Standard Disclaimer:
Bob slowly approached Alyx who was hunched over a keyboard and monitor, her fingers flying like crazy on the keyboard.
"He pushed her up against the wall and ripped her blouse open, then Snape pushed his handsome hair back and what the hell is this?" Bob asked.
Alyx screamed and dove under the desk.
Seeing the free seat Bob sat down and started typing. "Snape pushed his handsome hair back and Hermione pulled out a short barrel shotgun and shoved them against his testicles. Back off grease ball she snarled."
"Bob!" exclaimed Alyx. "Leave my story alone!"
"Awww, but I'm getting to the good part," Bob replied.
Alyx gritted her teeth and she shoved as hard as she could against the computer chair Bob sat in. With a startled squawk he flew backwards into the Orchestra Pit with a loud crash.
Alyx then climbed out from under her desk and turned to her story, trying to fix it. Bob popped up from the pit and threw a lasso around her, pulling her into the pit with him.
Sounds of fighting and much screaming came from the pit and the band fled for safer ground.
Harry looked at Luna. "I don't think they planned this."
She nodded. "It's stalling our story too."
"I'll fix it," He replied, then he stood and faced the audience. "Bob and Alyx are busy, and they don't own Harry Potter, but are too busy to tell you that. So I'm going to start the story for Bob."
He turned to Luna, "How was that?" he asked.
She looked up at him, "I love it when you take charge, you can be a real sexy beast sometimes."
He preened and flexed his muscles. "I know."
Azkaban Prison...
Luna and Harry appeared in a very changed prison cell. It was enormous! Sirius lounged in a very comfortable chair, next to him in another chair sat Helga who busied herself with some knitting.
"I didn't think Azkaban was this nice," commented Luna, then she turned to Harry. "Could we come here for one of our vacations?"
Harry blinked in shock and then noticed Luna smirking at him. She did that on purpose! He thought, she just loves to get a rise out of me.
Luna winked at Harry. "Yes I do," she said softly, then she turned to Sirius.
"Sirius Orion Black, I'm pleased to meet you again," Luna said. "Tell me have you seen many claw footed munktoes around here? I think they would love this place."
Sirius put down his book and smiled at Luna. "I have only seen a few of them, I suspect the Dementors frighten them away," he replied, then he turned to Harry. "You know, I should be angry at you."
Harry smirked at him. "Oh? Why is that?"
Sirius stood and moved to stand behind Helga's chair. "You left me here with a beautiful woman that could cast considerable magic without a wand and she was extremely interested in pleasing me."
Harry grinned and pulled Luna close to his side, then wrapped an arm around her. "So? I have the same thing. I'm enjoying it."
Luna shot Harry a smug smile for that comment.
"Yes but your Luna started out as a normal girl that you had God interfere with. Me? I get a house elf that's been transfigured."
Harry blanched. "Oh. She told you about that?"
Sirius nodded. "I was initially upset, but Helga explained how the change was permanent, and the longer she was exposed to humans in this form the more human she would become. She also pointed out that she was physically identical to a normal woman, except that normal women can't use elf magic."
Luna looked a little put out that Sirius didn't seem like he was going to punch Harry. She shrugged. "So give her a wand and let her fake that she's using human magic if that's the only problem. Harry saved her from a certain death and gave her a choice, she could have gone on as an elf or he could change her to a human and let her care for you."
Helga reached up from her chair and pulled one of Sirius' hands down to rub against her cheek. "Master Sirius, please don't be angry, Lord Harry saved me twice, first by saving my life and then by giving me a chance at a new kind of life."
Harry smiled when he saw Sirius' expression soften. "I know sweetheart," he murmured.
"Sirius," Harry said, "Look at it this way, it's the ultimate prank on your family. The Lord of the Black family in love with a former elf. Your children would have your ancestors frothing in anger."
"Helga, you still call Sirius master?" asked Luna.
Helga glanced up at Sirius. "I try not to Mistress, it's a hard habit for me to break. But M... Sirius is so much more than master anymore."
Sirius smiled down at her and then turned to look at Harry. "Still, I should deck you one for what you did. But I'll let it slide this time."
"Oh poo," Luna murmured, "Couldn't you hit him at least once?"
"Luna!" exclaimed Harry.
"Oh all right, I swear, you Sirius' are just no fun. In all of the thousands we've dealt with only one of you actually hit Harry. Just one!"
"Can we just get on with this?" Harry asked in a pained voice.
"Yes Harry, now that you're done wasting time we can move on," Luna said airily.
He shook his head and sat on a couch facing Sirius and Helga. Helga glanced up at Sirius for a moment, then she snapped her fingers causing her chair to expand until it was wide enough for two people. Sirius grinned at her and moved to sit next to her.
"Here's the plan Paddy. You and Helga are coming with us today. In a weeks time Sirius Black will be found by one of the Aurors on patrol, dead in his cell. You will be, to the wizarding world, dead. I'm going to do some very minor alterations on you, making your hair a little lighter, taller, but you will still be recognizable as a Black.
"First thing you're going to do is submit a new will as Sirius Black. I'll arrange for it to be dated properly. The goblins will accept it, I'll make sure of that. In that will you will leave all your possessions to one Betelgeuse Hershel Black, a close cousin who left England many years ago and has recently returned. You will also ask Bugger to assume Godfather duties for you."
Sirius blinked and looked at Harry. "Wait! What? Who's Bugger?"
Harry smirked. "Well you are. Beetle Juice, so your nickname is Bugger. It's fitting."
Helga smiled broadly. "Oh Bugger!" she said with a throaty moan.
Sirius placed his head in his hands while everyone snickered around him.
"Oh bugger me," Sirius moaned. James had never been this cruel and funny with a prank.
Harry cleared his throat and Sirius looked at him warily. "As Lord Bugger, I'll give you access to some special accounts, I don't want you draining your accounts, you'll need it for yourself and your family. One of the things I want you to do is sue everyone. I mean everyone. Sirius Black will be dead and you'll be enacting as much legal havoc as you possibly can in his name. Threaten blood feuds, line thefts, call in old debts, demand the Goblins take hostages, whatever, just tie the ministry up in their own courts, then sue them in the muggle world too."
Sirius' expression lit up as he contemplated the amount of havoc he could wreak. This was going to be fun!
Kings Cross Station, June 15th...
Bugger and Helga stood off to one side of the platform waiting as the train slowed and came to a stop.
"Relax Bugger," Helga said warmly. "He's going to love you."
Harry Nargle had been true to his word, he no longer looked like Sirius Black, but there was enough of a resemblance to confirm he was truly a Black. His hair was longer and his sideburns were tinged with a stately amount of gray. He also wore a goatee which was also peppered with gray. And unlike his old form his eyes were a slate gray instead of the cool blue he used to have.
To make the disguise complete, Harry had downloaded into his head several languages as well as an indepth knowledge about a number of other nations. He now could speak six languages and if asked, could describe the sights and events surrounding a number of countries as if he were a native of those countries.
Despite Sirius' urgings, Harry refused to allow him to create a back story that would make him out to be a secret agent. Harry felt if he couldn't be James Bond, no one else could play that game.
Bugger spotted little Harry standing next to Hermione. She was talking to Harry and her parents. Taking a deep breath he and Helga walked up to the group.
"Excuse me, but are you Harry Potter?" he asked.
Harry looked at the strange man warily. "Yes?"
"My name is Betelgeuse Hershel Black. I am a cousin of Sirius Black, your Godfather. I would like to give you this," he said, holding out a scroll.
Daniel Granger stepped forward and gripped Harry's shoulder tightly. "Do you mind?"
Harry looked up at him and shook his head. Bugger shrugged and offered the scroll to Dan Granger. He unrolled the document and read it, then reread it to make sure it was saying what he thought it was saying.
Dan had taken the opportunity to really talk with Harry over the holiday and he was coming to care for the lad. This stranger represented an uneasy element and he wanted to protect the boy if he could.
"Harry," Dan said gently. "Sirius Black was your Godfather. According to this he recently died in prison and he asked his cousin to assume that role for him. Mr. Black here is now your magical guardian."
Harry's eyes grew huge and he looked between Dan and Bugger. "What does that mean?"
