acting like I'm not even worth taking seriously. How would that make you feel, eh?"

Rimmer floundered for words. "That's not what I meant," he said.

"Then what did you mean?"

Rimmer swallowed. It all made sense in his head, but trying to put it into words was difficult. "Well, you can't really love me," he said. "It stands to reason."

"Why not?"

Rimmer blinked. He was being as clear as he could, how else could he explain?

"Do you think you're too good for me or something?" Lister said before Rimmer could speak.

"What? No. I didn't say that."

"I just, I just don't think you understand what you're saying. Me?"

"Was it because you had a hard childhood? Nobody ever loved you, is that it?"

"I never told you that!"

Lister's face fell. "I- I'm sorry, man. I know you said some things, but I didn't know that."

"It's fine. You're just confused," Rimmer said coldly.

"I don't think I'm the one who's confused here. You are."

"Well I wasn't confused. But I have to admit some of the things you're saying are a bit hard to get my head around."

Lister shook his head. "All right, maybe you don't get the way I feel. But don't you understand it hurts when you tell me my feelings aren't real, and that you don't believe I'm depressed?"

Rimmer opened his mouth, then shut it again. "Perhaps I said some things that I shouldn't have."

"Yeah, perhaps you did."

Rimmer reached up to touch his head. It was really throbbing again. "I'm going to lie down."

"Maybe think about what I've said, yeah?"

Lister sat down on the floor with the cats with his back towards Rimmer. Maybe he had been too harsh on him. Maybe this wasn't the best time what with Rimmer still recovering from a head injury. Lister felt like he'd hit a nerve when he suggested no-one ever loved Rimmer. That was… sad. Maybe it didn't quite excuse Rimmer's behaviour, but it may well explain it.

He tried to focus on playing with the kittens and fussing over them. A stupid, optimistic part of him still told him that things could still be fixed. They could keep the cats, and be together. Somehow. He still hadn't let go of that ridiculous hope. He was still mad at Rimmer, and that only made things worse. Rimmer wasn't even trying, if anything he was just persisting in pushing him away. Rimmer hadn't successfully made a single friend even in his fourteen years of being here. Why did Lister think that things would be different for him? But even so, it didn't stop him from wanting to be with Rimmer.

After a few days, Rimmer returned to work. Lister decided to wait for Rimmer to bring up the conversation again. If he pushed his luck too soon, they'd just wind up having an argument again. He was still waiting when Holly's pixelated face appeared on the TV in their room.

"Captain Hollister's got an announcement to make. Want me to put it on, Dave?" Holly asked jovially.

"Yeah, sure," Lister said, not getting up out of his bunk. It never failed to amaze him how they made Holly sound like he was talking to him directly.

"Thanks to the tireless searching by Officer Todhunter, and this man, we have finally apprehended the invaders who showed up on our scans of the ship," the Captain said. He continued talking, but Lister was too distracted to listen, because this man turned out to be Rimmer, who was grinning smugly.

Lister shot a glance at the cats. They were all still here and safe. He breathed a sigh of relief.

Someone played Taps on a kazoo as a box was ceremoniously placed in an airlock. The airlock opened, and the box lid came off. A handful of spiders flew out.

"This is a time for celebration, and promotion is in order," Captain Hollister said, clapping Todhunter on the shoulder. Rimmer looked hopeful but the Captain ignored him. "The ship is safe again!"

The small crowd who had accumulated to watch cheered.

A slow smile spread over Lister's face. "Rimmer, yer a smegging genius!" he said, jumping down from his bunk. He scooped up Frankenstein and spun her around. "Frankie, we're all saved!"

Lister danced around the room with the cat until Rimmer returned. "Rimmer you genius!" he said, handing Frankenstein to him.

Rimmer held the cat in his arms and stroked her head. He looked nervous. "It was nothing. It'll just keep the heat off us for a while."

Lister shook his head. "Why didn't I think of this?" he said. "Rimmer, why didn't you tell me?"

"I know how you hate spiders, Lister," Rimmer said, placing Frankenstein down on the floor. His eyes were darting around and he shifted his weight from one leg to the other.

Lister let the silence drag out between them.

"Lister, I erm, got you something," Rimmer said, taking a small box from his pocket.

To stop himself from laughing, Lister coughed. It couldn't be. Rimmer wouldn't. It occurred to Lister that he might have fallen asleep and this was a dream. That was more likely than this happening in reality.

But the box felt solid and real in his hand. Strange that Rimmer handed it to him instead of opening it himself. He hadn't even got down on one knee.

"Come on, open it," Rimmer said impatiently.

Lister realised he was just smiling at the box. His heart was busy playing a jungle beat in his chest.

He opened the box.

And shook his head in disbelief.

"Rimmer, what's this?"

"They're cufflinks, Lister. I thought even you would know that."

"I know what they are. But why? Have you ever seen me wear one o' them fancy shirts?"

"Well, no but-"

"What do you expect me to do with em then, eh? Get me ears pierced and wear 'em through the holes?"

"Well there's no need to be like that." Rimmer said then added in a small voice. "They were very expensive, you know."

