TDAD Book 3: Life, And All That Implies

by TheSojournReader

The trouble with living is that there are no guarantees. What matters most is who you have by your side as you go through life and the choices you make as you try to handle everything life throws at you. Rachel learns this the hard way…..This is the third book in my "To Dream a Dream" series.

29. Highs and Lows

Chapter 29: Highs and Lows

A hand resting on her forehead brings her back to the edge of consciousness. She takes in a deep breath and the hand brushes hair back off her face. Rachel blinks open her eyes and finds her mother smiling down at her.

"Good morning, sweetheart. How are you feeling?"

"Still pretty tired." She admits.

"I heard you've already been told the good news." Her mom's eyes are lighter than they've been in weeks.

Rachel's smile grows. "Yeah, Hunter told me last night. How much did my numbers go up?"

Her mom's smile dims just a little. "Not a lot, hun. I'm sorry. It's baby steps, but it's progress. Up is up."

"Am I still stage three?"

"Yes, but just at the cusp. It's possible that only one or two more treatments will push you back into stage two."

"That's definitely good news to wake up to. When can I leave?"

"Soon. Scott's picking up your discharge papers and then they'll bring a wheelchair. He also brought you clean clothes to change into." She lifts a bag and places it on the bed. Her mom shuts the door so Rachel can get dressed in privacy.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel leans on her mom to walk into the house. Yero is jumping up and down excitedly when he sees her. She laughs and kneels down. Yero puts his front paws on her shoulders and licks her face. Rachel wraps her arms around her pup and hugs him.

"Good boy. Yero my hero."

She gives him plenty of scratches and loving pats. His tail wags on hyperdrive, making her giggle. She lays on top of him, resting her head on his fluffy side. Yero lays there calmly with his tongue hanging out and tail still wagging. Seeing that he doesn't mind her using him as a pillow, she snuggles in closer and closes her eyes with a smile.

"Hon, if you need a nap it'd be better to do it in your bed or at the very least on the couch."

"Comfy here."

There's a deep sigh, then "Fine."

A blanket is laid over girl and dog. Warm, cozy, and feeling very loved, Rachel indulges in a nap.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She wakes up slowly and stretches languidly. Yero is still under her. He didn't move the whole time she was sleeping. She sits up and gives him belly rubs. Yero sits up as well, his tail thumping the floor with every happy wag. She feels better than before, which is great since today she—Rachel jumps up off the floor and looks around for the clock wildly, her heart racing. Arms wrap around her, pulling her into a hug.

"Relax. Take a breath. You've got time."

"I didn't miss it?"

"No, you didn't miss it. Let's sit so you can relax."

Scott leads her over to the couch. The sudden drop in adrenaline has her head spinning. Or maybe it's because she jumped up too fast. Scott pats her arm.

"You have three hours before your audition. Kurt is panicking, too. Your mom is on the phone with him right now, trying to calm him down."

Rachel sees her phone on the coffee table and picks it up. She sees a bunch of missed messages and calls, mostly from Kurt. She feels bad that she wasn't there for her brother when he needed help calming down. Hearing her mom talking from her office, Rachel decides she'll steal the phone from her and talk to her brother. She pushes herself off the couch and the room spins. Scott grabs her.

"Slowly. Your numbers going up doesn't erase the fact that you just lost a bunch of blood and had two transfusions."

"But—they said I can go to my audition still."

"If you feel up to it. And if you take it easy. Where were you headed?"

"I was going to steal the phone from Mom and talk to Kurt."

Scott flashes her a grin. "Allow me." He gently pushes her back down onto the couch and spins on his heel. Once he's out of sight she hears her mother's sentence suddenly cut off with a yelp.

"What? Scott, what are you doing?" Her mother's incredulous tone makes her smile. Rachel giggles while imagining Scott walking in and plucking the phone from her mom's hand with no explanation.

Scott returns and hands her the phone. She can hear Kurt asking what's going on. "Hi, Kurt."

"Rachel! How are you feeling?"

"Better! I'm guessing Mom told you."

"About your nosebleed? Yeah. Are you feeling up to auditioning?"

"I am. You really thought a little blood loss would stop me? Are you ready? Wait, no, I mean I know you're ready. You sound fantastic. But do you feel ready?"

"I think so."

"No. You need to know so. You are Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, the fashion savvy diva with excellent range and vibrato. You have a unique and fabulous voice and the drive to do something with it. That spot at NYADA is yours, so go take it."

"Well," she can hear him swallow "with that endorsement, I can't do anything but succeed."

"Damn straight."

"I really love you, Tink."

"I love you, too. I'll be there later today."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Relief fills him when he sees Rachel walking down the hall, even if she's wearing a medical mask. She's still susceptible to germs, so a mask in a school is a good idea for now. A smile stretches across his face, only fading when he notices how pale she is. Kurt pushes his concerns away and hugs his sister tight.

"It's been too long." He mumbles into her hair.

She squeezes him back. "It's been less than a week."

"Okay, it's been too long since you've been at school and I could see you regularly."

Her twinkling eyes tell him she's smiling under the mask. "It's been too long."

"Rachel," Aunt Shelby says with a hint of warning.

Rachel sighs. "I'm going." She looks up at him. "I promised to limit how long I spend in high population areas like hallways. Even if they're currently empty."

"Then lets get you to the choir room so we can warm up."