Bugger crouched down so that he was eye level with Harry. "It means that you no longer have to go back to those Dursleys. I know you don't know me, but I would like to give that opportunity. My wife and I have room for you in our home and our hearts. But if you want to go elsewhere, at least until you get to know us, we'll understand."
Hermione's eyes filled with tears for her friend. "Oh Harry, you've dreamed of this."
He hadn't told her all about life with the Dursleys but enough had slipped past his walls for her to understand it wasn't a good place.
"If you don't mind me asking," Dan Granger said, "Why now?"
Bugger nodded and tried to smile reassuringly at the man. "Harry's godfather was placed in prison without a trial. Because of that oversight on the part of the government they were unable to confiscate his wealth or even put aside his will. Now that he's gone his will was read and he asked me to fill in the role he wanted very much to fill but couldn't. Honestly I couldn't do anything about it until a few days ago. Harry's parents were good friends of mine, but only one of us could be his Godfather. Legally his Godfather was supposed to be his Guardian. When he died in prison, he asked that I pick up the role since I was also a friend of his parents."
Bugger turned back to Harry. "Harry, I won't be upset if you don't want to come with us, but we have to make some arrangements for you, unless you want to go back to the Dursleys?"
Harry's eyes widened and his frame shook with a heavy shudder. The Dursleys might have mellowed but he still remembered when beatings were the order of the day.
"Would I be able to visit my friends over the holiday?" asked Harry.
Bugger nodded. "You can visit with them, or ask them to come visit with you. We have a large home with plenty of space."
"We'd be happy to come visit you," said Hermione's mum.
Hermione nodded fervently at him.
Helga stepped closer to Harry. "We'd really like you to stay with us Harry," she said softly.
For little Harry this was an unusual situation and it left him feeling distinctly uncomfortable. Something about the Mr. & Mrs. Black made him want to trust them. "You really knew my parents?" he asked, feeling suddenly shy.
Bugger smiled broadly. "They were good friends of mine," he said softly.
Harry nodded. "I'll give it a try, it can't be worse than my relatives."
"It'll be so much better," Helga said quietly, "You'll see."
Bugger smiled broadly, then he reached for his wallet and pulled out a small business card which he handed to Dan. "I realize that a train station is a bad place to introduce yourself to one's ward, but I didn't want him going back to his relatives. My card has our home phone and my office number. If you don't mind, I'd like to allow Harry to call Hermione at least once a day. She's welcome to come visit, or if Harry wants he can visit with her."
Dan looked glanced down at the card for a moment, then nodded. He admitted he was close to offering Harry a place to stay because he didn't feel comfortable with this guy coming out of nowhere and offering Harry a home. Phone calls and visits would go a long way to easing his concerns for his daughter's friend.
Harry gave Hermione a hug and then turned to Bugger and Helga. "I'm ready."
Dan watched Harry leave with his new guardians and he glanced down at the card in his hand and wondered what a Professional Litigator was.
Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts...
"Where do you think you're going?"
Albus spun on his heel and whipped out his wand, then he blanched. The angel was back and she looked pissed!
"Ummm no where, really!" he stammered.
Luna moved a little closer and his desk whimpered, then fell into two pieces again. "Now Albus, you wouldn't be thinking about trying to return Harry Potter to his relatives would you?"
"He must!"
Luna looked at her nails for a moment then picked at one. "You know, you are starting to irritate me Albus. If I decide so, the Dursleys will be unable to accept Harry into their home because dead people don't have homes."
"You wouldn't!" gasped Dumbledore, he needed them alive so Potter could spend his time there.
"Don't tell me you've forgotten Fritz already Albus?"
A hole appeared in the floor and Fritz's head floated up on a pillar of fire. The eyes opened and he stared at Albus. "You pissed her off! Fool! Now you've done it! Eternal fire and damnation shall be your reward!"
At that moment the door to office opened and Severus Snape walked in. He took two steps and promptly fell into the hole in the floor. By sheer luck he clung to the edge screaming for help.
Luna looked at the dour potions master with an amused expression on her face.
Fritz lowered to eye level with Snape. "YOUR IN MY HOLE!" the head screamed at him.
Snape screamed in terror and let go. He dropped from sight, his voice dwindling as if he were falling a great distance.
"Oh poo," murmured Luna, then she turned a steely eye on Dumbledore. "This is you fault you know. If only you had done as you were told but no, you have to interfere with Harry Potter again! Now I have to go down to Hades and bring that greasy haired bastard back. I HATE HADES!" she screamed.
Dumbledore's desk physically flinched and the two large halves trembled and became quarters.
Dumbledore looked around wildly for some avenue of escape. Even the portraits were against him! Several were openly mocking him and Phineas Nigellus was mooning him!
Dumbledore backed into a corner and plucked up his courage.
"Sparkusuanus!" he shouted.
A thick bolt of electricity jumped from his wand towards Luna, then it strangely bent in midflight to hit the shelf with all his little spinning whirly things. They exploded in a shower of hot metal fragments and Dumbledore groaned in dismay. Unfortunately his electrical spell wasn't done, the electricity continued, conducting along the wall to a suit of armor. The suit screamed and the halberd it held slipped, falling to the floor, narrowly missing Fawkes and cleaving his perch in two.
The suit pulled away from the wall sideways, hitting a shelf containing dozens of snow globes that Dumbledore had spent years collecting. The shelf pivoted on it's axis hurling the globes into the air, and one by one they crashed into the stone floor with a loud pop.
Dumbledore slid down the wall and stared at the wreckage that had been his office. Fawkes stared at Dumbledore for a moment, then he started hooting and honking loudly.
Luna blinked. She tried crossing her eyes and blinking again, but there was no escaping the scene of total destruction. Harry would be so pleased!
Giving Albus the book of her ancestor's spells had worked wonders. She also couldn't help but marvel over the fact that he managed to get any response from that spell. As far as she was aware, none of those spells ever worked for anyone before.
Not that they are really working for him either, she thought maliciously. She hating thinking maliciously, but she found she simply couldn't change that. She just figured that some time in her family's distant past one of her ancestors mated with a Malicious and lived. She did try hard not to let it happen too often and hoped she wouldn't pass malicious onto her children.
"Now don't make me come back here again this summer! Leave Harry alone or you won't like what I make you do!" Luna said waspishly, "And clean up this mess! Your a wizard, not a pig! Don't make me change that!"
Down in the Potions class room a gibbering Potions Master fell through the ceiling onto the floor, unsurprisingly breaking his hand. Unfortunately he could no longer risk taking Skele-Grow. Madam Pomfrey would have to heal it the muggle way.
Knowing Poppy, it was quite possible that she would not let him have any potions.
Snape crawled into a corner and wept.
Wain Manor...
Luna walked into the room to discover Harry watching the mirror with a very wistful expression on his face.
"What are you watching?"
"I thought I'd check in on Harry," he said softly.
"And?"
"He's fine," Harry replied, then he turned away from the mirror and walked from the room.
Luna stared at his retreating back, then turned to the mirror.
Bugger and Harry were standing in front of a table messing with some kind of machine. "Pass me the oil Harry," he said.
Harry handed him a can of oil and Bugger applied it to the machine in front of them. "There, now all we have to do is drop this in place and bolt it down."
He levitated the machine towards it's destination and suddenly Luna realized what was wrong with her Harry. Bugger decided that every boy should enjoy model trains, so he went out and obtained a scaled down model steam engine that was a perfect duplicate of the Hogwarts Express.
She sighed and shook her head, she didn't know why he tortured himself like that. Her Harry wanted the Harry of this universe to be happy and when he saw he was, he got depressed about it.
She glanced up to the mirror and noted that Luna and Hermione were both waiting patiently for the train to start. Mr. Granger stood off to one side watching and offering advice as needed. And little Harry practically glowed with happiness.
With a wave she turned off the mirror and went to go find her Harry. She knew where he'd be, it was always the same. He'd be in the library writing notes to himself in a little notebook. It contained a list of toys and things he had seen Sirius do across the universes and he promised himself he do those things with their kids.
These episodes didn't last long, but Luna hated when they happened. Only she understood. Only she knew who her Harry really was. He was the most powerful human on the planet with abilities that exceeded even some deities, but for all that power, he was still very human.
