I watched my father holding my mother and once again I felt the black hole in my heart tear open. They had come home from one of my father's book tours for a few days to see how I was adjusting to being me again. I of course had told them that he was fine. I had sent all of his homework in secretly as Conan so I wasn't behind, my relationship with Ran was getting better now that she had decided to start talking to me again, and I had finally convinced Megure that I had done what I'd done because it was the only way. Yes, as I plastered a grin on my face I told them that I was fine, that I was happy to be back to being the famous Kudo Shinichi again.

But I knew it was all a lie.

Well most of it.

I was happy to have my body and reputation back, but that was the only happiness I felt now.

As Conan I had been too busy trying to protect everyone and to not die that I never really gripped me situation. As Shinichi I knew that the BO had been taken down, that they no longer posed any threat to me or others, but it was in this moment of quiet that the truth hit me like a sledge hammer.

Stress and sadness and pain that I had bottled up and buried deep inside of me had come raging to the surface and not even the iron wall around my heart and mind could withstand there forces.

Mother laughed again as she cuddled herself further into my father. I physically recoiled as though she had stuck a knife through me.

I wanted to be happy for her; I wanted to see her smiled up at my father with all the love in the world. But all I felt was jealous. Jealous that I couldn't be like her and just hold my father when I was sad or scared. Jealous that she was allowed to display those emotions to him without it appearing wrong to do so. Jealous that she got to be loved.

Not that my father didn't love me. I knew he did, from the bottom of his heart, but he and I would never have that kind of relationship.

I swallowed thickly and backed away from the door. No, my father and I knew our bounds the two of us had established that long ago and it was so deeply rooted that I knew nothing could change it. Quietly as I could I walked down the hall toward the front door and just as quietly slipped out and began walking aimlessly down the street.

Since my return as Shinichi I rarely got time to myself anymore so I relished the opportunities I got to let down my defense. It was taking its toll. Every lie I ever told, every person I ever hurt seemed to weigh full bore on my conscience. I could still see them, every tear ever shed for me or for something I could not stop, or for something I did, like shards of diamond slitting my already shredded heart to pieces.

I took a deep breath of night air and kept walking trying to push all my thoughts out of my head at once and just let go. I don't know how long I walked around for but when I brought myself back I found that I was standing on the ledge of one of the Tokyo skyscrapers, and how I got up there I haven't the slightest clue. There was no fear as I looked the long way down to the ground, in fact, it looked rather enticing, like if I were to step of the edge right now I could walk over the landscape away from the darkness and cold of my ever swirling guilt.

"Shinichi." A soft voice called from behind, but I was too lost in my own head to be startled or surprised.

"What do you think?" My voice sounded wrong even to me, empty, "Do you think it would be easier for everyone." Silence, "Don't you think this is what I deserve?" I turned to face the person behind me. KID stood not ten feet from me, his monocled eye reflecting the moonlight back at me. Not a trace of a smile on his face. I laughed, "All my life I've been chasing criminals and I'm the biggest one of them all."

KID didn't say anything, but he took a step closer to me, I backed up a fraction of an inch and he stopped.

"Is this what you want Meitantei." he whispered quietly but I could hear the underlying fear in his tone, "What will this accomplish?"

I let out a frustrated growl and buried my face in my hands, "I…I want." I stopped, as though afraid if I let my heart shatter I would never be able to fix it.

"You want?" KID questioned softly, "What do you want?"

The sincerity in his voice seemed to snap the last piece of me "I WANT THEM TO STOP!" I bellowed, "I WANT TO FORGET ABOUT WHO I WAS AND WHAT I HAVE BECOME. I WANT THE VOICES TO GO AWAY." I could feel my body shaking as tears leaked between my fingers. Suddenly warm arms closed around me and pulled me close. I sobbed harder and fell to me knees and KID followed gently shushing me. We began to rock together and I pressed in closer to him.

I knew then that I wouldn't jump, could never jump. This is what I had wanted; this is what I had needed. This was what I had been searching for ever since I had returned. That one person to lean on. That one person to love and trust to a point where I wasn't ashamed to cry, where I wasn't afraid to show my scars.

I trusted my parents and my friends, but I could never tell them how I felt. How much I loathed myself. They would simply say that I would be alright and brush it off as though it were a passing phase. They would try to defend what I did and stick up for me and tell me not to ever doubt what had happened. I wouldn't cry for them.

KID was different.

As he held me close and rocked me he didn't offer me words of comfort or try to offer an explanation or even try to get me to stop. His shushing was not to tell me to halt my tears or to calm down but rather to let me know that he was there when I finally did.

It was more then I had wanted. More than I could have asked for from my rival and friend.

It was a simple comfort.