They chat happily while walking, with Aunt Shelby and Scott trailing behind them and Yero trotting beside Rachel. In the choir room, the Gleeks use the opportunity to hug Rachel and wish both of them good luck. Mr. Schue and Coach Sue happily greet Rachel, then pull Aunt Shelby into conversation. Kurt smirks when Rachel uses her mother's distraction to pull down her mask and quickly kiss Finn. Yero makes his own rounds, getting scratches and pets from everyone. Aunt Shelby helps them run scales and warm up. Kurt is giddy. He's extremely nervous, but excited as well. He's ready. He can do this. He and Rachel will wow the judges and get into NYADA.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He can't not say something. He has to speak up. For Rachel. Something needs to go well for her. And if he can help that along, he's happy to do his part. William Schuester watches Carmen Tibideaux flip through the papers in front of her. She's sitting at the desk in the center of the auditorium. Her colleague, Ms. July, is sitting beside her looking at her phone. Bracing himself, he stands and walks up to them.

"Excuse me, Madam Tibideaux." The regal woman lifts her gaze to his. The blonde looks over with a disdainful glance. Will swallows hard and reminds himself that he's not the one being judged today. Thank God. "I just…..it may not be my place to say this to you, but the one student who will be auditioning for you today was just released from the hospital this morning. She's insisting she feels up to auditioning, but if she ends up—"

"I'm going to stop you right there." Will's mouth snaps shut. "Neither student nor any parent have reached out to request that this be rescheduled. Should it prove necessary, they can discuss that with me."

"Right. Okay. Thank you."

Uncertain he actually helped, Will hurries away from the intimidating women. He tries not to be embarrassed when he realizes he's willing to tackle a guy with a gun but not talk to scary women.

Sue would never let him live it down if she knew.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby cups her daughter's chin and looks her in the eye. She can see the hint of fear behind the excitement. She's glad that excitement is still the prominent emotion.

"Are you up for this?" She asks softly.

Rachel's smile is confident. "I am."

"You can stop at any time. You don't have to sing the whole song."

"I know, Mom." Rachel throws her arms around her and squeezes tight.

"Okay. Break a leg, baby girl."

Shelby is a bundle of nerves walking to her seat in the auditorium. The kids are prepared. They're both fantastic singers. But if Kurt's nerves get the better of him, he could potentially mess up, choke, or not do his best. And Rachel…..so much could go wrong with Rachel's audition. It's also possible she could get too nervous and choke, but it's more likely that something could go wrong with her health. She could get an attack; any kind of attack. She could get dizzy, faint, get a sudden migraine, become short of breath, or become too tired. She could get another nosebleed. She could suddenly vomit. And none of it would be her fault. They can't prevent any of it. Shelby glances at the two women sitting at the center desk. Hopefully they'll be understanding if something happens. Madam Tibideaux checks her watch, then leans towards the microphone.

"Kurt Hummel."

Shelby flashes a grin at Burt, who leans forward in anticipation. Kurt comes out on stage brimming with excitement and nerves. He'd wanted to do something upbeat like "Not the Boy Next Door" and while he's fantastic at it, Shelby convinced him to go with something that shows that he can put emotion into his singing.

"Hello! My name is Kurt Hummel and I'll be audition for the role of NYADA student." Burt lets out a very quiet snort. "I'll be singing 'Being Alive' from the show Company."

In the audience, the Glee kids chuckle. All of them are smiling and looking just as excited as Kurt. Shelby finds it adorable.

"Go ahead, Mr. Hummel."

Kurt gives a sharp nod and glances off stage. Something, or someone, he sees calms him. He gives a softer nod and smiles. Kurt takes a deep, calming breath as the music starts.

"Someone to hold you too close,
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair,
To ruin your sleep,

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short,
To put you through hell,"

Shelby listens, but she also watches the two judges; Madam Tibideaux and Ms. July. The blonde woman is staring at Kurt intently. The dark skinned woman alternates between watching Kurt and writing notes, but mostly listens. Shelby sends up a quiet prayer. Kurt has worked really hard, especially since his voice is starting to drop a little and he needs to learn how that changes his vocal ability. Shelby thinks it'll give him a stronger low note and increase his range, but he needs to continue testing his limits as his voice continues to change. Rachel doesn't have to worry about her voice dropping, but her voice is maturing. It's exciting for Shelby to listen to the difference in her daughter's voice now compared to when she was 14. She was a great singer then, of course, but with her voice slowly maturing, it's giving her songs a richer quality. The mother looks forward to hearing how her voice will continue to change as she gets older. She shakes off her thoughts and focuses on Kurt's audition. He's doing a fabulous job. She's proud of him. A glance to her right tells her Burt is a very proud father. She's sure Rachel is off stage watching her brother as well. Finn and Brittany are back stage with Rachel. Blaine is back stage as well, looking to support both his boyfriend and best friend. The rest of the Glee kids, as well as their coaches, are sitting in the audience. Kurt finishes the song strong and those in the audience give him an enthusiastic round of applause and let out a series of cheers and shouts. Some, like Shelby and Burt, give him a standing ovation. The boy is glowing with pride, relief, and joy.

"You didn't change the vowel at the end of the line. If you elongate the vowel you can get the same power in and sound closer to the actual word you're singing."

Kurt swallows hard and nods. "Thank you, Madam Tibideaux."

"This is not your usual style, is it?"

"Um, no."

"I imagine you tend to prefer the more energetic, traditionally theatrical songs. Am I correct?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"I could tell. You took a risk by singing something calmer and more emotional. It was a good choice. You managed to bring the emotion across in your song. Well done."

Kurt sags with relief, a smile lighting his face. "Thank you, Madam Tibideaux."

Shelby lays a hand on Burt's arm, calming him. The man releases a breath. Kurt bows, then bounces off the stage. From the squeals off stage, Shelby guesses Rachel and the others are praising the boy. It quickly quiets down and everyone waits eagerly for Rachel to be called. The women at the center desk are writing notes and quietly conversing. Shelby feels her tension rising the longer the silence goes on. She leans forward and rests her chin on her clasped hands. Scott rubs her back.