She stood and left the room, her mission, to find her man and cheer him up even if it meant another jello bath with animal cracker wars.
Ministry of Magic, Legal Department...
Bugger entered the room and noted with distaste that the room hadn't been used in a very long time.
He stepped up to the counter and tapped the bell.
Nothing happened.
He tapped the bell again.
He glanced at the man standing next to him and shrugged an apology. The man was a squib son of a prominent family and he jumped at the opportunity Bugger had offered for him to earn a little extra quid.
Bugger pulled out his wand and sent a spell at the small bell. It made a loud ringing noise, then tore free from the counter top and embedded itself in the wall.
A door in the back of the office opened slowly and a head peeked out.
"Yes? Why are you bothering me?"
"You are the official Ministry Legal Clerk?" asked Bugger.
The portly man waddled into the office. "Yes yes I'm the chief legal clerk for the Ministry, not that I see much business since they made it illegal to sue the ministry."
Bugger grinned. "You are only partially correct," he said smoothly, then he waved to the uniformed Bobby standing next to him.
The policeman placed a heavy aluminum case on the counter and opened it, then he pulled out a quill and a bottle of ink.
"What do you mean?"
Bugger grinned, "The ministry of magic might have made it illegal to sue the ministry, but they didn't make it illegal to sue individual members, nor did they make it illegal to sue them in other jurisdictions. Finally in an act of sublime hubris, they decided that the law that prevented law suits should be frozen so that future generations were unable to change it."
The man blinked myopically at Bugger. "Do you mean?"
"Precisely," snapped Bugger.
"Sign here this form to acknowledge you have received this summons," stated the policeman. "As the official legal clerk you are authorized to accept legal documents for any member of the Ministry."
The ministry man grabbed the document and peered at it. Finally he pulled out a magnifying glass that contained a huge lens and he scanned the document.
"Your suing the Minister and the Ministry?" he asked incredulously.
Bugger nodded smugly. "Yep. I'm suing him personally in your courts. Oh and in the French courts, the ICW courts and just for giggles, the Queen's courts. Since I can't sue the Ministry in your courts we had to settle on the ICW, the Frenchies and the muggle courts."
As he spoke the Policeman placed additional forms in front of the legal clerk.
The door opened and the Legal clerk blinked in surprise. People never came into his office, now he had two of them in a single day!
Bugger turned and noted it was Antonius Jugson, a Death Eater that had escaped prison by claiming to be under the Imperius.
"I say, Jugson I am quite surprised to see you here. In fact I'm surprised to see you at the ministry at all these days. Taking quite a risk are we?" said Bugger jovially.
Jugson stared at him. "Whatever do you mean? Who are you?"
Bugger handed him a card. "I am the Lord Black, ninth earl of Blackmoor, I took the position after my cousin Sirius passed away before the summer."
Jugson shook the offered hand and never realized that Bugger had his hand coated with a very mild compulsion potion. "So why is it a surprise to see me my Lord?"
Bugger grinned. "You mean you haven't heard? Why I heard that Walden McNair claimed he was filing Blood Feud on your family only this morning. Considering that big axe he carries around I would have thought you'd be heading for a hills."
Jugson's eyes bulged and he rounded on the legal clerk. "You! You carry the forms for declaring a blood feud?"
"Yes Sir, but department 7 usually handles those forms," protested the clerk.
"Give me a form and let me fill it out, I can't risk going up to department 7, it's next to McNair's office."
The clerk nodded and fumbled around for a few minutes before finding the appropriate form.
Jugson looked around wildly for a moment.
"Here, use my quill," offered Bugger.
Jugson nodded his thanks and took the quill and quickly filled out the form, then he handed it to the clerk. "Here, send this form up to department 7, I'm leaving to gather my allies. McNair won't get away with this!"
Jugson dashed from the room and Bugger turned back to the clerk. "Now that you've signed for the summons for the wrongful death lawsuits, lets deal with the lawsuits for illegal kidnapping."
The clerk swallowed and nodded unhappily while the Policeman pulled out a large number of forms. Bugger was suing the Minister and each member of the Wizengamot individually for allowing Sirius to be put in prison.
The clerk looked at the pile of parchment and papers and he looked faint. "Are there more after this pile my Lord?"
Bugger grinned. "A few," he replied smoothly. "I think the number is somewhat close to 18,000 summons."
Bugger watched for a moment then nodded to the policeman. He would stay and serve his papers knowing full well he was earning a years pay for this single legal delivery. Bugger left the room wondering what other kind of havoc he could create. Before he'd leave the building he had a hand in starting dozens of nasty rumors, helped one family of former death eaters bankrupt another family of former death eaters and incited two more blood feuds.
All in all it was a good day and he was only getting started.
The Daily Prophet, September 10th...
Bugger stepped into the Leaky Cauldron and Tom, the inn keeper waved.
"Ho Bugger! Want a pint?"
He waved back and shook his head. "Maybe later Tom, today I have some business in the Alley."
Tom grinned evilly. He had spent more than a few hours talking with the new Lord Black who he thought was a right down to earth bloke who had a minor problem with seeking revenge over his dead cousin. Fortunately Bugger Black's idea of revenge was more sedate than the new Blood Feuds that were waged this summer.
"I've got a new shipment of your favorite Bugger," Tom called. "I'll put aside a bottle for you."
Bugger grinned and shot him a thumbs up, then he turned and headed to the back of the building.
He and Helga had seen Harry off on the express. He was amazed to discover that his Godson actually had two girlfriends! Two! In all his years at Hogwarts he never managed anything like that, and what was worse the two girls knew about each other!
He remembered the conversation Harry had with Hermione's parents and old Xeno Lovegood. Xeno wasn't too upset since it was what his little girl wanted, but the Grangers were taken aback by the whole concept of multiple marriages/relationships being rare but not unheard of or illegal in the Wizarding World.
When pressed Harry finally revealed that the girls asked him to be their boyfriend to protect them from a boy they didn't like. That put different spin on the relationship and the Grangers grudgingly approved. Of course Luna admitting that they had to explain to Harry everything about being a boyfriend caused a lot of smiles and no small concern for Bugger who realized that sooner or later he would have to give Harry the talk.
The summer had been a blast even if it did have a slow start. Harry had been rather shy around Helga and himself, but Bugger fixed that by breaking out a photo album containing hundreds of photos of his parents and their Hogwarts years.
It had taken time but slowly Harry opened up to them. Helga had their first breakthrough and he was glad to see that he quickly followed.
Harry had woken from a nightmare and Helga helped calm him, then sat watching until he fell back to sleep. Sirius had been amazed that Harry had turned to her. So he had asked Helga about how she had managed, she sighed and took him back into their bedroom for a talk.
"Sirius, you know what I was born as. Lord Harry gave me a chance at a new kind of life and I will be forever grateful for what he did. But before Lord Harry I was dying, kicked from a family that treated me badly."
Sirius nodded. "I know," he said quietly. If she would ever name that family he would gladly ruin them and that's why she refused to name them.
"Sirius," she said gently. "Harry comes from a similar background. I don't know if he was beaten like I was, but its clear there was no love for him at his relatives. We connected so easily because I know where he's coming from and I know that we're teaching him now, what he should have learned from his parents. How to love and receive love. Be supportive, be helpful, just don't demand anything and if he does something that requires a punishment, make it a gentle one. He's learning to trust and to love Sirius, and we're teaching him that."
Sirius sat on the edge of the bed and thought hard about what she was telling him. Finally he spoke. "Okay I understand what you're saying. I don't like what's happened to him and like even less that it happened to you. And I can see why he trusts you. Please, if you see me pushing him, or just doing something wrong. Kick me?"
Helga moved closer and caressed his cheek. "I will tell you my beloved master, but I will never kick you. We are helping to save Harry, but you saved me," she said huskily. She knew he'd never fully understand what a gift she had been given when Lord Harry gave her to Sirius. But that didn't matter anymore. Lord Harry had been very right about that. Her origins didn't matter, nothing mattered, but what she felt for her little family.
Bugger grinned at the memory. The three of them became very close over the summer, it was one of the best times he could remember since his school days and wouldn't give it up for anything.
Whistling a jaunty tune he walked up the alley way, nodding occasionally to people and smiling. He was the very picture of what a rich aristocratic pureblood would look like, finely dressed, carrying a cane with a silver handle, his cape ruffling gently as he walked.