"Well that's as maybe, but…" Lister shook his head, and snapped the box shut. "Take 'em back, Rimmer."

Rimmer looked crestfallen as Lister pushed the box back into his hands. "Why?"

"Look, isn't not that I don't appreciate the gesture, but, what yer really showin' me is that you don't know me at all."

Rimmer quietly slipped the box back into his pocket. He had pictured this moment going very differently. But no, now there was another humiliating memory to add to the heap.

"But the thing with the spiders was good. Now the cats can stay and we don't have to worry about Todhunter or anyone looking for them."

Rimmer bit the inside of his lip. He wanted to tell Lister that no, the cats still had to go. He wanted to mention how he had booked them both on the upcoming shore leave on Europa. But he just couldn't bring himself to disappoint Lister further. So he just nodded and said, "For now."

Lister nodded his head and looked away. Rimmer watched him pet the kittens absently.

"Well, if you really don't want these, I guess I'd better take them back," Rimmer said, fidgeting with the box in his pocket. He had really wanted Lister to like that gift. Gifts were supposed to solve problems.

"Hey Rimmer, what was this about? Why did you buy them me anyway?"

Rimmer turned back around. "It was supposed to be a peace offering. I wanted to apologise properly."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? You know why I'm apologising."

"Yeah, but I wanna hear it from you."

Rimmer took a deep breath. "I said some things that upset you. I wish I could take them back."

Lister stared at Rimmer. He looked wretched. But Lister couldn't let himself get caught up in the moment and let Rimmer off so easily. "What things?" he asked.

"I shouldn't have made light of your depression. But how was I to know you were being serious?"

Lister rolled his eyes. It was just like Rimmer to apologise then immediately counter it in the same breath. He decided not to point that out.

"And I shouldn't have said you were… losing it."

Lister just sat and looked at Rimmer, stopping himself from reacting. He wanted to see if Rimmer had anything more to say.

"I was… scared," Rimmer said. He shook his head. "I'm being ridiculous."

"No Rimmer, tell me," Lister murmured. He patted the floor next to him.

Rimmer hesitated for a moment, then sat down and pulled his knees up to his chest. "I was scared that you might not be telling the truth," he said slowly, then quickly added, "I was scared that you were telling the truth." His heart was pounding. He hadn't meant it to come out quite like that.

"You mean when I said I loved you?"

Not looking up, Rimmer gave a slight nod.

Lister looked down and chewed on a fingernail. "So, let me get this straight. You were scared that I didn't love you. Or you were scared that I did love you? Which is it?"

Rimmer had that wide-eyed deer trapped in headlights look. "Both?"

Lister snorted. Gears were starting to turn in his brain, but not enough for him to put anything into words yet. Attila came over to him so he picked her up and snuggled her.

"Is this what it's like all the time? Smegging hell, I've got off lightly by avoiding courtship if this is what it's like."

"What, you mean wondering if the other person really loves you?" Lister said, trying to focus on the purring kitten in his arms and not the fact that despite his efforts this conversation was getting his hopes up again.

"Yes! How does anyone cope with that? God, it's a wonder the whole human race didn't go extinct aeons ago."

"Well, you normally figure it out eventually. Until then, you gotta chill out and trust that they do, or they will eventually," Lister said, watching Rimmer's face carefully for any hints of how he was feeling, but all he could see was thinly veiled fear. He was desperate to reach out and lay a hand on Rimmer's arm, just reach out and touch him.

"Lister?"

"Yeah?"

Rimmer dropped his gaze. "It was easier when we were pretending. It felt safer."

"Yeah," Lister said, "it did."

Rimmer hadn't been expecting Lister to agree with him. His heart was pounding and he was still wondering if this conversation had been a bad idea.

"When we were pretending, I didn't have to worry about how you felt. Well, not as much, you know. And I didn't have to worry how I felt either," Lister said. "Is that how it was for you?"

"I suppose so. Yes."

"So what scares you more? That I love you? Or that I don't?"

"I don't know."

"How do you feel about me?" Lister asked, fearing he was being too bold even as the words left his mouth.

"I don't know!" Rimmer cried.

Lister ran his fingers through the purring kitten's fur. He tilted his head and gave Rimmer a sidelong glance and a little smile. "If you could, would you like, want another chance?"

Rimmer closed his eyes. If he said no, would Lister forgive him? Could they ever be friends again? If he said yes, could they pick up from where they had left off? Or would the whole thing scare him so much he wouldn't be able to go through with it? And would there always be bitterness and resentment between them? And would Lister realise the mistake he had made once the novelty wore off?

He got up. "I need to go back to the shop before it closes."

As Rimmer walked down the corridor to the lift, he tried to erase Lister's expression from his mind. He looked kinda hurt, kinda disappointed.

Could he trust that Lister loved him? Could he go on denying it when Lister talked so candidly about his feelings?

Rimmer realised as the lift dinged that he should have said yes.

As terrifying as that was, he really really wanted another chance.

But it was too late now. He just kept on hurting Lister. He didn't intend to, but nonetheless it kept on happening.

He'd blown it. Again.