"Rachel Berry."

All eyes snap to the stage eagerly. Rachel doesn't immediately come out. The stage remains empty. They wait. Shelby looks at her phone; no new messages or missed calls.

"Rachel Berry."

The empty stage gives off an ominous feeling. Shelby stands. She needs to get back stage and make sure her kid is okay. Before she can move, Blaine comes out on stage.

"You're not Rachel Berry."

"No, I'm not. I was hoping you could grant us just another minute or two. We're experiencing some…technical difficulties." Blaine clasps his hands behind his back and lowers his head slightly. Shelby's heart jumps. He's lying. His tells are obvious.

The two women at the desk share a look. "Very well."

The boy nods his thanks and hurries off stage. Shelby shakes her head. She needs to know what's really going on. Burt, Scott, and Will all stand as well, clearly aware Blaine lied and probably assuming, as Shelby is, that something's wrong with Rachel. She waves them back down.

"I'll call if help is needed." She promises quickly, hurrying out of the row of seats.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Santana glances around with narrowed eyes. It's very possible something is wrong with Rachel and it could be minor or life threatening. She hates it. She also knows how stubborn her petite friend is, so it is very possible that something is wrong and she's insisting on going on anyway. Santana is torn. Rachel deserves her shot at the future she wants, but it shouldn't be at the cost of her health. Then again, Rachel has been fighting really hard and wouldn't do anything that would possibly jeopardize it. She's positive of that. Will they let her reschedule her audition? Santana kind of doubts it, considering these two women flew here from New York just for Kurt and Rachel. Would they really be willing to come back just for Rachel? Even if they do agree to reschedule it, what are the chances that Rachel will be better at the time of the rescheduled audition? Is this her one and only chance? She racks her brain, trying to come up with a way to help her friend. They need to keep these women here until Rachel is ready to perform. But how? An idea tickles her brain and she nudges Puck. She stands and jerks her head to the side. He nods and follows. Seeing them, Tina follows. Her two friends follow her until they're standing just a couple feet away from the two women and can easily be overhear without making it obvious that that's their intention. San turns to the other two.

"Do you think something's wrong with Rachel? I mean, she did just get out of the hospital this morning." She cuts her eyes to the women meaningfully. The other two's eyes light up with understanding.

"It's likely." Tina agrees, speaking clearly. "She had to be rushed to the ER last night for blood loss and Kurt said she needed two blood transfusions. Even after she got home today she had to sleep for a while."

"Right," Puck nods, "and that's after being in the hospital last week. Or was it less than a week ago?"

"Rachel has spent more time in the hospital over the past couple weeks than she's spent out of it." Santana states.

"Is she even up for performing?" Puck asks.

Santana kicks his leg. "This is Berry we're talking about. The stubborn diva with a ridiculous drive who won't stop until she achieves her goals. Unless she's unconscious or dragged out of here against her will, she'll perform."

"But will she be at her best?" Tina asks tentatively.

That actually gives Santana pause. "I—maybe? Knowing her, she wouldn't dare give less than her best."

"But that doesn't mean it'd actually be her best. It might just be the best she can give right now."

The three teens stare at one another somberly, worrying not just about their friend but that their little plan to work some sympathy points for Rachel may have backfired by being worse than intended. Santana sighs.

"Whatever she does today, it won't be her absolute best because she's just not physically up for it right now. But if she comes out to perform anyway, it'll still be amazing because that's all Rachel can give. Amazing performances."

Puck gives a good natured snort. "You used to complain about her ego, yet here you are praising her."

"To be fair, she got a hell of a lot better about her ego. She's still very confident and vocal about her abilities, but she's nice about it now. Besides, it's not often her ego gives her a big head these days. That was like…..freshman year. She's grown since then, cut her some slack."

"And to be more fair, it is a pretty well deserved ego. She works really hard." Tina points out with a grin. "Why can't she flaunt it once in a while?"

"'Cause it used to piss us off." Puck laughs. The other two join in.

Tina grabs Santana's hand. "Rachel is fine. She'll either reschedule and wow the judges another day or she'll give the best performance she can give today and earn her well deserved spot in NYADA."

"Or die trying." Puck adds. The girls slap his arms and head repeatedly. "Ow ow! I'm sorry! Bad joke! Really bad joke! Sorry! Damn. I didn't mean it!"

"You ass."

"You know me, I don't think before I talk!" He defends himself desperately.

"Or act."

"Or at all."

"That's fair." He agrees easily, his eyes heavy with apology. Santana can tell he really does regret his joke. Still, she glares at him before stomping off to her seat.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby jogs to the door and books it down the hall. Back stage, it takes a moment for her eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. Rachel is sitting on a chair and drinking from a bottle of water. Unless her eyes deceive her, Rachel's hand is shaking lightly. Finn stands behind her with his hands on her shoulders. The others stand or crouch around her. Yero has his head on her lap.

"What's wrong?"

Rachel's eyes widen. The other kids look between them warily. "I'm fine!"

Shelby narrows her eyes. "Somehow I doubt that."

Her daughter sighs heavily. "I….kind of got dizzy."

Shelby frowns. "How dizzy?"

Rachel shrugs awkwardly. "Dizzy. I just need a minute."

Thoughts flash through Shelby's mind. Asking Rachel to reschedule, telling her to call it off, going out there herself and telling Madam Tibideaux it's off, letting her go on anyway….she runs a hand through her hair, not sure what to do. She doesn't want to distress her daughter by denying her this chance. Rachel has been so excited about it and she's had precious little to be excited about. But her health…..her thoughts are derailed when Rachel stands.