Most people stepped out of his way as he made a beeline for his latest victim. The Prophet had been running a series of articles on the effects of his lawsuits on the Ministry and had called for the Ministry to pass a law preventing such disruptions.
He had tried the easy way out, buying the paper, but that didn't work, the owner wouldn't sell to him at any price. Surprisingly it was Helga that came up with a solution based on her lack of understanding. Business matters were something she wasn't very interested in.
If she had her way, and she often did, she'd drag Sirius and Harry on trips to explore new places. Her goal was to collect recipes for her favorite pastime. Cooking. Neither Harry nor Sirius complained about the trips they took and she was an excellent cook.
He stepped into the building and walked over to a desk that was occupied by a young girl.
"Welcome to the Daily Prophet sir, how may I help you?" she asked with a bright smile.
He smiled back. "Could you direct me to the office of the Publisher please?"
The girl thought for a moment and decided this man didn't look like one of the typical whack cases that came in demanding to speak to her boss. In fact, she thought he looked so handsome and refined.
"May I ask who's calling?"
"Tell Tiberuis that Lord Black, the ninth Earl of Blackmoor wishes to discuss some matters of business with him," Bugger replied.
She heaved a bit of a sigh, then she nodded and scurried from her chair.
I still have it, he thought smugly. Harry, you have one way cool and awesome Godfather.
The girl entered an office with an ornate plaque on the door and he could hear her squeaking in fright and some shouting, so he boldly marched into the office right behind her.
"Black!" shouted Tiberius. "I'm not selling no matter what you offer! You're just pissed because I'm onto you and exposing your ways to the world."
Bugger looked at the girl who was still shivering in the office. "Thank you my dear," he said smoothly. "If you ever find yourself looking for work, come see me."
The girl blinked and suddenly realized that maybe her bosses threats weren't such a bad thing after all. She gave Bugger a quick curtsy.
"OUT!" shouted Tiberius at the girl.
She squeaked again and ran from the room. Bugger turned his attention back on the publisher. "I say old fellow you really ought to treat the help better."
Tiberius turned and glared at Bugger. "I don't know what game you're playing but I'm telling you for the last time you can't influence what I print!"
Bugger smiled benignly. "Now you know that's not true old chap. I offered you an honorable price and you decided that it wasn't good enough."
Tiberius growled at him. "Get to the point Black!"
"Well you see, I was feeling a bit down about our last meeting. I mean really, there was no call for you calling my mother the daughter of a cheap streetwalker. But anyway my wife, who I love dearly but even I will admit, isn't too bright, asked me what was wrong."
"I told her you wouldn't sell me the paper, and do you know she said to me?"
Tiberius stared at the man as if he were insane. What could this possibly have to do with him?
"She said if I can't buy the paper, then buy your paper!" Bugger said with a hearty laugh.
At that moment the door flung open and the senior managing editor stormed into the room. "Tiberius, I just got a call from the presses, they are complaining that they never got the morning shipment of paper and only have enough on hand to print about 40 percent of our usual run."
"Oh yes that is quite right," Bugger replied. "You really should have sold to me when you had the chance. Now when you finally cave in you won't get a fraction of what this paper is worth."
Tiberius turned to Bugger. "What have you done?"
Bugger grinned. "I did what my wife suggested. I bought all of your basic paper. There are only two companies supplying rolls of printing press paper to the wizarding world and I bought out all of their stock for the foreseeable future. You could find a muggle supplier, but you'd have to get Ministry approval and even then, you'd probably end of raising the price of your paper to over a galleon a copy.
Bugger smirked at the man. "Besides, the ministry is so tied up in lawsuits and blood feuds at the moment that the odds of them approving anything are remote."
The publisher turned white and sank back into his chair staring at Bugger.
Bugger stood and grinned at the two men. "I think I'll turn this building into a Spa," said to himself, looking around. "Yes, we'll put a massage table right where your desk used to be Tiberius. Well I'm off to the club, enjoy your final edition gents. Ta!"
Bugger turned and walked from the room whistling and just enjoying life in general.
Wain Manor Sept 11th...
Luna walked into the room and spotted Harry sitting with a big bowl of popcorn, watching the mirror.
"Isn't it early for popcorn?"
"It's never too early for popcorn. Besides, this should be amusing, I've borrowed Fritz."
She frowned. "You borrowed Fritz? What if I want to use him?"
He waved a hand dismissing her worries. "You can still use him, but I just thought with this being third year and there's no escaped Sirius, we could use the time to play with Snape."
She slid into the spot next to him and helped herself to some popcorn. She hated to admit it, but he was right, it's never too early for popcorn. There are inappropriate times perhaps, like the time they were making love and she threw the bowl of popcorn across the room during a particularly wonderful orgasm. Harry laughed so hard at that point that it took him nearly an hour to get back into the mood. Every time he looked at her he started laughing again.
Since then popcorn has been banned from the bedroom.
"So what are we watching?"
"Snape's potions class. He hates potions now and he tried teaching the class from the hallway, but Dumbledore got on his case about the injuries because he was sitting outside of the class. So today is the first day that Harry, Luna and Hermione are going to a potions class where he's forced to enter the classroom."
Luna smiled smugly, little Luna had managed to skip a year ahead and join her boyfriend/girlfriend in third year.
"Aren't we picking too much on Snape?" she asked.
He frowned. "Are you picking too much on Ron?"
She blushed and looked away. She had transfigured the contents of his trunk into spiders, then pinned the blame on his brothers. His shrieks could be heard all the way down in the Slytherin dungeons.
"So what else have you planned for this year?" she asked, trying to change the subject.
He frowned. "Well I've got the whole tournament thing to set up and I have to give Wormtail and Crouch Jr the idea of using the horcruxes," he replied, then he grinned evilly.
"What," she said, nudging his side.
"What if I convince Wormtail that the ritual will work, but only with an appendage that contains no bones?"
She snickered. "And you call me evil?"
He leaned a little closer to her. "No I called you naughty and you enjoyed it."
She shivered in response and smiled back at him.
Up on the wall the mirror showed the door opening and the students filed in. Snape stood at the door and waited for everyone to enter. He glanced up the corridor and winced, then nodded reluctantly.
"Dumbledore must be standing, watching," Harry murmured.
Luna nodded and reached for more popcorn.
Snape walked into the room and looked around for a moment. "Today you'll be making a potion," he spat, then he waved his wand and the instructions appeared on the board.
"Instructions are on the board, get started."
Harry stood from his place between Hermione and Luna. He wasn't as good in potions as they were, so he usually collected the ingredients while they prepared the cauldrons.
He walked over to the ingredient cabinet and tugged on the handle. It wouldn't budge! He tugged again, still no good, the doors were stuck fast.
"Professor," he called, "The cabinet doors are stuck."
Snape glared at Harry for a moment. "Idiot child," he muttered, then he strode forward from the back of the class. Coming up to the cabinet he grabbed the handle and tugged hard. The door moved slightly then stuck again.
A small titter of laughter rippled through the class and he glared at them. Harry moved away, not wanting to be close to the professor who had a reputation for being nasty.
Snape rubbed his hands on his robes then he grabbed the handles and pulled. The doors swung open and he staggered back for a moment before recovering.
"HALLLLLOOOOO!" shouted Fritz, who stared at Snape with glowing red eyes. "GET OUT OF MY CABINET!"
Severus squealed and had an accident he hadn't experienced since he was three, then he turned and ran from the class room, still squealing.
The students watched in confusion having neither seen or heard Fritz.
On the mirror Harry and Luna could see Fritz slowly fade away. Little Luna looked up in the direction of the mirror, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"What now?" asked little Harry.
"Get the bat eyes and lizard guts, we'll make the potion and hopefully the Professor will come back after his fit is over," Hermione offered. With that the class settled down to work on their potion, without any help from a teacher.
The Ministry of Magic, Oct 1st...
Cornelius Fudge left the atrium heading for his office. It was early, not even 11am yet and he was coming to work. He hoped his secretary had his tea ready because he really needed that to wake up in the morning.
"Good Morning Minister," said one passer by.
"Mmmphh," he replied. He really needed his morning tea!