"I feel better. Really. I'm steady. I'm ready."

She sounds confident and she looks fine. She's no longer shaking and isn't as pale as she was. However, she was just unwell. Did it seriously pass that quickly? Shelby steps closer and cups her daughter's chin gently in her hand. "Are you really?"

The looks in her eyes changes slightly. "Honestly? I'm tired but not too tired, I promise. I can do this, Mom."

"Well you did just get out of the hospital this morning. For blood loss. And you are still stage three, even if your numbers went up."

"I know. And I really am tired. But I really do feel up to doing this. Probably only this and then maybe a nap afterwards, but I can do this. I want to do this. I need to do this. Please, Mom." Seeing Shelby waver, Rachel makes a final plea. "You can even take me back to the hospital afterwards if you think I need it and I won't argue or complain!"

Shelby huffs a short laugh. "I'm not sure that makes me feel any better. Do you think you'll need the hospital afterwards?"

"No! Just a nap, I swear! I just meant that if you would feel better taking me back to the hospital, even though it won't be necessary, I won't argue or complain."

Shelby swallows down her reservations and pulls Rachel into her arms. She needs to start trusting her kid again. "Okay. You can audition on one condition. Finn has to be on stage with you, sitting right behind you. Just in case." She also wants to demand that Rachel stop performing if she becomes too tired or dizzy, but realizes that it's far more realistic that Rachel will either be too focused on her performance to even notice until it's too late or be too stubborn and push through, thinking she's fine.

Rachel bites her lip, but nods. "Okay."

She kisses her cheek. "Break a leg."

"Thanks, Mom. I love you."

"I love you more." Than anything.

Brittany and Blaine each grab a stool and carry them out onto the stage. Shelby takes that as her cue to hurry back to the auditorium before the song starts. When she enters, the door swings shut behind her and all eyes jump to her. Shelby smiles slightly and nods, causing everyone to relax. She makes it back to her seat between Burt and Scott.

"She got dizzy, but she's fine." She whispers to them.

Finn walks out on stage with Rachel on his arm and Yero following behind. He takes a seat on the stool that's further back. Rachel stands in front of him and faces the audience. She wears a simple but beautiful flowing dress and when the spotlight hits her, she looks radiant.

"I am Rachel Berry. I appreciate your patience."

Ms. July raises an unimpressed eyebrow and just stares. Madam Tibideaux gives a short nod. "Are you ready now?"

"I am."

"You may begin, Ms. Berry."

The woman's tone doesn't entirely match her expression, but Shelby can't quite pinpoint how. Rachel doesn't seem to notice. She merely nods and takes her seat. Fiyero settles down on the floor beside her. The music starts and Shelby grips the arms of her chair. Scott wraps an arm around her shoulders and Burt pats her hand. She knows Rachel will sound great, that's not her concern. Her concern is that either her kid will become too nervous and choke or something will go wrong medically and she won't be able to finish. Rachel had wanted to sing "Don't Rain on My Parade" because it's her most polished song. Shelby convinced her not to. Not because it's not a good audition song, but because if she's too familiar with it she'll be less focused on getting it right and more focused on the moment and potentially panic and choke. Shelby has seen it before. Hell, she's made that exact mistake before. So after a lengthy argument, Rachel caved and agreed to sing something new. Something she's never performed before. They argued a little more about what song. Rachel insisted on still doing a Barbra Streisand song, which is already challenging, but she also insisted on going for one that makes Shelby tear up every time. Then add in that Rachel feels these lyrics deeply, on a personal level, and she gets that across in her singing. Several of her early run throughs resulted in Rachel hugging a crying Shelby to comfort her.

"Being good isn't good enough
Being good won't be good enough
When I fly,
I must fly extra high
And I'll need special wings
So far to go
From so far below

Should I try?
Am I strong enough?
Is there time?
Have I long enough?
And if I fall, that's the way it's gotta be
There's no other way for me

Being good just won't be good enough
I'll be the best or nothing at all
I'll try
Am I strong enough?
Is there time?
Have I long enough?
Gotta fly and if I fall
Well, that's the way it's gotta be
There's no other way for me

Being good just won't be good enough
I'll be the best
Or nothing
At all"

There are very few dry eyes in the theater. Everyone sitting here, minus the two judges, knows how sick Rachel is and what she's been through. Hearing her sing this song about worrying if she has enough time left to be the best, if she's strong enough, about pushing herself to be the best or nothing, touches all of them. Rachel has always pushed herself to be the best and they all know it. Being "good" has never been good enough for her. And now, at stage three in her second diagnosis, singing about worrying she won't have enough time left and yet being willing to try and risk falling, singing this song to audition to get into the best theater school in the nation, is very emotional. And the way she sung it, putting her very real and relatable emotions into the song, was absolutely perfect. And her voice. Shelby has worked with Rachel on this number for two months. She has helped train her, push her, and perfect her song. Shelby has heard Rachel practice it over and over and she always sounded amazing. But now, in this crucial moment, she sounded phenomenal and Shelby couldn't be more proud. The emotion, the power, the strong belts, the moments of clear tone, the vibrato, the challenging key change…..she nailed it.

It's only then, with everyone giving her an enthusiastic standing ovation and wiping away their tears, that Shelby notices it. Rachel is gripping the sides of the stool. Finn's hands are on her waist. The performance had sucked Shelby in and held her so captivated, despite how many times she's heard her sing it before, that she hadn't noticed sooner. Shelby slowly stops clapping and stares hard at her kid. Despite gripping her seat and looking pale, Rachel is smiling widely and her eyes are shining. Shelby relaxes just a smidge. Instead of giving a curtsy or traditional bow, Rachel bows her head. Finn's hands on her waist keep her steady. Slowly, the applause dies down and everyone retakes their seats. The judges sit silently, writing their final notes. Ms. July is leaning back in her seat with her arms crossed, her fingers digging into her arms and jaw clenched tight. Shelby frowns, not understanding why. Rachel had to have blown her away. She's not just being a biased mother, is she? Madam Tibideaux finishes writing and places her pen down. Only then does she give Rachel her undivided attention. The woman leans forward and clasps her hands.