Stepping into his outer office he skidded to a halt and peered at the crowd of people there. Several people were shouting in protest, but it appeared that most were controlling themselves. On the floor were four bound and stunned people, including Simon Smitty, his favorite brown noser and Delores Umbridge who had been blackmailing him for years.
He shivered and hoped that someone would deal with her. If anyone ever saw those photographs taken after that drunken Christmas party of the pair! He'd be ruined!
His eyes narrowed when he spotted Lord "Bugger" Black standing among a group of men who were wearing the uniforms of ICW Aurors.
"Oh bugger," Cornelius muttered. I don't need this so early in the morning, he thought.
Bugger looked up and smiled, spotting Cornelius. "There he is!" he exclaimed. "Seize him!"
Four burly ICW Aurors leapt on Cornelius before he could do anything and dragged him to the ground.
"I'm the Minister of Magic!" he bellowed, "Release me at once!"
After removing and testing his wand, which surprisingly hadn't been used in three years, and even then the tests showed it was a failed Lumos spell, they slapped manacles on him and pulled him to his feet.
He looked about wildly, then he spotted Amelia Bones looking somewhat confused and more than a bit pleased. In her hands was a parchment.
"Amelia! Release me! Summon the Aurors and arrest these people!" he shouted.
She grimaced and turned to him. "Cornelius, I'm afraid my hands are tied. Do you remember last week when you signed that bill allowing for the hunting of runaway elves?"
He nodded.
"It appears Lord Black here had a rider installed to it before you signed it. As a result, the Ministry now must cooperate with any and all Muggle legal proceedings. Lord Black admitted that he bribed Delores here to add the rider, but since you passed the law that bribery was no longer a crime," she trailed off with a shrug.
Cornelius' eyes bulged. "I don't understand. If we are cooperating with muggle legal proceedings why am I in manacles?"
Bugger stepped forward. "I'll explain that one," he said with a bright smile. "You tied up the french courts in motions, you stalled the ICW cases by committees, and you ignored the muggle courts entirely. As of this morning a bench warrant was issued for your arrest on the charges of contempt. These fine gentlemen of the ICW Auror force are here to escort you to Scotland Yard."
Cornelius looked at Black and shrank from him in terror.
"The ICW will be warding your cell for the Muggles Cornelius, we wouldn't want some assassin trying to pop into your cell to kill you would we?" Bugger asked, then he smirked at the man. Warding the cell would also prevent rescue attempts.
Bugger looked to the Aurors and nodded. Cornelius whimpered as they grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him from the office. They weren't even going to portkey! They were dragging him through the building! The shame!
Bugger watched Cornelius for a moment longer, then he turned to Madam Bones. "Now that the unpleasant business is out of the way Madam Bones, who do you think we should elect as our new Minister?"
Amelia stared at the man. "Lord Black, you are fully aware that thanks to your law suits the Wizengamot lacks the necessary numbers for a new Minister to be elected."
Bugger bowed to her. "Pity that, but don't blame me entirely, I'm not the one involved in what? Six blood feuds at the moment?"
Amelia winced, she had already lost four Aurors to those feuds and wouldn't be surprised to find herself losing more.
"Why? That's what I want to know Black," she spat. "You're destroying the Government with your suits."
Bugger pulled him to his full height and glared down at her. "You and your Government killed my beloved cousin illegally. There is one fixed law of being a Black. Hurt mine and we'll destroy you. Since that swine tied up all my suits and you still haven't even been willing to admit you locked up a man without a trial, I'm taking my case to the Goblins."
Amelia paled and took a step back. "No," she whispered.
Bugger grinned. "Yep, the first thing Goblins do is freeze any affected accounts. It doesn't bother me to get my Gringotts accounts frozen because I have other resources to tap into. The Ministry however doesn't."
Bugger turned and walked from the room, his back stiff.
I've got to call a meeting of what's left of the Wizengamot, Amelia thought in a panic. Somehow I have to convince them to make a public statement about Black or the Goblins will break us.
Ravenclaw Girls Dorm, December 1st...
"Luna."
Luna looked up from her book she was reading. She sat on her bed in her pajamas. "Yes Hermione?"
Hermione climbed into her bed and sat cross legged, facing her. "I think we need to talk to Harry."
Luna closed her book and looked at her. "About what?"
"He's been staring at me a lot lately," Hermione said in a whisper.
Luna shook her head. "Hermione, he's been staring at both of us. Ever since the summer when he noticed we were developing breasts."
Hermione blushed terribly, she knew exactly what he had been staring at but hadn't wanted to say anything about it.
"Doesn't it bother you?" she hissed.
"Not in the least, it's really kind of flattering really. He's noticing us more and more these days."
"Luna!"
"What? Oh really Hermione, did you forget that you're the one that gave me that adult version of Hogwarts a History? And don't we want Harry to like us enough for some of those things?" asked Luna.
"Yes but we're too young!"
Luna nodded. "We are, but tell me, what do you think of that Hufflepuff Susan Bones?"
Hermione blinked and leaned back. "I don't know her very well, but she seems like a sweet girl."
Luna shook her head. "Hermione, she's a very sweet girl who happens to have breasts big enough to attract the attention of every boy in the school. Do you remember that weekend in September when we all went swimming in the lake?"
Hermione nodded slowly and agreed with Luna's assessment, Susan was the envy of many girls in the school, older and younger. "I remember, it was then that I really noticed Harry looking at me."
"Did he look at any other girl. There were at least 20 of us girls our in swimming costumes," Luna asked.
Hermione shook her head. "No, I don't think he did."
"He did, he looked at me just as intently as he looked at you. I know because I watched him. He didn't look at Lavender Brown from Gryffindor, he didn't look at Susan who most of the boys were staring and drooling over. He didn't even look at that Slytherin Greengrass and she's one of the prettiest girls in the school."
She paused and took a breath. "Think about that Hermione, he looked at you and I. Just us."
Hermione considered that fact. Somehow it made her feel better about everything. "So we shouldn't talk to him then?"
Luna smiled. "You can if you really want him to stop. But I kind of like it, my boyfriend knows I'm a girl and likes what he sees. I also know he's too much of a gentleman to do anything until I give him permission. If you do say something, be gentle with him or you may scare him off. I'm not worried about it and I think this year I'll take some time with Harry to learn how to kiss."
Hermione giggled and blushed. She had been considering the same thing for the year but Harry's stares were worrying her until Luna explained it. She was developing well, but like many girls, she was unhappy with her looks.
She smiled. "He likes us."
Luna nodded. "He does, he just hasn't figured out how to say it yet."
Hermione's expression grew thoughtful, "Then we'll have to help him learn."
Luna laughed and then she blushed. Hermione eyed her curiously. "What?" she demanded, wanting to know what could invoke such a reaction from her friend.
"Well I was just think about Harry when we went swimming."
"And?"
"Didn't you notice how nice his bum looked?" Luna asked, then blushed deeply. Hermione joined her in blushing. Apparently looking was a two way street.
Wain Manor, December 25th...
Luna heard a noise and she turned. In the distance she heard Harry laugh, no, that was wrong, he cackled, evilly. She shivered and a thrill of lust shot through her. She had to know what Harry was up to.
Following the sounds she headed down to the basement and an area that used to be the dungeons for the family that once lived here.
Pushing open the wrought iron door she came upon Harry, circling a large glass walled tank and laughing.
"What are you going to do now Wormtail?" he taunted.
Luna moved closer. There were several large snakes in the tank, and they had their attention fixed on the small metal cage on the floor in the center of the tank. Inside that cage resided one quivering rat.
"What are you doing?"
Harry looked up from the spectacle. "I'm preparing Wormtail for his next task. See?" he replied, then gestured to a workbench where the Diadem and Hufflepuff's cup lay. The last two horcruxes except for the one in Dumbledore's head.
"Forgive me if I fail to see how putting him in a cage full of snakes is preparing him," she replied drolly.
"Aw Luna, we're just playing. Right Wormy?"
She felt Harry's magic surge lightly and Wormtail reared up on his hind legs and nodded vigorously at her.
She frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. "Harry, if you break Wormy you won't be able to use him for your plans."
"But Luna!" he protested.
"No, give him his directions and send him on his way. Unless you've changed your mind?"
Harry shook his head, "No, but I was looking forward to tormenting him."
"Harry, if you don't do as I say, then there'll be no Santa for you this year."
His expression brightened and he waved a hand. Wormtail and both Horcruxes glowed for a moment, then vanished. Then he vanished the tank with the snakes.
"Really Santa got me something?"
She smiled, he was such a child sometimes. "Santa brought you a train like the one Harry and Bugger were using."
He thought about that for a moment. "Did Santa remember to bring track too?"
Luna suddenly took a sharp breath. Drat! She had forgotten the track! "Ummmm."
Harry smiled. "No matter, I know where to find track that's just the right size and it won't bother the muggles at all!"
He waved a hand and the room started to fill with shrunk down railroad tracks. "This is going to be fun!" he exclaimed.
Meanwhile, miles away in Gringotts, a cart carrying ten goblins sailed into open space as the track beneath the cart vanished. Goblins plummeting to their deaths sounded remarkably like cats fighting. Gringotts would spend months wondering what happened to ten miles of track.
Black Manor in Wales, Feb 16th...
Helga looked up from the book she was reading when Sirius walked in. Privately he would always be Master Sirius to her even if she did use his nickname of Bugger.
She smiled as he moved to sit next to her. "Something good I hope?" she said when she spotted the parchment in his hand.
"Letter from Harry," he replied.
"Oh? How is he doing?"
"Hang on a sec and I'll read it to you," he replied, then he unfolded the letter.
Dear Bugger and Helga,
I really miss you guys and I can't wait until the term ends. Life here has sort of settled down. Snape is still acting weird, but I can't say that's really different, he's acted weird ever since I started here. I also found a recipe book in the library and I've copied a bunch of recipes for Helga, I hope she likes them.
"That's so sweet of him," she murmured.
Bugger, I did like you suggested for Valentines day, but now things are even more confusing. The three of us went to an unused classroom and I gave them both those heart shaped lockets which you helped me pick out.
The girls loved the lockets. But then Hermione started talking about I was paying too much attention to her chest and I nearly died from embarrassment. I stammered an apology at her. Luna stopped me at that point and told me it was all right, then she glared at Hermione who glared right back at her. I apologized again and said I only looked because I thought they both were prettiest girls I knew.
"Oh boy he's in trouble now," Bugger said with a grin. Helga shot him a smile and motioned for him to keep reading.
Both girls turned to me at that point. I honestly think I surprised them. Then they both kissed me on the cheek. Luna then turned to Hermione and said "I told you so."
I had no clue what they were talking about, but then Hermione turned to me and said it was all right to look at her and Luna, but no other girls. Then they kissed me again!
Honestly Bugger, how am I supposed to figure this out? No one else at school has two girl friends like I do. A few of the teachers have spoken with us over it, but none have done more than ask a few questions. On the other hand that creep from Gryffindor, Colin, tried to chat up Hermione again last week and I ended up thumping him one.
"Poor Harry," Helga murmured.
Bugger looked up from his letter. "Poor Harry? Why?"
She sighed and put aside her book. "Sirius, Harry isn't asking you for help with the mechanics of love, he knows about that. I talked with him over the summer and he knows about it thanks to his muggle schooling. He's asking for help with the emotional aspects. Its a shame but he has so little experience with love that he's unsure and trying to figure out what to do. The only principle he has to guide him is he doesn't want to hurt either girl."
Bugger frowned and Helga sighed. She knew that his stay in Azkaban had damaged Sirius in a manner similar to Harry. "What else does he have to say?"
Bugger glanced down at the parchment.
This whole boyfriend with two girlfriends is confusing. Just when I get to the point where I think I'm getting the hang of it, they up and change the rules on me. Now both of them claim they want to learn how to kiss so we've been practicing that a lot. It's nice and makes for a fun diversion from studying together. So I guess that's ok.
"Oh poor Harry indeed," Bugger muttered sarcastically. "His mother would be mortified, his father would be upset only because he never pulled off anything even close to this."
My DADA teacher is giving me funny looks again Bugger. He seems rather upset that I'm with you. I'm not sure but I think he complained to someone and they told him to butt out. There's been more than one occasion when he's started to say something, then changed his mind. Should I tell him to contact you if this continues?
Love,
Harry
"Moony," Bugger said with a heavy sigh. As much as he would have liked to contact his old friend, there was a fair amount of resentment simmering in him for abandoning Harry. He didn't care about himself, but he left Harry to Dumbledore even when he knew the Potters had left a will that didn't allow Dumbledore to take him. He still wasn't sure what to do about Moony.
Dobby, who Luna had freed from the Malfoys popped in.
"Yes Dobby?" asked Helga. She felt a bit sorry for Dobby, but he was no longer mistreated by anyone and he had bonded to Harry, like Luna said he would.
"Mistress, a Madam Boneses is at the door."
Bugger looked up at that and grinned. "Show Madam Bones in Dobby. Then please bring us a tea service."
Dobby nodded and vanished.
Bugger stood as Dobby escorted Amelia Bones into the room. "Madam Bones, welcome to our home. May I introduce you to my wife Helga, the Lady Black."
Amelia nodded to Helga and then turned to Bugger. "My Lord, I am sorry to intrude on your privacy, but I am here to try to hammer out an agreement between you and the Ministry. We're in a dire straight, the Ministry is broke and most of the employees have left to seek employment elsewhere. I have just ten loyal Aurors who I've been paying out of my own pocket."
Bugger held up a hand and she trailed off. "Madam Bones I'm not an unreasonable man. The ministry is so concerned about it's image that it will go to any length to protect that rather than admit a tragic mistake was made. Is the Ministry willing to publicly admit that they sent my cousin to prison where he died, without a trial?"
Amelia looked uncomfortable, but she nodded. "I am willing to say exactly that to the press and the few remaining Wizengamot members alive are willing to stand up behind me to corroborate my statement."
"Then I will drop my action with the Goblins. That will free up the Ministry accounts. As a short term solution it works. In the long term I would like to see laws put in place to prevent this sort of thing from ever happening again."
Amelia nodded vigorously, this was something she could easily agree to. "If you like, I'll be pleased to co-sponsor a bill with you. As Lord Black you can rightly take the family seat on the Wizengamot."
Bugger agreed. The ministry was in shambles and now the common wizard was hurting because of it. He'd back off on the lawsuits and resort to character assassinations and helping ferment more blood feuds. He was out to get the corrupt people out, not ruin honest people, like Amelia Bones.
Satisfied Amelia left to report on her success. Bugger then turned to the final piece of mail he had, a letter from Albus Dumbledore.
"The old man wants to talk to me about Harry," he said quietly.
"He can't take him away from us can he? I don't want to lose him Sirius!" Helga said in alarm.
He gave her a grateful look. She loved Harry and he was convinced that she would treat their kids no different. It hadn't taken long for Harry to worm his way into her heart and she did the same to him. Harry knew she wasn't his mum, but she was the next best thing.
"The old man might be able to bluster, but he can't take Harry from us, don't worry. Just for the fun of it I think I'll ignore this message, see how annoyed I can make him by taking my time responding."
Helga nodded happily and went back to her book. She trusted Sirius implicitly, he'd protect their family and if the old man got out of line, there was always Lord Harry who could stomp on him. She'd enjoy watching that.
Wain Manor, Feb 20th...
Harry stumbled into the sitting room where Luna was watching the mirror. He was dirty from coal smoke and dust and sporting a huge smile on his face.
She smiled at his entrance, pleased that this Christmas had been a huge success. She waved her hand and he was instantly clean from head to toe. He paused and took a sniff, then frowned. He didn't mind her cleaning spells, but her idea of a cologne wasn't all that appealing even if it did turn her on considerably he didn't really like the wet Snorkack smell.
"Thanks."
Luna gave him a hug and sniffed deeply, her eyes glazing slightly and he could swear she was purring. Leading her over to the couch he sat down then pulled her into his lap.
"So what are you watching now?"
The mirror contained nothing more than an image of a blank piece of parchment.
"I thought it would be amusing to see what the old man is using WizNet for."
WizNet was an invention of Luna's. In essence it was a book of spells that allowed wizards to emulate the muggle internet. It was also the primary source for Luna's income in every universe they visited. Within their first year she'd publish the first of a series of three books of spells containing all that was needed to give the wizarding world a magical version of the internet.