"That was quite a challenging song you chose."

Rachel raises her chin the slightest bit, a glint in her eye. "I like a challenge."

"I can tell. I've heard professionals sing this song on stage and struggle through it. You nailed it." Rachel's eyes widen and she sits up a little straighter. "Ms. Berry, you are quite a talented singer. We have several hundred students that encompass our four year undergraduate program as well as our post-graduate students. You just out-sang at least 70% of them."

Shelby is beaming as wide as her daughter is, her heart bursting with pride and joy. Her baby is a star.

"Thank you, Madam Tibideaux!" Her smile is radiant.

"You're welcome. Which is why the next part is so hard to discuss. I saw on your application that you listed aplastic anemia as a health issue." Shelby's heart suddenly sinks. Rachel pales. "Is that why you're sitting for your audition? And why have your boyfriend sitting behind you to hold you up? And your service dog beside you?"

"Yes." Less confident. Meek.

"I see. While we are understanding of medical conditions, there are limits. Our program is time tested and proven to help our students achieve success. To that end, it is a very rigorous program. Mentally, emotionally, and especially….physically. Dance classes, singing classes, and even our acting classes are very physically demanding. Can you physically keep up?"

Even from a distance, Shelby can see the emotions warring behind the mask Rachel's struggling to keep up. Her heart goes out to her. "I will do my absolute best. I never give up."

"That is good to hear. But you're making a promise that your body can't cash in. I know you won't give up. However, I did my research on aplastic anemia. It sounds brutal. The fact of the matter is, you can't promise that you can keep up. You have very little control over your health right now."

Rachel's mask cracks. She grips Finn's hands and takes a shuddering breath. "I know. You're right. But it can change. I could possibly go into remission before the semester begins."

"Could. Possibly. I'm not here for 'could'. I'm looking for those who 'can'."

Her daughter's face falls and she quickly clenches her jaw shut to hold back her emotions. "I am doing everything I can to get better. But you're right. It's out of my control. Am I going to be passed over for something out of my control? Something that could change at any time?"

"The problem is it could change in either direction." Madam Tibideaux says sharply. Then she sighs. "We're not making any decisions just yet. We have more auditions to attend, after all. I'm telling you this now because if you aren't accepted into NYADA, I want you to know it'll have nothing to do with your talent. You are absolutely talented enough to get in. There's no question about that. If you aren't accepted, it'll be because of your illness. We welcome you to apply again when you're healthier. If we accept you into NYADA this year, and you're still sick, we'll have to sit down with you, your parents, the board, and potentially a doctor to discuss how we can accommodate your medical needs. And that's even if we're able to accommodate your medical needs. We simply may not be able to adapt our program to your needs and still have you meet the same criteria as the other students. Do you understand?"

Two tears trickle down Rachel's cheeks. She gives a jerky nod. Her voice is shaky. "Yes. I understand." It squeezes Shelby's heart.

"Good. We'll be in touch one way or the other. For what it's worth, you truly were phenomenal and I wish you the best, Ms. Berry."

More tears stream down her face. "Thank you."

The two women stand, gather their belongings in the silent theater, and take their leave. Will leads them out, his face pinched. Shelby slowly stands and walks towards her heartbroken daughter. To have done so well and be praised so highly, but still be told she may not get in for health reasons is both unfair and yet understandable. And it's breaking her daughter's heart. As soon as the auditorium door snaps shut behind them, Rachel falls to pieces. Finn scoops his sobbing girlfriend into his arms and holds her on his lap. Yero rests his head on her stomach and whines softly. Shelby moves faster and takes Rachel from Finn.

"It's not fair." Rachel cries into her neck.

"I know, baby girl. I'm so sorry." She holds off pointing out that they knew this was a possibility. Now isn't the time. Now is for comforting her child. She rocks her and shushes her, barely noticing the others slowly slinking out of the auditorium.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"It's not your fault."

Carmen looks over at Cassandra. "It's not hers, either. The whole situation is ridiculously unfair. That girl deserves to be in NYADA but her body may not allow it to happen. Unfortunately, I meant what I said. We can't admit a student to our program that we don't think can keep up with it."

"So we'll do what you said? See if we can accommodate her needs?"

"That's a big if."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shelby leans in Rachel's doorway, looking in on the teens on the bed. Rachel is curled between Kurt and Brittany. Blaine, Finn, and Santana were here for a while too, but Shelby sent them home after Rachel finally fell asleep. Kurt and Brittany insisted on staying and fell asleep as well. Her heart breaks for her kid. Scott steps beside her and wraps an arm around her waist.

"She'll be okay. She'll get over this."

Shelby shakes her head. "Not anytime soon."

"Maybe not soon, but she will. She has a huge group of people who love her and will help cheer her up."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Speaking of cheering up, I opened a bottle of wine and a bottle of ibuprofen. Which would you prefer?"

Shelby chuckles quietly. "A glass of wine sounds good."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As Shelby feared, Rachel was just as morose the next day. And just as exhausted. Kurt at least has Nationals to prepare for to help keep his mind off NYADA. Rachel doesn't even have that. Her kid spent the majority of the day sleeping, or at least pretending to sleep and refusing to leave her bed. In the evening Rachel finally willingly showed her face, pale as it was, and cuddled with Shelby on the couch, looking for comfort. The mother put on "Funny Girl", not sure if she should push Rachel to talk or let her open up in her own time. The next day Rachel was a little more like herself, but still quiet. It didn't help that she got a bad headache and spent hours alternating between being in pain and sleeping. At one point she found Rachel sobbing into Yero's fur. She couldn't get Rachel to calm down enough to explain if the tears were from her headache or heartache. Shelby assumed a mix of both, gave her medicine, and cuddled her back to sleep.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"She's sleeping more. She's struggling to wake up in the morning more, but she naps in the afternoon more, too. She's quieter, paler, eating less, and seems to have more frequent headaches."

"And you can't tell how much of it is physical and how much is emotional?"

"Both are pretty damn serious, so yeah, it's hard to tell. She already seemed depressed, but this added to it. And even though her numbers are going up, she's still stage three so it makes sense that her symptoms would be getting worse. I just…..I just don't know."

"She has her next half treatment tomorrow, right?"

"She does. Hopefully they'll have good news for us. We could use some good news right about now."

"I'm sorry Shel. Let me know if you want me to come over. And let me know what they say!"

"Thanks, Kelly. I will."

Shelby sets the phone down with a heavy sigh and rests her head in her hands.

"Mom?" Shelby's head jerks up. Rachel is coming slowly down the stairs. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, hon. I'm fine. Are you?" She asks pointedly.

Rachel shrugs. "I guess. I just—"

She wobbles and grabs the wall to maintain her balance. Shelby hurries over and grabs her arm. Once they're seated on the couch, she encourages Rachel to continue.

"Just what?"

"I just hate this. All of it."

"I know. I wish I could make it better."

Her face scrunches up. "I never should have stopped—"

"Stop. Enough. There's no point rehashing that. You made a mistake and you learned from it. We all did."

Rachel's eyes fill with confusion. "What did you learn?"

"To talk to you more. About how you're doing. I should have—"

"What? Mom, no! It wasn't on you! I purposely hid it and ruined everything!"

"Okay, okay!" Shelby soothes. "How about we forgive ourselves and move on?"

"I like that idea." They're quiet for a few minutes. "I feel weird." Shelby sits up with alarm. Rachel quickly holds up her hands to try to calm her. "Not like that! Not like before! Not physically! Emotionally, I feel weird."

Shelby's heart settles back down to where it should be. "Weird how?"

"Weird is the best descriptor I can think of. I'm upset, but also….kind of just…..blah. I'm mad, but only sort of. There's no one to really be mad at, other than myself, and no point in being mad, so it's not really taking hold it's just…..there. I'm disappointed, but I also kind of get it. I think I'm mostly just tired. Physically and emotionally. I don't really want to deal with it all, but I know I have to."

Shelby strokes her arm. "That…honey, that sounds like depression."

"Really? But I don't feel like constantly sad or anything."

"That's not how depression works. We've had to keep moving your appointment with Renee, but lets make it a priority, okay? I'll call her and see how soon we can get you in to talk to her. Talking may be enough. And if not, there are medications that—"

"I don't want more drugs."

"But if they help—"

"I still really don't."

"Okay. Just…just talk to her about it. And me."

"Okay."

"Until then, do you wa—" The doorbell rings. "Hold that thought." On the other side of the door is every other Glee member. "Hi, guys. Are you here to see Rachel?"

"And you." Kurt informs her.

She steps back to let them all in. The teens file into the house and settle in her living room. Rachel looks pleased to see all of them.

"What's going on?"

"Two things." Mercedes says with a small smile.

"First, we know you have your treatment tomorrow."

"Half."

"Right, at half dosage, but it's still your treatment. You're sometimes told your numbers at your treatments."

"True. What about it?"

Quinn takes Rachel's hand. "You're stage three. We know they're talking about starting the initial steps for a bone marrow transplant for you."

"We want to be tested as possible donors." Finn looks at Rachel seriously.

"All of you?" They all nod eagerly. "You know it involves a big needle and will be painful, right?"

Some of the kids cringe, but they nod anyway. Shelby's heart lightens. "Guys, that's very sweet but you can't. You have to be at least 18 to be a bone marrow donor."

"Unless you have your parent's written consent." Sam says, pulling a paper out of his pocket. "Boom! Check it out."

Every single one of them pulls out an identical form with their parents signatures, giving them permission to be tested to be a bone marrow donor for her daughter. Tears jump to mother's and daughter's eyes.

"You guys did this for me?"

"Of course! You seriously thought we wouldn't?" Santana argues teasingly.

"I'm kind of insulted." Puck agrees with a smirk.

"I love you all so much!" Rachel says, wiping away tears. "Thank you."

"Yes. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart." Shelby echoes.

The kids smile warmly at them and nod. "You're welcome."

"We love you, Rachel. Of course we'll do whatever we can to help you get better." Brittany insists.

"We can start getting tested after Rachel's marrow is drawn and tested." Blaine tells them. "We already talked to Dr. Morgan. She'll arrange all of it for us when we're ready."

Rachel and Shelby hug all of them one by one, thanking them personally. Sugar, Mercedes, and Tina admit that they've asked about being knocked out for the procedure because they think they'd faint or vomit if they have to be awake for it, but they still want to do it. Rachel laughed and promised she understood. Shelby stepped out to order food for everyone. It's the absolute least she can do for these wonderful kids. Her daughter's wonderful friends. No. Family. This is family. It's moments like this that prove it. She challenges anyone who calls them just friends to describe a closer knit group.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The large group has already eaten several pizzas when Rachel suddenly realizes something. "Wait, you said two things but only mentioned one."