As much as Harry tried to freely share his money with her, even going as far as claiming she was his wife and was allowed to use his money, she wanted to earn her own way.
For the most part, the wizarding community used it for what it was made for. Porn. But behind the scenes Luna ran a number of internet based businesses which she always left to little Luna when they faked their deaths and moved on to a new universe.
Dumbledore rarely bothered with WizNet except to hit the Gladiator Pictorial collections and on a few rare occasions he fell into a trap Luna had laid just for him.
Suddenly they heard a voice from the mirror and they turned their attention to it.
"Cast Access Lords of Light Forums Dot Wiz User Albie Pass Spongebob Invoke!"
Luna giggled. "He has a password of Spongebob?"
Harry shook his head in amazement, then he started choking in laughter as words appeared on the parchment.
Welcome Albus the Magnificent to the Lords of Light Forums, you are user number 1279. There are currently 49 users logged in. You have three messages.
"Albus the Magnificent?" Luna murmured over Harry's laughter. "I think it's time for angel to show him just how magnificent he is."
A hand appeared in the view of the mirror and he started to write.
To: All membership
Subject: General Difficulties.
Does any one else seem to have difficulties in accomplishing your grand plan for the Greater Good? I seem to be plagued with them of late and I can't understand it. My people have decided not to listen to me, I have a potions professor that is afraid of potions and convinced he's being haunted. My pawn is ignoring me entirely and starting a harem of girls! How sick is that?
And don't get me started on angels! I have been searching for a way of banishing her for 2 years now without any success.
How about it Light Lords out there? Do you have similar problems? Share your stories and perhaps we can all learn from the experience.
Albus the Magnificent
Tag: Merlin eat your heart out. I'm stronger and look better in a thong!
Harry carefully pushed Luna out of his lap and she stood frowning as he slid to the floor laughing.
"Harry this is serious, he's trying to find a way of banishing an angel! And he's against Harry and his girls!"
Harry waved his hand at her trying to tell her to calm down, but he was still laughing too hard. After a few minutes and a few too many sharp kicks from his love, he calmed enough to speak. "Relax love, the Boss told me that they were going to work to remove any chance of anyone stumbling onto divine majicks. They made a special exception in my case, and reluctantly agreed to boost your power and even if they hadn't, I would have.
"Dumbledore will never find anything that works and even if on the remote chance that he did, it wouldn't work on you at all. You're using regular magic and your the strongest human magic user in the world."
He sat up and rubbed his ribs and winced, then he shot her a reproachful look and she looked away. "I'll make it to you," she murmured.
He grinned at her, then pointed to the mirror. Someone was replying to Dumbledore's post.
To: Albus the Magnificent
Subject: (re) General Difficulties.
Albus,
I feel your pain. I too have had similar difficulties. So much in fact that I decided to back up a few steps and try to help the Greater Good on a smaller scale, which I have renamed to the Lesser Good (tm). Even that hasn't gone as well as I might have hoped, for example the day I tried to rescue the child stuck up a tree and accidentally set the tree on fire.
I was appalled until I realized that that little girl would have probably grown up to be a rampaging serial killer, then I felt better about the whole deal. It's not easy being a Lord of Light when everyone around you is your inferior and they just don't know it.
Just remember to keep plugging away, we're all pulling for you and know that you'll get there. You've been our role model for many years and we know you'll pull out of this slump.
Hugs and Kisses,
Larry, Light Lord in Training.
Tag: I only appear dark because my batteries are recharging!
Harry frowned. "He set a tree on fire with a girl in it?"
Luna nodded somberly. "Do you want to do this one? I got the last one."
Harry nodded and gestured. She felt a rush of power from him and he grinned evilly.
"What did you do?"
"I sent Larry into the light. I encased him in a protective air bubble and hurled him into the sun."
She nodded in satisfaction. Larry deserved his fate, then she paused and thought, Maybe I can use Larry next time I visit Albus.
"Cast Logout User Albus Invoke!" Dumbledore said, then he rolled up the parchment.
The image on the mirror suddenly zoomed out to take in the entire office.
Albus rolled up the parchment and looked towards the door. "Come!" he called.
Remus Lupin walked in and took a seat. "Thank you for coming Remus. I've invited the current Lord Black here and I thought you might be interested in sitting in on that meeting. I'm concerned about his taking guardian rights of Harry Potter."
Luna sat up and hissed. "I'm going to gut him slowly."
"Let's wait and see how this plays out," he advised. "Sirius isn't about to let anything happen to Harry."
Remus frowned and nodded. He had tried to reach out to Harry and had been soundly rebuffed by the lad. It didn't help that his little harem closed ranks and refused to leave him alone with him. He had been shocked to find that Harry's reaction and attitude towards the staff fell into two categories. With one group that included Dumbledore, Hagrid, McGonagall and Snape he was coldly polite but refused to warm to any of them.
Flitwick, Sprout, Vector and the rest reported he was not only a very polite lad, but he was friendly and cheerful and always willing to lend a helping hand.
It wasn't until after Remus had been rebuffed by Harry that he realized that all of the first group, including himself, had been in someway involved in Harry's placement at the Dursleys, either by direct participation or by their inactivity. Remus didn't understand how he found out, but he knew now that Harry was aware of how he ended up with his relatives. Harry was more like his mother in one key aspect, he didn't forgive easily.
The door opened and Bugger entered the room, he glanced at Remus and then dismissed him as inconsequential.
Bugger sat and crossed his legs. "You called this meeting Dumbledore, what do you want?" he said harshly.
Dumbledore blinked in surprise, he hadn't expected this level of animosity from Lord Black.
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I would like you to reconsider your taking Harry Potter into your home. He needs to be with his."
"No and that's my last word on it," Bugger said firmly. "You have no say in where the boy goes Dumbledore. You had no say when you placed him with those stinking muggles and you have no say now. You knew he was supposed to go to my cousin or any number of other well qualified families. Once my ward reaches of age, he's going to sue you for wrongful placement and kidnapping and I'll help him as much as I can."
"I'm curious just how you are Sirius' cousin, the only ones I was aware of were Narcissa, Bellatrix and Andromeda," offered Remus.
"You have little room to talk werewolf. Yes I know about your furry little problem, I also know you abandoned Harry to the Headmaster. How does it feel to know that you let your best friend go to his death in prison without a trial? Even Bellatrix got a trial!"
The ministry had publicly admitted that Sirius hadn't had a trial and therefore had been illegally held in prison all this time. That particular fact beat on Remus, he had believed that Sirius had been guilty.
Bugger stood. "No, Harry is happy with my wife and I and that's where he'll stay."
Dumbledore pulled his wand from his sleeve, before he could even begin to cast Bugger had a Derringer in his face. "Place the wand on the desk nice and easy."
"Go Sirius," Harry said in admiration, then he saw Remus start to move. He snapped his fingers and Remus seemed to freeze in his seat.
Sirius spared him a quick glance then turned back to Dumbledore who had placed his wand on the desk. Sirius reached forward with one hand and picked up the wand. "I'll owl this back to you old man. And thanks, you just convinced me to remove Harry from this school once he's completed his owls. His girls too if I have anything to say about it."
Bugger pocketed the wand and backed out of the room. "Dumbledore," he said at the doorway. "I expect to continue to hear from my ward and nothing will help you if anything happens to him. Believe me I'll know about it and I'll see you in prison before I let you harm Harry."
With that he turned and walked down the stairs. On the way he looked over the wand and decided he might as well have some fun with it.
Up in the office Dumbledore turned to Remus and realized the man was frozen in place. He had to root around for Remus' wand so that he could dispel the curse, but it wore off before he could cast.
"I'm sorry Headmaster," Remus began.
"No no my boy, I supposed we should have expected him to deal with you as well. I admit I was surprised to be facing a pistol. It appears this Lord Black is more cosmopolitan than his predecessors."
"Sir your wand?"
Dumbledore frowned as he realized he was no longer the master of the Elder Wand. "I daresay Lord Black will return it my boy, in the meantime, please keep trying to reach out to Mr. Potter. We must convince him that returning to his relatives is the only sound thing to do."