"Well, to be fair, that was the most important thing we wanted to tell you." Mike says with a shrug.

"But what's the other?"

Her friends hesitate, setting their food down and looking around. Artie adjusts his glasses. "Um, it's just an idea. It's kind of…..up in the air and not, you know, definite."

"Ooookay." Rachel puts her own plate down and waits for someone to explain.

"We know things have been extra hard for you lately." Brittany starts.

"And we want to help make things a little…better. However we can." Santana adds on.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, if you're physically up for it and have permission from your Mom and doctors, we have an idea."

Eager and nervous at the same time, Rachel twists the hem of her shirt. She wants to know but is worried. If it's a good thing and she can't do it, whatever it is, it'll just be another let down. She's not sure her heart can take another big let down. She glances at her mom, who looks just as wary.

"The doctors said you probably shouldn't perform at Nationals, right?"

"Right."

"It'd probably be too much for your body to handle."

"Yeah. And it's coming up soon. You guys have been working on your numbers." She's been staying out of it. It's too painful to watch them prepare for something she's not a part of.

They wave that off. "We have our group number and solo down pat. We only just started rehearsing our second group number."

"We had an idea to change it." Mercedes admits.

Blaine clears his throat. "You know I've been pushing for an a cappella number and I kind of got shot down. You were my biggest supporter on that idea. So what if we come up with a number where a couple of us sit on stools and sing a cappella? Then you can participate. We'd all be sitting and just singing, and you'd be a major part of it but not exactly a soloist, so it wouldn't all fall on you."

"Less stress." Sugar smiles.

"Physically and emotionally." Mike adds.

"And if you're worried about a mild attack or something hitting you in the middle of the song, don't." Finn tells her softly. "We'll be sitting on either side of you. You can just hit one of us and we'll take over your part."

"If that's even necessary." Kurt clarifies.

Hope bubbles in her chest. She looks at each of her friends. Every single one of them looks happy with the idea. Still….

"What if I get a moderate attack or pass out?"

"We'll catch you."

"But it'd ruin our chances of winning."

They shrug. "Maybe."

"That's it? Maybe? You don't care?"

They shared a look. "Well, yeah, we care. It'd suck."

"But, it'd suck even more to not have you performing with us at all."

"We talked about it, Berry. And we all agreed that having you perform a number with us at Nationals is more important to us than winning a second year in a row."

"We're not saying we won't win if you sing with us." Quinn glares at Santana, who shrugs.

Santana points to Rachel. "She knew what I meant."

"I did." She promises. "I do. So…..you'd all seriously rather I sing with you and lower your chances of winning than not sing with you and most likely win?"

There's a resounding "yes" from the group.

"I mean, winning would be cool and all, but we did that last year. We know we're national champions."

"But we're champions together. All or nothing."

Rachel looks to her mom. The woman hesitates, then sighs. "I guess as long as you stay sitting and are actually up for it, then I'm fine with it. It might change on the day of, though. We'll have to play it by ear. And ask your doctors."

A smile spread across her face. Finally, something to look forward to! "Thank you! All of you!"

"You're our tiny leader. We can't do it without you."

Rachel throws her napkin at Noah. "I'm not tiny!"

The smirks and laughter arguing against that don't bother her. She just smiles and enjoys the time with her friends.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel leans against the arm of the chemo chair and flips a card over onto the pile. Sam laughs.

"You kind of suck at this game."

"You try thinking fast with a pounding head." She mutters.

His smile dims. "Sorry, Rach. We can stop."

Blaine starts scooping up the cards before Rachel can even respond. She's kind of glad. While the game is fun and she appreciates the distraction, she's just not feeling up to playing it anymore. Her head is the main thing bothering her, but she's really tired, too. And for some reason, her bruises seem more tender today and she's not sure why or if it's related at all. She lightly rests her hand on her side, where her worst bruise is.

"Are you nauseous?" Sam asks.

Blaine stops gathering the cards to look at her worriedly.

"No. My bruise hurts."

"I can go get you ice." Blaine offers.

She smiles. "Nah, it's okay. I'll wait until I'm home to ice them." Her eyes take in the amount of fluid in the IV bags dangling above her. "I should be done soon."

They spend the next couple minutes talking quietly about song ideas. Now that they know they're going with an a cappella song, Blaine is thrilled and happily sharing the ideas he'd thought of months before. Rachel mostly lets the boys talk, only tossing out a comment here and there when she feels up to it. She's happy that she might actually get to sing at Nationals, she really is. And she's happy that Blaine is getting what he really wanted, too. She wonders if part of the reason he's pushing for a cappella songs is because he's hoping if it's his idea they go with he's more likely to get to perform. It's certainly what Rachel would have done in his place if she didn't have a solo already. Her mom sits beside them, but is giving them a little space. She's been using this time to grade papers. Still, Rachel noticed the way her mom's expression would change slightly based on suggestions for songs they made. She kind of used it to determine if they were going in the right direction or not.

"Alright, let's get you disconnected." Nurse Karen announces happily.

The middle aged woman disconnects the needle and puts a bandaid over the insertion point. Rachel debates whether to ask if she'll be getting a chest port again or not, now that she's stage three again. While she hated having it, it did make treatments easier; less needles. She decides against it for now. They'll tell her if she's getting one. Once Karen is finished checking her vitals, she pats Rachel's arm and looks between her and her mom.

"Dr. Reed didn't want you to have to wait until your next appointment with him to discuss your numbers, so he gave us the go ahead to tell you." She says with a smile. "Rachel, you're back to stage two."

She sits up straighter, ignoring her hurting head. "I am? Already?"

"Well, to be exact, you're still technically at the edge of stage three. But, your numbers are going up, even with only half dose treatments. Once we're back to full dose treatments, you'll be pushed fully into stage two. Still, you're close enough that we can count you as being in stage two now."

Her mom's smile is huge. "That's wonderful! Does that mean we're going to change the dosage of her treatment?"

"Yes. Her heart has been good and her white blood cell count is down, so we'll go back to full dose treatments. Rachel, you'll come back on Thursday for your normal treatment. You're back to your normal routine faster than we expected. It's a very good sign."

"What about—" she pauses, wincing at a spike of pain in her head, "—the bone marrow transplant?"

If she were less on edge she'd be amused by the way Sam and Blaine's heads are snapping back and forth between her and the nurse.

"Well, as long as your next treatment really does push you fully into stage two, you won't need it. But that's more for Dr. Reed to decide. I can tell you your numbers and pass along messages from Dr. Reed, but discussing your full plan and making decisions like that is up to him."

"Thanks, Karen."

"You're very welcome. Now go home, take some meds, and get some sleep, kiddo."

The boys cheer and high five, then take turns hugging Rachel. Her mom hugs her tight. "See? It was a rough blip, but just a blip. That rough patch is over and you're back on track to getting better."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rachel goes to school the next day. Now that things are looking up, she's in a much better mood. She still struggled to wake up so she missed most of first period, but she's finally back at school. She's trying not to think about her audition and what Madam Tibideaux said, but it's hard. The words replay in her mind at random times. She finishes an assignment in Math class and decides she's too tired to get up to turn it in. Mike is still working on his own assignment and she doesn't want to interrupt him. She looks down at Yero and grins. Rachel rolls up her paper and taps the dog. He eagerly stands, ready to help. She puts the paper in his mouth and points to her teacher, sitting at her desk. Yero happily trots off with her work. Her teacher takes the paper from him with a smile and pets him. Then, she opens her desk drawer and pulls out a doggie treat. Yero goes on alert, already salivating at the sight of it.

"Is it okay if I give him one? My own dogs like these."

Rachel smiles brightly. "Of course! He'd love it."

Her teacher gives him the treat and he does his little happy dance, making the class chuckle. He munches away and returns to Rachel, settling at her feet once more but now with a big doggie grin.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Scott, Uncle Burt, Uncle Mark, and Uncle Andy worked together in secret to build Rachel and her mom one of those outdoor swings that looks like an egg. They built it, tested it, then added cushions to make it comfortable. She was thrilled and touched when they brought it over.

"The weather is warming up and we know you find the back and forth motion of a swing soothing. We thought this would give you somewhere comfortable to go, outside but still at home." Uncle Burt explained.

"For either of you. Or both of you! We made it big enough and strong enough to hold two people." Uncle Andy adds on.

"Thank you, all of you. I love it and I love you!" She hugged and kissed the cheeks of every uncle/father figure.

Uncle Mark gives it a gentle push and she smiles widely when the chair smoothly swings. "And since your grandfather was a little sore that we didn't include him in this, he's working on building a doghouse for Yero."

"Remind him he doesn't have to, please." Her mom laughs. "Not that it'll do any good. He's stubborn."

"Right. Because he's the only stubborn person in the family." Uncle Andy teases. Her mom rolls her eyes but doesn't argue. Rachel giggles.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The cool night wind ruffles her hair, but she's not cold. Yero is curled up on her lap, keeping her warm. The stars are beautiful on this clear spring night. Rachel feels odd. For starters, it's nighttime and she's awake. That alone is odd. She's been sleeping more lately. She wonders if that'll slow down now that she's back to stage two. She pushes the swing with her foot and gently rubs Yero's ears. Everything is happening fast this time around, but it also keeps changing. Things are similar and yet so different to last time that she's feeling wrong-footed. Stage one, then quickly to stage two, even faster to stage three, now back to stage two….she's had a ton of mild attacks but only a handful of moderates and no severe attacks. She's had more colds and illnesses but less bruises. More headaches but less frequent bleeding.

Rachel sighs heavily. After her second diagnosis, she told herself that even though it was scarier, it'd be easier to face because she knew what to expect. Forewarned is forearmed, after all. Prepared. It feels like nothing is going how she expected. She feels just as clueless and scared as she did the first time, but more tired somehow. Drained and weary. A battle weary soldier forced into another war with battered weapons, little ammo, and no armor. Or a singer performing two challenging and exhausting shows a day, 7 days a week, with only short breaks in-between. And little hope of it ever actually ending. Not the way she hopes it will, anyway. Everyone is so optimistic now. Her numbers are finally going up! She's getting better! There is hope. But there's a part of her, a scared and worn out part of her, that fears its just a red herring. A false alarm.

"I don't wanna do it anymore, Yero." She whispers to the pup on her lap.

He looks up at her with his big brown eyes. He lets out a low whine, then a series of soft barks, almost like he was responding to her. She smiles slightly.

"I know that. And I meant my promise to everyone. I won't give up. I'll keep going and keep fighting. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want to have to. Or that I'm tired of it. I need a —"

Break, she was going to say. A break. But she got one, last summer and fall. A five month break. Was it really a break to let her catch her breath and restrengthen for round two? Or just bad luck that the aplastic anemia came back? Does it even matter? Thinking about what Renee has said to her repeatedly, maybe it's really about perspective. She sighs again. Which perspective will help her face this better? She already knows the answer.

"I had a break. I caught my breath and got to recharge. Maybe this really will end faster and easier than last time. Maybe the fast changes are a good thing, Yero. I just need to keep my head up and keep going. I need to stay positive. If not for myself, then for everyone else. That was my whole plan from the beginning, right? I can do it." She promises her dog, leaning down to kiss his furry head.

If only it wasn't easier said than done.