Remus nodded unhappily and walked from the room. At the bottom of the stairs he tripped and went sprawling. Once he recovered he stared at the Gargoyle, but it made no movement. He couldn't explain the distinct feeling that he had been pushed.
Snape's Quarters...
"Damn brats I swear they do this on purpose!" he swore, then he started to peel out of his potion stained clothing.
He was slowly getting back into the swing of teaching, but he had several persistent problems that seemed to plague him this year. For one thing he was haunted. He was certain of it. Ever since he walked into the Headmaster's office he had been experiencing encounters with a floating head.
The head had appeared in the potions cabinet, it had appeared in the classrooms, in the staff lounge. Everywhere. He had turned to Albus who had checked him for spells and came up blank.
Ghosts weren't really a problem for anyone living in the castle, but this one was tormenting him.
And if that wasn't bad enough, someone among the students had learned of his trip to Mistress Natasha and of the phrase he had been trained to respond to. The students were openly mocking him!
He threw his shirt to the floor and carefully removed his pants, trying not to get any of the potion on his skin. The potion, a simple hair restorative was meant to be ingested. Applied topically it would cause massive and uncontrolled hair growth on any exposed skin. The pants had been soaked, but like any good potion master, his clothing was lined to prevent a potion from soaking through.
Now naked he stepped into his bathroom and reached into the shower to turn on the faucets. While he waited for the hot water to come up he examined himself in the mirror to make sure no potion had hit his skin. Satisfied he turned and pulled the curtain back and placed one leg under the spray of water in the tub.
"HALLLLLLOOOOOOO!" shouted Fritz from the shower. "Would you scrub my back. Wait! I don't have a back! GET OUT OF MY SHOWER!"
Snape screamed and dropped his bar of soap. He spun on one heel and placed his wet leg down to run and stepped on the bar of soap. He literally catapulted out of the bathroom face first and nose planted into the potion soaked pants.
He sprang to his feet, horrified by the fact that his face was now wet with potion. "COME KISS ME!" Fritz yelled as he floated from the bathroom.
Snape's cheek twitched violently and he ran from his quarters. In fact he ran all the way to the infirmary and the only saving grace for the students was there was so much hair growing from his face and neck that they couldn't identify him.
Luna turned to Harry after turning off the mirror and said, "You did that I purpose! You're tormenting him!"
Harry grinned. "Of course I am."
"Harry you're not supposed to drive him crazy."
"How would anyone know really? Besides you've got to admit, its funny!"
Luna crossed her arms. "No, you're doing it because you can!"
"And you're not? Might I remind you that you made one of Ron's testicles swell to 10 times normal size over the summer months?"
"That's different," she replied airily. "Ron deserves it!"
Harry smirked at her, then turned back to the mirror and she huffed to herself. She hated when Harry won an argument.
Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts, Feb 21st...
Dumbledore entered his office and slammed the door behind him in a fit of anger. Ever since Black had left the castle yesterday his gargoyle and the suits of armor had taken to annoying certain staff members. Minerva was using her animal form to travel around the school since in her human form the suits would pinch her bottom rather painfully.
Remus would have the suits bark and follow him around howling and yipping. Dumbledore found that he needed to shield himself or he'd get a good solid kick in the pants. He had tried dispelling the enchantments but without his precious Elder Wand, it was futile. He feared that surrendering the wand to Black might have also transferred ownership of the wand.
"Hello Albus," said a voice.
He skidded to a complete halt. The Angel sat behind his desk, looking quite angry. Fawkes sat on her shoulder and she was caressing the bird who was clearly enjoying the attention. She glanced at the bird and the animal sprang aloft and flew over to his perch. He wasn't about to miss one of these encounters! They gave him so much to talk about at the Phoenix pub!
Luna calmly stood and placed a hand on his desk. The desk screamed in pain and split into eight pieces before fleeing to opposite areas of the office.
Albus moaned seeing his beloved desk destroyed again. He also knew he'd need to find another repair spell, once destroyed, the previous spell never seemed to work properly again.
"You know Albus," Luna said calmly. "I watched you yesterday when you attempted to interfere with Harry Potter again. In fact I was enjoying a nice day at the beach when you made me come back to snowy Scotland."
She paused and drew her flaming sword from a pocket. "In fact I can't recall any mortal that I've had to deal with in the past million years that has annoyed me as much as you."
She frowned at him. "Kneel." she commanded. Her voice echoed with power and the walls trembled. Dust shifted down from the ceiling.
Dumbledore's eyes bugged out and he felt his knees give way. He tried to fight the compulsion but he couldn't.
"No," he moaned. "I'm working for the Greater Good! Surely you can see that what I do, I do for all of Wizarding Britain."
"What I see is an amoral old man who doesn't care who he hurts just to achieve his goals. No one gave you the right to decide what the Greater Good is. Even I don't know what the master plan is. Only He knows and He never tells anyone!"
Luna frowned at him then she held out a hand.
"Let me speak plainly Albus Dumbledore. Your life hangs on a thread. You are seriously angering people upstairs and when enough of them get angry, He gets angry."
A small figure appeared in the palm of her hand.
"Noooo, help me! I'm sorry," said the figure in a whiney voice.
"You know Larry the Light Lord in training Albus?" she cooed at him.
Albus blanched and moaned to himself. Not Larry! He was such a good lad!
"He angered Him," Luna said softly.
Suddenly Larry burst into flame and he howled and scampered around on Luna's hand before fading away.
"That is your fate if you don't repent your evil ways!" she intoned. "From hereon I shall be watching you, my sword poised to strike at the slightest infraction!"
She raised her sword high into the air and his desk screamed in terror, the split into 16 pieces.
Luna faded from view and Dumbledore fainted dead away which caused the portraits to break up in laughter. It had been years since they had been so entertained. Not since Everick Elphard used to use this office to hold his liaisons with some of the seventh year girls.
Intermission...
Your screen fills with wavy lines and your computer suddenly starts to play the theme song from Twilight Zone. You sit astounded by the display and try to ignore the subliminal messages to smear lime jello all over your body. Then an idea pops into your head which clearly wasn't subliminal. "Tell Bob and Alyx how much you like them, name your kid Balyx after the both of them. Send Bob Donuts and Alyx photos of naked llamas."
Wain Manor, Mid August between Third and Fourth Year...
Harry danced in front of the blank wall. "Do do do do do do" he sang.
Luna entered the room and looked at him, then she nodded eagerly and pulled out her wand. With a deft wave she changed his footwear to bunny slippers.
"Dance harder!" she commanded.
Harry stopped and turned to her. "Not another appreciate Bunny thing like Duck Day?" he moaned.
"Oh no, nothing like that," she replied airily. "This is much more pragmatic and serves a serious purpose. I promise."
Harry peered at her for a moment, then he began to shuffle his feet and dance to his tune again.
Each time he stepped the slippers made a startled squeak. Finally he turned to Luna, his dance completed. "So what did we just do?"
"We solved a serious problem for people," she declared loftily. "I read that Rabbits were overrunning Australia. They were brought there by English settlers over a hundred years ago."
Harry nodded. "Yes I heard that too," he admitted. "So this was designed to help with that?"
She nodded happily.
"Okay, lets push on then, we have the tournament this year to deal with," he said. He trusted her implicitly, after all she was going to be the mother of his children, why wouldn't he trust her?
In an infinite number of universes, an infinite number of Australians suddenly woke up with the intense desire to stomp on a rabbit. Barefoot.
"Are you certain you want still want Harry in the tournament?" she asked.
He nodded. "Yes, but you'll need to talk to him before hand. Actually maybe you should talk to all three of them so that he has some support during this."
"I'm concerned Harry, you're talking about giving him a power boost early, usually you don't boost Harry until just before we leave."
Harry looked down and rubbed one foot against his leg. "I thought about that too, but I realized that he needs the boost, besides the girls will help keep him straight. You know how bad it got for me during the tournament."
She nodded and felt a small pang of regret shoot through her. She knew how much he had been hurt by the student reaction and at the time she considered approaching him, but didn't.
"Alright let's do it then. But I want to make one change if we do this," she replied.
"And that is?"
"You'll see."
"I hate it when you do that," he muttered.
"Why else do you think I do it?" she replied smugly then she picked up her book.